New blog post at Simonerichards.com
I've been super busy with all the steps regarding publishing Midnight Playground. It's a matter of a few weeks away.
I hope you'll join me over on the new website, read the blog posts there and give me your feedback regarding Midnight Playground.
Showing posts with label random thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label random thoughts. Show all posts
Monday, September 26, 2016
Friday, August 19, 2016
It's in the Production phase!
Hello! It's been a while, that's for sure. I've been working diligently editing my book, Midnight Playground Where the Soul Plays. It has taken me almost as long to edit it as it did to write it. But I have to say, it's really good. The feedback from my beta-readers has been amazing and encouraging.
I sent the final draft and the cover artwork to the publisher two days ago. Now I'm working on creating the social media presence for my book and developing the brand, Simone M Richards - author. I'm learning TONS! Eventually I will be migrating the Minivan Philosopher over to Simone's blog and website. You will be notified when that happens.
It seems very surreal. The book could be available as soon as Christmas and as late at March. Either way, I know that when it's ready it will be the right time for me. I've had wonderful support throughout the whole process from my family, my friends and my editor. His feedback is immeasurable! He saved the world from my first draft, ha ha ha!
I'm excited to get this underway and then head back to my keyboard and my office/study at home. I've treated myself to an upstairs study. I kicked the Rockstar to the basement and moved the Sage to another room so I could have my own library/office/study. I feel like a proper grownup now. The Rockstar protested initially but I think he kind of likes his mini apartment in the basement. Of course, I have to remind myself when I go down there to get to the laundry room, that the putrid smell is of his soccer cleats and not a dead animal. He'll be off to college in twelve months. I'll miss him but not that smell.
Anyway, I apologize that I've been a bit neglectful to you here at Minivan Philosopher and wanted to update you. It's exciting times for me and pretty much everyone connected to me.
I saw this on a wooden sign at a store in Chicago recently.
I sent the final draft and the cover artwork to the publisher two days ago. Now I'm working on creating the social media presence for my book and developing the brand, Simone M Richards - author. I'm learning TONS! Eventually I will be migrating the Minivan Philosopher over to Simone's blog and website. You will be notified when that happens.
It seems very surreal. The book could be available as soon as Christmas and as late at March. Either way, I know that when it's ready it will be the right time for me. I've had wonderful support throughout the whole process from my family, my friends and my editor. His feedback is immeasurable! He saved the world from my first draft, ha ha ha!
I'm excited to get this underway and then head back to my keyboard and my office/study at home. I've treated myself to an upstairs study. I kicked the Rockstar to the basement and moved the Sage to another room so I could have my own library/office/study. I feel like a proper grownup now. The Rockstar protested initially but I think he kind of likes his mini apartment in the basement. Of course, I have to remind myself when I go down there to get to the laundry room, that the putrid smell is of his soccer cleats and not a dead animal. He'll be off to college in twelve months. I'll miss him but not that smell.
Anyway, I apologize that I've been a bit neglectful to you here at Minivan Philosopher and wanted to update you. It's exciting times for me and pretty much everyone connected to me.
I saw this on a wooden sign at a store in Chicago recently.
She believe she could, so she did
Yep, you're right. I bought it.
Oh and it's been three years since my surgery and I'm still cancer-free!!!!
The Ferris Wheel in Seattle! Yeah, I've been vacationing a bit as well as writing and editing. I'll post pics from our absolutely beautiful hikes in Oregon and Seattle, Washington soon.
Cheers!
Cheers!
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
Midnight Playground: Where the Soul Plays is at the publishers!!!
Last week I sent my publishing team the manuscript. It is now in the content review and editorial assessment stage. Holy Cow!!!
As soon as I hit the "send" button, I felt like throwing up. My stomach was tied in a million knots and my arm pits started sweating. This is my physical reaction when I'm excited and scared and nervous all at the same time. I was thankful I had already booked a 4:30 yoga class as I needed it desperately to calm my insides and quiet my mind. I was so happy to be doing side planks even though the are not my most favorite pose. However, my mind had to stay focused on the plank at hand which was a relief from the constant chatter of my meandering mind.
As I left the studio after class, I felt much calmer and more in control. I felt again aligned with the universe and what is supposed to happen in my life. It was a huge step sending off the manuscript. I feel good. I know I have a LOT of work ahead of me to promote Midnight Playground: Where the Soul Plays and to get people interested in reading it. I also feel deep down in my gut that it is going to be a LOT of fun!
In the week since I have tackled some home improvement projects and made progress on my to-do list. You know, things that piled up (including my laundry) while I was focused on the book. It feels good to reclaim all of my spaces (emotional, physical, internal and external). And I'm ready to start finishing my other two books (Purg-a-Tory and 4199)... Life is good. :-)
As soon as I hit the "send" button, I felt like throwing up. My stomach was tied in a million knots and my arm pits started sweating. This is my physical reaction when I'm excited and scared and nervous all at the same time. I was thankful I had already booked a 4:30 yoga class as I needed it desperately to calm my insides and quiet my mind. I was so happy to be doing side planks even though the are not my most favorite pose. However, my mind had to stay focused on the plank at hand which was a relief from the constant chatter of my meandering mind.
As I left the studio after class, I felt much calmer and more in control. I felt again aligned with the universe and what is supposed to happen in my life. It was a huge step sending off the manuscript. I feel good. I know I have a LOT of work ahead of me to promote Midnight Playground: Where the Soul Plays and to get people interested in reading it. I also feel deep down in my gut that it is going to be a LOT of fun!
In the week since I have tackled some home improvement projects and made progress on my to-do list. You know, things that piled up (including my laundry) while I was focused on the book. It feels good to reclaim all of my spaces (emotional, physical, internal and external). And I'm ready to start finishing my other two books (Purg-a-Tory and 4199)... Life is good. :-)
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
My new reality is around the corner
Yeah! I did it. Finished the book. Been revising and editing for what seems like ages now. I've had three rounds of beta-readers and have absorbed all they suggested. Only one person didn't like it; but she still had valid comments. Now I'm finalizing the artwork, prepping the website, filling out paperwork, drawing up intellectual property contracts and generally feeling giddy about the future. It's really happening. My intention to live my life as a published author is only a few months away. It's going to be so much fun.
