It's in the Production phase!

Hello! It's been a while, that's for sure. I've been working diligently editing my book, Midnight Playground Where the Soul Plays. It has taken me almost as long to edit it as it did to write it. But I have to say, it's really good.  The feedback from my beta-readers has been amazing and encouraging.

I sent the final draft and the cover artwork to the publisher two days ago.  Now I'm working on creating the social media presence for my book and developing the brand, Simone M Richards - author.  I'm learning TONS!  Eventually I will be migrating the Minivan Philosopher over to Simone's blog and website.  You will be notified when that happens.

It seems very surreal. The book could be available as soon as Christmas and as late at March.  Either way, I know that when it's ready it will be the right time for me. I've had wonderful support throughout the whole process from my family, my friends and my editor.  His feedback is immeasurable!  He saved the world from my first draft, ha ha ha!

I'm excited to get this underway and then head back to my keyboard and my office/study at home.  I've treated myself to an upstairs study. I kicked the Rockstar to the basement and moved the Sage to another room so I could have my own library/office/study.  I feel like a proper grownup now.  The Rockstar protested initially but I think he kind of likes his mini apartment in the basement.  Of course, I have to remind myself when I go down there to get to the laundry room, that the putrid smell is of his soccer cleats and not a dead animal.  He'll be off to college in twelve months. I'll miss him but not that smell.

Anyway, I apologize that I've been a bit neglectful to you here at Minivan Philosopher and wanted to update you. It's exciting times for me and pretty much everyone connected to me.

I saw this on a wooden sign at a store in Chicago recently.

She believe she could, so she did

Yep, you're right. I bought it.

Oh and it's been three years since my surgery and I'm still cancer-free!!!!

The Ferris Wheel in Seattle!  Yeah, I've been vacationing a bit as well as writing and editing. I'll post pics from our absolutely beautiful hikes in Oregon and Seattle, Washington soon.
Cheers!

My new reality is around the corner

Yeah! I did it. Finished the book. Been revising and editing for what seems like ages now. I've had three rounds of beta-readers and have absorbed all they suggested. Only one person didn't like it; but she still had valid comments. Now I'm finalizing the artwork, prepping the website, filling out paperwork, drawing up intellectual property contracts and generally feeling giddy about the future. It's really happening. My intention to live my life as a published author is only a few months away. It's going to be so much fun.

In between book stuff, I've been looking for a car for my Rockstar, working at my suddenly politically sensitive and busy "real job", managing to stay sane during club soccer season, doing lots of yoga (one year in so far and my body has really changed and it's no longer in constant pain -big smiles here!!), dieting and down 40 pounds since August...working on last 20. Love my life.

In the midst of all my wonderful happiness though are reminders that life is short and so unfair. I've lost two friends in the last six weeks to different medical issues: heart attack and colon cancer (yikes that's close to home!). Both men left behind kids and families that dearly loved them and a community that misses them tremendously. Both were musicians and when I heard of David Bowie's death today, I visualized them all making heavenly music together and it made me happy.

Love fully, love richly, love now
~the Philosopher

I am Titanium...

Rockstar is having his ACL reconstructed as I write this post.  I am sitting in the hospital waiting room sending positive thoughts and energy his way.  He was so sweet to me while in the holding room and under the effects of the first batch of "happy drugs".  He was holding my hand and telling me how glad he was that I was there with him, that he felt better and more calm because it was me standing there next to him and not his dad or his best friend.  That made my heart swell.  I know he was under the influence and probably won't remember it but at least I know that deep in his heart he really does love his mom.

He is facing six months of recovery and rehab.  It is going to be an interesting time for the whole family but I feel we will make it.  We survived my six months of chemo; we will get through this too.

I feel blessed that we have great doctors and great technology and that he is young and healthy.

Revisiting and remembering

Below is a link to a post from from the start of school six years ago ... oh how times have changed...
My Ladybug is a hipster, living and loving life and learning to navigate adulthood over in Portland.  My Rockstar is a junior now and my Sage, a seventh grader.  I dropped the boys off at school today per my usual start of the school year routine but there were no pictures, no hugs or kisses goodbye, simply well wishes for a great day.  And we were all okay with that. My role and importance to my children has continued to evolve.  And I'm okay with that.

