My Journey, His Journey, Your Journey, Our Journey

And I'm not talking about the band Journey although the title of this blog post could easily be on a flyer for any karaoke bar here in St. Louis...

No I'm talking about that path we all march on from birth to death... our journey.

Sometimes it crosses others, sometimes it merges, sometimes it veers right when others go left.  The only consistent part is that you are still on it, on your path.  Only you can walk it, dance it, run it, drive it.  Sometimes we want to keep our journeys merged with other people's because it is more fun, more interesting, we love them or we are afraid to be alone on our own journey.  But what do you do, how do you cope when the paths diverge and you weren't ready yet?  Or you thought you weren't ready?

TRUST.  Yep that little word.  You must surrender to trust in your path. Sure, you can be sad that you won't be walking, dancing or running together anymore.  Please, shed some tears too.  Those are all good and necessary to healing and to seeing your way clearly on your own path again.  Try your best to fight the urge to analyze under a microscope every step you made while on the merged path.  Try your best to not be angry at your fellow sojourner who took the fork in the road which was only evident on his/her map.  If you can allow yourself to trust that you are walking down the path exactly as it is supposed to be, you can look forward to all that you are about to encounter, and you can be grateful for all that you have already walked.  Sometimes your paths will cross again or merge again and then that section of your journey(s) is even better than the first time.  But sometimes they do not ever come into contact again, and you have to trust that that was just how it was meant to be.

I walk mine.  You walk yours.  Sometimes we walk it together.

Until our paths cross again, god speed...

-the Philosopher

True Love - A Practice

I was introduced to the book True Love: A Practice for Awakening the Heart by Thich Nhat Hanh on the website www.brainpickings.org

(In fact, I have been introduced to quite a lot via that website.  If you are interested in expanding your intellectual capacity I highly recommend giving her a visit.)

Anyway, my interest was piqued reading her essay about this book and I rushed to the public library website and promptly reserved me a copy.  I have renewed it twice already.  It's a short book, 104 pages.  Written very simply but worth reading and re-reading.  I think I will end up just buying my own copy.  I can only renew it one more time before I have to return it.  I wanted to share with you my readers an extremely brief synopsis of the four aspects of love as described in the book.  For a much more in depth and beautifully written essay, go to brainpickings and read hers.

Here is my summary...

According to Buddhism, there are four aspects of true love:

1) Maitri meaning loving-kindness or benevolence.  It's the desire AND the ability to bring joy and happiness to the person you love.  "Because even if your intention is to love this person, your love might make him or her suffer."

2) Karuna meaning compassion.  This is the desire AND the ability to ease the pain of another person. 

To bring joy and compassion you must practice "deep-looking" or searching for understanding of your love.  Because when you know and understand his or her aspirations and his or her sufferings, you can bring joy and ease pain.  How often do we actually practice "deep-looking" with the people we love (including our family and friends)?

3) Mudita meaning joy.  "If there is no joy in love, it is not true love.  If you are suffering all the time, if you cry all the time, and if you make the person you love cry, this is not really love -- it is even the opposite.  If there is no joy in your love, you can be sure it is not true love."

and

4) Upeksha meaning equanimity or freedom.  "In true love, you attain freedom.  When you love, you bring freedom to the person you love.  If the opposite is true, it is not true love.  You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free, not only outside but also inside.  'Dear one, do you have enough space in your heart and all around you?'  This is an intelligent question for testing out whether your love is something real."

Hanh goes on to say that to love in the context of buddhism is to be there. To bring your true presence to your loved one, not only your body but your mind too.  He suggests this mantra to say to help you stay truly present, "Dear one, I am really here for you." 

I had several ah-ha moments while reading True Love.  And each time I re-read a passage or paragraph or dwell on a definition, I gain more insight into what was preventing earlier relationships from being true love.  I am definitely more at peace in my current relationship with 007 than earlier ones (especially Mike and my fox).  I am practicing deep-looking and being present.  I am learning what it feels like to love according to Buddha.  It is different, scary at times but there is no suffering like before.  I like that.  I will continue practicing true love and awakening my heart to it.

Thanks for stopping by and I hope you have true love already.  If not, may you find each other and enjoy it for the rest of your days.

"Dear one, I am here for you."
~The Philosopher

Relationship PTSD

Hi. I’m the Minivan Philosopher and I have Relationship PTSD. 

Yep that’s what I wrote.  Relationship PTSD (R-PTSD).  The first step towards healing is admitting it.