In between book stuff, I've been looking for a car for my Rockstar, working at my suddenly politically sensitive and busy "real job", managing to stay sane during club soccer season, doing lots of yoga (one year in so far and my body has really changed and it's no longer in constant pain -big smiles here!!), dieting and down 40 pounds since August...working on last 20. Love my life.
In the midst of all my wonderful happiness though are reminders that life is short and so unfair. I've lost two friends in the last six weeks to different medical issues: heart attack and colon cancer (yikes that's close to home!). Both men left behind kids and families that dearly loved them and a community that misses them tremendously. Both were musicians and when I heard of David Bowie's death today, I visualized them all making heavenly music together and it made me happy.
Love fully, love richly, love now
~the Philosopher
In between book stuff, I've been looking for a car for my Rockstar, working at my suddenly politically sensitive and busy "real job", managing to stay sane during club soccer season, doing lots of yoga (one year in so far and my body has really changed and it's no longer in constant pain -big smiles here!!), dieting and down 40 pounds since August...working on last 20. Love my life.
In the midst of all my wonderful happiness though are reminders that life is short and so unfair. I've lost two friends in the last six weeks to different medical issues: heart attack and colon cancer (yikes that's close to home!). Both men left behind kids and families that dearly loved them and a community that misses them tremendously. Both were musicians and when I heard of David Bowie's death today, I visualized them all making heavenly music together and it made me happy.
Love fully, love richly, love now
~the Philosopher
Friday, October 30, 2015
50,000 words!!!
I have done it. I have crossed the 50,000 word threshold for my upcoming book, Midnight Playground. I am writing daily and am getting close to having it finished. I am so excited and nervous all at the same time. I really feel like this book will be my "gateway book" (insert smiley face emoticon here) so that I can write full time and finish the Transporter series and Purgatory and write whatever else comes to mind. But for right now, at this very moment, I am so excited that I crossed that milestone of 50,000 words. Onward!
Monday, September 28, 2015
I am Titanium...
Rockstar is having his ACL reconstructed as I write this post. I am sitting in the hospital waiting room sending positive thoughts and energy his way. He was so sweet to me while in the holding room and under the effects of the first batch of "happy drugs". He was holding my hand and telling me how glad he was that I was there with him, that he felt better and more calm because it was me standing there next to him and not his dad or his best friend. That made my heart swell. I know he was under the influence and probably won't remember it but at least I know that deep in his heart he really does love his mom.
He is facing six months of recovery and rehab. It is going to be an interesting time for the whole family but I feel we will make it. We survived my six months of chemo; we will get through this too.
I feel blessed that we have great doctors and great technology and that he is young and healthy.
He is facing six months of recovery and rehab. It is going to be an interesting time for the whole family but I feel we will make it. We survived my six months of chemo; we will get through this too.
I feel blessed that we have great doctors and great technology and that he is young and healthy.
Monday, August 17, 2015
Revisiting and remembering
Below is a link to a post from from the start of school six years ago ... oh how times have changed...
My Ladybug is a hipster, living and loving life and learning to navigate adulthood over in Portland. My Rockstar is a junior now and my Sage, a seventh grader. I dropped the boys off at school today per my usual start of the school year routine but there were no pictures, no hugs or kisses goodbye, simply well wishes for a great day. And we were all okay with that. My role and importance to my children has continued to evolve. And I'm okay with that.
Wishing everyone out there a great school year!
http://minivanphilosopher.blogspot.com/2009/08/congratulations-youve-been-promoted-to.html
My Ladybug is a hipster, living and loving life and learning to navigate adulthood over in Portland. My Rockstar is a junior now and my Sage, a seventh grader. I dropped the boys off at school today per my usual start of the school year routine but there were no pictures, no hugs or kisses goodbye, simply well wishes for a great day. And we were all okay with that. My role and importance to my children has continued to evolve. And I'm okay with that.
Wishing everyone out there a great school year!
http://minivanphilosopher.blogspot.com/2009/08/congratulations-youve-been-promoted-to.html
Friday, July 31, 2015
My Journey, His Journey, Your Journey, Our Journey
And I'm not talking about the band Journey although the title of this blog post could easily be on a flyer for any karaoke bar here in St. Louis...
No I'm talking about that path we all march on from birth to death... our journey.
Sometimes it crosses others, sometimes it merges, sometimes it veers right when others go left. The only consistent part is that you are still on it, on your path. Only you can walk it, dance it, run it, drive it. Sometimes we want to keep our journeys merged with other people's because it is more fun, more interesting, we love them or we are afraid to be alone on our own journey. But what do you do, how do you cope when the paths diverge and you weren't ready yet? Or you thought you weren't ready?
TRUST. Yep that little word. You must surrender to trust in your path. Sure, you can be sad that you won't be walking, dancing or running together anymore. Please, shed some tears too. Those are all good and necessary to healing and to seeing your way clearly on your own path again. Try your best to fight the urge to analyze under a microscope every step you made while on the merged path. Try your best to not be angry at your fellow sojourner who took the fork in the road which was only evident on his/her map. If you can allow yourself to trust that you are walking down the path exactly as it is supposed to be, you can look forward to all that you are about to encounter, and you can be grateful for all that you have already walked. Sometimes your paths will cross again or merge again and then that section of your journey(s) is even better than the first time. But sometimes they do not ever come into contact again, and you have to trust that that was just how it was meant to be.
I walk mine. You walk yours. Sometimes we walk it together.
Until our paths cross again, god speed...
-the Philosopher
No I'm talking about that path we all march on from birth to death... our journey.
Sometimes it crosses others, sometimes it merges, sometimes it veers right when others go left. The only consistent part is that you are still on it, on your path. Only you can walk it, dance it, run it, drive it. Sometimes we want to keep our journeys merged with other people's because it is more fun, more interesting, we love them or we are afraid to be alone on our own journey. But what do you do, how do you cope when the paths diverge and you weren't ready yet? Or you thought you weren't ready?