Wishing everyone out there a great school year!

http://minivanphilosopher.blogspot.com/2009/08/congratulations-youve-been-promoted-to.html

Boys to Men

There was a small pile in the hall outside the Sage's room. I asked him what the pile was for, why was it there? He replied, "To donate to Goodwill, Mom."  I said "Oh that's right, Thursday, yes."

I looked closely at what he was giving away. It was clearly things he didn't need anymore. I got a little choked up when I saw the Spider-man sheets & the Scooby-Doo pillowcases. I don't have any more little boys in the house. Ones who would run & jump from couch to chair or who would fly from room to room with action figures in their hands & superhero capes fastened to their Jammie's. No more little boys asking to watch Shrek or Monster House for the millionth time. Or who would stand atop their red wagon outside belting out Sonia Dada's "lover lover you don't treat me no good no more" because I played it too many times while driving the minivan. No more little boys who were thrilled to receive a balloon for no reason or who collected Yu-Gi-Oh cards or built elaborate cities first with their Thomas the Train sets and then next with their Legos.  No more little boys who instinctually held my hand when walking with me or who didn't think twice about kissing me good night.  And who very innocently declared that I must have been the girl James Blunt was singing about in his song, "You're Beautiful".

No somehow, someway when my head was turned or I was napping on the couch, my little boys grew up. They have bigger beds now to hold their bigger feet. They watch MTV2 & laugh uncontrollably. They Facebook & Twitter & Instagram. They play hard and sing loudly "their songs" not mine.

But even though they're growing up, they still hug me, still talk to me about everything (and I mean EVERYTHING!). They don't hold my hand when crossing the street but they put their arms out to stop me from getting hit by the car "that just appeared out of nowhere." They listen to me as I go through chemo & do what they can to ease my pain or discomfort. We laugh & joke & cry together.  But instead of them only leaning on my shoulders, we lean on each other's.

Yes I am a bit sad that my little boys are gone, but I love the men they are becoming.  And so I move the donation pile to the front door for Thursday. It's okay. It's all okay.

Super weird, new normal or an anomaly?

Nine weeks left. 
I have managed to survive this week's polar vortex (for those not in St. Louis - 12 inches of snow, 20 below zero wind chills, more snow, more freezing temps and now 7 hours of rainfall...).  I have worn lots of layers, got me some fancy silk long underwear that has really been worth the $$ I spent.  I used up almost all of my "toe warmers" as I couldn't leave the house without them.

Thankfully, I have three able-bodied children who did shovel the snow so we could get out of the house.  There was no way I was picking up a shovel!

Homecoming

Ladybug is home from college on Christmas break. It feels good to have us all back together again under the same roof. We have missed her a lot!

I'll write more later. I'm tired now from driving 11 hours in two days. But it was so worth it.

Feeling very blessed.

Hope you are too!

50% done; 6 down, 6 to go; half a pie gone; THE halfway mark!

I had my 6th chemo treatment today. Halfway there.  Really thankful for the physical and mental health break that I got over the last four weeks.  Hoping it will give me the strength to make it through this and the next 6.  14 more weeks.

Good news - have become a member of the Cancer Support Community in Des Peres.  They do amazing work.  Support groups, exercise classes, nutritional counseling and cooking classes and support groups for kids and teens.  Last night we went to the Family Support Group night and the kids collaborated on a song about cancer while the parents talked about all the fun things (sarcasm) this diagnosis has thrust upon us.  After our sessions, we went to listen to the CD the kids made.  They wrote the song and sang it as well.  It was titled "Woah, cancer"  and I started tearing up at the first line... I was overwhelmed with the kids' love for us parents as it was evidenced through the lyrics.  My boys had such a great time too.  When Ladybug gets home, I'm going to have the three of them do a session of KidsRock Cancer.  I think it will be really healthy and fun for them.  I'm also excited that the boys want to do the other family events (tae kwon do, cooking classes etc).