 Most people suffer from R-PTSD but they call it ‘baggage’ or ‘issues’ or ‘acting crazy’.  When it is in actuality all of those things wrapped up together that form R-PTSD.  (Appropriately the acronym reads Re-PeaTing Stupid Dynamics.  Lord knows I repeated enough stupid dynamics in my relationships.)

 Why did I coin this term?  What is happening in my life that brought it to the forefront?  Am I in a difficult relationship? No. There is no relationship chaos.  It’s going just fine. And I’ve realized because of the absence of chaos, my baggage, my issues, my R-PTSD tendencies are flaring up and have nowhere to go except to sit right in front of my face making me name them and process through them. I am very uncomfortable.  It’s as if the tendencies or habits want me to give life to them, bring them out of the dark, damp place they’ve been resting since the end of my last relationship so they can assume their rightful and normal place in this new relationship.  This is the first time in my life though that I can see those tendencies with clarity and more insight than ever before.  I don’t want them to intrude upon my happiness or peacefulness.  But I can’t ignore them.  That is more dangerous.   If ignored, they will manifest in different ways and probably be very ugly too.  Nope, I must look each of them in the face as they stir to life and acknowledge where they came from, the hurt that created them and free them of feeling that they must protect me.  I need to forgive.  Forgive those that came before and forgive myself.

It started this way…

S-P-L-A-T!!! Part one...

Readers,
I wasn't sure how to start this posting... what a two week period!  I was so excited that I thought I had found the magical formula for my chemo recovery.  I didn't get my acupuncture until a week after my chemo dose and my hands/feet were really in pain this time.  I informed my acupuncturist that she could take no more vacations until after I am finished with treatment.

There's so much to say that I'll try to hit bullet points:
1) Removed any remaining links to Mike when I switched phone/cable companies.  And saving $1,000/year in the process.  That made me happy. 
2) Got a call on a Saturday from Slucare complaining that I had let my bill get out of hand and I wasn't paying them enough.  I was so angry at them.  I told them they charged too much and reminded them that I write a check each time I go to chemo.  They said "yeah but it's not enough and that they can't guarantee that it won't go to collections."  I told them I wasn't paying any more than I already was and if they wanted me to survive chemo to quit adding stress to my life.

3) Sent letter to my Fox telling him I needed a break. 

That story has ended.

Just when I was worried that my life was going to become even more complicated, poof just like that, the Universe provides.

He dropped by unannounced yesterday.  He told me he had signed his divorce papers; that he had driven by my house every day for the last two weeks (never stopping or calling though); that he thought about me every day and wondered how I was doing; that he knew he had screwed up by not acknowledging my cancer; that he thought I had a new boyfriend when he saw a white truck in my driveway (uh that would be my ex's truck) that he cared about me so much; that he was there for me; and that he was scared. He held me close.  He kissed me.  I told him that I didn't know what to think anymore; that I have cancer and I will be going through chemotherapy and that I don't want to be with someone who isn't 'there for me'.  He said he was glad to see me and see that I was doing well.  He said he would call me today to tell me how it all went with the judge when they submitted their settlement to the courts.  I said okay, good luck.

From the E to the I to the P

This post might ramble a little bit dear readers.  Please bear with me though...

I've been thinking a lot about why the Before Sunrise/Sunset/Midnight movie trilogy ranks as one of my favorites of all time (Aside... Before Midnight opens tomorrow in my town!  I must see it and soon!)  I believe it's because the connection between these characters occurs on multiple levels.  They connect emotionally and intellectually as well as physically.  But they are also not without faults - faults the other partner must learn to accept because it is part of who they love.  I believe I am drawn to this movie because this is how I see want my relationships to be.  I have to connect the E-I-P dots or its not going to work out between us.  For regular readers you know that those dots made a brilliant-shooting-star-covered-in-gold-dust connection for me and My Fox and before that with Mike.  There have been others who have floated in and out in my last ten years as a single person but they either only had the E or the P or maybe just the I but not all three.  Only my Fox and Mike have hit all three.  And since I have had that with them, I hold out for that again.  I look for it.  If it's not there then there's no use in pursuing anything further.  