TRUST. Yep that little word. You must surrender to trust in your path. Sure, you can be sad that you won't be walking, dancing or running together anymore. Please, shed some tears too. Those are all good and necessary to healing and to seeing your way clearly on your own path again. Try your best to fight the urge to analyze under a microscope every step you made while on the merged path. Try your best to not be angry at your fellow sojourner who took the fork in the road which was only evident on his/her map. If you can allow yourself to trust that you are walking down the path exactly as it is supposed to be, you can look forward to all that you are about to encounter, and you can be grateful for all that you have already walked. Sometimes your paths will cross again or merge again and then that section of your journey(s) is even better than the first time. But sometimes they do not ever come into contact again, and you have to trust that that was just how it was meant to be.
I walk mine. You walk yours. Sometimes we walk it together.
Until our paths cross again, god speed...
-the Philosopher
Monday, July 20, 2015
Two years hence...
Wow! I went on vacation to the lake house & didn't blog once! What does that mean? And the two-year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis was last week & I didn't write about that either! What does this say about me & where I am right now in my life? Should I be concerned?
I don't think so. I'm very busy writing & editing my first book that I'm publishing hopefully around valentines day. I'm dealing with a lot on that project which will explain the blogging deficit. But the cancer thing, that is weird especially since my quarterly blood test is Wednesday and I'm nervous as usual. Can't sleep well & get the night sweats frequently now. I'm hoping it's only menopause (early onset, chemo-induced you know)... I'll know more Wednesday. Until then, I'll keep busy moving forward with life. I won't make mountains out of a mole hill, at least not this mole hill.
Cheers xx
-the Philosopher
Update: Good visit with oncologist. All blood tests came back great. My CEA levels are 1.1 lowest in a year (not that 1.3 and 1.4 are very high mind you especially when anything under 5 is considered normal). They think the pain I'm feeling in my upper left abdomen is merely functional and related to the healing process from the colon resection surgery from almost two years ago. In addition, I don't have to go back until January. I am now on the six-month rotation instead of every three months... NICE!!!
There were no molehills nor mountains, it's all good.
I don't think so. I'm very busy writing & editing my first book that I'm publishing hopefully around valentines day. I'm dealing with a lot on that project which will explain the blogging deficit. But the cancer thing, that is weird especially since my quarterly blood test is Wednesday and I'm nervous as usual. Can't sleep well & get the night sweats frequently now. I'm hoping it's only menopause (early onset, chemo-induced you know)... I'll know more Wednesday. Until then, I'll keep busy moving forward with life. I won't make mountains out of a mole hill, at least not this mole hill.
Cheers xx
-the Philosopher
Update: Good visit with oncologist. All blood tests came back great. My CEA levels are 1.1 lowest in a year (not that 1.3 and 1.4 are very high mind you especially when anything under 5 is considered normal). They think the pain I'm feeling in my upper left abdomen is merely functional and related to the healing process from the colon resection surgery from almost two years ago. In addition, I don't have to go back until January. I am now on the six-month rotation instead of every three months... NICE!!!
There were no molehills nor mountains, it's all good.
Thursday, June 11, 2015
I love you.
I love you.
Today, I love you.
Perhaps I will still love you tomorrow.
But today, know that I love you.
And with each wake, it is still today.
And today, I love you.
My love isn’t meant to burden you. My loving you doesn’t mean you now have to solve
all my problems and ensure my happiness for the rest of eternity. My love isn’t
conditional. My love isn’t a call to superhero action for you. My love is
quiet. My love is warm. My love is fondness. My love is tenderness. It is healing. My loving
you is simply the action & reaction of my heart and soul towards you. My love isn’t meant to shackle you. My love isn’t designed to possess nor to suffocate
you. It simply is. As you and I, simply, are.
Friday, May 8, 2015
True Love - A Practice
I was introduced to the book True Love: A Practice for Awakening the Heart by Thich Nhat Hanh on the website www.brainpickings.org
(In fact, I have been introduced to quite a lot via that website. If you are interested in expanding your intellectual capacity I highly recommend giving her a visit.)
Anyway, my interest was piqued reading her essay about this book and I rushed to the public library website and promptly reserved me a copy. I have renewed it twice already. It's a short book, 104 pages. Written very simply but worth reading and re-reading. I think I will end up just buying my own copy. I can only renew it one more time before I have to return it. I wanted to share with you my readers an extremely brief synopsis of the four aspects of love as described in the book. For a much more in depth and beautifully written essay, go to brainpickings and read hers.
Here is my summary...
According to Buddhism, there are four aspects of true love:
1) Maitri meaning loving-kindness or benevolence. It's the desire AND the ability to bring joy and happiness to the person you love. "Because even if your intention is to love this person, your love might make him or her suffer."
2) Karuna meaning compassion. This is the desire AND the ability to ease the pain of another person.
To bring joy and compassion you must practice "deep-looking" or searching for understanding of your love. Because when you know and understand his or her aspirations and his or her sufferings, you can bring joy and ease pain. How often do we actually practice "deep-looking" with the people we love (including our family and friends)?
3) Mudita meaning joy. "If there is no joy in love, it is not true love. If you are suffering all the time, if you cry all the time, and if you make the person you love cry, this is not really love -- it is even the opposite. If there is no joy in your love, you can be sure it is not true love."
and
4) Upeksha meaning equanimity or freedom. "In true love, you attain freedom. When you love, you bring freedom to the person you love. If the opposite is true, it is not true love. You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free, not only outside but also inside. 'Dear one, do you have enough space in your heart and all around you?' This is an intelligent question for testing out whether your love is something real."
Hanh goes on to say that to love in the context of buddhism is to be there. To bring your true presence to your loved one, not only your body but your mind too. He suggests this mantra to say to help you stay truly present, "Dear one, I am really here for you."
