That story has ended.

Just when I was worried that my life was going to become even more complicated, poof just like that, the Universe provides.

He dropped by unannounced yesterday.  He told me he had signed his divorce papers; that he had driven by my house every day for the last two weeks (never stopping or calling though); that he thought about me every day and wondered how I was doing; that he knew he had screwed up by not acknowledging my cancer; that he thought I had a new boyfriend when he saw a white truck in my driveway (uh that would be my ex's truck) that he cared about me so much; that he was there for me; and that he was scared. He held me close.  He kissed me.  I told him that I didn't know what to think anymore; that I have cancer and I will be going through chemotherapy and that I don't want to be with someone who isn't 'there for me'.  He said he was glad to see me and see that I was doing well.  He said he would call me today to tell me how it all went with the judge when they submitted their settlement to the courts.  I said okay, good luck.

I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away...

This song is one of my favorites.  It is hauntingly beautiful and timely. I posted a link to this song from youtube in an earlier post; you may have missed it. 

 

But just like with any poetry, some lyrics are relevant and others are not.  Yours to guess which ones hit home.

 

 

Hiding My Heart by Brandi Carlile

Breath of fresh air

It's amazing what an hour-long conversation with my Ladybug can do for my soul.  She had just finished her very first college English course.  She texted me about it and I had to pick up the phone to hear her voice.  She's lucky I didn't FaceTime her right there in the quad.  Anyway, she is doing so well.  Loves her roommate.  Is adjusting (slowly) to the Mississippi heat.  And has met four other students from our region! Go figure!

In one month....

I was diagnosed with cancer.
My grandfather died; I handled all the funeral arrangements in between doctor's appointments.
I had a CT scan, two blood tests, an MRI, and a PET scan.
I learned to love Ambien.
I had a nine-hour surgery to remove more of my colon than originally anticipated, my right ovary and to stop the leaking non-cancerous cyst.
I had an 8-day hospital stay, experienced what it truly means to be invisible.
And my Ladybug left for college leaving a huge hole in my soul.
That's a lot for any sane person much less me.

I received good advice today from a friend who lost her husband to cancer.

No place like home

I'm home. Happily relieved to be here. No more blood to give. No more complimentary "waxings" to receive when they rip the tape off my skin. No more bruises from shots. No more feeling like emotional sandpaper. No more green hospital gowns that wear on me like a tent. Nope, no more.

My sanity savers were my children, my family &  friends, my Fox, and Brandi Carlile's music. Without them, I wouldn't have made it through my 8 days post surgery hospitalization. And there could have very well been a prison sentence for me afterwards with the number of 'care partners' I wanted to kill. But I didn't and there isn't because of my sanity savers.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I will never forget.

Now I wait for post op visits, pathology reports & chemotherapy strategy. I'm okay with all that, because I am home.

It's like waiting for Santa but its not...

The clock ticks. Slowly. I know I should relish this last 'regular' day.  But I'm not.  I'm so aware that tomorrow at noon begins all the prep for surgery.  That wonderful prep.  Actually after midnight tonight, I get to eat nothing and drink only clear liquids.  So you would think that I would be hitting every all-you-can-eat buffet in town, but I'm not. Instead I had some Kombucha and crackers with cheese from Whole Foods. I did have a cookie too because it will be a while before I can eat those again..  Oh and I did have one last soda.  Can't imagine I will be wanting to introduce carbonation to my healing colon for a good while after surgery.  Would hate to get a 'gas leak'... lol I crack myself up.

The waiting is the worst....

Anxiously waiting to hear the results of my PET scan this morning.  Making for a very long day.  Hard to stay focused.  Can't even work on my book...

Ugh!

Update:
Doc called. Nothing additional to report from PET scan: liver good, kidneys pancreas etc good. Cysts in belly fat did not light up. They could see the tumor & there is a small tissue mass near there that they will better be able to figure out what it is when they go in. But for all purposes an 'unremarkable scan' in terms of cancer. Yeah! Sometimes it's okay to be unremarkable.... Have a nice weekend everyone.

Your Shoulders

are
for standing tall,
leaning against,
carrying others,
carrying me,
crying on,
resting on,
nuzzling,
and loving.

My heart thanks you.