I am glad that I got so upset the last time and wrote emails that lit fires under a few experts asses and that the response has connected me to the available resources that I so desperately needed. 

In addition, I know deep down that the universe is rewarding me for going through all this chemo-mess by bringing an Ikea to St. Louis!!!!  I am grateful and excited for sure!

The next two days are going to be pretty awful weather-wise... will have to wrap up like Ralphie in a Christmas Story.  But hopefully with a little more style.

PS - cut my hair so it wouldn't be as obnoxious as my hair continues to thin out and my blonde strands are found everywhere!

Primitive text message

From my Sage, it surprised me and made me smile!

I think I can... I think I can..

I feel like I've ignored my readers because I haven't blogged lately.  But the tingling and random paralysis in my hands from the freaking chemo treatment has made it difficult to type much less cook, wash dishes, open doors, zip zippers, drive the car etc...  And with the onset of autumn and winter just around the corner it's not going to get any easier.

However... Three things I have done for myself: 1) joined the Missouri Botanical Gardens and have gone to sit in the Climatron just to breathe in all that great oxygen from the living, healing plants; 2) incorporated hot Epsom salt tub soaks to try to pull the chemo toxins out of my body through the skin; and 3) started drinking the "life changing smoothie" each day.  Still too early to tell the results but at least I feel like I'm doing something or in control just a wee tiny bit. (A friend also recommended that I use amber to help keep my hands warm.  She located a place nearby that sells it and I have added it to my list of 'things to do'.)

I am feeling more tired towards the end of the workday than before.  My body just wants to rest.  And the thought of crawling into my warm bed and drifting off to dreamland where there is no chemotherapy, there are no medical bills, no home repairs to make, my Fox isn't a million miles away, and my book is done and sold is so tempting and inviting.  However, the boys have after school and evening activities that they need taxiing to/fro that makes me stay up, stay awake and stay in my reality.

It is what it is right now.  I only have 16 more weeks of treatment.  Just 16, I can make it.  I'll be the little engine that could.  Thanks for riding along with me.

Breath of fresh air

It's amazing what an hour-long conversation with my Ladybug can do for my soul.  She had just finished her very first college English course.  She texted me about it and I had to pick up the phone to hear her voice.  She's lucky I didn't FaceTime her right there in the quad.  Anyway, she is doing so well.  Loves her roommate.  Is adjusting (slowly) to the Mississippi heat.  And has met four other students from our region! Go figure!

In one month....

I was diagnosed with cancer.
My grandfather died; I handled all the funeral arrangements in between doctor's appointments.
I had a CT scan, two blood tests, an MRI, and a PET scan.
I learned to love Ambien.
I had a nine-hour surgery to remove more of my colon than originally anticipated, my right ovary and to stop the leaking non-cancerous cyst.
I had an 8-day hospital stay, experienced what it truly means to be invisible.
And my Ladybug left for college leaving a huge hole in my soul.
That's a lot for any sane person much less me.

I received good advice today from a friend who lost her husband to cancer.

No place like home

I'm home. Happily relieved to be here. No more blood to give. No more complimentary "waxings" to receive when they rip the tape off my skin. No more bruises from shots. No more feeling like emotional sandpaper. No more green hospital gowns that wear on me like a tent. Nope, no more.

My sanity savers were my children, my family &  friends, my Fox, and Brandi Carlile's music. Without them, I wouldn't have made it through my 8 days post surgery hospitalization. And there could have very well been a prison sentence for me afterwards with the number of 'care partners' I wanted to kill. But I didn't and there isn't because of my sanity savers.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I will never forget.

Now I wait for post op visits, pathology reports & chemotherapy strategy. I'm okay with all that, because I am home.

It's like waiting for Santa but its not...