I had several ah-ha moments while reading True Love. And each time I re-read a passage or paragraph or dwell on a definition, I gain more insight into what was preventing earlier relationships from being true love. I am definitely more at peace in my current relationship with 007 than earlier ones (especially Mike and my fox). I am practicing deep-looking and being present. I am learning what it feels like to love according to Buddha. It is different, scary at times but there is no suffering like before. I like that. I will continue practicing true love and awakening my heart to it.
Thanks for stopping by and I hope you have true love already. If not, may you find each other and enjoy it for the rest of your days.
"Dear one, I am here for you."
~The Philosopher
(In fact, I have been introduced to quite a lot via that website. If you are interested in expanding your intellectual capacity I highly recommend giving her a visit.)
Anyway, my interest was piqued reading her essay about this book and I rushed to the public library website and promptly reserved me a copy. I have renewed it twice already. It's a short book, 104 pages. Written very simply but worth reading and re-reading. I think I will end up just buying my own copy. I can only renew it one more time before I have to return it. I wanted to share with you my readers an extremely brief synopsis of the four aspects of love as described in the book. For a much more in depth and beautifully written essay, go to brainpickings and read hers.
Here is my summary...
According to Buddhism, there are four aspects of true love:
1) Maitri meaning loving-kindness or benevolence. It's the desire AND the ability to bring joy and happiness to the person you love. "Because even if your intention is to love this person, your love might make him or her suffer."
2) Karuna meaning compassion. This is the desire AND the ability to ease the pain of another person.
To bring joy and compassion you must practice "deep-looking" or searching for understanding of your love. Because when you know and understand his or her aspirations and his or her sufferings, you can bring joy and ease pain. How often do we actually practice "deep-looking" with the people we love (including our family and friends)?
3) Mudita meaning joy. "If there is no joy in love, it is not true love. If you are suffering all the time, if you cry all the time, and if you make the person you love cry, this is not really love -- it is even the opposite. If there is no joy in your love, you can be sure it is not true love."
and
4) Upeksha meaning equanimity or freedom. "In true love, you attain freedom. When you love, you bring freedom to the person you love. If the opposite is true, it is not true love. You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free, not only outside but also inside. 'Dear one, do you have enough space in your heart and all around you?' This is an intelligent question for testing out whether your love is something real."
Hanh goes on to say that to love in the context of buddhism is to be there. To bring your true presence to your loved one, not only your body but your mind too. He suggests this mantra to say to help you stay truly present, "Dear one, I am really here for you."
I had several ah-ha moments while reading True Love. And each time I re-read a passage or paragraph or dwell on a definition, I gain more insight into what was preventing earlier relationships from being true love. I am definitely more at peace in my current relationship with 007 than earlier ones (especially Mike and my fox). I am practicing deep-looking and being present. I am learning what it feels like to love according to Buddha. It is different, scary at times but there is no suffering like before. I like that. I will continue practicing true love and awakening my heart to it.
Thanks for stopping by and I hope you have true love already. If not, may you find each other and enjoy it for the rest of your days.
"Dear one, I am here for you."
~The Philosopher
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Four words
"Get your own water."
"I'm on my way."
The first sentence has scarred me with me many years of pain and confusion and feelings of worthlessness. The second sentence brought tears to my eyes because of all those years of pain and confusion and feeling worthless.
When my ex-husband and I were first dating over 22 years ago, I would ask him to fill my glass of water if he were getting up to go to the kitchen. It was one of those "hey while you're up, would you mind getting me ..." sorts of requests. I didn't think anything of it. I didn't think it was a big deal. A few months in to dating each other, he said to me that he hated when I would ask him for water and that he felt I was taking advantage of him and that I was just being lazy. I never asked him for another glass of water. It hurt when he said that. Had I known then what I know now, I would never have continued dating him nor married him but I didn't. I was young; I was a people pleaser. Those four words "get your own water" became ingrained into my psyche way down deep. The man I loved didn't think I was special enough to bring me water when I asked, so obviously I wasn't special enough to matter to anyone especially other men.
I have been divorced over ten years. Who would have thought that I would still be feeling the after effects of those four words?
But last night as I sat in 007's car tears welling up in my eyes because I was overwhelmed by his kindness towards me. A simple act that he didn't think twice about almost knocked my core being completely flat. He came to pick me up, to drive me home after an all-day pub crawl I had been on so I wouldn't have to drive home. His text "I'm on my way" brought tears to my eyes.
Not only did he drive twenty minutes to get me, he parked & came inside the bar to find me. I was expecting that he would drive up, text me he was outside & I would leave. And I would have been okay with that because that's what I was used to, how a not special-enough person is treated, always feeling that I had been too much of a burden already, I couldn't possibly ask for anything more. I didn't ask him to come get me, my girlfriend made the telephone call. It didn't take much convincing on her part. She asked, explained the situation and he said he was on his way. Why was I so afraid to ask him? Because I was afraid he'd tell me no, to get my own water, reinforcing my belief that I wasn't worthy.
But he didn't. He came. He took care of me because I am special & because he is kind.
I'm moving through new emotional waters here. It's going to be hard to undo 20+ years of negative self-talk, to realize that people (including men) will do nice things for me because they want to & because they like me, not because of what they can get from me in return. I am so grateful, so eternally grateful, that the universe is giving me this gift of growth towards acceptance & healing and that 007 is her chosen tool.
I'm on my way.
"I'm on my way."
The first sentence has scarred me with me many years of pain and confusion and feelings of worthlessness. The second sentence brought tears to my eyes because of all those years of pain and confusion and feeling worthless.
When my ex-husband and I were first dating over 22 years ago, I would ask him to fill my glass of water if he were getting up to go to the kitchen. It was one of those "hey while you're up, would you mind getting me ..." sorts of requests. I didn't think anything of it. I didn't think it was a big deal. A few months in to dating each other, he said to me that he hated when I would ask him for water and that he felt I was taking advantage of him and that I was just being lazy. I never asked him for another glass of water. It hurt when he said that. Had I known then what I know now, I would never have continued dating him nor married him but I didn't. I was young; I was a people pleaser. Those four words "get your own water" became ingrained into my psyche way down deep. The man I loved didn't think I was special enough to bring me water when I asked, so obviously I wasn't special enough to matter to anyone especially other men.
