Do you know what it's like to be thrust into a hormonal imbalance? Waiting every day for it to get better? Not really knowing if this emotion or that emotion is a side effect of the imbalance or just how it's going to be for the rest of your life?
Well it sucks. Big. Time.
As regular readers know, one of the unexpected outcomes of my colon cancer surgery was the removal of an ovary that was encased in an endometrial cyst. It was simply too dangerous to leave in although it was not cancerous. That action has impacted my life more than anyone could have told me. The doctors all said in the hospital that the remaining ovary would pick up the slack. Did they tell me when? Absolutely not. So for the last month (since my surgery) I have been suffering pre-menopausal symptoms. I know I have complained about the absolute nightmare of the night sweats, the hot/cold flashes, the dryness (OMG holy fuck monsters batman can't a girl have a little moisture down there??? Even the hair feels like sandpaper!!! If that's too much information for you, too bad it's my blog). Every day I take the recommended black cohosh the older, wiser, menopause veterans have suggested. Every day I hope this is the day my other ovary wakes up from the deep sleep and starts cranking out some estrogen!!! And so far my hopes have not been realized.
I did a little online research on more of the pre-menopausal symptoms specifically the emotional ones. I have been feeling basically the last month like a whole ball of sweetness entombed in cactus briars, or a raging porcupine but not as nice to be around. I thought maybe all this irritability, annoyance and lack of verbal restraint was just me trying to get rid of all the anesthesia, sedatives, morphine, not to mention the wasted attempt at the epidural, the antibiotics, the saline, the heparin, the potassium/magnesium and other sundry shit they injected into me during my surgery and hospital stay. But the emotions are not subsiding as the time since surgery increases.
What did the great interweb doctors have to say?
Basically, in a nutshell, to the point, I have an estrogen and testosterone imbalance. And it can take sometimes three months or more before the remaining ovary responds and kicks in the difference. Because, guess what, the ovaries have been on an alternating ovulation schedule my whole freakin life. That's what they do. And I'm guessing that this past month based on all my physical and emotional brouhaha, it was supposed to be my removed ovary's turn to release the hormones. And my remaining ovary, like any normal child, responded with a whiny "it's not my turn"... And like any normal exasperated parent, no matter how much cajoling and coaxing, I cannot get my 'toddler' to get with the program. This sucks.
I am normally an easy-going, fun, live and let live, count your blessings, every day above ground is a good day, sunshine & butterflies in a field, kind of person. But every day that goes by with the testosterone not being balanced by enough estrogen, I feel more and more anxious, irritated and quick to 'temper'. It's like my chimp is running loose and free. I wonder if this is what it feels like to be a man? I don't like it. I want it to stop.
I start chemo next week or whenever the insurance company gets off its bureaucratic ass and approves it. So add toxic chemicals (which will save my life I know) to the already hormonally-imbalanced body of mine, and I'm scared. I'm scared of who I am going to become.
People say, stay positive as if that's all it takes. Lord knows I'm trying but I'm battling and grasping to hold on to anything remotely peaceful and reminiscent of my former self.
I will give my body another couple of weeks and if my emotional sandpaper state doesn't improve, I'm going to have to start taking estrogen replacements or I'm going to go crazy. I know it.
It is probably a whole lot easier on a person's psyche to deal with one thing at a time. You know, colon cancer OR losing an ovary/pre-menopause. Not both at the same time. But I didn't get to choose, did I?
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