My friend from my weekly support group is now in hospice care. She is 42. She did everything right. She is simply amazing. Her husband & 2 daughters are so devoted. There is sooo much love there. I can't stop crying. Crying for them & for me too. I hate cancer & what it does to people. I ask every day why did this happen to me? Have I been spared/cured? If so, why? How long do I have? What should I be doing? Why does the body turn on you? Why? Why? Why? It's just a matter of days now. She is in a lot of pain right now. That her pain will be over is a small, very small, comfort.
Is it selfish that I am so thankful it is not me on hospice? I hope though that whenever it is my time, that I carry myself with the grace & courage she has. But I don't want to face that for decades upon decades. Decades.
Sorry. I'm a bit of a mess. Alone in the dark, a mess. My heart is so heavy for them; and then my own emotions for me come crashing like waves on a beach before a hurricane.
Sigh, exhale.
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