I have been divorced over ten years. Who would have thought that I would still be feeling the after effects of those four words?
But last night as I sat in 007's car tears welling up in my eyes because I was overwhelmed by his kindness towards me. A simple act that he didn't think twice about almost knocked my core being completely flat. He came to pick me up, to drive me home after an all-day pub crawl I had been on so I wouldn't have to drive home. His text "I'm on my way" brought tears to my eyes.
Not only did he drive twenty minutes to get me, he parked & came inside the bar to find me. I was expecting that he would drive up, text me he was outside & I would leave. And I would have been okay with that because that's what I was used to, how a not special-enough person is treated, always feeling that I had been too much of a burden already, I couldn't possibly ask for anything more. I didn't ask him to come get me, my girlfriend made the telephone call. It didn't take much convincing on her part. She asked, explained the situation and he said he was on his way. Why was I so afraid to ask him? Because I was afraid he'd tell me no, to get my own water, reinforcing my belief that I wasn't worthy.
But he didn't. He came. He took care of me because I am special & because he is kind.
I'm moving through new emotional waters here. It's going to be hard to undo 20+ years of negative self-talk, to realize that people (including men) will do nice things for me because they want to & because they like me, not because of what they can get from me in return. I am so grateful, so eternally grateful, that the universe is giving me this gift of growth towards acceptance & healing and that 007 is her chosen tool.
I'm on my way.
Friday, March 13, 2015
Timing is everything...
"Dear Minivan Philosopher,
The right people always find each other at the right time.
Relax,
The Universe"
This message appeared in my email inbox at exactly the right time. I had been dealing with some festering anxiety (R-PTSD symptom flareups) about the upcoming lack of time with 007 due to school schedules and family vacations. I have been so happily spoiled these last six weeks; how was I going to make 10 days without being with him? I tried to stay awake as long as possible last night so I could create a memory map of him to recall when I really started to miss him. The little anxiety voice was getting louder and at 5:15 a.m. it was downright obnoxious. So when the alarm went off and I checked my email, there was that message from the Universe. I said "thank you" and sighed the anxiety out of me. I became calm and peaceful, again.
The old wise men and women all say that timing is everything. And I truly believe it! I don't think I would have been ready for 007 a few years ago or even last year during my cancer treatment (although he would have been a great partner to have by my side). Nor do I think he would have been ready for me before now. Even though we have been attracted to each other since we met and friends before now, we each had to continue on our separate journeys, to make mistakes, to learn and to grow, to forgive and to let go.
We are still navigating our own journeys but they are made a little nicer and a little sweeter because part of our respective journeys now includes each other.
And although ten days will feel like an eternity compared to how much we have been seeing each other, it's not forever. I'm definitely looking forward to the "reunion".
007 is the right person for me at this time. I am thankful. And dear Universe, I am relaxing.
The right people always find each other at the right time.
Relax,
The Universe"
This message appeared in my email inbox at exactly the right time. I had been dealing with some festering anxiety (R-PTSD symptom flareups) about the upcoming lack of time with 007 due to school schedules and family vacations. I have been so happily spoiled these last six weeks; how was I going to make 10 days without being with him? I tried to stay awake as long as possible last night so I could create a memory map of him to recall when I really started to miss him. The little anxiety voice was getting louder and at 5:15 a.m. it was downright obnoxious. So when the alarm went off and I checked my email, there was that message from the Universe. I said "thank you" and sighed the anxiety out of me. I became calm and peaceful, again.
The old wise men and women all say that timing is everything. And I truly believe it! I don't think I would have been ready for 007 a few years ago or even last year during my cancer treatment (although he would have been a great partner to have by my side). Nor do I think he would have been ready for me before now. Even though we have been attracted to each other since we met and friends before now, we each had to continue on our separate journeys, to make mistakes, to learn and to grow, to forgive and to let go.
We are still navigating our own journeys but they are made a little nicer and a little sweeter because part of our respective journeys now includes each other.
And although ten days will feel like an eternity compared to how much we have been seeing each other, it's not forever. I'm definitely looking forward to the "reunion".
007 is the right person for me at this time. I am thankful. And dear Universe, I am relaxing.
Friday, March 6, 2015
Relationship PTSD
Hi. I’m the Minivan Philosopher and I have Relationship PTSD.
Yep that’s what I wrote.
Relationship PTSD (R-PTSD). The
first step towards healing is admitting it.
It started this way…
Thursday, January 22, 2015
What comes next...
I have wanted to write about this for a while now and have been mulling over and over what's the best way to get this across. I don't know if this is it, but what comes next will surprise you...
it will move you to tears....
it will make you jump with joy
it will make you grow taller and become more handsome...
it will make you lose weight...
it will make, it will make, it will make!!!!
I am completely done with those headlines on Facebook and around the internet. You know the ones that say things like "this group of middle schoolers were complete brats but what they did next will shock you" or "this group of snotty, bratty, real housewives of _____ were moved to tears by what will surprise you" or "this poor child who has been suffering from (insert rarest form of cancer you can find) shocks the world by what comes next"... It's the classic 'selfish soul finds redemption and goodness through the actions of others' type of stuff. It's the feel-good story of the century. Every single one.
Yet it all feels so manufactured. So shallow. Right down to how we are supposed to feel and react to whatever we are reading or watching. How could all these impromptu, amateur videos etc have such high quality editors right there to capture the moment from several angles? Is everyone else in the world walking around with a 3-4 camera crew documenting their lives and I'm not? If so, how are they paying for it? Oh , perhaps ever so subtle product placement?
Thankfully I do not have a camera crew, because who would want me to post daily "I was too tired after work to think about what to cook for dinner but what I did next will surprise you!" Or "watch how the Quik Trip crew quickly gave me my change and made my day while they performed a flash mob dance to my favorite song ever on my unsuspecting, quiet and reserved self." Oh puh-lease!!! Enough already.
