Lovers at the chameleon club Paris 1932 by Francine Prose
An unnecessary woman by Rabih Alameddine
Paris by Edward Rutherford
Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut
The first one is finished. Beginning the second. Check back for my thoughts & views.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Sunday, July 6, 2014
One year ago I was clueless....
It feels so strange to be here. It seems surreal that one year ago I had NO clue what I was about to be faced with, undergo and overcome. Last year at this time I was nursing a confused, sad heart. I had no idea that my colon was nursing a cancerous tumor. No idea.
It was a little overwhelming for me today as I set out on my usual lake house walk to recall last year's vacation and the innocence I had. I look at the flowers, the farmhouses, the baby chipmunks differently now. I felt slightly jaded as I walked on feet that still feel stumpy but are improving daily (approximately one millimeter per day). Gone is the feeling of youthful hope and joyful wind breezing through my soul. There is a quiet tentativeness instead. Believe me, I am happy to be alive and to be done with these last twelve months, but I'm just way more emotionally cautious now. Your life can change in a flash. And that flash can feel like forever. And ever. And ever.
I am happy to be here. I've got my stack of library books to read. And, they've got wi-fi here now. (Insert smiley face emoticon). It's just different now. It won't ever be the same. Nor will I.
The one-year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis is ten days away... I'm betting I'll be spending a lot of time remembering this time last year. Pardon me while I retreat into my soul for a few. I'll be back. I promise.
It was a little overwhelming for me today as I set out on my usual lake house walk to recall last year's vacation and the innocence I had. I look at the flowers, the farmhouses, the baby chipmunks differently now. I felt slightly jaded as I walked on feet that still feel stumpy but are improving daily (approximately one millimeter per day). Gone is the feeling of youthful hope and joyful wind breezing through my soul. There is a quiet tentativeness instead. Believe me, I am happy to be alive and to be done with these last twelve months, but I'm just way more emotionally cautious now. Your life can change in a flash. And that flash can feel like forever. And ever. And ever.
I am happy to be here. I've got my stack of library books to read. And, they've got wi-fi here now. (Insert smiley face emoticon). It's just different now. It won't ever be the same. Nor will I.
The one-year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis is ten days away... I'm betting I'll be spending a lot of time remembering this time last year. Pardon me while I retreat into my soul for a few. I'll be back. I promise.
Friday, June 6, 2014
Glass Houses
there is a girl
she called me a whore
and
old;
I smiled
and
asked
when did you find time
to get off your back?
she called me a whore
and
old;
I smiled
and
asked
when did you find time
to get off your back?
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Sparky 2006-2014
The first time I saw him I knew he would become a part of our family. I was sitting in the minivan with the kids just after church and I spotted two young beagle/lab(?) mix puppies sauntering back and forth across the street having so much fun. I could almost hear their laughter from the smiles across their faces.
The children and I worked with another family to corral the two dogs and put them in their backyard. We fell in love with both dogs immediately but I knew I wouldn't have the stamina to have two puppies. We left both dogs with the other family for our weekend trip to my brother's place in Oklahoma. When we came back, the other family asked if we wanted one of the puppies. We jumped at the chance and crossed our fingers that we could have the one they had named Sparky. We brought him home that hot August day in 2006. We were all thrilled. I was thinking I must be crazy to take on a dog along with raising three children (11, 7 and 3) by myself. But somehow I knew he belonged with us.
He fit right in. He bonded with my ladybug and became truly HER dog. Whenever she was around, he preferred her. He would tolerate the rest of us but his heart was glued tightly and forever to her. They played together. She nursed him through his recovery from the neutering procedure. (He was approximately 9 months old when he joined our family). He followed her wherever she went. He was her best friend.
Ladybug started playing the saxophone in 6th grade that year. She would sit on the back porch practicing her scales and her lessons while Sparky sat beside her, howling and singing right along with her. They were my very own lounge act. I loved it. She loved it. And Sparky loved it.
