Honest Sinner

Why some people persist in living in hypocrisy is beyond me... We only get one life to live.  And it is short! Why not live it authentically acknowledging faults, addressing them, embracing the love in the world? You might falter, screw up, feel a bit of pain every now and then but at least that pain is a result of living as an honest sinner... a lying hypocrite's pain ripples outward, upward, sideways and affects so many more than just himself.  And that is just cruel.

I don't have time for hypocrites.  My life is too full of love and mistakes, laughter and tears, hopes and fears all rolled up into my amazing journey.  I'll take my honest sinners any day.

Gettin' my herr did

It was sobering to sit in the salon chair yesterday looking at myself in the mirror while my stylist & dear friend tried to help me see the bright side to my continuing hair loss. She pointed out areas that had new growth; that's a good sign. She reminded me that I wasn't going to go bald and to think that right now I could have been 14 weeks into wearing a wig. I sighed and said I know. It's just hard to everyday have less hair on my head & more in my hands or the tub drain or the brush or my coat. Ten more weeks. I joked with Kathy that we will know I've fully recovered and have my thick blonde mane truly back when I ask her to thin it out a bit. I'll never complain about how long it takes to blow dry my hair again. It's better than seeing my scalp through the remaining strands.

Cancer & chemotherapy really change the way you look at life. From the inside out....

Sweetness

All of life is sweeter with the right person by your side.

That is all I have to say for now.

Homecoming

Ladybug is home from college on Christmas break. It feels good to have us all back together again under the same roof. We have missed her a lot!

I'll write more later. I'm tired now from driving 11 hours in two days. But it was so worth it.

Feeling very blessed.

Hope you are too!

PET scan redux

Results are in:

All is clear -  no sign of any cancer.  Still have 6 more treatments to go through but truly feel like this is the first time I can actually breathe any sort of 'sigh of relief'.

Great great news.  I needed to hear this today.  Believe I will be cured of this and will make it to five years and beyond.

All my pieces of my recovery puzzle are finally coming together and it feels really good.

50% done; 6 down, 6 to go; half a pie gone; THE halfway mark!

I had my 6th chemo treatment today. Halfway there.  Really thankful for the physical and mental health break that I got over the last four weeks.  Hoping it will give me the strength to make it through this and the next 6.  14 more weeks.

Good news - have become a member of the Cancer Support Community in Des Peres.  They do amazing work.  Support groups, exercise classes, nutritional counseling and cooking classes and support groups for kids and teens.  Last night we went to the Family Support Group night and the kids collaborated on a song about cancer while the parents talked about all the fun things (sarcasm) this diagnosis has thrust upon us.  After our sessions, we went to listen to the CD the kids made.  They wrote the song and sang it as well.  It was titled "Woah, cancer"  and I started tearing up at the first line... I was overwhelmed with the kids' love for us parents as it was evidenced through the lyrics.  My boys had such a great time too.  When Ladybug gets home, I'm going to have the three of them do a session of KidsRock Cancer.  I think it will be really healthy and fun for them.  I'm also excited that the boys want to do the other family events (tae kwon do, cooking classes etc).

I am glad that I got so upset the last time and wrote emails that lit fires under a few experts asses and that the response has connected me to the available resources that I so desperately needed. 

In addition, I know deep down that the universe is rewarding me for going through all this chemo-mess by bringing an Ikea to St. Louis!!!!  I am grateful and excited for sure!

The next two days are going to be pretty awful weather-wise... will have to wrap up like Ralphie in a Christmas Story.  But hopefully with a little more style.

PS - cut my hair so it wouldn't be as obnoxious as my hair continues to thin out and my blonde strands are found everywhere!

Primitive text message

From my Sage, it surprised me and made me smile!

Two new favorite things on the WWW!

www.snapjudgment.com Be sure to listen to the gratitude episode. Wow what amazing stories!

And for wonderful, inspirational writing to make you reflect on life, visit betterthansurviving.me.

Aren't y'all glad I posted something that wasn't about chemo & cancer treatments? I am!

Enjoy!
~the philosopher

MRI

Have an MRI scheduled for the morning - hoping to find the cause of my dizziness... praying that it will all be good news and they will say that you get dizzy because you are a "mad" writer! 

I'll update when I know.

UPDATED:  Brain is fine.  Genius status has been confirmed.  Very relieved.

My primary care doctor thinks that the dizziness is chemo-related because sometimes those drugs will affect the inner ear too....  

S-P-L-A-T Part II

Read Splat part one before continuing... http://minivanphilosopher.blogspot.com/2013/11/s-p-l-t-part-one.html

 

So my sister called my oncologist, described my symptoms and asked what would be the best thing for us to do.  He said to go to an ER to get evaluated especially because I have not had any nausea/vomiting during my chemo treatment so far.

She drove me to St. Mary's ER.  I was in so much abdominal pain that I had to rest my forehead on the registration desk counter while I tried to punch in my Social Security number on their keypad.  Fortunately, my symptoms ranked pretty high and I got into a ER room fairly quickly.  And I was FREEZING!  I kept asking for more blankets.  I had 8 by the time I left the ER.  I was wearing my leather gloves and kept my socks on and would have worn my hat but it wasn't easy to keep on while lying down.  They took blood, gave me fluids and pain meds (phentanol - sp?) that were wonderful!!! They also gave me a CT scan.  I knew something was up when the tech asked when I last had a CT scan.

S-P-L-A-T!!! Part one...

Readers,
I wasn't sure how to start this posting... what a two week period!  I was so excited that I thought I had found the magical formula for my chemo recovery.  I didn't get my acupuncture until a week after my chemo dose and my hands/feet were really in pain this time.  I informed my acupuncturist that she could take no more vacations until after I am finished with treatment.

There's so much to say that I'll try to hit bullet points:
1) Removed any remaining links to Mike when I switched phone/cable companies.  And saving $1,000/year in the process.  That made me happy. 
2) Got a call on a Saturday from Slucare complaining that I had let my bill get out of hand and I wasn't paying them enough.  I was so angry at them.  I told them they charged too much and reminded them that I write a check each time I go to chemo.  They said "yeah but it's not enough and that they can't guarantee that it won't go to collections."  I told them I wasn't paying any more than I already was and if they wanted me to survive chemo to quit adding stress to my life.

3) Sent letter to my Fox telling him I needed a break. 

A thousand strands later...

11-12-13. I think that’s pretty cool.  Next year will be the last of the numerically-ordered dates (12-13-14) for a century.  What will you do on that date?  What will I do?  Hmm I’ve got some time to think about it.

So I haven’t blogged in a week or so.  My apologies.  It’s been an uphill climb this week.  Chemo pretty much knocked me out on Wednesday.  All I wanted was to sleep after I got home.  I told my boys good night at around 8:30 p.m.  Is that too early?  Hope not.  It was what I needed.  I feel bad though leaving them to fend for themselves on days like that.  Thursday was better.  Friday started out frustrating because the home health agency had neglected to put me on their schedule.  If I hadn’t called them to see where my nurse was, they would not have come out at all to disconnect me.  That really got under my skin.  Of course they apologized and promised it would never happen again.  But I cringed at the thought that I would have been attached to the empty chemo bag for longer than I had mentally prepared for and still five days later, it makes me sick to my stomach.  I have to shout it out to the world, you cannot ‘fuck’ with a chemo patient like that (intentionally or not) because we can only handle so much emotionally and we prepare for that, we don’t prepare for your oversights or mistakes.  There, I've said it. Fortunately, Friday ended much better with a wonderful visit with my Zumba BFF at the gardens and then a scrumptious dinner afterwards.