Unfortunately for me this catchphrase has become just as irritating as when you notice during someone's speech their excessive use of "ums" and then that's all you hear and then you start making hash marks for every time they say it. Yes, I am extremely sensitive to it now. Like nails on a chalkboard sensitive. So much so, that I consciously try to reduce the amount of time I use Facebook or other social media. (Exception! When using it to post this link to tell you about this posting...)
Yet I worry for those who are vulnerable to such messages dictating their reactions, their feelings. I worry that we are manipulating people into not trusting their own feelings and their own guts. If we don't trust them to make up their own minds about what they read or see, they won't either. What happens then? I don't know but what comes next won't surprise me.
it will move you to tears....
it will make you jump with joy
it will make you grow taller and become more handsome...
it will make you lose weight...
it will make, it will make, it will make!!!!
I am completely done with those headlines on Facebook and around the internet. You know the ones that say things like "this group of middle schoolers were complete brats but what they did next will shock you" or "this group of snotty, bratty, real housewives of _____ were moved to tears by what will surprise you" or "this poor child who has been suffering from (insert rarest form of cancer you can find) shocks the world by what comes next"... It's the classic 'selfish soul finds redemption and goodness through the actions of others' type of stuff. It's the feel-good story of the century. Every single one.
Yet it all feels so manufactured. So shallow. Right down to how we are supposed to feel and react to whatever we are reading or watching. How could all these impromptu, amateur videos etc have such high quality editors right there to capture the moment from several angles? Is everyone else in the world walking around with a 3-4 camera crew documenting their lives and I'm not? If so, how are they paying for it? Oh , perhaps ever so subtle product placement?
Thankfully I do not have a camera crew, because who would want me to post daily "I was too tired after work to think about what to cook for dinner but what I did next will surprise you!" Or "watch how the Quik Trip crew quickly gave me my change and made my day while they performed a flash mob dance to my favorite song ever on my unsuspecting, quiet and reserved self." Oh puh-lease!!! Enough already.
Unfortunately for me this catchphrase has become just as irritating as when you notice during someone's speech their excessive use of "ums" and then that's all you hear and then you start making hash marks for every time they say it. Yes, I am extremely sensitive to it now. Like nails on a chalkboard sensitive. So much so, that I consciously try to reduce the amount of time I use Facebook or other social media. (Exception! When using it to post this link to tell you about this posting...)
Yet I worry for those who are vulnerable to such messages dictating their reactions, their feelings. I worry that we are manipulating people into not trusting their own feelings and their own guts. If we don't trust them to make up their own minds about what they read or see, they won't either. What happens then? I don't know but what comes next won't surprise me.
Monday, December 8, 2014
No longer "A Dozen" but "My Dozen".
Hardboiled
Scrambled
Organic
Cracked
Raw
Over Easy
Sunny Side Up
Poached
2003. January. Cold. Big Belly. Pregnant with apprehension. Pregnant with resentment. Pregnant with anxiousness. Just go. Quit making your children cry. Empty heart.
2003. June. Hot. Big Belly. Baby (the Sage) sleeping in my arms. Ladybug & Rockstar by my side holding my hands. Just go. Quit making your children cry. Empty heart.
2003. August. Hot. Just go. Quit making me cry. Empty heart.
Present day. Cold. Windy. Not so big belly anymore. Ladybug living in Portland. Rockstar &
Sage by my side holding my hands. How is my heart?
Hardboiled
Scrambled
Organic
Cracked
Raw
Over Easy
Sunny Side Up
Poached
A dozen years have almost gone by. A dozen to match the number of years I was married.
For a long time, I dwelled on the fact that I have been alone without a significant other during these last 12 years. Yes, I've had 'relationships'. Some have been more heartbreaking than others. Some have been fleeting. Some were good. Some started good. Some ended good. Some did not. I kept thinking there must be something wrong with me. I kept asking the universe why was I still alone? If I'm going to be alone and single the rest of my life, please make it very clear so I can quit hoping. This was the sort of message I had been internalizing or verbalizing when stuck in traffic. But I'm trying to change.
A good friend of mine that I met through shaking meditation once said to me to change my perspective & to change the statements from focusing on what you want less of to what you want more of. For instance, "I want to cuss less" re-worded "I want to have more loving words come from my mouth." "I want to quit being fat," re-worded "I want to be more healthy." Pretty simple.
Today while stuck in traffic, and after a particularly melancholy evening dwelling on my 12 years of aloneness, I thought that perhaps my dwelling on being alone has perpetuated it. I decided to shift my messages from the negative and focus on the positive of being the leader of my own single life.
I have enjoyed personal freedom. I spend my money as I want. I sleep in the middle of my bed. I go where I want when I want. I say yes when it benefits me and no when it doesn't. I have met some of the most amazing people. I have not had to live in a house with someone who did not want to be my partner. My heart is free to love and to be hurt and to love again. I have proven that I can survive. I make my own happy
There have been many more positive things about being single these last 12 years than cons. And I am hopeful that one day there will be someone who will come into my life and continue to add to those positive aspects.
My dozen, when perspectives shift, is a beautiful rainbow of colors, butterflies, and twirling swirls repeating as often as happiness can. Sunny Side Up.
Scrambled
Organic
Cracked
Raw
Over Easy
Sunny Side Up
Poached
2003. January. Cold. Big Belly. Pregnant with apprehension. Pregnant with resentment. Pregnant with anxiousness. Just go. Quit making your children cry. Empty heart.
2003. June. Hot. Big Belly. Baby (the Sage) sleeping in my arms. Ladybug & Rockstar by my side holding my hands. Just go. Quit making your children cry. Empty heart.
2003. August. Hot. Just go. Quit making me cry. Empty heart.
Present day. Cold. Windy. Not so big belly anymore. Ladybug living in Portland. Rockstar &
Sage by my side holding my hands. How is my heart?
Hardboiled
Scrambled
Organic
Cracked
Raw
Over Easy
Sunny Side Up
Poached
A dozen years have almost gone by. A dozen to match the number of years I was married.