I did try recently to ignore my E-I-P criteria when accepting the invitation for a dinner date.  It was a lovely meal and the conversation was good.  401K man (that is his nickname) was very nice.  He is recently divorced and well-educated and has a good heart.  But something nagged at me during the dinner and the dancing afterwards, like it wasn't a completely good fit between us.  I reflected on our interactions trying to figure out what was missing.  He asked me out again a few more times and I accepted because I thought "here is an extremely nice man, let me give it another chance; maybe I'm just being shallow."  401K did nothing wrong.  He said all the right things, texted me at the right times, took me to nice restaurants and brought me flowers.  After the third date, I revealed to him that I was getting over a broken heart and that I wasn't ready to open my heart (or my legs) to anyone at this time.  He seemed to be very understanding.  He even asked me to lunch another time after my broken heart revelation.  I reminded him at lunch that I just wasn't in a place to date seriously; that I was especially cautious of getting close to anyone.  And I apologized.  I have not heard from him since and I am okay with that.  401K and I could talk but we didn't connect on the E nor the P levels.  And my subconscious does not allow me to ignore levels nor to disregard the importance of those levels to me. 

I dated another man several years ago between Mike vers 1.0 and 2.0; I call him the Chef.  The Chef was a great boyfriend.  Even though we connected on the E & the P we did not on the I.  This was evident early on in our relationship and I knew that the Chef was not going to be a long-term boyfriend for me.  We had a great summer but when he wanted to introduce me to his children, I told him that I couldn’t do that.  I ended our relationship then because I didn’t want to hurt his kids along with hurting him when I moved on and I knew I would be moving on because we were not matched intellectually and that would always be a strike against him.  (that’s one hell of a run-on sentence for such a bright girl!)

There were a few more but I’m not going to go into all of the examples or reasons for each one.  Suffice it to say they did not hit the E-I-P hat trick with me.

Mike and My Fox both hit the hat trick which makes their absence from my life harder but it also holds the standard for any future relationship.

I want to be able to always talk to my partner, to find him fascinating and intriguing and funny and Intellectually compatible with me.  I want to be able to share my Emotions, be vulnerable in my heart and soul knowing my partner is holding it all gently and cradling them in his own heart and soul and vice versa.  I want to always have the passion to kiss my partner deeply, to be flirty and to be sexually compatible in our desires, fantasies, kinks and explorations.  Physically, we just have to fit. 

So my quest for the E-I-P continues.  I’m grateful that I know what I’m looking for and am no longer just flapping in the wind.  Until all the pieces come together, you can find me at the movies reveling in two characters whose pieces fit and fit well. 

Readers, feel free to share your own examples of when it worked and/or didn’t work for you. 

Dating Advice

So my youngest, the Sage, queried me about my dating plans since my relationship with my Fox has been stilled.  We were standing in the kitchen and the conversation went like this:

The Sage, making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich as a typical 9 year old boy does when he comes inside from playing 1-on-1 basketball against his stronger, faster, and more competitive older brother says, "So, Mom if the Fox doesn't come back in your life, which I hope he does don't get me wrong, what are you going to do?"

I, shrugging my shoulders and putting my purse and other work bags down on the kitchen table while reviewing the day's mail, reply, "I don't know.  Something, I guess."

"You should try match.com." He says with an encouraging nod while pointing the peanut butter knife towards me for emphasis.

Looking up at him and hoping the peanut butter does not fall off the knife to the two eagerly waiting and hopeful canines replied, "I'm not going to try internet dating again. It's too much work and effort."

"Really? Too much work?  You know, Mom, every Thursday night you put your make up on and get dressed to go out.  How much more work is match.com?"  he answered back.

I just laughed at him and exited the kitchen.

Such a sweet son thinking of my future and offering his suggestions on how I could meet someone sans my Fox in my life.  And I love his equating my putting on make up to go out on Thursday nights to be just as hard work as internet dating.  We all know that putting make up on is WAY MORE difficult than internet dating!

Seriously though, I have tried the internet dating thing before and it requires more effort than I wish to put forth in finding a partner, right now.  I have met some neat men with whom I have remained friends and I have had some interesting, funny encounters too. But it is a lot of work and until I wish to put forth that effort, I won't put up a dating profile.  No need to mislead or frustrate those who ARE putting in that effort.

Instead I will just have to see what the Universe brings to me.  She brought me Mike and she brought me my Fox.   I like her taste in men.  I will wait.  And do the "hard work" of putting my make up on every Thursday to go out.

Almost Lover

Sometimes I don’t know what is expected of me.  Or what I should do?  How is it that two times now I have loved men who say they can’t give me what I need right now?  But that in the future they can?  How is it that they want to walk away from me and come get me later? 

 

Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life? – A Fine Frenzy, Almost Lover

Is it all an illusion?  Is it all a heartless trick?  How can it seem that, over and over, I am left alone?  I wish I knew the answers.  I wish I could be told to “hold on for another six months and you’ll find that it will all work out for you.”  And I wish I would believe it if I were told that.