The clock ticks. Slowly. I know I should relish this last 'regular' day.  But I'm not.  I'm so aware that tomorrow at noon begins all the prep for surgery.  That wonderful prep.  Actually after midnight tonight, I get to eat nothing and drink only clear liquids.  So you would think that I would be hitting every all-you-can-eat buffet in town, but I'm not. Instead I had some Kombucha and crackers with cheese from Whole Foods. I did have a cookie too because it will be a while before I can eat those again..  Oh and I did have one last soda.  Can't imagine I will be wanting to introduce carbonation to my healing colon for a good while after surgery.  Would hate to get a 'gas leak'... lol I crack myself up.

So that's what that was all about???

Who knew those night sweats and occasional fevers and weight loss were signs that the cancer was lurking in my colon?

I certainly didn't.

When my doctor friend (who is not treating me) started asking me if I had experienced those things I said "yes but..."

Sky lanterns, s'mores & sunsets

Well readers our vacation ends tomorrow. It has been great. Three & a half books read (make that 4 out of 5 books brought to the lake!), another 1,000 words written, tan lines just shy of sunburns gotten, bottle of vodka polished off, countless spectacular crashes off the donut/kneeboarding/wakeboard & jet ski, new friends made & old ones rekindled. All in all a great week. Our weather couldn't have been any more beautiful either. Hate that it is coming to an end but, alas, it is. *sigh*.

I have an 8 hour drive ahead of me tomorrow, so I best go for now. Hope you enjoyed relaxing with us.
Back to our regularly scheduled programming Monday.
Peace,
~the Philosopher

Some fun is better left for the kids...

Why I thought it was a good idea to go tubing yesterday, I will never know! I'm paying for it today with extremely sore shoulders, triceps & biceps! I think I will stick to driving the jet skis only!

I doubt my boys are sore though from their successful kneeboarding & wake boarding yesterday. So exciting to see them have so much fun.

(I wonder if there is a Amish massage therapist in this town? Ha ha ha)

I'm making lots of little moans and grunts today but not the fun kind...

2-1 bad guys

As we were leaving the Chicago Fire soccer game (which we lost), the Sage says, "Well that was like watching Shakespeare in the Park with all the acting going on."

He makes me laugh. And because of that, I will forgive him for waking me up at 6:30 a.m. to ask when we were going to ride the jet skis. I reminded him gently that I was on vacation & would get up when I got up. He apologized and crept out of my room.

Other than the too early wake up, it is wonderful to be in Sturgis, Michigan with their lakes, their Amish, their inexpensive tasty food & their expensive gasoline. And apparently the town's Internet has improved -we've got 3G!

All right then, time to go swimming.
More updates later.

If only my premonitions were useful...

Today I woke up to a Facebook posting by The Rockstar that, lately, he has been faced with making all sorts of decisions, that it has been tough and that he might be moving.

I sat straight up and stared at my little iPhone screen, shocked.  WTF?! 

I called his father.  No answer.

I called him.  No answer.

I ran into Ladybug's room and woke her up demanding if she knew about Rockstar's plan to move.  She groggily denied any knowledge.  I fluttered from room to room.  I texted his father.

I called Rockstar again.  He called back.

I told him what I saw on Facebook.  I asked him WTF is he thinking? He said he wants to grow up with his dad.  I reminded him that his father due to his job is only there for two weeks every thirty days.  Rockstar replied that he knew that but if he were living out there, he wouldn't have to wait a week to see his dad.  I was hurt.  I still am. Hours after this conversation, the bleeding hasn't stopped.

I told him that I shouldn't have found out via Facebook and that this was a conversation between his father and me and to tell his dad to call me when he woke up.

Ten years!  Ten years!  I said to myself in the mirror.  I have taken care of him when his father left.  I have made sure he got to school, played sports, got to the doctor/dentist/orthodontist/counselor.  I have gone to every school function I could attend, cheered loudly for him from the sidelines of every game he played in, celebrated his wins and consoled his losses.  I have laughed and cried with him.  I protected his father's reputation and made sure that he developed a relationship with him. I have put my life on hold to make sure I do what's best for him and my other two children.  His text response was:  "... more opportunities for me to grow up and become a man out here..." that it wasn't about me, that he loved me and always would.  blah blah blah

His father called.  He does not agree with Rockstar.  He thinks Rockstar should continue to live with me, not change his permanent address and when he is in town Rockstar can come stay with him.  I was relieved to know I was not being ambushed. 