For a long time, I dwelled on the fact that I have been alone without a significant other during these last 12 years. Yes, I've had 'relationships'. Some have been more heartbreaking than others. Some have been fleeting. Some were good. Some started good. Some ended good. Some did not. I kept thinking there must be something wrong with me. I kept asking the universe why was I still alone? If I'm going to be alone and single the rest of my life, please make it very clear so I can quit hoping. This was the sort of message I had been internalizing or verbalizing when stuck in traffic. But I'm trying to change.
A good friend of mine that I met through shaking meditation once said to me to change my perspective & to change the statements from focusing on what you want less of to what you want more of. For instance, "I want to cuss less" re-worded "I want to have more loving words come from my mouth." "I want to quit being fat," re-worded "I want to be more healthy." Pretty simple.
Today while stuck in traffic, and after a particularly melancholy evening dwelling on my 12 years of aloneness, I thought that perhaps my dwelling on being alone has perpetuated it. I decided to shift my messages from the negative and focus on the positive of being the leader of my own single life.
I have enjoyed personal freedom. I spend my money as I want. I sleep in the middle of my bed. I go where I want when I want. I say yes when it benefits me and no when it doesn't. I have met some of the most amazing people. I have not had to live in a house with someone who did not want to be my partner. My heart is free to love and to be hurt and to love again. I have proven that I can survive. I make my own happy
There have been many more positive things about being single these last 12 years than cons. And I am hopeful that one day there will be someone who will come into my life and continue to add to those positive aspects.
My dozen, when perspectives shift, is a beautiful rainbow of colors, butterflies, and twirling swirls repeating as often as happiness can. Sunny Side Up.
Monday, September 22, 2014
Why have I been spared?
In the last 8 days, death has impacted me 5 times. I am so humbled to still be walking this great earth. I don't know why. My heart breaks for all the families. I don't understand why this is happening, but am continually being transformed by it. My life will never ever be the same. Sigh.
Monday, September 15, 2014
A fortnight of emotions
What a fortnight this has been!
I had a wonderful visit with my mother and her companion (#teamgary) in Florida. Four days of bliss at the beach watching the waves slow dance with the shore, lounging by the swimming pool, attending a University of Florida football game and sipping rumchata nightly. It was my first trip to Florida without children in nine years. It was soul restoring. It was long overdue.
Initially I started this blog posting out of a need to get on paper all that has happened in the last two weeks. I started writing but it felt too juvenile. So I started editing it, then it felt too restricted and self-censored. I was staring at the screen frustrated at the problems I was having at writing this post. So I walked away and did other things still mulling about which approach would be best, what words should I use and more. And I realized that my frustration was self-induced. No matter what I write or how I write it, I will always think it could have been better. And that self-criticism and self-judgment was impeding my writing today. So I said to just fuck it, write it - whether it rambles, is in bullet points, whatever just get it out.
So here goes.....
I had a wonderful visit with my mother and her companion (#teamgary) in Florida. Four days of bliss at the beach watching the waves slow dance with the shore, lounging by the swimming pool, attending a University of Florida football game and sipping rumchata nightly. It was my first trip to Florida without children in nine years. It was soul restoring. It was long overdue.
Initially I started this blog posting out of a need to get on paper all that has happened in the last two weeks. I started writing but it felt too juvenile. So I started editing it, then it felt too restricted and self-censored. I was staring at the screen frustrated at the problems I was having at writing this post. So I walked away and did other things still mulling about which approach would be best, what words should I use and more. And I realized that my frustration was self-induced. No matter what I write or how I write it, I will always think it could have been better. And that self-criticism and self-judgment was impeding my writing today. So I said to just fuck it, write it - whether it rambles, is in bullet points, whatever just get it out.
So here goes.....
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
I wish I had a river to float away on... (just something I wrote today)
Never in the farthest reaches of my mind did I think I would
be burying my wife before we would have spent years graying and losing our
hair, getting fat and having our joints ache and creak at every move. No I never thought that our time would be cut
short. Never thought I would be a
widower at 48. Never thought I would be this
intimately connected to grief. No I thought we were going to be together
forever. But forever would have been too
short too.
Oh my sweet;
Oh my heart.
The first time I saw her, she was singing. I had finished with some court business and
needed a drink. I didn’t know it was
karaoke night. I had just about walked
out when I heard her sing. It was hauntingly
beautiful; it cut straight to my core and shook it, violently. Her voice upturned my whole world. I walked mesmerized to the bar and never took
my eyes off her. Nor did I take my eyes
off her our whole time together. Even
when I slept, it was her face, her smile, her laugh in my dreams. But the real thrill was opening my eyes to
see her lying next to me, my dream come true. How am I supposed to manage now
only seeing her in my dreams?
I couldn’t believe my luck.
Here, the most beautiful woman in the world let me in hers. She let me love her; she let me make her
laugh; she let me wipe her tears and caress her hair and hold her close. She let me kiss her; she let me make love to
her. She let me listen to her sing. She
let me love beyond what I thought was humanly possible. And we were happy, so happy.
When she was diagnosed with cancer, she looked even more
beautiful to me. We approached the news
with heavy hearts and minds. The doctors
said it was a complicated case. We tried
everything conventional and everything alternative. We flew across the country seeing
specialists, getting IV therapies, seeking second, third, fourth opinions. Many sleepless nights I scoured the internet
for any news, any hope that we would be able to cure this horrible
disease. She was my world, the reason the sky was so
blue and the stars twinkled at night.
I felt helpless as she took the treatments and I watched her
body, at first, rally and fight the cancer.
But the days extended to months
and once we passed the projected one-year mark, we both knew that her body
wouldn’t be able to fight for much longer.
I remember when she told me she was done fighting:
With tears spilling from her eyes, she said she didn’t want
to do any more treatments. She was tired
and couldn’t bear to deal with any more medicine or the side effects. She said that she wanted to use whatever
energy she had to hold my hand and lay in my arms. She said she wanted what days we had left to
be about us and not about doctors and cancer.
