Waiting to Exhale

I learned today that my daughter, the Ladybug, is smoking cigarettes.  She is 18 so she can legally purchase them and smoke them.  However, I am sincerely disappointed in her.  I thought she knew better.

I used to smoke.  It has been 11 years since I smoked.  I quit each time I got pregnant. I started back up after the first two kids though because my husband smoked too.  However when the Sage was born, my husband and I were separated and I didn't resume smoking.  I didn't want my newborn baby boy to smell the cigarette smoke on my skin when I nursed him.  I didn't want him inhaling second hand smoke.  Didn't think it was fair to him.  It was easier than I expected to not smoke.  There have been a few times in the last 11 years that I have puffed on a cigarette; however the last time was about 7 years ago.  That time when I took a drag it made me physically sick.  I have not had a drag since.

My ex-husband still smokes and so does his wife.  I told Ladybug to reflect on why she started smoking and address that issue instead of continuing to smoke.  I told her I was disappointed in her, that I thought she loved herself more than that to be a smoker.  She said she started smoking last summer and that she liked the buzz it gives her (doesn't everyone, that's why we keep smoking, duh!) and that she would quit eventually but that it wasn't going to be today or tomorrow.  She then said that she believes that you only live once (YOLO in text speak) and she wasn't going to keep herself from experiencing things that are here on earth.  Then she gave me some lame excuse that at least she wasn't smoking crack, drinking or doing heroin.  She also tried to make me feel better by saying her smoking was not proof that I failed as a parent.  I laughed uncomfortably and said this was not about me, but about her choices and how disappointed I am in them.

This was not a fun conversation.  I repeated my plea that she think long and hard about this expensive path of self sabotage she was on and that she make the decision to quit now before it becomes too difficult.  She just looked at me.  I could tell by the look in her eyes that she had checked out of our conversation.  So I stood up and said to her, "well I can tell you no longer care about anything I'm saying."  She said nothing and just looked through me. 

I let her father know.  He is devastated as well.

Sigh, oh Ladybug, I hope you come to your senses before it's too late.