A fortnight of emotions

What a fortnight this has been!

I had a wonderful visit with my mother and her companion (#teamgary) in Florida.  Four days of bliss at the beach watching the waves slow dance with the shore, lounging by the swimming pool, attending a University of Florida football game and sipping rumchata nightly.  It was my first trip to Florida without children in nine years.  It was soul restoring.  It was long overdue.

Initially I started this blog posting out of a need to get on paper all that has happened in the last two weeks.  I started writing but it felt too juvenile.  So I started editing it, then it felt too restricted and self-censored.  I was staring at the screen frustrated at the problems I was having at writing this post.  So I walked away and did other things still mulling about which approach would be best, what words should I use and more.  And I realized that my frustration was self-induced.  No matter what I write or how I write it, I will always think it could have been better.  And that self-criticism and self-judgment was impeding my writing today.  So I said to just fuck it, write it - whether it rambles, is in bullet points, whatever just get it out.

So here goes.....

Vacation reading list

Lovers at the chameleon club Paris 1932  by Francine Prose

An unnecessary woman by Rabih Alameddine

Paris by Edward Rutherford

Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut

The first one is finished. Beginning the second. Check back for my thoughts & views.

One year ago I was clueless....

It feels so strange to be here. It seems surreal that one year ago I had NO clue what I was about to be faced with, undergo and overcome. Last year at this time I was nursing a confused, sad heart. I had no idea that my colon was nursing a cancerous tumor. No idea.

It was a little overwhelming for me today as I set out on my usual lake house walk to recall last year's vacation and the innocence I had. I look at the flowers, the farmhouses, the baby chipmunks differently now.  I felt slightly jaded as I walked on feet that still feel stumpy but are improving daily (approximately one millimeter per day). Gone is the feeling of youthful hope and joyful wind breezing through my soul. There is a quiet tentativeness instead. Believe me, I am happy to be alive and to be done with these last twelve months, but I'm just way more emotionally cautious now. Your life can change in a flash. And that flash can feel like forever. And ever. And ever.

I am happy to be here. I've got my stack of library books to read. And, they've got wi-fi here now. (Insert smiley face emoticon). It's just different now. It won't ever be the same. Nor will I.

The one-year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis is ten days away... I'm betting I'll be spending a lot of time remembering this time last year. Pardon me while I retreat into my soul for a few. I'll be back. I promise.

Sky lanterns, s'mores & sunsets

Well readers our vacation ends tomorrow. It has been great. Three & a half books read (make that 4 out of 5 books brought to the lake!), another 1,000 words written, tan lines just shy of sunburns gotten, bottle of vodka polished off, countless spectacular crashes off the donut/kneeboarding/wakeboard & jet ski, new friends made & old ones rekindled. All in all a great week. Our weather couldn't have been any more beautiful either. Hate that it is coming to an end but, alas, it is. *sigh*.

I have an 8 hour drive ahead of me tomorrow, so I best go for now. Hope you enjoyed relaxing with us.
Back to our regularly scheduled programming Monday.
Peace,
~the Philosopher

Just another post

Pic is from a park in Three Rivers & also of the lake... Can you guess which is which?

Some fun is better left for the kids...

Why I thought it was a good idea to go tubing yesterday, I will never know! I'm paying for it today with extremely sore shoulders, triceps & biceps! I think I will stick to driving the jet skis only!

I doubt my boys are sore though from their successful kneeboarding & wake boarding yesterday. So exciting to see them have so much fun.

(I wonder if there is a Amish massage therapist in this town? Ha ha ha)

I'm making lots of little moans and grunts today but not the fun kind...

Serenity

No need for endless descriptions... But it is simply serene here.

Walk continues

It is really frustrating to post from my phone so I split the pictures up. Here are the rest from our walk.
Enjoy.

Take a walk with me

 

The following pictures are things you would see if you went on a walk with me here at the lake house.  It is extremely humid today; we are expecting a little rain later. Perfect conditions to write & relax.
Enjoy the pictures of our walk together.

2-1 bad guys

As we were leaving the Chicago Fire soccer game (which we lost), the Sage says, "Well that was like watching Shakespeare in the Park with all the acting going on."

He makes me laugh. And because of that, I will forgive him for waking me up at 6:30 a.m. to ask when we were going to ride the jet skis. I reminded him gently that I was on vacation & would get up when I got up. He apologized and crept out of my room.

Other than the too early wake up, it is wonderful to be in Sturgis, Michigan with their lakes, their Amish, their inexpensive tasty food & their expensive gasoline. And apparently the town's Internet has improved -we've got 3G!

All right then, time to go swimming.
More updates later.

To go box

Buffalo pork wings & half price sangria make the Philosopher happy on vacation.

F.I.R.E.

Internet is good in Chicago.

Vacation

Dear readers,
The Philosopher, the Rockstar and the Sage (along with the Sage's best friend) are heading off to Chicago and then the lake house for vacation. We will return in a week. Internet service is sketchy at the lake house so postings will be infrequent. I will try though if something hits me that can't wait & the Internet gods comply simultaneously. However, I plan on reading & doing a lot of writing, swimming & jet skiing, long walks & napping. Below are some pictures from prior trips to the lake. You can see why we go every year.
Until next week then,
~the Philosopher

P.S. The link below is another song by Brandi Carlile that I wanted to share... The message is definitely relevant to me. If you haven't added this singer/songwriter to your music library, then do so without haste. I'm bummed that my vacation occurs at the same time as her concert in my lil' hamlet. But I will see her one day. It's on my bucket list. I will be listening to her over & over at the lake imagining  that I am at the concert too.


Hiding My Heart

Walking the Dogs

Why have I spent so many years going around and around this park? I asked myself. Always on the same path. Oh I might change it up and start out going left instead of right but I never really veered from this path. And each time I went for a walk the experience was less and less of a joy and more of a burden. I followed all the others who moved in a circle around the park. All of us moving clockwise or counter-clockwise not thinking about why we are there; we are just doing it. Living in our gray world, walking on the black, marked path. And I hated to take the dogs on a walk with me too. They barked at everyone. They ran back and forth across the path. My shoulders and hands hurt from trying to reel them in and make them walk quietly and peacefully around the park. Not to disrupt the flow of the walkers and runners. My ears rang from the high-pitched bark and my soul hurt from the stares of others who judged me with their questioning looks of “why can’t you keep your dogs quiet?” I hated every moment of those walks. So I began to walk less and less. I left the dogs at home. We just couldn’t conform to the status quo. We couldn’t be ‘good circle walkers’. I couldn’t take the stares anymore. Then the vet said – the dogs NEED exercise. So guilt overtook the shame I felt walking us in the predetermined circle. I laced up my shoes, grabbed the leads, the dogs and took a deep breath.

When the three of us got to the park, I froze. I wouldn't budge. The dogs tugged and tugged on the leads to get moving. But, I didn’t want to walk the circle. I didn’t want to just move around like everyone else anymore. So instead I stepped off the path and extended the lead for the dogs and we trampled through the green space. We investigated the lakes, the underbrush and chased squirrels. We didn’t step on the path once. We went up hills and down trails. The dogs raced back and forth and didn’t bark. They just bounded happily. And then, it hit me. I have spent so many years just going around like everyone else and wondering why I haven’t gotten very far and why it hadn’t been very enjoyable. But I made that one small change to walking the dogs and suddenly the experience was much more enjoyable for all of us (even for those we would not see on the path).

It is time to make each experience mine no matter the form it takes. And when I walk down MY path and follow MY heart, the experience is so much more enjoyable. I'll do it again and again because it is so much fun! Time to take the dogs for a walk!