What you need is just a little adjustment...

It's been 30 days since I was disconnected from chemotherapy... and a few of the side effects have waned but the numbness in my fingertips and the balls of my feet along with the electrical spasms in my ankle tendons are still happening.  I did a little research online and some colon cancer survivors report that their chemo side effects peaked at one month, then dissipated; others report that it was 2 months or 3 months.  And one reported that it had not gone away at all and that her fingerprints had also disappeared.  Well I immediately checked out my finger tips and guess what, my prints are disappearing too!  I pray this does not mean the neuropathy is here to stay (pray with me dear readers, pray with me).  I'm continuing my supplements and hope after my PET scan later this month that my oncologist will let me also add the Methyl folate supplement to my regimen.

This morning I saw my chiropractor for my usual acupuncture appointment.  I told her of my continuing side effects and she said she wanted to try something different... she adjusted my back, my neck, my hands... did a little massage on my neck and spine/back and then put the electrical stimulus on my neck and upper back.  Boy that was interesting feeling my right arm and shoulder twitch (a reflex to the stimulus) while the left did not.  She said that the neck area controlled so many of the nerves in the hands that she hoped I would get some relief.  I will see her again in two weeks and said if it's the same, then I want her to put acupuncture needles ALL over my body... make me look like a porcupine for 20 minutes.

Anyway here's hoping I get some improvement because it is so weird typing with no feeling in my fingertips.  Believe me, so weird!

Love, it's what life's about.

Remembering...

365 days ago I couldn't sleep; I packed & rechecked my bags; I looked at the special gifts I had selected just for my Fox (special chocolates like no other in the world, a beautiful blue tie, a USB filled with special songs, cards with my heart written on every spare inch); I was so ready to be back in his arms & feel his kisses. And I was nervous because it was snowing steadily, would my plane even make it out?

Yep that was then. This is now.

In the morning I met realtors at my grandparents' condo. I packed up grandma's crystal serving dishes & candy jars wondering how I'm going to be able to get rid of it all. In the afternoon I put the second coat of paint on the trim in the Sage's room and thought and thought. There's something about the repetitive motion of painting that lets me trip through my memories undisturbed.  And then Fox and I facetimed. I haven't spoken with him in over a month. Although we talked for nearly an hour, I'm always left feeling like there's so much more I wanted to tell him. I'm still disappointed as I wrote in my previous posting, but I don't let it get to me.   Life is too short to dwell.

He said I still make his stomach flip. He said he wished he could be here with me cuddling. I agreed but told him the cuddle would come after a few well-placed & well-deserved smacks on his arms. He laughed. He got the gist.

After lamenting that time & distance had impeded us (& other things/people too I might add), I reminded him that the Universe has her plans & time frames and we never know what's in store. So don't give up hope, someday it could come true. But don't put your life on hold, because again it's too short. Way. Too. Short.

It was nice to see him, hear his voice, watch him toss his head back when laughing and catch the twinkle in his eyes that entranced me right off my barstool and into his arms.

We're both different from when we first met, yet the same too. I like that. The link above recorded how I felt on the anniversary of our meeting... Even with all the ups, downs, sideways and 360degree rotations, there is still a Fox print engraved on my heart & soul. Don't worry dear readers, I'm still moving forward with my life. Just letting the Universe do her thing... and thanking her for the beauty & love that surrounds me even if it's 4199 miles away.

Okay enough of the mushy stuff, here's the latest cancer update:
23 days post chemo... Hair not falling out, actually have wisps of new growth; still get fatigued but been going to Zumba twice/week & trying to move more so my muscles gain strength back; numbness & tingling continue in fingers & balls of feet accompanied by annoying spasms of my ankle tendons... Let's just say WEIRD!!!

PET scan April 23, see oncologist April 29. First port flush on April 7.

Sad news: one of my support group buddies died from pancreatic cancer last week. He fought it for 2.5 years. I hope he was able to get all the family home movies transferred to DVD like he wanted.

Sad news 2.0: met a woman diagnosed jan 2013 w gallbladder cancer. She had surgery, did preventative chemo (adjuvant like I did) & her cancer came back in January 2014 & this time docs have given her 6 months to live. Ugh my heart just breaks for her. She's 42 & has two boys 8 & 10!
I have so many thoughts that race through my mind regarding cancer but it will have to be another post.

