Congratulations! You've been promoted to ...

“No, no go on. I don’t need you.”

“Are you sure? You don’t need me to walk you to your classroom” I asked my youngest as we stood outside the school office. He waved me off and said “No, go. I’m good.” “Okay” I said and turned slowly and in shock towards the front door. I didn’t even watch him walk to his classroom. He had made it clear that he did not need me. With every step towards the door, I felt the air leaking out of my familiar mommy balloon. Should I be happy that he doesn’t need me at the same time that I’m sad he doesn’t need me? What does this say about me as a mother?

I slid into the driver’s seat of the minivan and thought how my role was changing relative to all my kids. My previous clearly-defined role as mother, provider, protector of my children was warping and changing. I didn’t know how to act. When you are younger and in school, you have to learn and to master certain aptitudes and then you get promoted to the next grade level. You know what is expected of you in the next grade; you hear from those who have gone before what to expect; your path and role as a student is clearly defined.

But it’s not as clear when you are a parent. I remember when my teenage daughter turned 1 year old. I marveled at her as she worked on walking from point A to point B; as she picked up toys and put them in her mouth; and as she giggled when the dog ran by her. I had done a pretty good job keeping her alive, I thought. Then it hit me, oh my god, I am responsible for her brain too! I had spent her first year keeping her fed, dry, happy and that was the easy part. I was comfortable with that role. But on that day I realized that her intellectual and her emotional development as well as her memories sit squarely on my shoulders. I looked around for my Parental Report Card to double check that I had been ‘promoted’ to the next level. I couldn’t find it but I knew it was there.

So I embraced that new role of the mother of a toddler and then a pre-schooler. Then along came her little brother. Ah ha, I thought – back to what I’m familiar with and have already proven capable in. I know this. I can do this.

This was normal, commonplace territory for me – a baby, a toddler, a pre-schooler. I even managed to navigate having an elementary school student. They still needed me to help them, guide them. Why did I think it would go on like this forever? When my youngest was born, his brother was a pre-schooler and his sister in elementary school. I knew how they needed me. I knew what to do. But now, I have no baby only school-agers and a teenager. I feel lost. A huge part of my life, what I did with my time for the last 14 years is over. Again, I looked around for my Parental Report Card to see just when, exactly, had I been promoted to the next level, and I couldn’t find it. But I knew that whether I liked it or not, my role, my involvement, my importance to my children was changing. They didn’t need me to hold their hands and walk them to their classrooms any longer. They didn’t consider though that perhaps I still needed it.