My friends say for me not to take any of it personally, that it is just a function of his age (14) and that Rockstar will realize how much he does like it at home.

I replied that I try not to take it personally but after the years of many difficult conversations I have had with my children when they were extolling the virtues of being with their dad and his wife and her extended family because "that's what a family really is and we don't have that with you," it is very hard.  Christmas 2011 my children chose to leave me alone so they could spend it with their step-mom and her family even though their father was NOT going to be there due to work. That was the loneliest Christmas I have ever experienced.  I still hurt from that.  And today's Facebook posting, subsequent conversations and text message with Rockstar resurrected that hurt and tore off any bandages I had. Yes, the bleeding continues.

I have done the best I could for ten years.  I tried to have them understand that our little four-person unit was a family and that we needed to love and protect each other. 

I can't write any more on this right now.  In a day or so, when I have regained perspective, I'll continue. But for now, all I can say is I wish my gut feelings (like those referenced in the posting A new normal) could be put to use in picking out winning lottery numbers instead of predicting heartbreak. 

Tourniquet anyone?  Anyone?

A new normal is coming our way... can I cope?

So I've been single for over 10 years now raising my three kids practically on my own.  (However, I have been blessed to have had a great support system and 'village' that has kept me sane and been positive influences on my kids.)  Their father moved a few states away when he left and has a job that keeps him away from his home 30 days at a time.  Therefore, my children have not spent a whole lot of time with their dad in the last ten years.  But that's all about to change.

He and his wife have recently bought a home 45 minutes away from me.  Circumstances with his wife's ex have made it possible for them to come live here.  My kids are super excited.  I am mixed emotionally.

What is pleasing about their move:
1) Having more regular breaks from parental responsibility.  The last ten years I have had the children 99.9999% of the time.  And it wasn't easy having a newborn, 4-year old and 8-year old with no regular breaks.  Of course now they are 10, 14 and 18 so things are remarkably different and 'easier' (I say that in quotes because although it is physically easier, it is emotionally/mentally just as tough.)

2) Children get to see their father more frequently.  Because now he will be spending his time off work with his kids in the same state.  And during the summer time, the kids can be with him the whole time he is home and he can run them to their ball games and practices and dental appointments and doctor visits and buy their shoes and feed them.  (Oh my it will be nice to save a few dollars!!!)  And they can build memories together and strengthen their bonds by more frequent visits that last longer than 48 hours over random weekends.

3) Saving money.  Because they will be with their dad more, I will spend less on food, gas, shampoo, soap, toothpaste, laundry detergent and toilet paper (and significantly reduce the amount of times I find myself staring at an empty toilet paper holder because the children don't EVER change the roll! That, my dear readers, is going to end up a blog posting all it's own!!!)

What has my heart heavy about their move:
1) Although the kids will go to their dads, I will still have the dogs to take care of...  and I have not been successful in getting my ex to take the dogs along with the kids.  So I won't be completely fancy-free when they are at their dad's because my two canines will need my attention.

2) Having to see how much 'fun' they have with their dad and how he can be entirely devoted to them because he won't have to work when he is in town.  A positive trade-off to the fact that he's gone 30 days at a time.  I try to keep it in perspective but it does sting a little when they jump around full of excitement when they get to go be with him and his wife and their stepbrother and stepsisters.  They are instantly like the Brady Bunch.  And then they come home to boring, routine mom who has to work and it's just the four of us.  I hope they realize when they are older that I did the best I could for them with the circumstances I was left. 

I know the benefits are going to outweigh my nagging insecurities.  I guess the last ten years, the kids didn't really have a choice on which parent they were going to be with so, by default, they got me.  Now with him living here, they will be with him more frequently and it's possible that they could choose him over me. 

Maybe that's what's really bothering me? Potentially, not being the one who is chosen... hmmm... now that I've figured that out, I know which insecurity to start tackling, you know, while they are at their dad's.