My side effects have been varied.  Still shedding or thinning my hair at Guinness Book of World Record speeds.  Doctor assured me I would not lose it all. I sarcastically replied that I guess if I have two strands left on my head at the end, he would be, technically, correct.  I don’t know which would be easier, just to lose it all and go with the shaved head look or try to maintain the status quo.   The pain in the jaw hasn’t been as bad as before nor the muscle twitching.  That is a relief, for sure.  I wonder if my life-changing smoothie is responsible for the minimization of those side effects… don’t know for sure but I will keep drinking it. Every. Single. Day.

However, I did not get my acupuncture this go around because that Doctor was out of town.  And my hands and feet hurt terribly from the neuropathy.  Seriously, seriously cold sensitive here!!  I cannot let myself get cold at all because it’s brutal.  My face and my nose froze up (i'm talking paralysis frozen) when I was walking around the garden. I wrapped my scarf around my nose/mouth and exhaled into it to warm it up.  Also, after the sun went down at my son’s soccer game, I bee lined it to my car because the tingling pain started up and down my legs and even my butt cheeks!!!! How am I going to make it through winter in St. Louis without a complete withdrawal from society and subsequent hibernation?

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

Lather, rinse, repeat.

This is how it feels.  Except of course, I don’t do much lathering/rinsing/repeating of my hair because it continues to ‘thin’ at a high rate… The docs told me I wasn’t going to lose my hair totally but I’m not  exactly sure how much I will have left in 15 weeks (hopefully more than a few strands on my head. If not, I might have to borrow my neighbor Paul’s “flair hair” www.flairhair.com .  I’m hoping not to because it really looks better on him than me.) 

 

However, all the great interweb doctors and experts say that one’s hair starts coming back within weeks of finishing chemotherapy and usually all restored to normal within a year.  So for me, that could mean a nice thick head of hair again maybe around St. Patrick’s day?  Until then, I simply manage the best I can, picking the multitudes of strands off my black coat and feel good that I am contributing, singlehandedly, to the comfy, soft “hair pillows” the birds in my neighborhood now rest upon in their nests. 

Lather, rinse, repeat… it’s like I’m in a holding pattern. 

Words, time, opportunities..

What showed up in my newsfeed... how timely & appropriate...
oh how the universe recognizes my struggles...

I think I can... I think I can..

I feel like I've ignored my readers because I haven't blogged lately.  But the tingling and random paralysis in my hands from the freaking chemo treatment has made it difficult to type much less cook, wash dishes, open doors, zip zippers, drive the car etc...  And with the onset of autumn and winter just around the corner it's not going to get any easier.

However... Three things I have done for myself: 1) joined the Missouri Botanical Gardens and have gone to sit in the Climatron just to breathe in all that great oxygen from the living, healing plants; 2) incorporated hot Epsom salt tub soaks to try to pull the chemo toxins out of my body through the skin; and 3) started drinking the "life changing smoothie" each day.  Still too early to tell the results but at least I feel like I'm doing something or in control just a wee tiny bit. (A friend also recommended that I use amber to help keep my hands warm.  She located a place nearby that sells it and I have added it to my list of 'things to do'.)

I am feeling more tired towards the end of the workday than before.  My body just wants to rest.  And the thought of crawling into my warm bed and drifting off to dreamland where there is no chemotherapy, there are no medical bills, no home repairs to make, my Fox isn't a million miles away, and my book is done and sold is so tempting and inviting.  However, the boys have after school and evening activities that they need taxiing to/fro that makes me stay up, stay awake and stay in my reality.

It is what it is right now.  I only have 16 more weeks of treatment.  Just 16, I can make it.  I'll be the little engine that could.  Thanks for riding along with me.

Inhale. Exhale. Chemo #4 update

Let’s see, an update is in order.  I should have known that yesterday was going to be wacky because I started out a little behind on time.  But with my friend Kathy behind the wheel and her ability to multitask and prioritize, we only arrived 5 minutes behind schedule.  Got my usual seat and unloaded all my ‘gear’ – laptop, iPad, plugged in the extension cord so everything could stay charged.  Put my munchies out and my water too.  Got my vitals taken and my blood drawn.  Then I waited until I saw my oncologist.  He asked how I was doing.  I gave him the laundry list of symptoms: neuropathy (the most annoying and irritating), fatigue, muscle weakness and muscle twitching, some paralysis that occurs in my hands around the thumb and pointer finger (usually only on Thursday but this time it started on Wednesday too!), told him how I hated the feeling of my throat being scraped every time I ate or drank anything.  I pretty much told him things that are consistent with my treatment.  He again reiterated that the Oxiliplantin drug (the culprit for most of these side effects) gives me an extra 5% chance at being cured.  So if he takes it away, I’m only going to be at between 93-95% cured.  He said though that I’m the one having to take the chemo so I need to tell him if I get to the point where I can’t deal with the side effects anymore.  Then he said he would look at either reducing the amount or eliminating the oxiliplantin, but “remember it gives you that extra 5%...”

Dread. Pit of Stomach. List for Doctor.

Tomorrow is number 4.  I know I am closer to number 12 than when I started, but I have to be honest, I simply do not look forward to my chemo days (or the few days afterward).  Call me crazy!

And the temps are dropping here in St. Louis so my cold sensitivity is on high alert.  I'm already wearing my leather gloves, scarf and coat! No one else is; I just explain that I'm practicing for when I get to be an eccentric old lady. (My Fox, don't even think about making snarky comments on the 'old' part).  I'm a little ticked that one of my favorite things about winter in St. Louis, the ICE COLD water you can get from the tap, is going to have to be avoided. Argh!!

Anyway, other than the dread in the pit of my stomach, the list of lingering side effects that I must make to share with my oncologist tomorrow, and the thousands of strands of my blonde hair everywhere (no I'm not losing it; it's just 'thinning'), I'm doing the best that I can and am constantly amazed at the resilience inherent in our bodies.  I'm counting on that resilience to see me all the way to the end.
I'm sure I'll post again tomorrow...

Koi No Yokan...

Why I love languages...

Koi No Yokan is Japanese for:

"The sense upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall in love"
(I can tell you exactly where I was, what I was doing, what I was wearing, and what he was doing when koi no yokan happened to me.)

Lots more linguistic treasures in the link above... enjoy.  If you feel like it, come back and put in the comments your favorite word from the article or another word that should be included.

Thanks for stopping by and reading!

VISIONS IN THE EYES

English IIIA, 1st period, 1/9/1986

VISIONS IN THE EYES

                Driving away, I looked back in the rearview mirror and breathed a sigh of relief.  It was all over; the crazy lady was dead.  No more nights looking at eyes on plates in reflective juice, it was all over! 

               It began when I first moved into my new old house one day in June.  It was very comfortable, yellow and white with green shutters. I loved it because it was my first very own place.  It had wooden floors and a magnificent stone fireplace in the living room.  Many days and nights were spent watching the flames jump up into the chimney and feeling the warmth it produced.