He also loved to hide his prized possessions. One time my sister gave Sparky (and our other dog Toby - we got him a year after Sparky & that was when I KNEW I was crazy) some chew toys. Sparky loved getting chew toys and going to work immediately on them. However chew toys that resembled a bone were like gold to Sparky and he would set out to find the best hiding spot for it. The scene would go like this:
Sparky would lurk around with the 'bone' in his mouth casting sideways glances at the two-legged and four-legged inhabitants, assessing who was watching, was it safe to hide it. When he felt it was, he'd 'hide' it (maybe under a shoe or next to a back pack or under his sock collection). And he'd walk back to the living room with the rest of us. Toby would go 'find' the bone, retrieve it, bring it to the center of the room and start chewing on it. Sparky would look at him with disbelief that it was found. He would be thinking "How does he know? Every. Single. Time?" Sometimes Sparky would go so far as to hide it outside. Toby would go out a few minutes later and bring the bone back inside. Toby would chew on it for a few minutes and then abandon it to sit in the picture window barking at the falling leaves or two-legged creatures who might be breathing one street over.
Once abandoned Sparky would tip toe back to the bone, pick it up in his mouth and start looking for a better place to hide it. As long as you were watching him, he'd act like it was no big deal having a bone in his mouth. Once he thought you weren't watching him, he'd hide it again. Maybe this time in between shoes or besides the foot of the couch always making sure to creep away from it in order to not draw attention to it. Within seconds of Sparky hiding it, Toby would be picking it up again. This would go on for hours. Watching this dynamic would leave us in stitches.
He loved going on walks around Carondelet Park. He had to put up with being on a tandem leash and having Toby pull and bark the whole time. When he did get to go on walks solo, he seemed to relish in the peace and quiet and attempted to pee on every tree, bush, fire hydrant, and mulch pile. One time Ladybug had him on a walk and when they returned home, Sparky was sopping wet. I asked what had happened and Ladybug told me through her tears and laughter that he just fell in Boat Lake. Walking along minding his own business and not paying attention, splash! he went into the water.
He loved his sleep and especially on the big bed in Ladybug's room. If you entered the room after they had retired for the night, he growled and barked so ferociously that if you didn't know better, you'd be concerned he'd bite your head off. He was simply being protective.
When Ladybug went off to college and I started my chemo treatments, he followed me around. He laid on the flokati rug beside my bed; he snuggled next to me on the couch in the basement; he laid beside the couch in the living room. Wherever my tired, cancer-fighting body was laying he was there. He would follow me to the kitchen, to the bathroom, outside, to the laundry room. He became my shadow. But his heart was still betrothed to Ladybug. Sometimes when we would Facetime, Sparky would hear her voice and spend the whole convo trying to find her. We thought it so cute and endearing at the time not thinking that maybe his heart was hurting with her absence.
I thanked Sparky last night for helping me through my chemo treatments, for being there when I couldn't breathe (a side effect of one of the drugs) and giving me a calm, loving face to focus on as I attempted to relax and get air back in my lungs. I thanked him for keeping me warm all those fucking cold winter days/nights when the cold sensitivity made being anywhere painful. I apologized to him that I couldn't help him get better. And I thanked him for staying alive long enough to let Ladybug hold him close and kiss his face while he was put to sleep.
Our hearts are breaking. Our grief is real. We loved him so.
The children and I worked with another family to corral the two dogs and put them in their backyard. We fell in love with both dogs immediately but I knew I wouldn't have the stamina to have two puppies. We left both dogs with the other family for our weekend trip to my brother's place in Oklahoma. When we came back, the other family asked if we wanted one of the puppies. We jumped at the chance and crossed our fingers that we could have the one they had named Sparky. We brought him home that hot August day in 2006. We were all thrilled. I was thinking I must be crazy to take on a dog along with raising three children (11, 7 and 3) by myself. But somehow I knew he belonged with us.
He fit right in. He bonded with my ladybug and became truly HER dog. Whenever she was around, he preferred her. He would tolerate the rest of us but his heart was glued tightly and forever to her. They played together. She nursed him through his recovery from the neutering procedure. (He was approximately 9 months old when he joined our family). He followed her wherever she went. He was her best friend.
Ladybug started playing the saxophone in 6th grade that year. She would sit on the back porch practicing her scales and her lessons while Sparky sat beside her, howling and singing right along with her. They were my very own lounge act. I loved it. She loved it. And Sparky loved it.
