25 days left...

25 days until my final disconnect from chemo!  I am beyond excited!!! It's getting so close.  So close, soclose!

However, whoa!  These last two treatments have knocked me out for three days each.  All I want to do is sleep, drink water (room temp or warmer) and suck on Lifesavers Spear-O-Mint candies.  It's the only thing that makes the metal taste in my mouth go away, albeit, temporarily.  I brush my teeth several times a day as well because that gives me some relief too.  I also rinse with Biotene mouthwash as it seems to help with the cotton mouth I've developed these last two treatments.  My hair is still falling out.  And I've got the bags under my eyes again.  But I am not experiencing that debilitating jaw pain or the difficulty swallowing like I had before.  Yes, you should knock on wood on my behalf too.

I do miss getting my acupuncture immediately after being disconnected.  Since the shift in treatment days, I've got to wait until Monday mornings, almost 48 hours later, to get my acupuncture.  I know it works because until I get it done, my hands (fingertips especially) feel swollen and are painful to the touch because of the swelling.  But it goes away after getting treatment... I didn't use to have to deal with the swelling but must manage it for now.

Managing.  That's pretty much all I can do.  The cold weather isn't letting up (even with my offers of virgin sacrifices, mother nature is wielding a cold and fierce attitude this winter - who pissed her off this year and would you please say you are sorry, already!!!).  The groundhog can't catch a break either.

 

 

I am grateful that my chemo clock is winding down.  I know that makes a huge difference in my "chin-up" attitude.  It feels so much more do-able than it did on September 11, 2013. 

 

My oncologist said I will keep my port for another two years and will start receiving CT scans etc. pretty much within four weeks of finishing chemo.  He also said that he has been very aggressive with the chemo because he wants me to be cured of cancer and because I was young and healthy enough to handle/withstand/make it through all the side effects.   Thank god I was young and healthy enough because I can't imagine how it would have gone otherwise!

 

So until the five year mark passes without any recurrence of cancer, my body will be closely monitored.  And I will keep all of you informed too.  Thanks for reading!

Ten! Ten! Ten!

Ten done. Two more.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
More later. Tired.

Eye Candy

Had a wonderful time last night conversing and catching up with a friend I hadn't seen in a year or so.  We laughed, shared stories, & perspectives on life.  He could relate to my anxiety about my hair loss because he had experienced that himself this year when he was taking some medication.  We both have been blessed with thick manes of hair.  He was understanding and complimentary on my current coiffure; he said he likes it short and sassy.  I smiled at him, a lot, and told him I was planning to keep it short and sassy even after chemo is over and my hair starts to grow back.

We talked about relationships.  The state of current ones, past ones and what we want future ones to be like.  He is someone I have always been able to be open with and enjoy talking to.  We have had some interesting conversations at our kids' athletic practices and games. However, this was the first time we had met outside of the athletic realm.  And it was nice.  Very nice.

Funny thing is (and he doesn't know this), I first saw him ten years ago.   He was pitching for our kids' Tee Ball game.  My response was "who is that???" Let me tell you, I thoroughly enjoyed that year's baseball season.  It was nice to have a little eye candy to make Little League baseball more palatable.

I first met him about four or five years ago.  I didn't realize who he was until after a few fun, flirty conversations.  Then my memory was jogged and I was like "that's the Little League Eye Candy Dad!!"  But now he was divorced, single and flirty, oh so flirty.  Yeah!!! I was doing the internal happy dance but cool as a cucumber on the outside. 

So we flirted and chatted for the last four years at our sons' practices and games.  When he wasn't at practice or a game, I would be disappointed - no flirting that day.  And if I weren't there, he always would ask my son "hey, where's your mom?"  Which my son would dutifully report back to me.

But all we've done is flirt and tease for five years!  Perhaps now that our communications have progressed beyond the athletic fields, maybe the friendship will too.  Lord knows, I wouldn't mind a closer, much closer look at this eye candy!  And he's just a super person on top of all that.

However, if we are to remain flirty friends only, that's okay.  We do it quite well.

How do I weed them out?

So I took the Sage's advice and have had a profile up on an internet dating site (and no it's not christianmingle.com).  Of course there has been interest.  A lot. This time when I filled out my profile, I was quick and to the point.  I know from experience in years past, that men don't really respond to the words you've written but more to the pictures you post.  And to have even more fun with it, I posted a few pics of my dog because most of the male profiles included at least one pic of their dog.  And I have gotten positive comments on those pictures too.

