Words, time, opportunities..

What showed up in my newsfeed... how timely & appropriate...
oh how the universe recognizes my struggles...

I think I can... I think I can..

I feel like I've ignored my readers because I haven't blogged lately.  But the tingling and random paralysis in my hands from the freaking chemo treatment has made it difficult to type much less cook, wash dishes, open doors, zip zippers, drive the car etc...  And with the onset of autumn and winter just around the corner it's not going to get any easier.

However... Three things I have done for myself: 1) joined the Missouri Botanical Gardens and have gone to sit in the Climatron just to breathe in all that great oxygen from the living, healing plants; 2) incorporated hot Epsom salt tub soaks to try to pull the chemo toxins out of my body through the skin; and 3) started drinking the "life changing smoothie" each day.  Still too early to tell the results but at least I feel like I'm doing something or in control just a wee tiny bit. (A friend also recommended that I use amber to help keep my hands warm.  She located a place nearby that sells it and I have added it to my list of 'things to do'.)

I am feeling more tired towards the end of the workday than before.  My body just wants to rest.  And the thought of crawling into my warm bed and drifting off to dreamland where there is no chemotherapy, there are no medical bills, no home repairs to make, my Fox isn't a million miles away, and my book is done and sold is so tempting and inviting.  However, the boys have after school and evening activities that they need taxiing to/fro that makes me stay up, stay awake and stay in my reality.

It is what it is right now.  I only have 16 more weeks of treatment.  Just 16, I can make it.  I'll be the little engine that could.  Thanks for riding along with me.

Inhale. Exhale. Chemo #4 update

Let’s see, an update is in order.  I should have known that yesterday was going to be wacky because I started out a little behind on time.  But with my friend Kathy behind the wheel and her ability to multitask and prioritize, we only arrived 5 minutes behind schedule.  Got my usual seat and unloaded all my ‘gear’ – laptop, iPad, plugged in the extension cord so everything could stay charged.  Put my munchies out and my water too.  Got my vitals taken and my blood drawn.  Then I waited until I saw my oncologist.  He asked how I was doing.  I gave him the laundry list of symptoms: neuropathy (the most annoying and irritating), fatigue, muscle weakness and muscle twitching, some paralysis that occurs in my hands around the thumb and pointer finger (usually only on Thursday but this time it started on Wednesday too!), told him how I hated the feeling of my throat being scraped every time I ate or drank anything.  I pretty much told him things that are consistent with my treatment.  He again reiterated that the Oxiliplantin drug (the culprit for most of these side effects) gives me an extra 5% chance at being cured.  So if he takes it away, I’m only going to be at between 93-95% cured.  He said though that I’m the one having to take the chemo so I need to tell him if I get to the point where I can’t deal with the side effects anymore.  Then he said he would look at either reducing the amount or eliminating the oxiliplantin, but “remember it gives you that extra 5%...”

Dread. Pit of Stomach. List for Doctor.

Tomorrow is number 4.  I know I am closer to number 12 than when I started, but I have to be honest, I simply do not look forward to my chemo days (or the few days afterward).  Call me crazy!

And the temps are dropping here in St. Louis so my cold sensitivity is on high alert.  I'm already wearing my leather gloves, scarf and coat! No one else is; I just explain that I'm practicing for when I get to be an eccentric old lady. (My Fox, don't even think about making snarky comments on the 'old' part).  I'm a little ticked that one of my favorite things about winter in St. Louis, the ICE COLD water you can get from the tap, is going to have to be avoided. Argh!!

Anyway, other than the dread in the pit of my stomach, the list of lingering side effects that I must make to share with my oncologist tomorrow, and the thousands of strands of my blonde hair everywhere (no I'm not losing it; it's just 'thinning'), I'm doing the best that I can and am constantly amazed at the resilience inherent in our bodies.  I'm counting on that resilience to see me all the way to the end.
I'm sure I'll post again tomorrow...

Koi No Yokan...

Why I love languages...

Koi No Yokan is Japanese for:

"The sense upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall in love"
(I can tell you exactly where I was, what I was doing, what I was wearing, and what he was doing when koi no yokan happened to me.)

Lots more linguistic treasures in the link above... enjoy.  If you feel like it, come back and put in the comments your favorite word from the article or another word that should be included.

Thanks for stopping by and reading!

VISIONS IN THE EYES

English IIIA, 1st period, 1/9/1986

VISIONS IN THE EYES

                Driving away, I looked back in the rearview mirror and breathed a sigh of relief.  It was all over; the crazy lady was dead.  No more nights looking at eyes on plates in reflective juice, it was all over! 