One morning I was driving along Kingshighway and had stopped at the red light at Chippewa.  I noticed and watched a middle-aged couple (I assumed they were a couple by the way they were standing close to each other and walking.  I assumed they were somewhere between 30 and 50 based on the way their skin looked.  I do not know for a fact that they were a couple but by all outward appearances and behaviors it registered in my brain as though they were.)

I watched this man and woman venture into the crosswalk.  He was pushing the shopping cart which appeared to have their belongings in it and she was walking next to it.  She did not look healthy.  It could have been from years of drug and/or alcohol abuse.  But who really knows?  They crossed the street and the man kept his focus on making sure she got across safely.  Once across, they walked to the Jack in the Box parking lot.  The man tenderly took the woman’s hand and led her to a bench and put the cart next to her.  It appeared he was telling her to stay right there as he was going to go inside.  She nodded her head and he went inside. 

My light turned green and I had to continue my journey north on Kingshighway.  I finished their story in my mind.  He went inside and took what little money he could spare and bought her a meal.  He didn’t have enough for both of them but he didn’t care because he knew she’d offer him a bite or two of the burger, some of the fries and of course a few swallows of the soda.  They sat on the bench outside with the sun’s warmth on their faces eating their meal enjoying the fleeting moments of relaxation before they needed to continue walking to find a place to sleep for the night.  And when they got up to go, he held his hand out to her, she clasped it and they continued up the hill together.

I was touched by the scene I witnessed and more touched by the finished story in my mind.  But what hit me most was that here were two people who by all material ‘standards’ were not doing well but yet they still had each other.  They had love.  They had companionship.  They had each other.  She had someone who cared for her, who wanted to make sure she was all right.  And I was envious.  I cried out, frustrated, to the Universe and said “even the homeless people have partners!” 

It seems unfair at times that no matter what I do, say, look like or how high I jump, I still sleep alone.  I push my own shopping cart across the street.  I eat alone and enjoy the sun’s radiance alone.  And when I get soooo close to the reality of being loved again by another person (another adult that is), it seems to dissolve right before my eyes.  And I’m left shaking my head wondering what is the matter with me?

I have a male friend whom I have watched have several girlfriends since his divorce.  His latest one has thrown my confusion about relationships into an even bigger spin.  He met Girlfriend B after breaking up with Girlfriend A.  Girlfriend A seemed to restrict her time with him to when neither of them had their children.  Girlfriend B came along and within weeks of meeting him took his spare key and after the fact said, “I hope you don’t mind.” And then she started to stay at his house a few days a week, then a few weeks a month and then she was never gone.  When he told me this, I was floored.  How was this even acceptable?  He told me that Girlfriend B didn’t have a place of her own right now and was tired of living with her mom.  That was a year ago.  She is still there.  They have updated their Facebook statuses to reflect being “in a relationship”. 

When I see them, I shake my head internally because I can’t believe my friend just let her move in and take over his life.  I know that part of my disappointment is that he and I no longer get to talk like we used to.  He was a good friend and I miss him.  But there’s nothing I can do because those are his choices.  I also couldn’t imagine how a woman could feel good about herself when she was using a man like that.  But in the end, she got what she wanted.

I have a job that supports my three children and me.  I have a home.  I have friends.  I am in control and independent because I have had to for survival. I am not a basket case or homeless.  But my heart aches and I sleep alone.

Basket case… yes, the first man to whom I gave my heart, years after my ex-husband left, chose to remain married to his basket case, alcoholic wife.  He resurfaced about a year later and said that this time he was going to go through with the divorce.  I wanted to believe him.  I did for a while.  I had even let myself dream of our life together, post his divorce.  Yet it became ever more apparent that he wouldn’t be able to go through with it.  He fell for every manipulative trick she employed.  The basket case and alcoholic who can’t keep a job and has minimal friends will remain partnered and will have a companion who will take care of her.  She got what she wanted.

And yet, I believed that surely someone must love me.  If the homeless people can be a couple, if my friend can be a couple with the girl who moved in, if the basket case/alcoholic & the first man who took my heart post my divorce can remain a couple, surely there’s got to be someone for me.

And then I thought it had happened for me, for real, this time.

And it is good and it is beautiful and it is magical.  And it has its challenges.  And it has been growing and morphing and solidifying. 

And I dream of our life together.  I talk about him with my friends.  I am genuinely excited about him and in love with him.  I am willing to be exclusive with him.  To take that step of showing my commitment to developing our relationship, that I’m not keeping “one eye open” for someone else to come along.  That I’m ready to be a couple in the crazy challenged situation that we are in…

And he says, “I’m sorry I can’t be the BF you want right now.  I need to sort out my life like we discussed and then track you down.”