The response is incredible.  But more in a quantity not a quality way.  I have also posted my desired age range which 75% of the responders have completely ignored.  I am not ready nor interested in dating 10-15 years above my own age.  I even had a 73 year old send me a wink.  Seriously? (I doubt he was a billionaire b/c he wouldn't be needing an internet dating site to find suitable women.) I thought if I would make a note about my age preferences, those not falling into that category would leave me alone.  I was wrong.  However, I do not bother to reply to their messages or likes or winks or nudges or offers of marriage, because if they can't respect my one simple boundary of 'age preference' what other boundaries of mine will they ignore or dismiss? 

Don't get me wrong.  It's been more entertaining than a bother or a burden.  And who doesn't need something to entertain them when they're connected to a chemo bottle for 3 days out of every 14?  However, that part of my life will be over soon and I am looking forward to "Life After Cancer/Chemo" (or LAC/C if you want to shorten it.) Because as I heal, feel better, and the earth warms up I am going to want to be a social creature again.  And by using the internet dating site, I do expand my search of what's available and on offer.

However, what I haven't been able to figure out is how to weed out the effeminate men and to avoid even going on one date with them.  I have had three such lunch dates and each time, I'm thinking "how does he know he's not gay??"  I know, I know there are straight men who are effeminate but they are not my type.  I need, want, and desire a man. One whose balls are bigger than mine! One who when he looks at me there is such a passion and desire on his face and I can tell he's thinking about what he's going to do to me later versus he really likes my outfit.  I'm a strong woman and I need to be matched with a strong man.  I know that.  But somehow I haven't asked the right questions beforehand or something...

And I don't wish to be rude when we are at lunch or coffee or having a quick drink by blurting out "are you sure you're not gay?"  Fortunately, I have been able to control my chemo brain in those instances.

So what do I ask?  How can I weed them out?  Any and all suggestions are welcome.


1/27/14 Hilarious update: Went to a first date brunch yesterday and yet again, another man who gave me the gay vibes.  This one though wasn't effeminate but he goes to the gym 5 days a week - no other "hobbies", had an earring in one ear and although attractive, it just felt like he was covering up his gayness by going on dates with women.  He was nice but I won't see him again.  So the saga and the search continues... at least it's fun and entertaining (for my readers as well!).

Boys to Men

There was a small pile in the hall outside the Sage's room. I asked him what the pile was for, why was it there? He replied, "To donate to Goodwill, Mom."  I said "Oh that's right, Thursday, yes."

I looked closely at what he was giving away. It was clearly things he didn't need anymore. I got a little choked up when I saw the Spider-man sheets & the Scooby-Doo pillowcases. I don't have any more little boys in the house. Ones who would run & jump from couch to chair or who would fly from room to room with action figures in their hands & superhero capes fastened to their Jammie's. No more little boys asking to watch Shrek or Monster House for the millionth time. Or who would stand atop their red wagon outside belting out Sonia Dada's "lover lover you don't treat me no good no more" because I played it too many times while driving the minivan. No more little boys who were thrilled to receive a balloon for no reason or who collected Yu-Gi-Oh cards or built elaborate cities first with their Thomas the Train sets and then next with their Legos.  No more little boys who instinctually held my hand when walking with me or who didn't think twice about kissing me good night.  And who very innocently declared that I must have been the girl James Blunt was singing about in his song, "You're Beautiful".

No somehow, someway when my head was turned or I was napping on the couch, my little boys grew up. They have bigger beds now to hold their bigger feet. They watch MTV2 & laugh uncontrollably. They Facebook & Twitter & Instagram. They play hard and sing loudly "their songs" not mine.

But even though they're growing up, they still hug me, still talk to me about everything (and I mean EVERYTHING!). They don't hold my hand when crossing the street but they put their arms out to stop me from getting hit by the car "that just appeared out of nowhere." They listen to me as I go through chemo & do what they can to ease my pain or discomfort. We laugh & joke & cry together.  But instead of them only leaning on my shoulders, we lean on each other's.

Yes I am a bit sad that my little boys are gone, but I love the men they are becoming.  And so I move the donation pile to the front door for Thursday. It's okay. It's all okay.