               It began when I first moved into my new old house one day in June.  It was very comfortable, yellow and white with green shutters. I loved it because it was my first very own place.  It had wooden floors and a magnificent stone fireplace in the living room.  Many days and nights were spent watching the flames jump up into the chimney and feeling the warmth it produced.

                I had a little white poodle named Baggins (from the Hobbit).  She was the cutest dog anybody could own.  She was truly frisky, wanting to play all the time.  Baggins seemed to have a special way of communicating with me.  I actually felt like we carried on conversations.  We understood each other.  Baggins always knew when I was depressed.  She felt it.  It was uncanny, this relationship we had.

                After I had been living there for a couple of months, my next door neighbor came over and introduced herself.  She was a sprite old lady, full of wit with lots to say.  She never talked about herself.  She just asked questions about me.  Her name was Agnes, the only name she ever told anyone.

Five regrets

Five regrets people confess on their deathbed


I like to read the blog in the link above. I find the postings to be insightful and so refreshing to read such posts from the male perspective. However, the link above is not gender specific; it is universal and I knew I had to share it with my readers.

I've been given a second chance at life because the cancer was found early, removed and now with the extra whammy of chemo, I can be cured of it.  And I'm resolved to not have any of these five regrets when I'm at my deathbed many many decades from now. I'm not going to waste this gift of life.  It is too precious.

I encourage you to click on the link and read it, reflect on it. How we live our lives is completely in our control and reflect our choices.  I choose to be happy.  Do you?

Top five regrets rewritten to be top five actions to live with no regrets...
1. Courage to live a life true to myself
2. Not work so hard.
3. Express my feelings
4. Stay in touch with my friends
5. Let myself be happier

Peace.

The sun and the moon and the...

Three things cannot be long hidden:  the sun, the moon and the truth. - Buddha

Truth has a way of coming out whether we want it to or not.  It was a difficult (often repeated) lesson growing up.  I was amazed at how my parents always were able to know when someone was lying.  They would sternly counsel my siblings and I when warning us that the worst thing we could do was lie to them; that it would destroy their trust in us.  So I did my best to be truthful.  It seemed easier to deal with the consequences of my actions and their irritation or anger at it, than to deal with their disappointment in me for lying about it.  Their disappointment lasted much longer and went deeper to my core. 

But I'm not just talking about truth simply as the opposite of lying and I don't believe Buddha meant for it to be limited to such a definition either.  Truth exists beyond Webster's dictionary (or dictionary.com for my younger readers).  Truth is like a seed that has been planted; it will grow.  It will break through the shell, shatter it to millions of pieces and stick one little root, then another and another until truth has enveloped the old shell and grown tall and strong. 

O-R-I-S-T-O-E-T & R-A-E-H

How I feel when playing Words with Friends with my Fox...

Whole Foods chocolate chip cookies are NOT dog food!

I repeat:  Whole Foods chocolate chip cookies are NOT dog food!!!

Note to self: If I buy any more cookies from Whole Foods, I need to eat them immediately!  No saving them for another time nor planning on sharing them with the Rockstar  and the Sage.  Because those sneaky, yappy, not-very-adorable-today canines of mine have once again managed to pull the cookies from the package out of my work satchel and EATEN THEM!!!  They are so sneaky; I never even noticed until I saw the empty cookie bag still in my satchel today!

Ugh!!

Hotter than a bucket of chicken grease!

One of my dearest girlfriends was at a restaurant while visiting friends of hers in Texas one time when out of the blue a stranger declared that she was hotter than a bucket of chicken grease (said with a proper Texas twang at that!). She naturally was flattered and laughs at being compared to chicken grease but she knows the intent was to pay her a compliment.

Well tonight something similar happened to me.

Quotes from one of my favorite authors: Gabriel Garcia Marquez

I LOVE Gabriel Garcia Marquez.  I remember when a friend gave me a copy of Love in the Time of Cholera back in 1997, I couldn't put it down.  After that I read 100 Years of Solitude and enjoyed it just as much.  Below are a collection of quotes from Marquez' novels that I stole from the web site www.shortlist.com They did a nice job of gathering 30 of his greatest quotes... here are my favorites from that list.  (And now I have even more books I want to read!)

Memories Of My Melancholy Whores (2004)

"No matter what, nobody can take away the dances you've already had."