                I had a little white poodle named Baggins (from the Hobbit).  She was the cutest dog anybody could own.  She was truly frisky, wanting to play all the time.  Baggins seemed to have a special way of communicating with me.  I actually felt like we carried on conversations.  We understood each other.  Baggins always knew when I was depressed.  She felt it.  It was uncanny, this relationship we had.

                After I had been living there for a couple of months, my next door neighbor came over and introduced herself.  She was a sprite old lady, full of wit with lots to say.  She never talked about herself.  She just asked questions about me.  Her name was Agnes, the only name she ever told anyone.

Five regrets

Five regrets people confess on their deathbed


I like to read the blog in the link above. I find the postings to be insightful and so refreshing to read such posts from the male perspective. However, the link above is not gender specific; it is universal and I knew I had to share it with my readers.

I've been given a second chance at life because the cancer was found early, removed and now with the extra whammy of chemo, I can be cured of it.  And I'm resolved to not have any of these five regrets when I'm at my deathbed many many decades from now. I'm not going to waste this gift of life.  It is too precious.

I encourage you to click on the link and read it, reflect on it. How we live our lives is completely in our control and reflect our choices.  I choose to be happy.  Do you?

Top five regrets rewritten to be top five actions to live with no regrets...
1. Courage to live a life true to myself
2. Not work so hard.
3. Express my feelings
4. Stay in touch with my friends
5. Let myself be happier

Peace.

The sun and the moon and the...

Three things cannot be long hidden:  the sun, the moon and the truth. - Buddha

Truth has a way of coming out whether we want it to or not.  It was a difficult (often repeated) lesson growing up.  I was amazed at how my parents always were able to know when someone was lying.  They would sternly counsel my siblings and I when warning us that the worst thing we could do was lie to them; that it would destroy their trust in us.  So I did my best to be truthful.  It seemed easier to deal with the consequences of my actions and their irritation or anger at it, than to deal with their disappointment in me for lying about it.  Their disappointment lasted much longer and went deeper to my core. 

But I'm not just talking about truth simply as the opposite of lying and I don't believe Buddha meant for it to be limited to such a definition either.  Truth exists beyond Webster's dictionary (or dictionary.com for my younger readers).  Truth is like a seed that has been planted; it will grow.  It will break through the shell, shatter it to millions of pieces and stick one little root, then another and another until truth has enveloped the old shell and grown tall and strong. 

O-R-I-S-T-O-E-T & R-A-E-H

How I feel when playing Words with Friends with my Fox...

Whole Foods chocolate chip cookies are NOT dog food!

I repeat:  Whole Foods chocolate chip cookies are NOT dog food!!!

Note to self: If I buy any more cookies from Whole Foods, I need to eat them immediately!  No saving them for another time nor planning on sharing them with the Rockstar  and the Sage.  Because those sneaky, yappy, not-very-adorable-today canines of mine have once again managed to pull the cookies from the package out of my work satchel and EATEN THEM!!!  They are so sneaky; I never even noticed until I saw the empty cookie bag still in my satchel today!

Ugh!!

Hotter than a bucket of chicken grease!

One of my dearest girlfriends was at a restaurant while visiting friends of hers in Texas one time when out of the blue a stranger declared that she was hotter than a bucket of chicken grease (said with a proper Texas twang at that!). She naturally was flattered and laughs at being compared to chicken grease but she knows the intent was to pay her a compliment.

Well tonight something similar happened to me.

Quotes from one of my favorite authors: Gabriel Garcia Marquez

I LOVE Gabriel Garcia Marquez.  I remember when a friend gave me a copy of Love in the Time of Cholera back in 1997, I couldn't put it down.  After that I read 100 Years of Solitude and enjoyed it just as much.  Below are a collection of quotes from Marquez' novels that I stole from the web site www.shortlist.com They did a nice job of gathering 30 of his greatest quotes... here are my favorites from that list.  (And now I have even more books I want to read!)

Memories Of My Melancholy Whores (2004)

"No matter what, nobody can take away the dances you've already had."

How does your garden grow?

My new yard art!  I picked it up yesterday at Art in the Park.  I love it for a number of reasons, one of those being it will always remind me of what a lovely day I had with such great friends looking at amazing art, listening to great music, feeling the sun warm our outsides as well as our insides, tasting fabulous food and driving a little erratically up and down the hills of Francis Park in the golf cart (narrowly averting our chance to 'jump' a little ditch!).

New recovery formula?

I'm cautiously optimistic regarding how quickly I have  'bounced' back from my second dosing of chemo.  I was pretty shaken up with the muscle weakness and the extent of the tingling and the twitching in my muscles (no it wasn't my fat getting used up, bummer).  The home health nurse said the muscle twitching is a sign that I need more calcium and magnesium in my system.  I showed her all the vitamin supplements that I was taking and she said I had a good mix.  I said I will increase my calcium intake then and add magnesium.  She also reminded me to drink plenty of fluids because the 5-FU is so dehydrating.   I have been drinking about 5 liters a day (my normal is 3).  She asked if I was experiencing any constipation.  I told her that last time I did and it was just awful.  It took me five days to finally go and that was after I used my organic senna herbal tea.  Once I did go, I felt like myself again (don't we all, lol).  My plan this time was to do the tea early in anticipation and not wait five days.

Rolling around in a briar patch

Day two of my second dosing of chemo and I feel like I have cactus needles in my hands, fingers (even under the tips of my fingernails). My mouth is tingling and numb all at the same time.  I have the cold sensitivity even more now... Actually had to wrap a beverage in a napkin to carry it. I had forgotten about it when I drank from a water fountain and the water felt like shards of glass hitting my lips. I jumped back!

My leg muscles are very sore too. Walking up and down my stairs has been really hard because my calves are locking up. I also feel twitches in my legs but I'm thinking that's just the fat getting used up. Wishful thinking I know.

And there will be chocolate....!

Tomorrow I return to the Chemo Infusion Lounge for the second dosing of my twelve treatment regimen.  Only 22 more weeks and chemotherapy will be finished.  I like to plan things out and write stuff down on my calendars (both electronic and tangible).  Somehow it makes it seem less ominous (“12 treatments over six months” echoing in a big black cave…) when I can put an end date to it.  In this case, my last date at the Infusion Lounge is February 12, 2014 and my last day to be disconnected from the 5-FU drug is February 14, 2014 (I’m not into numerology but the way those numbers fall seem pretty cool, don’t you think? – 2-14-14 or 02-14-2014…) The irony isn’t lost on me either; it will be the first Valentine’s Day that I’ve looked forward to in at least 11 years!   I’m already planning how I’ll decorate my living room with red and white streamers and I’m going to send myself red roses and balloons… And there will be chocolate! Every Year!  I’m taking back Valentine’s Day! Valentine’s Day will forever be redefined and will be a celebration of love (no longer a painful reminder about being single) in the truest “thank god I’m alive” form.   So boyfriend or no boyfriend, husband or no husband, Valentine’s Day, it will be mine. 

So continuing on, tomorrow’s my second ‘date’ with chemo. 

News Flash!

This just in...

I am happy to report that my remaining ovary seems to have awakened from her sleep and is back on the job.  My night sweats have all but gone away and I'm feeling more like a purring kitty cat than the DEFCON 5 Porcupine yelling profanity-laced vitriol at the sweet Sisters of Charity for praying on their rosaries too loudly!  I am continuing the daily Black Cohosh supplement because I don't mind giving my body help in getting itself sorted out.  But let me tell ya', it is nice to smile a true smile and not just "grit and bear it".