She said “I’m absolutely and totally devastated and gutted that I won’t
be around longer. But I’m done being
sick and I’m done being angry. I just
want to be surrounded in your love. Will
you do that for me?” I grabbed her and
pulled her to me, my tears never enough to relieve the sadness inside. “yes, yes” I whispered to her. And we just stood there, holding each
other. I felt if I held on to her, no
one, and especially not cancer, could take her from me. So I stood as tall and strong as I could and
let her pour her heart and soul into mine.
I would carry all that she needed.
I would be her protector.
After she made the decision to end treatment, her body had a
slight rebounding. I naively hoped that
it was a sign that she was getting better and wasn’t actually dying. But about a month later, it was rudely
evident, like a serrated-knife cutting skin rude! Looking back, I’m glad we had that month. We did as much on her bucket list as
possible. She asked me one morning to
take her out again on the bike. She said
she was feeling strong enough to hold on and wanted to enjoy the sensation of
the speed, the wind and the vibration of the bike again. I’m telling you, I took us on the longest,
most beautiful ride ever. I tried to
look at the scenery from her perspective and I think God made the colors that
much more vibrant, and gave the wind a touch of cool. I could feel her smiling behind me and every
so often, she would just give me a little squeeze. I whispered back, I love you too.
I hate this. I hate
remembering! I don’t want this to be
past tense. I want her here. I want to be touching her and holding
her. I want to be kissing her again. I want to see her walk through the front
door. I want to listen to her sing
again. I don’t want to be talking and
thinking about the last time we did this or we did that. I want to wake up from this horrible dream
and see her smiling face lying beside me.
When we made love, time stood still for us. Even on those instances (they were RARE
instances) when I came too quickly, time still stopped for us. Our lovemaking was beyond instinctual; it was
as if our two bodies were made exactly for each other. Everything fit so well from our brains to our
souls to our body parts. I would say
that when we made love, it impacted the universe but I might just be
overcompensating for the fact that she is gone.
But I do know that it changed me, every single time.
The last time we made love, she initiated.
She said “please honey.
Would you make love to me? “
I stammered “won’t it hurt?
I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I don’t think so.
Take it easy and slow, sweetie.
Please.”
“okay.” I hesitated. “ I’m scared though. I might break you.”
“Then dammit, fix things so you won’t break me. Christ, I just want to get laid! Did you forget that I have cancer and I’m dying!?”
I looked at her shocked.
I stammered over my words, “I, sorry, I , oh, uh, gawd, give me a
minute. I’ll be right back”.
I left the room so I could get my shit together.
Bear with me, the
memories are just...
After a few deep breaths, I returned to our bedroom. She was sitting on the edge of the bed with
her back to the door. Her shoulders were
drooped and I could tell she was crying.
She said “I’m sorry, dear. I’m just
scared. I wish I weren’t dying,“ she
paused to catch her breath between sobs, “I only wanted you to make love to me
so I could feel you inside once more. To
have time stop for us.”” She turned to
look at me. Her eyes were swollen from
the tears. Her body was so much thinner than I remembered. Her remaining hair was doing a poor job of
hiding her skull. The scars from her
surgeries, the stretch marks from childbirth and that spot by her heart where
the chemotherapy port used to be, glistened and shimmered in the light from the
windows.
“God you’re beautiful.” I said and walked over to her. I took my time with her. I touched every inch of her body making a
mental map. I held her close and made love to her to last for an eternity. She cried when I entered her. I thought I was hurting her. I asked her if I should stop and she said “no,
please don’t ever stop loving me. Don’t
ever stop.” I replied back that I loved
her more than I could ever show.
Afterwards in our bed, cuddling and talking, she took my hand
and weaved her fingers in and out of mine.
She looked up at me and said, “Darling, I keep thinking I need to tell
you how much I love you and how sorry I am that I got cancer. I keep thinking that I need you to know how
thankful I am to have been your friend, lover, wife and that if I could change
things, I would stay alive forever to be with you.”
I tried to shush her but she continued. “please know all these things. Please know that for everything I have said,
there is so much I didn’t know how to say; that my love for you goes deeper
than the words available to describe it.”
She wiped her tears. “And that there
would never have been enough time. But I
thank you for everything. Everything.” She sobbed through those last words. I can still hear her say it. I can still feel her chest heave with the
tears and the breaths. I can still feel
her body fall into a slumber while I held her.
And I can still feel the sting of my tears.
She didn’t last much longer.
She was surrounded by her family, her children, a few close
friends and me. I was sitting beside her
cradling her in my arms, her children touching & holding her as well. The morphine eased her pain. I told her it was okay to go. That I loved her and I always would. And with her eyes closed & using all the
strength she had left, she squeezed her kids’ hands, took three breaths and
stopped.
And she was gone.
Just like that.
Saturday, August 30, 2014
I hate cancer!!
My friend from my weekly support group is now in hospice care. She is 42. She did everything right. She is simply amazing. Her husband & 2 daughters are so devoted. There is sooo much love there. I can't stop crying. Crying for them & for me too. I hate cancer & what it does to people. I ask every day why did this happen to me? Have I been spared/cured? If so, why? How long do I have? What should I be doing? Why does the body turn on you? Why? Why? Why? It's just a matter of days now. She is in a lot of pain right now. That her pain will be over is a small, very small, comfort.
Is it selfish that I am so thankful it is not me on hospice? I hope though that whenever it is my time, that I carry myself with the grace & courage she has. But I don't want to face that for decades upon decades. Decades.
Sorry. I'm a bit of a mess. Alone in the dark, a mess. My heart is so heavy for them; and then my own emotions for me come crashing like waves on a beach before a hurricane.
Sigh, exhale.
Is it selfish that I am so thankful it is not me on hospice? I hope though that whenever it is my time, that I carry myself with the grace & courage she has. But I don't want to face that for decades upon decades. Decades.
Sorry. I'm a bit of a mess. Alone in the dark, a mess. My heart is so heavy for them; and then my own emotions for me come crashing like waves on a beach before a hurricane.
Sigh, exhale.
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