And finally sad news 3.0: my former exercise instructor (not Zumba) at the Y was recently diagnosed with leukemia. She is 41, in TOP NOTCH physical shape, has no insurance & two young kids (under 5 years old).... Why oh why oh why?

Did I mention that life is too short?

Hug your loved ones, call those friends on your mind, make & keep lunch/dinner dates, laugh as often as possible, put love first... In other words LIVE while you can.

Peace, love & hugs to all of you my dear readers wherever you are in our Universe.
-the Philosopher

Out of the Fox hole finally...

 

 

 

It is very clear to me where I stand with the Fox. I have distanced myself and he has not noticed at all.  I have finished my chemo treatment and he was the only one of my friends who did not say anything about it.  I asked him for one thing, a playlist, for me to listen to during my 12 treatments of chemotherapy.  He did not deliver.  He had over six months and the only thing he did was send me a link to one song that was going to be on the list.  As I reflect back on our time together, his actions rarely matched his words. (I wrote about this in my post All I Ever Wanted.)

 

I don't miss the emotional rollercoaster that I was on with him.  I don't miss the way he would spin everything to suit him. I don't miss the way he would latch on to personal things I would share with him that he would then use against me at every opportunity to make himself feel superior or to justify his actions.  I don't miss being accused of snogging or shagging every single man who said hello to me.  I don't miss that jealousy. I don't miss his chimp-on-the-loose.

 

I do miss our funny banter and our passion and our intellectual compatibility.  And I do grieve the loss of the fantasy that he promised. But his issues and his problems are too toxic for me.  I am disappointed that he could not be the sort of friend that I had hoped he could be and that I had witnessed during my surgical recovery. 

 

He has his new girlfriend.  They have their plans.  Good for them. He has a BUNCH of baggage and has left holes in quite a few hearts along the way.  But this girl, former "love of his life" has worked hard to patch the holes he left in mine and it is stronger than ever.  That is the most important thing.

All side effects present and accounted for...

Wow, my last chemo treatment really wants to make it memorable!  It seems that 95% of the side effects are in play this go-around.  Two that haven't made an appearance yet are the continuing hair loss and the frog-in-throat issue (makes for very difficult swallowing).  But fatigue, muscle weakness, chemo brain (feel like I'm in la-la land, at least I don't feel angry), super-duper cold sensitivity, numb fingertips, millions of nails stabbing my jaws, stinging tears (I mean the kind that you immediately stop crying because the stinging registers a 10 on the pain scale), and chemo flatulence that can clear a room (thankfully it's just been me and the dog the last few days and I blame it all on him!) are all present and accounted for, reluctantly. 

It would have been nice if number 12 could have been like a long, luxurious massage from a well-tanned, bare-chested, non-English speaking, prime specimen of a man that leaves you breathless for days, even weeks.  But no, instead, it's like a visit from the makers of torture chambers who need to try out their latest pain-maker on an unwilling-but-realize-it's-necessary-to-be-cured victim.

Anyway, I'm simply continuing to incorporate all my 'healing' methods and drinking as much water as possible to flush the Oxiliplantin, the Leucoverin, and the 5-FU from my body.  It's been 7 days since my last infusion and 5 since disconnect and they've been tough.  But, I am done.  So that keeps me focused on recovery and hopeful for the days ahead.

Some very good news that I wanted to share.  Yesterday, I had a follow up colonoscopy because I had experienced some bleeding again.  Yes, talk about freaking the fuck out that day and the days that followed!  I felt like I was going back to the scene of the crime (otherwise known as "diagnosis day").  I was put in the same preparation bay as before and had the same doctor as before. That was the extent of the 'sameness'.  This time I was in a different operating room, (I call it the "good news" room).  And everything came out GREAT!!!  I've got a nice, clean, cancer-free colon, & no hemorrhoids either.  Doctor thinks that the bleeding may have come from the surgical site (where they resected my colon) because it looked a little inflamed, said it wasn't anything to worry about. She wants me to have another one in six months.  We were both very pleased with the outcome of this colonoscopy.  Very.

I have a follow-up PET scan on May 22 and a follow-up visit with my oncologist May 29.  Feeling pretty good at my chances.  Looking forward to being able to call myself a 'cancer survivor'...

One of the beautiful bouquets I received on my last chemo day

C'est Fini!

It's done.  My final chemo treatment.  No more.  Can't explain the overwhelming sense of relief to finally be here.  I never want to go back, ever!

Just resting and dealing with side effects.

But I'm done.  I made it.  Dance a little jig for me.