Also, it seemed to take 6 days from the chemo treatment till the side effects wore off.  It has been nice to drink slightly colder than room temperature drinks and to chew without feeling like a million tiny nails were being simultaneously driven into my jaw and up my head. 

I like feeling like myself.  I am curious to see if what happened (side effects, emotions etc) after the first treatment is the same each time OR if by knowing what to expect, I can intervene and with supplements etc. shorten the recovery time?  Who knows?  I'll be sure to keep you posted.

But for today and till my next treatment (9-25) it's nice to be feeling good and happy.  Very nice.

Dragon Donkey

People have been asking how I'm feeling and I figured this was an easy way to disseminate the information.

I have felt weird. I still feel weird.

Thursday was fine.  Energy seemed normal.  I almost felt happy.  I was still very anxious learning to live with a drug attached and pumping into my body and trying to coordinate the black fanny pack with my other black clothes. But for all considered, it was a regular day.

I have had an almost immediate side effect of chemo-induced neuropathy and can only drink room temp or slightly warmer fluids. Anything colder feels like it’s burning my mouth and the back of my throat is very sore.  Eating has been a chore because of the shooting pain through my jaws when I begin to chew (seems to take 5-6 chews before the pain subsides).  The home health nurse said these symptoms should decrease as the days go by. She came to see me and disconnect the 5-FU drug on Friday late morning.  She warned me that my energy levels would kind of bottom out over the next two days as the steroids they administer right before the chemo drugs work their way out of my body.  She said to just take it easy and to listen to my body. 

It could be over just like that!

Snap! It's over. Never to breathe again.  How do you make sense of it? Why do some live on & others are cut down right now? And what do you do?

I learned today of the passing of a former schoolmate. He was only 42. He had just returned from an anniversary weekend with his sweetheart. He was living a charmed life in Hollywood. He died of heart failure. His parents have to bury him. I look at his pictures on Facebook & cannot imagine that the world won't get to see his beaming smile anymore. I weep for the world.

Jay was a soccer player when I was a soccer stat girl. Best job ever in high school! He and his best friend Kirk were inseparable. I remember the two of them smiling, joking, teasing, flirting with me awkwardly (awkward for all of us because we were just learning how) and basically being these bright bursts of joy & energy. They were so much fun to watch on the pitch as well. A lot of fun. It is bittersweet recalling these memories now because Jay has died.

I feel for those left behind as they grieve and work to heal their hearts. I cannot imagine the incredible emptiness & ache they are feeling along with pure shock & bewilderment.

Why? Why him? Why now?

I don't want to write a bunch of cliches as a means of making sense of it. Because you really can't.  What it does is make me pause, celebrate that for a few years I got to be in Jay's beam of energy, and be very thankful & grateful for my life every day. It reminds me to not take for granted those I love nor procrastinate making time to see them, talk to them, and/or write them. Because it could all be over, just like that.  Snap.

One down, 11 to go

I'm home.  Happy to be here even my yappy canines make me smile (for right now anyway, that could change, they are pretty yappy).

Anyway, I have my lovely chemo fanny pack.  I'll be modeling it at this year's Fall Fashion Week in NYC - who wants to help me bedazzle it?  Inside my black chemo fanny pack (black because it's slimming, come on ladies, stay with me) is a baby bottle sized pump that has a balloon style "membrane" which holds the 5-FU medicine.  I personally thought it looked more like a condom than a balloon

Holy Fuck Monsters Batman!

Do you know what it's like to be thrust into a hormonal imbalance?  Waiting every day for it to get better?  Not really knowing if this emotion or that emotion is a side effect of the imbalance or just how it's going to be for the rest of your life?

Well it sucks.  Big. Time.

As regular readers know, one of the unexpected outcomes of my colon cancer surgery was the removal of an ovary that was encased in an endometrial cyst.  It was simply too dangerous to leave in although it was not cancerous.  That action has impacted my life more than anyone could have told me.  The doctors all said in the hospital that the remaining ovary would pick up the slack.  Did they tell me when? 

What she said....

This poem was written by a friend of mine from high school.  She had posted it to her Facebook page and it resonated deeply, to my core,  with me.  I couldn't have written it any better.  I'm putting it here so I can always have a copy and so you can read it too.  Let's discuss, let's explore, let's decide.

Move Me - by Melanie H.

I want to be moved
dammit,
so move me
move me
make me
feel
push me past
my resistance
into that wide open space
give me something
beyond
the ordinary
beyond what you give
to the rest of the world
show me your naked soul
and I will gasp at your beauty
show me your unveiled eyes
and I will weep at your truth
show me your heart
cracked and broken
and I will hold it
with more tenderness
than you could ever possibly
imagine
and if you trust me
if you give me time
I will show you how
those very cracks
make you whole
I crave a depth
uncommon
I crave a meaning
deeper than
surface
I crave a glimpse
of spirit
divine
and I crave a touch
so primal and
earthly that it brings me
to my knees.
you bring me
to my knees.
I want transcendence
I want to be shattered
I want to gasp at the
brilliance of
ordinary moments
and extraordinary times
and these are the most
ordinary
extraordinary times
so shatter me
I want to know the secrets
your bones hold
I want to see drums of passion
beat
behind your fluttering
eyelids
I want to know what moves
you
Where your center lies
and just how far I can go before
I reach the edge
of you.
I want to feel
everything
push myself to feel
more
push myself past the pain
lean hard against discomfort
fight numbness
and complacency and
comfort
in search of
more
in search of this
in search of that blinding
searing
goddess power
to touch the
muse
to break the spell
to move the world
I want to be moved
dammit
so move me.

Port coming soon

The port will be inserted Monday afternoon.  Still waiting on approval from insurance company for chemotherapy treatment which is why I don't have an actual chemo start date yet.  Can you see me rolling my eyes?  Look closely, now can you?

This waiting game is worse than what I used to call "TV time"... the hurry up, get ready, get on set, get mic'd up, seated, adjust the seat, adjust the lighting, okay ready to go.... five mins....... four..... three.... two.... one.... ten seconds down to the floor director just pointing his finger and the red light illuminating on Camera 1...

Celibate, sober & toxic

Bullet points:

IV port to be put in me sometime this week (probably Thursday or Friday, I'm guessing.)  It will be an all day affair and I will be sedated (not intubated, but sedated) so I've got to have someone drive me and stay with me; I'm trying to line that up. 

 

Chemo to start most likely next Tuesday.  They prefer to do chemo Mon or Tues and I have dental appointment Mon, so there you have it.  But Dr.'s assistant will call me with the actual dates. 

 

Lengthy explanation:

That story has ended.

Just when I was worried that my life was going to become even more complicated, poof just like that, the Universe provides.

He dropped by unannounced yesterday.  He told me he had signed his divorce papers; that he had driven by my house every day for the last two weeks (never stopping or calling though); that he thought about me every day and wondered how I was doing; that he knew he had screwed up by not acknowledging my cancer; that he thought I had a new boyfriend when he saw a white truck in my driveway (uh that would be my ex's truck) that he cared about me so much; that he was there for me; and that he was scared. He held me close.  He kissed me.  I told him that I didn't know what to think anymore; that I have cancer and I will be going through chemotherapy and that I don't want to be with someone who isn't 'there for me'.  He said he was glad to see me and see that I was doing well.  He said he would call me today to tell me how it all went with the judge when they submitted their settlement to the courts.  I said okay, good luck.

