Words, time, opportunities..

What showed up in my newsfeed... how timely & appropriate...
oh how the universe recognizes my struggles...

I think I can... I think I can..

I feel like I've ignored my readers because I haven't blogged lately.  But the tingling and random paralysis in my hands from the freaking chemo treatment has made it difficult to type much less cook, wash dishes, open doors, zip zippers, drive the car etc...  And with the onset of autumn and winter just around the corner it's not going to get any easier.

However... Three things I have done for myself: 1) joined the Missouri Botanical Gardens and have gone to sit in the Climatron just to breathe in all that great oxygen from the living, healing plants; 2) incorporated hot Epsom salt tub soaks to try to pull the chemo toxins out of my body through the skin; and 3) started drinking the "life changing smoothie" each day.  Still too early to tell the results but at least I feel like I'm doing something or in control just a wee tiny bit. (A friend also recommended that I use amber to help keep my hands warm.  She located a place nearby that sells it and I have added it to my list of 'things to do'.)

I am feeling more tired towards the end of the workday than before.  My body just wants to rest.  And the thought of crawling into my warm bed and drifting off to dreamland where there is no chemotherapy, there are no medical bills, no home repairs to make, my Fox isn't a million miles away, and my book is done and sold is so tempting and inviting.  However, the boys have after school and evening activities that they need taxiing to/fro that makes me stay up, stay awake and stay in my reality.

It is what it is right now.  I only have 16 more weeks of treatment.  Just 16, I can make it.  I'll be the little engine that could.  Thanks for riding along with me.

Inhale. Exhale. Chemo #4 update

Let’s see, an update is in order.  I should have known that yesterday was going to be wacky because I started out a little behind on time.  But with my friend Kathy behind the wheel and her ability to multitask and prioritize, we only arrived 5 minutes behind schedule.  Got my usual seat and unloaded all my ‘gear’ – laptop, iPad, plugged in the extension cord so everything could stay charged.  Put my munchies out and my water too.  Got my vitals taken and my blood drawn.  Then I waited until I saw my oncologist.  He asked how I was doing.  I gave him the laundry list of symptoms: neuropathy (the most annoying and irritating), fatigue, muscle weakness and muscle twitching, some paralysis that occurs in my hands around the thumb and pointer finger (usually only on Thursday but this time it started on Wednesday too!), told him how I hated the feeling of my throat being scraped every time I ate or drank anything.  I pretty much told him things that are consistent with my treatment.  He again reiterated that the Oxiliplantin drug (the culprit for most of these side effects) gives me an extra 5% chance at being cured.  So if he takes it away, I’m only going to be at between 93-95% cured.  He said though that I’m the one having to take the chemo so I need to tell him if I get to the point where I can’t deal with the side effects anymore.  Then he said he would look at either reducing the amount or eliminating the oxiliplantin, but “remember it gives you that extra 5%...”

Dread. Pit of Stomach. List for Doctor.

Tomorrow is number 4.  I know I am closer to number 12 than when I started, but I have to be honest, I simply do not look forward to my chemo days (or the few days afterward).  Call me crazy!

And the temps are dropping here in St. Louis so my cold sensitivity is on high alert.  I'm already wearing my leather gloves, scarf and coat! No one else is; I just explain that I'm practicing for when I get to be an eccentric old lady. (My Fox, don't even think about making snarky comments on the 'old' part).  I'm a little ticked that one of my favorite things about winter in St. Louis, the ICE COLD water you can get from the tap, is going to have to be avoided. Argh!!

Anyway, other than the dread in the pit of my stomach, the list of lingering side effects that I must make to share with my oncologist tomorrow, and the thousands of strands of my blonde hair everywhere (no I'm not losing it; it's just 'thinning'), I'm doing the best that I can and am constantly amazed at the resilience inherent in our bodies.  I'm counting on that resilience to see me all the way to the end.
I'm sure I'll post again tomorrow...

Koi No Yokan...

Why I love languages...

Koi No Yokan is Japanese for:

"The sense upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall in love"
(I can tell you exactly where I was, what I was doing, what I was wearing, and what he was doing when koi no yokan happened to me.)

Lots more linguistic treasures in the link above... enjoy.  If you feel like it, come back and put in the comments your favorite word from the article or another word that should be included.

Thanks for stopping by and reading!