That story has ended.

Just when I was worried that my life was going to become even more complicated, poof just like that, the Universe provides.

He dropped by unannounced yesterday.  He told me he had signed his divorce papers; that he had driven by my house every day for the last two weeks (never stopping or calling though); that he thought about me every day and wondered how I was doing; that he knew he had screwed up by not acknowledging my cancer; that he thought I had a new boyfriend when he saw a white truck in my driveway (uh that would be my ex's truck) that he cared about me so much; that he was there for me; and that he was scared. He held me close.  He kissed me.  I told him that I didn't know what to think anymore; that I have cancer and I will be going through chemotherapy and that I don't want to be with someone who isn't 'there for me'.  He said he was glad to see me and see that I was doing well.  He said he would call me today to tell me how it all went with the judge when they submitted their settlement to the courts.  I said okay, good luck.

I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away...

This song is one of my favorites.  It is hauntingly beautiful and timely. I posted a link to this song from youtube in an earlier post; you may have missed it. 

 

But just like with any poetry, some lyrics are relevant and others are not.  Yours to guess which ones hit home.

 

 

Hiding My Heart by Brandi Carlile

Breath of fresh air

It's amazing what an hour-long conversation with my Ladybug can do for my soul.  She had just finished her very first college English course.  She texted me about it and I had to pick up the phone to hear her voice.  She's lucky I didn't FaceTime her right there in the quad.  Anyway, she is doing so well.  Loves her roommate.  Is adjusting (slowly) to the Mississippi heat.  And has met four other students from our region! Go figure!

In one month....

I was diagnosed with cancer.
My grandfather died; I handled all the funeral arrangements in between doctor's appointments.
I had a CT scan, two blood tests, an MRI, and a PET scan.
I learned to love Ambien.
I had a nine-hour surgery to remove more of my colon than originally anticipated, my right ovary and to stop the leaking non-cancerous cyst.
I had an 8-day hospital stay, experienced what it truly means to be invisible.
And my Ladybug left for college leaving a huge hole in my soul.
That's a lot for any sane person much less me.

I received good advice today from a friend who lost her husband to cancer.

No place like home

I'm home. Happily relieved to be here. No more blood to give. No more complimentary "waxings" to receive when they rip the tape off my skin. No more bruises from shots. No more feeling like emotional sandpaper. No more green hospital gowns that wear on me like a tent. Nope, no more.

My sanity savers were my children, my family &  friends, my Fox, and Brandi Carlile's music. Without them, I wouldn't have made it through my 8 days post surgery hospitalization. And there could have very well been a prison sentence for me afterwards with the number of 'care partners' I wanted to kill. But I didn't and there isn't because of my sanity savers.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I will never forget.

Now I wait for post op visits, pathology reports & chemotherapy strategy. I'm okay with all that, because I am home.