I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away...

This song is one of my favorites.  It is hauntingly beautiful and timely. I posted a link to this song from youtube in an earlier post; you may have missed it. 

 

But just like with any poetry, some lyrics are relevant and others are not.  Yours to guess which ones hit home.

 

 

Hiding My Heart by Brandi Carlile

Breath of fresh air

It's amazing what an hour-long conversation with my Ladybug can do for my soul.  She had just finished her very first college English course.  She texted me about it and I had to pick up the phone to hear her voice.  She's lucky I didn't FaceTime her right there in the quad.  Anyway, she is doing so well.  Loves her roommate.  Is adjusting (slowly) to the Mississippi heat.  And has met four other students from our region! Go figure!

In one month....

I was diagnosed with cancer.
My grandfather died; I handled all the funeral arrangements in between doctor's appointments.
I had a CT scan, two blood tests, an MRI, and a PET scan.
I learned to love Ambien.
I had a nine-hour surgery to remove more of my colon than originally anticipated, my right ovary and to stop the leaking non-cancerous cyst.
I had an 8-day hospital stay, experienced what it truly means to be invisible.
And my Ladybug left for college leaving a huge hole in my soul.
That's a lot for any sane person much less me.

I received good advice today from a friend who lost her husband to cancer.

No place like home

I'm home. Happily relieved to be here. No more blood to give. No more complimentary "waxings" to receive when they rip the tape off my skin. No more bruises from shots. No more feeling like emotional sandpaper. No more green hospital gowns that wear on me like a tent. Nope, no more.

My sanity savers were my children, my family &  friends, my Fox, and Brandi Carlile's music. Without them, I wouldn't have made it through my 8 days post surgery hospitalization. And there could have very well been a prison sentence for me afterwards with the number of 'care partners' I wanted to kill. But I didn't and there isn't because of my sanity savers.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I will never forget.

Now I wait for post op visits, pathology reports & chemotherapy strategy. I'm okay with all that, because I am home.

It's like waiting for Santa but its not...

The clock ticks. Slowly. I know I should relish this last 'regular' day.  But I'm not.  I'm so aware that tomorrow at noon begins all the prep for surgery.  That wonderful prep.  Actually after midnight tonight, I get to eat nothing and drink only clear liquids.  So you would think that I would be hitting every all-you-can-eat buffet in town, but I'm not. Instead I had some Kombucha and crackers with cheese from Whole Foods. I did have a cookie too because it will be a while before I can eat those again..  Oh and I did have one last soda.  Can't imagine I will be wanting to introduce carbonation to my healing colon for a good while after surgery.  Would hate to get a 'gas leak'... lol I crack myself up.

The waiting is the worst....

Anxiously waiting to hear the results of my PET scan this morning.  Making for a very long day.  Hard to stay focused.  Can't even work on my book...

Ugh!

Update:
Doc called. Nothing additional to report from PET scan: liver good, kidneys pancreas etc good. Cysts in belly fat did not light up. They could see the tumor & there is a small tissue mass near there that they will better be able to figure out what it is when they go in. But for all purposes an 'unremarkable scan' in terms of cancer. Yeah! Sometimes it's okay to be unremarkable.... Have a nice weekend everyone.

Your Shoulders

are
for standing tall,
leaning against,
carrying others,
carrying me,
crying on,
resting on,
nuzzling,
and loving.

My heart thanks you.

A long, long LONG wait today!

I had not planned on spending four hours in small rooms waiting to see doctors today.  No I had planned on arriving, giving blood, smiling and saying "how do you do?" "oh what lovely weather we are having, yes" and "great to meet you too, see you next week on the table"

Instead it was a lot of "hey how much longer do I have to wait to see Dr. so and so?" "Could you let him know I've not had anything to eat and I've been here for one, two, three hours now" 

Let's just say I could have written, directed and starred in my own Snickers Diva commercial without the Snickers.  The waiting/frustration was like being at the DMV amplified 50 times.

Cancer characters

Earlier I posted about the Vocabulary Lesson and I said my tumor was moderately differentiated.  Well there are three categories of tumors: poorly, moderately and well.

Poorly differentiated is the aggressive cancer where the cells don't resemble anything anymore... I envision it's like the Tasmanian Devil whirling about in a frenzy inside your body like he did in the Looney Tunes cartoons of my youth.

So that's what that was all about???

Who knew those night sweats and occasional fevers and weight loss were signs that the cancer was lurking in my colon?

I certainly didn't.

When my doctor friend (who is not treating me) started asking me if I had experienced those things I said "yes but..."

Vocabulary Lesson

"invasive moderately differentiated adenocarcinoma"

that's the first pathology results from the biopsy of the tumor in my colon.

Upon further internet research, it has been determined that I am the virtual daughter of Sigourney Weaver's character in Alien and that I have been the host body for the Invasion of the Body Snatchers XXXIII since Before the Land of Time.  Prognosis is relatively good that Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones will be arriving with their neuralizer (memory eraser) after removing the uninvited and unwanted alien parasite in my colon.  I will be forever marked, stamped and monitored by Big Brother and will have to undergo recurrent extensive examinations on a regular basis.  But I will no longer be a threat to the safety and security of our entire world.  I just wish they were sending John Cusack to save me a la 2012.

And how is your day?

July 18, 2013

I knew he wasn't going to last much longer, but it's still a shock to get that call. You know, the one that starts like this 'we're very sorry to have to tell you but your grandfather has just passed away.'

That's right. At 2 a.m. I got that call.

I am awake now. A little numb. Relieved for him that it's over now. His body was just done even though his brain wasn't. But 97 years is a good run. I hope I make it that long.

As I sit here reflecting about grandpa and why he died now instead of hanging on for another couple of months, one thought comes to mind: he died so I can focus on my own health & not have the stress of taking care of him too. You see, readers, the doctors found a tumor in my colon yesterday.  I will be having surgery in the next few weeks to remove it. I think grandpa gave me a gift in his own way. It's like he has said, "thank you for caring for me and handling my affairs. Now you just focus on doing what it takes to heal from your surgery & knock the cancer out."

I say back to him, "thank you. And I hope you are resting peacefully."

Godspeed, Grandpa.

Sky lanterns, s'mores & sunsets

Well readers our vacation ends tomorrow. It has been great. Three & a half books read (make that 4 out of 5 books brought to the lake!), another 1,000 words written, tan lines just shy of sunburns gotten, bottle of vodka polished off, countless spectacular crashes off the donut/kneeboarding/wakeboard & jet ski, new friends made & old ones rekindled. All in all a great week. Our weather couldn't have been any more beautiful either. Hate that it is coming to an end but, alas, it is. *sigh*.

I have an 8 hour drive ahead of me tomorrow, so I best go for now. Hope you enjoyed relaxing with us.
Back to our regularly scheduled programming Monday.
Peace,
~the Philosopher

Just another post

Pic is from a park in Three Rivers & also of the lake... Can you guess which is which?

Some fun is better left for the kids...

Why I thought it was a good idea to go tubing yesterday, I will never know! I'm paying for it today with extremely sore shoulders, triceps & biceps! I think I will stick to driving the jet skis only!