He also loved to hide his prized possessions. One time my sister gave Sparky (and our other dog Toby - we got him a year after Sparky & that was when I KNEW I was crazy) some chew toys. Sparky loved getting chew toys and going to work immediately on them. However chew toys that resembled a bone were like gold to Sparky and he would set out to find the best hiding spot for it. The scene would go like this:
Sparky would lurk around with the 'bone' in his mouth casting sideways glances at the two-legged and four-legged inhabitants, assessing who was watching, was it safe to hide it. When he felt it was, he'd 'hide' it (maybe under a shoe or next to a back pack or under his sock collection). And he'd walk back to the living room with the rest of us. Toby would go 'find' the bone, retrieve it, bring it to the center of the room and start chewing on it. Sparky would look at him with disbelief that it was found. He would be thinking "How does he know? Every. Single. Time?" Sometimes Sparky would go so far as to hide it outside. Toby would go out a few minutes later and bring the bone back inside. Toby would chew on it for a few minutes and then abandon it to sit in the picture window barking at the falling leaves or two-legged creatures who might be breathing one street over.
Once abandoned Sparky would tip toe back to the bone, pick it up in his mouth and start looking for a better place to hide it. As long as you were watching him, he'd act like it was no big deal having a bone in his mouth. Once he thought you weren't watching him, he'd hide it again. Maybe this time in between shoes or besides the foot of the couch always making sure to creep away from it in order to not draw attention to it. Within seconds of Sparky hiding it, Toby would be picking it up again. This would go on for hours. Watching this dynamic would leave us in stitches.
He loved going on walks around Carondelet Park. He had to put up with being on a tandem leash and having Toby pull and bark the whole time. When he did get to go on walks solo, he seemed to relish in the peace and quiet and attempted to pee on every tree, bush, fire hydrant, and mulch pile. One time Ladybug had him on a walk and when they returned home, Sparky was sopping wet. I asked what had happened and Ladybug told me through her tears and laughter that he just fell in Boat Lake. Walking along minding his own business and not paying attention, splash! he went into the water.
He loved his sleep and especially on the big bed in Ladybug's room. If you entered the room after they had retired for the night, he growled and barked so ferociously that if you didn't know better, you'd be concerned he'd bite your head off. He was simply being protective.
When Ladybug went off to college and I started my chemo treatments, he followed me around. He laid on the flokati rug beside my bed; he snuggled next to me on the couch in the basement; he laid beside the couch in the living room. Wherever my tired, cancer-fighting body was laying he was there. He would follow me to the kitchen, to the bathroom, outside, to the laundry room. He became my shadow. But his heart was still betrothed to Ladybug. Sometimes when we would Facetime, Sparky would hear her voice and spend the whole convo trying to find her. We thought it so cute and endearing at the time not thinking that maybe his heart was hurting with her absence.
I thanked Sparky last night for helping me through my chemo treatments, for being there when I couldn't breathe (a side effect of one of the drugs) and giving me a calm, loving face to focus on as I attempted to relax and get air back in my lungs. I thanked him for keeping me warm all those fucking cold winter days/nights when the cold sensitivity made being anywhere painful. I apologized to him that I couldn't help him get better. And I thanked him for staying alive long enough to let Ladybug hold him close and kiss his face while he was put to sleep.
Our hearts are breaking. Our grief is real. We loved him so.
Sparky
2006-2014
RIP
Friday, April 25, 2014
Post chemo PET Scan results
I know I am breathing easier, dear readers, as you are too. I meet with my oncologist next week for my first follow up visit. I envision our conversation will be just as interesting as it was during our bi-weekly visits the last seven months:
Doc: "how are you feeling"
Me: rambling on and on about this side effect and that side effect and giving unsolicited advice on how to better interact with his patients and asking to be prescribed something to relieve the pain in my hands/feet...
Doc: "okay see you in 3 months, bye."
But all that won't bother me because for now (and hopefully forever) I do not have any evidence of cancer. I do have lingering and painful side effects. It will be so nice when my nerves have healed and my skin is no longer sensitive to everything. Certain fabrics feel like sandpaper against my skin! (perfect excuse to purchase a set of 1500 thread count sheets from Amazon... they are A-MAZ-ING!).
I'm also dealing with arthritis in my hands and elbows but my taste buds have rejoined the living world. Thankfully my hands tire out quickly so holding a fork for a long time is not possible therefore I am not able to overeat and regain all the weight I lost.
Anyway, I am happy. The sun is shining. The weather is warmer. And I am healthy. Tons to be thankful for!!! ((Hugs))
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)