Four words

"Get your own water."

"I'm on my way."

The first sentence has scarred me with me many years of pain and confusion and feelings of worthlessness. The second sentence brought tears to my eyes because of all those years of pain and confusion and feeling worthless.

When my ex-husband and I were first dating over 22 years ago, I would ask him to fill my glass of water if he were getting up to go to the kitchen. It was one of those "hey while you're up, would you mind getting me ..." sorts of requests. I didn't think anything of it. I didn't think it was a big deal. A few months in to dating each other, he said to me that he hated when I would ask him for water and that he felt I was taking advantage of him and that I was just being lazy. I never asked him for another glass of water. It hurt when he said that. Had I known then what I know now, I would never have continued dating him nor married him but I didn't. I was young; I was a people pleaser. Those four words "get your own water" became ingrained into my psyche way down deep. The man I loved didn't think I was special enough to bring me water when I asked, so obviously I wasn't special enough to matter to anyone especially other men.

I have been divorced over ten years.  Who would have thought that I would still be feeling the after effects of those four words?

But last night as I sat in 007's car tears welling up in my eyes because I was overwhelmed by his kindness towards me. A simple act that he didn't think twice about almost knocked my core being completely flat.  He came to pick me up, to drive me home after an all-day pub crawl I had been on so I wouldn't have to drive home.  His text "I'm on my way" brought tears to my eyes.

Not only did he drive twenty minutes to get me, he parked & came inside the bar to find me. I was expecting that he would drive up, text me he was outside & I would leave. And I would have been okay with that because that's what I was used to, how a not special-enough person is treated, always feeling that I had been too much of a burden already, I couldn't possibly ask for anything more. I didn't ask him to come get me, my girlfriend made the telephone call. It didn't take much convincing on her part. She asked, explained the situation and he said he was on his way. Why was I so afraid to ask him? Because I was afraid he'd tell me no, to get my own water, reinforcing my belief that I wasn't worthy.

But he didn't. He came. He took care of me because I am special & because he is kind.

I'm moving through new emotional waters here. It's going to be hard to undo 20+ years of negative self-talk, to realize that people (including men) will do nice things for me because they want to & because they like me, not because of what they can get from me in return. I am so grateful, so eternally grateful, that the universe is giving me this gift of growth towards acceptance & healing and that 007 is her chosen tool.

I'm on my way.

Timing is everything...

"Dear Minivan Philosopher,

The right people always find each other at the right time.

Relax,
The Universe"


This message appeared in my email inbox at exactly the right time. I had been dealing with some festering anxiety (R-PTSD symptom flareups) about the upcoming lack of time with 007 due to school schedules and family vacations.  I have been so happily spoiled these last six weeks; how was I going to make 10 days without being with him? I tried to stay awake as long as possible last night so I could create a memory map of him to recall when I really started to miss him. The little anxiety voice was getting louder and at 5:15 a.m. it was downright obnoxious.  So when the alarm went off and I checked my email, there was that message from the Universe.  I said "thank you" and sighed the anxiety out of me. I became calm and peaceful, again.

The old wise men and women all say that timing is everything.  And I truly believe it! I don't think I would have been ready for 007 a few years ago or even last year during my cancer treatment (although he would have been a great partner to have by my side).  Nor do I think he would have been ready for me before now.  Even though we have been attracted to each other since we met and friends before now, we each had to continue on our separate journeys, to make mistakes, to learn and to grow, to forgive and to let go.

We are still navigating our own journeys but they are made a little nicer and a little sweeter because part of our respective journeys now includes each other.

And although ten days will feel like an eternity compared to how much we have been seeing each other, it's not forever.  I'm definitely looking forward to the "reunion".

007 is the right person for me at this time.  I am thankful. And dear Universe, I am relaxing.

Relationship PTSD

Hi. I’m the Minivan Philosopher and I have Relationship PTSD. 

Yep that’s what I wrote.  Relationship PTSD (R-PTSD).  The first step towards healing is admitting it.

 Most people suffer from R-PTSD but they call it ‘baggage’ or ‘issues’ or ‘acting crazy’.  When it is in actuality all of those things wrapped up together that form R-PTSD.  (Appropriately the acronym reads Re-PeaTing Stupid Dynamics.  Lord knows I repeated enough stupid dynamics in my relationships.)

 Why did I coin this term?  What is happening in my life that brought it to the forefront?  Am I in a difficult relationship? No. There is no relationship chaos.  It’s going just fine. And I’ve realized because of the absence of chaos, my baggage, my issues, my R-PTSD tendencies are flaring up and have nowhere to go except to sit right in front of my face making me name them and process through them. I am very uncomfortable.  It’s as if the tendencies or habits want me to give life to them, bring them out of the dark, damp place they’ve been resting since the end of my last relationship so they can assume their rightful and normal place in this new relationship.  This is the first time in my life though that I can see those tendencies with clarity and more insight than ever before.  I don’t want them to intrude upon my happiness or peacefulness.  But I can’t ignore them.  That is more dangerous.   If ignored, they will manifest in different ways and probably be very ugly too.  Nope, I must look each of them in the face as they stir to life and acknowledge where they came from, the hurt that created them and free them of feeling that they must protect me.  I need to forgive.  Forgive those that came before and forgive myself.

It started this way…