I doubt my boys are sore though from their successful kneeboarding & wake boarding yesterday. So exciting to see them have so much fun.

(I wonder if there is a Amish massage therapist in this town? Ha ha ha)

I'm making lots of little moans and grunts today but not the fun kind...

Serenity

No need for endless descriptions... But it is simply serene here.

Walk continues

It is really frustrating to post from my phone so I split the pictures up. Here are the rest from our walk.
Enjoy.

Take a walk with me

 

The following pictures are things you would see if you went on a walk with me here at the lake house.  It is extremely humid today; we are expecting a little rain later. Perfect conditions to write & relax.
Enjoy the pictures of our walk together.

2-1 bad guys

As we were leaving the Chicago Fire soccer game (which we lost), the Sage says, "Well that was like watching Shakespeare in the Park with all the acting going on."

He makes me laugh. And because of that, I will forgive him for waking me up at 6:30 a.m. to ask when we were going to ride the jet skis. I reminded him gently that I was on vacation & would get up when I got up. He apologized and crept out of my room.

Other than the too early wake up, it is wonderful to be in Sturgis, Michigan with their lakes, their Amish, their inexpensive tasty food & their expensive gasoline. And apparently the town's Internet has improved -we've got 3G!

All right then, time to go swimming.
More updates later.

To go box

Buffalo pork wings & half price sangria make the Philosopher happy on vacation.

F.I.R.E.

Internet is good in Chicago.

Vacation

Dear readers,
The Philosopher, the Rockstar and the Sage (along with the Sage's best friend) are heading off to Chicago and then the lake house for vacation. We will return in a week. Internet service is sketchy at the lake house so postings will be infrequent. I will try though if something hits me that can't wait & the Internet gods comply simultaneously. However, I plan on reading & doing a lot of writing, swimming & jet skiing, long walks & napping. Below are some pictures from prior trips to the lake. You can see why we go every year.
Until next week then,
~the Philosopher

P.S. The link below is another song by Brandi Carlile that I wanted to share... The message is definitely relevant to me. If you haven't added this singer/songwriter to your music library, then do so without haste. I'm bummed that my vacation occurs at the same time as her concert in my lil' hamlet. But I will see her one day. It's on my bucket list. I will be listening to her over & over at the lake imagining  that I am at the concert too.


Hiding My Heart

I do watercolors

Ever drink Bailey's from a shoe?

Some very dear friends shared this with me the other night and we laughed and laughed... I think the most fun was listening to them do their best Old Gregg impressions... that and a lot of plum wine!

Here is a link to another youtube sensation that I only recently learned about it... courtesy of one night when the Rockstar was chasing down a foul ball at his baseball game... he went running by and said "ain't nobody got time for that" and everyone laughed.  I said "what is he talking about?" and the other parents got their phones out and promptly showed me the following link:
Ain't nobody got time for that

Both of these videos make me smile and laugh out loud!  At least now I know what people are referring to when they say, "ain't nobody got time for that" and "do you love me?"

Enjoy.

On someone's mind?

Did this mean Fox was thinking of me yesterday? Was the Universe giving me a sign? I don't know, really. Could have been a coincidence or it could have been intended...

It was a beautiful night as 40-50,000 people made the arch grounds their chosen location to view the fireworks. As I maneuvered the crowd with my kids in tow vainly searching for four square feet of grass to sit on, I looked up and directly in front of me was a young military man wearing a t-shirt with the name of the location where my Fox is currently residing. I was speechless. The movement of the crowd dictated that I kept on searching for grass. And soon the t-shirt was out of sight.

Second instance was after the fireworks show as we ambled towards the light rail system, I smelled the fragrance of Fox's cologne. It came at me really light, then stronger, then faded away. I looked to see which one of the possible people around me could be wearing it. No way to tell but I was grateful to be smelling that versus the possible smells of trash, sweaty armpits & tired fair goers.

And thirdly, and this made me chuckle inside.... We came upon the light rail station and I noticed the line was getting long but was very orderly... I thought my Fox would be surprised at how nicely the brazen, independence-day-celebrating Americans were forming a civilized queue.

I don't know if he was thinking of me or not, but the Universe was & for that, I am grateful.

Celebrate. Independence.

A little yard work, a little house work, a little shopping, a little pool time before celebrating with fireworks tonight...that's how we roll.

Because we have a beautiful life....

Dream Weaver

So last night I had the strangest dream... I was in college, again, and had my schedule sorted but I was there with my kids, living in the dorm and my ex was there too (although he was in a different dorm).  Naturally, in my dream I was not able to make it to my honors English class because I had to deal with some situation regarding my children.  It was all entirely believable and real... in my dream that is!

I have had the college-themed dream before but this was the first time my children were involved.  And usually the dream revolves around an exam that I'm supposed to take but that I haven't studied for or have never been to the class the whole term and am scrambling to drop the class or to find the class to fake my way through the test.  (BTW, I graduated from college over 20 years ago!)  I have realized over the years that these college-themed dreams usually happen when I'm am feeling some sort of stress in my life.

And when I have these dreams, I try to take a moment to address whatever is stressing me.  In this instance I believe I am stressed over a few things.  Here is what I think they are (in no particular order):
1) My Ladybug heading off to college in less than two months AND the college bill arriving in one month;
2) Acting as my infirm grandfather's power of attorney, waiting for his death and dealing with my extended family who just want to get their hands on their inheritance now;
3) Having to make repairs around the house that if I weren't single, a husband would handle.  But since I am, it's going to cost me $$ and contractors & repairmen always seem to jack the price up when they know it's a single lady... so I'm worried about the cost;

and

4) Latest bombing in Kabul... makes me worry about my Fox and his safety as he keeps the world safe for all of us.  I hate that the human race, even with centuries of precedents that intolerance and hatred are not the best course of action for our species, continues to perpetuate that cycle, leaving men (like my Fox) and women having to put their lives on the line to rein in that intolerance and hatred.

So, hopefully, in acknowledging what is causing me stress I can address them and/or eliminate them.  It certainly does me no good to ignore them.  I will simply have a dream where not only am I late for the exam but I will be naked too!  Wait that's not a dream that is a nightmare!!!

What sort of dreams do you have when you're stressed?  Feel free to share.

Before midnight - Updated with my reactions

Headed out to finally see this movie. It's only playing on two screens here, but at least it's playing.  I will share my opinions when I return.  But until then here is a link to my favorite song to sing karaoke... What are yours?

Paradise by the Dashboard Light by Meatloaf

Update:
I thoroughly enjoyed Before Midnight.  Thoroughly. The dialogue, the writing was just amazing.  I loved how real and raw the conversations were between Jesse and Celine.  They said things that so many people in relationships are afraid to say but that they think all the time.  The vulnerability they portrayed was so real and so refreshing.  I have read a few reviews in the blog-o-sphere and by far every one has raved about how great this movie is.  But there are a few who feel let down because the glittery-hopeful-romantic-fairy magic that was present in the first two movies is not there this time.  Maybe it's the age of the reviewers that lead to their disappointment.  I am the age of Celine and Jessie.  I am the "middle aged woman with a fat ass losing her hair" as Celine described herself.  I have been divorced.  I know the pain of ending relationships.  And I welcomed the complete honesty & vulnerability that these characters portrayed.  Seeing them struggle to stay sane, to stay passionate, to find a personal balance, to strike hard and fast with their words and to see them not abandon ship as a first reaction to those words fits in with my seasoned and 'wiser?' romantic view of life. 