So again, whatever it is about me, is not enough to have someone want to be with me and to share his life with me through whatever those challenges are, to get to the point where there are no obstacles and it’s just us.  It seems that the prospect of living without me isn’t all that heartbreaking.

Somehow I missed the lecture on being a homeless, manipulative basket case/alcoholic, who just moves her stuff in… and therefore, I sleep alone.

Cramped space, crammed words

I ran to my room and grabbed my journal. I had to write down my feelings and thoughts regarding Mike again. He had called to say goodbye, that he couldn't do it any more. I wanted to record my pain, yet again. And I flipped through the pages, pen in hand ready to write, when I got all the way to the end of the journal and I had less than 1/4 page available for ALL my thoughts! I sat there shocked because how could I possibly put everything I was feeling down in such a small space? I didn't have another journal available and I really didn't want to continue this story into a new, fresh one. So I thought and thought and finally wrote: "he called, he can't do it anymore. He said goodbye" There was no room left for me to write my endless speculations about whether he will come back to me for the fourth time. There was no room left for me to moan and complain about my "situation." The journal was done. It had run out of pages. No more am I to write about this, it seemed. This journal has patiently recorded and held for me the last 8 years of heartaches, betrayals, hurts, longings, tears, frustrations and epiphanies. It is now time for a new journal and a new journey to start for me. If Mike comes back again, it can only be as a single, divorced man because there is no room for the old re-hashed story of loving me and leaving me in my new journal and my new life.

If feels good to close the old one, lock it up and put it away. It feels good to move past all those hurts and heartaches that continually wove itself through the journal's pages. It feels good to look at a fresh blank page. I am not naive; I know there will be some hurts and more as I continue on my journey but the weight of the last 8 years has been lifted with the last entry on the page: "Thank you for being in my life. I love you and I will miss you. I wish you peace."

Tuesdays with Mike

Tuesdays seem to be the day you make decisions. What happens to prompt you to make them on Tuesdays? You told me in June (on a Tuesday) that you wanted to give her one more chance. So we cooled off and you went incommunicado for months. However, you called my voicemail to hear my voice and drove by my house to check on me. Then you contacted me again in September and said you couldn't live with the instability in your life anymore. So you proceeded with your divorce. Then in October you cancelled it and saw me on a Tuesday to tell me why. You said you were confused and you felt you needed to give her one more chance. I asked how many "one more chances" did she get? So we say goodbye. I am hurt. I am angry. But I believe in my heart you will be back. And you do, you come back one week later. I am cautious but happy to see you, talk to you, hear your voice and touch you. Everything feels right as if it is supposed to be this way - you and me together. I was happy to take baby steps with you if that meant we would be together. You changed your work location to be closer to me. She continued to drink. You continued to be faced with upheaval in your life. I tried to be constant. I tried to bring you joy and smiles. It seemed like it was working. Then Tuesday, one week ago, you called and said you can't do this anymore. That you have to figure out your life. That you want to be open and honest in your relationships and that you love her and have feelings for me and you just can't do it anymore. That you don't want to hurt me anymore. So you said goodbye to me. I was not surprised. I was somewhat relieved because I kept waiting for the day when you would say goodbye again and disappear again. I was sad because I do love you and us together. I hope that when your marriage is over, you try to reach out to me. That you try to see where I am. You said to me that if we are meant to be together, it will happen. I would like to believe that too, but as long as you continue to give her one more chance, you prevent what was "meant to be".

I shrug my shoulders and sigh. I know you are thinking about me and that you will think about me everyday as I you. But I will not contact you anymore. I am moving on and if we are "meant to be", I hope the universe makes it happen in this lifetime and not the next. And preferably not on a Tuesday.

October is the cruellest month

T.S. Eliot says that April is the cruellest month but for me it would have to be October. April is the month that celebrates the birth of two of my children. Their joyfulness, laughter, compassion and kindness makes the transition from winter to spring the least bit cruel.

October seems to hurt me every year. October is cruel because my relationships seem to end then. My ex filed for divorce in October. The last time I spoke to my grandmother before she died was October 30, 2008. Last year, the man I was seeing ended our relationship in October saying he just wanted to be friends. And this breakup was after he had broken up with me earlier, said he wanted to give it another go and then BAM! over. And then today, the current man (about whom I'm not ready to write any blog posts) ends our relationship. And this too after he wanted to give it another go.

Two things I've learned: 1) Never ever 'give it another go' with a man. One break up is enough in any relationship. And 2) Skip October. Seems like it is just too cruel for me and my relationships.