I applaud the lowest grossing trilogy of all time in their pursuit of showing what life became for Celine and Jesse... for being willing to disappoint our romantic notions of a movie couples' "happily ever after" but at the same time giving hope that love can endure.  I hope they keep talking and bringing us their insightful, clever dialogue in future installments.  I hope Celine and Jesse keep fighting for their love and not become the lyrics in the Meatloaf song referenced above in this post... "So now I'm praying for the end of time so I can end my time with you..."  I believe Celine & Jesse will prevail.

So glad I finally got to see it.  Happy girl here.

If only my premonitions were useful...

Today I woke up to a Facebook posting by The Rockstar that, lately, he has been faced with making all sorts of decisions, that it has been tough and that he might be moving.

I sat straight up and stared at my little iPhone screen, shocked.  WTF?! 

I called his father.  No answer.

I called him.  No answer.

I ran into Ladybug's room and woke her up demanding if she knew about Rockstar's plan to move.  She groggily denied any knowledge.  I fluttered from room to room.  I texted his father.

I called Rockstar again.  He called back.

I told him what I saw on Facebook.  I asked him WTF is he thinking? He said he wants to grow up with his dad.  I reminded him that his father due to his job is only there for two weeks every thirty days.  Rockstar replied that he knew that but if he were living out there, he wouldn't have to wait a week to see his dad.  I was hurt.  I still am. Hours after this conversation, the bleeding hasn't stopped.

I told him that I shouldn't have found out via Facebook and that this was a conversation between his father and me and to tell his dad to call me when he woke up.

Ten years!  Ten years!  I said to myself in the mirror.  I have taken care of him when his father left.  I have made sure he got to school, played sports, got to the doctor/dentist/orthodontist/counselor.  I have gone to every school function I could attend, cheered loudly for him from the sidelines of every game he played in, celebrated his wins and consoled his losses.  I have laughed and cried with him.  I protected his father's reputation and made sure that he developed a relationship with him. I have put my life on hold to make sure I do what's best for him and my other two children.  His text response was:  "... more opportunities for me to grow up and become a man out here..." that it wasn't about me, that he loved me and always would.  blah blah blah

His father called.  He does not agree with Rockstar.  He thinks Rockstar should continue to live with me, not change his permanent address and when he is in town Rockstar can come stay with him.  I was relieved to know I was not being ambushed. 

My friends say for me not to take any of it personally, that it is just a function of his age (14) and that Rockstar will realize how much he does like it at home.

I replied that I try not to take it personally but after the years of many difficult conversations I have had with my children when they were extolling the virtues of being with their dad and his wife and her extended family because "that's what a family really is and we don't have that with you," it is very hard.  Christmas 2011 my children chose to leave me alone so they could spend it with their step-mom and her family even though their father was NOT going to be there due to work. That was the loneliest Christmas I have ever experienced.  I still hurt from that.  And today's Facebook posting, subsequent conversations and text message with Rockstar resurrected that hurt and tore off any bandages I had. Yes, the bleeding continues.

I have done the best I could for ten years.  I tried to have them understand that our little four-person unit was a family and that we needed to love and protect each other. 

I can't write any more on this right now.  In a day or so, when I have regained perspective, I'll continue. But for now, all I can say is I wish my gut feelings (like those referenced in the posting A new normal) could be put to use in picking out winning lottery numbers instead of predicting heartbreak. 

Tourniquet anyone?  Anyone?

Over a thousand thank yous!!

I just got word from blogger.com that my little blog here, my collection of thoughts, ramblings, perspectives, humor, and personal insights has reached over a thousand views! Wow!

So thank you to each and every one of you who has helped make that possible. I hope you come back often and enjoy what you read here helping The Minivan Philosopher reach 5, 10, 15 thousand+ views!

(Not bad for a blog that doesn't publicize itself so thank you for stumbling upon it & sticking around.)

A thousand plus thank yous!

Stereotypes

Just returned from a quick visit (1500 miles in 3 days!) down South for college orientation for my Ladybug. Saw this in the parking lot and had to share with y'all.  Some people are not helping break the southern redneck stereotype driving vehicles like this. Even with that said, it made me smile hope it does you too.

From the E to the I to the P

This post might ramble a little bit dear readers.  Please bear with me though...

I've been thinking a lot about why the Before Sunrise/Sunset/Midnight movie trilogy ranks as one of my favorites of all time (Aside... Before Midnight opens tomorrow in my town!  I must see it and soon!)  I believe it's because the connection between these characters occurs on multiple levels.  They connect emotionally and intellectually as well as physically.  But they are also not without faults - faults the other partner must learn to accept because it is part of who they love.  I believe I am drawn to this movie because this is how I see want my relationships to be.  I have to connect the E-I-P dots or its not going to work out between us.  For regular readers you know that those dots made a brilliant-shooting-star-covered-in-gold-dust connection for me and My Fox and before that with Mike.  There have been others who have floated in and out in my last ten years as a single person but they either only had the E or the P or maybe just the I but not all three.  Only my Fox and Mike have hit all three.  And since I have had that with them, I hold out for that again.  I look for it.  If it's not there then there's no use in pursuing anything further.  

I did try recently to ignore my E-I-P criteria when accepting the invitation for a dinner date.  It was a lovely meal and the conversation was good.  401K man (that is his nickname) was very nice.  He is recently divorced and well-educated and has a good heart.  But something nagged at me during the dinner and the dancing afterwards, like it wasn't a completely good fit between us.  I reflected on our interactions trying to figure out what was missing.  He asked me out again a few more times and I accepted because I thought "here is an extremely nice man, let me give it another chance; maybe I'm just being shallow."  401K did nothing wrong.  He said all the right things, texted me at the right times, took me to nice restaurants and brought me flowers.  After the third date, I revealed to him that I was getting over a broken heart and that I wasn't ready to open my heart (or my legs) to anyone at this time.  He seemed to be very understanding.  He even asked me to lunch another time after my broken heart revelation.  I reminded him at lunch that I just wasn't in a place to date seriously; that I was especially cautious of getting close to anyone.  And I apologized.  I have not heard from him since and I am okay with that.  401K and I could talk but we didn't connect on the E nor the P levels.  And my subconscious does not allow me to ignore levels nor to disregard the importance of those levels to me. 

I dated another man several years ago between Mike vers 1.0 and 2.0; I call him the Chef.  The Chef was a great boyfriend.  Even though we connected on the E & the P we did not on the I.  This was evident early on in our relationship and I knew that the Chef was not going to be a long-term boyfriend for me.  We had a great summer but when he wanted to introduce me to his children, I told him that I couldn’t do that.  I ended our relationship then because I didn’t want to hurt his kids along with hurting him when I moved on and I knew I would be moving on because we were not matched intellectually and that would always be a strike against him.  (that’s one hell of a run-on sentence for such a bright girl!)

There were a few more but I’m not going to go into all of the examples or reasons for each one.  Suffice it to say they did not hit the E-I-P hat trick with me.

Mike and My Fox both hit the hat trick which makes their absence from my life harder but it also holds the standard for any future relationship.

I want to be able to always talk to my partner, to find him fascinating and intriguing and funny and Intellectually compatible with me.  I want to be able to share my Emotions, be vulnerable in my heart and soul knowing my partner is holding it all gently and cradling them in his own heart and soul and vice versa.  I want to always have the passion to kiss my partner deeply, to be flirty and to be sexually compatible in our desires, fantasies, kinks and explorations.  Physically, we just have to fit. 

So my quest for the E-I-P continues.  I’m grateful that I know what I’m looking for and am no longer just flapping in the wind.  Until all the pieces come together, you can find me at the movies reveling in two characters whose pieces fit and fit well. 

Readers, feel free to share your own examples of when it worked and/or didn’t work for you. 

Music to a writer's ears...

Sometimes a little encouragement goes a long way...

I recently sent to a respected colleague and friend what I have written so far on my book (current working titles: 4199 or Travel by M.A.P.) and he responded quite favorably. 

Respected colleague: Hey - excellent story.
Respected colleague: Sorry for delay.
Respected colleague: You are real talent. This is as good or better as any I've seen
The Philosopher: You're not just saying that because you are my friend?
Respected colleague: No. This is really good.
.....
followed by:
The Philosopher: glad you liked it on a cerebral as well as physical level lol
Respected colleague: yeah. no flattery, this is just good.
The Philosopher: well if you ever want to read just my random blog postings about my life etc... you can visit minivanphilosopher.blogspot.com
Respected colleague: One of things i like is a very, very good flow. No stall-outs. It has a really good pace, but still gives good detail.
.....
followed by:
Respected colleague: When did you start?
The Philosopher: thinking about this idea? last summer
The Philosopher: really writing it - mid-april
Respected colleague: ok
Respected colleague: well you a serious talent, for sure.
The Philosopher: thanks - it's good to hear that
Respected colleague: Reading it, it's like you've had it inside you for a while and you're relieved to release it. Does that make sense? When I read it, it kind of felt like it had been shot out of a cannon
Respected colleague: Like it had been waiting for a long time
....
then a few more quick exchanges about the writing process and then on to a general discussion about life.

BUT I am so excited to receive this encouragement to continue and that it really is that good.  It has re-energized me because I haven't written anything additional in about a week.  I was experiencing a bit of a block which feels remarkably like it has evaporated!

You know, dear readers, encouraging words are oftentimes the kindest words in the universe!

Thank you respected colleague and dear friend, thank you!
I will continue.

Seeing Red

I saw red.  It made me smile. 
I liked it. A lot. 
You knew I would.

A new normal is coming our way... can I cope?

So I've been single for over 10 years now raising my three kids practically on my own.  (However, I have been blessed to have had a great support system and 'village' that has kept me sane and been positive influences on my kids.)  Their father moved a few states away when he left and has a job that keeps him away from his home 30 days at a time.  Therefore, my children have not spent a whole lot of time with their dad in the last ten years.  But that's all about to change.

He and his wife have recently bought a home 45 minutes away from me.  Circumstances with his wife's ex have made it possible for them to come live here.  My kids are super excited.  I am mixed emotionally.

What is pleasing about their move:
1) Having more regular breaks from parental responsibility.  The last ten years I have had the children 99.9999% of the time.  And it wasn't easy having a newborn, 4-year old and 8-year old with no regular breaks.  Of course now they are 10, 14 and 18 so things are remarkably different and 'easier' (I say that in quotes because although it is physically easier, it is emotionally/mentally just as tough.)

2) Children get to see their father more frequently.  Because now he will be spending his time off work with his kids in the same state.  And during the summer time, the kids can be with him the whole time he is home and he can run them to their ball games and practices and dental appointments and doctor visits and buy their shoes and feed them.  (Oh my it will be nice to save a few dollars!!!)  And they can build memories together and strengthen their bonds by more frequent visits that last longer than 48 hours over random weekends.

3) Saving money.  Because they will be with their dad more, I will spend less on food, gas, shampoo, soap, toothpaste, laundry detergent and toilet paper (and significantly reduce the amount of times I find myself staring at an empty toilet paper holder because the children don't EVER change the roll! That, my dear readers, is going to end up a blog posting all it's own!!!)

What has my heart heavy about their move:
1) Although the kids will go to their dads, I will still have the dogs to take care of...  and I have not been successful in getting my ex to take the dogs along with the kids.  So I won't be completely fancy-free when they are at their dad's because my two canines will need my attention.

2) Having to see how much 'fun' they have with their dad and how he can be entirely devoted to them because he won't have to work when he is in town.  A positive trade-off to the fact that he's gone 30 days at a time.  I try to keep it in perspective but it does sting a little when they jump around full of excitement when they get to go be with him and his wife and their stepbrother and stepsisters.  They are instantly like the Brady Bunch.  And then they come home to boring, routine mom who has to work and it's just the four of us.  I hope they realize when they are older that I did the best I could for them with the circumstances I was left. 

I know the benefits are going to outweigh my nagging insecurities.  I guess the last ten years, the kids didn't really have a choice on which parent they were going to be with so, by default, they got me.  Now with him living here, they will be with him more frequently and it's possible that they could choose him over me. 

Maybe that's what's really bothering me? Potentially, not being the one who is chosen... hmmm... now that I've figured that out, I know which insecurity to start tackling, you know, while they are at their dad's.

Waiting to Exhale

I learned today that my daughter, the Ladybug, is smoking cigarettes.  She is 18 so she can legally purchase them and smoke them.  However, I am sincerely disappointed in her.  I thought she knew better.

I used to smoke.  It has been 11 years since I smoked.  I quit each time I got pregnant. I started back up after the first two kids though because my husband smoked too.  However when the Sage was born, my husband and I were separated and I didn't resume smoking.  I didn't want my newborn baby boy to smell the cigarette smoke on my skin when I nursed him.  I didn't want him inhaling second hand smoke.  Didn't think it was fair to him.  It was easier than I expected to not smoke.  There have been a few times in the last 11 years that I have puffed on a cigarette; however the last time was about 7 years ago.  That time when I took a drag it made me physically sick.  I have not had a drag since.

My ex-husband still smokes and so does his wife.  I told Ladybug to reflect on why she started smoking and address that issue instead of continuing to smoke.  I told her I was disappointed in her, that I thought she loved herself more than that to be a smoker.  She said she started smoking last summer and that she liked the buzz it gives her (doesn't everyone, that's why we keep smoking, duh!) and that she would quit eventually but that it wasn't going to be today or tomorrow.  She then said that she believes that you only live once (YOLO in text speak) and she wasn't going to keep herself from experiencing things that are here on earth.  Then she gave me some lame excuse that at least she wasn't smoking crack, drinking or doing heroin.  She also tried to make me feel better by saying her smoking was not proof that I failed as a parent.  I laughed uncomfortably and said this was not about me, but about her choices and how disappointed I am in them.

This was not a fun conversation.  I repeated my plea that she think long and hard about this expensive path of self sabotage she was on and that she make the decision to quit now before it becomes too difficult.  She just looked at me.  I could tell by the look in her eyes that she had checked out of our conversation.  So I stood up and said to her, "well I can tell you no longer care about anything I'm saying."  She said nothing and just looked through me. 

I let her father know.  He is devastated as well.

Sigh, oh Ladybug, I hope you come to your senses before it's too late.