Ten! Ten! Ten!

Ten done. Two more.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
More later. Tired.

Eye Candy

Had a wonderful time last night conversing and catching up with a friend I hadn't seen in a year or so.  We laughed, shared stories, & perspectives on life.  He could relate to my anxiety about my hair loss because he had experienced that himself this year when he was taking some medication.  We both have been blessed with thick manes of hair.  He was understanding and complimentary on my current coiffure; he said he likes it short and sassy.  I smiled at him, a lot, and told him I was planning to keep it short and sassy even after chemo is over and my hair starts to grow back.

We talked about relationships.  The state of current ones, past ones and what we want future ones to be like.  He is someone I have always been able to be open with and enjoy talking to.  We have had some interesting conversations at our kids' athletic practices and games. However, this was the first time we had met outside of the athletic realm.  And it was nice.  Very nice.

Funny thing is (and he doesn't know this), I first saw him ten years ago.   He was pitching for our kids' Tee Ball game.  My response was "who is that???" Let me tell you, I thoroughly enjoyed that year's baseball season.  It was nice to have a little eye candy to make Little League baseball more palatable.

I first met him about four or five years ago.  I didn't realize who he was until after a few fun, flirty conversations.  Then my memory was jogged and I was like "that's the Little League Eye Candy Dad!!"  But now he was divorced, single and flirty, oh so flirty.  Yeah!!! I was doing the internal happy dance but cool as a cucumber on the outside. 

So we flirted and chatted for the last four years at our sons' practices and games.  When he wasn't at practice or a game, I would be disappointed - no flirting that day.  And if I weren't there, he always would ask my son "hey, where's your mom?"  Which my son would dutifully report back to me.

But all we've done is flirt and tease for five years!  Perhaps now that our communications have progressed beyond the athletic fields, maybe the friendship will too.  Lord knows, I wouldn't mind a closer, much closer look at this eye candy!  And he's just a super person on top of all that.

However, if we are to remain flirty friends only, that's okay.  We do it quite well.

How do I weed them out?

So I took the Sage's advice and have had a profile up on an internet dating site (and no it's not christianmingle.com).  Of course there has been interest.  A lot. This time when I filled out my profile, I was quick and to the point.  I know from experience in years past, that men don't really respond to the words you've written but more to the pictures you post.  And to have even more fun with it, I posted a few pics of my dog because most of the male profiles included at least one pic of their dog.  And I have gotten positive comments on those pictures too.

The response is incredible.  But more in a quantity not a quality way.  I have also posted my desired age range which 75% of the responders have completely ignored.  I am not ready nor interested in dating 10-15 years above my own age.  I even had a 73 year old send me a wink.  Seriously? (I doubt he was a billionaire b/c he wouldn't be needing an internet dating site to find suitable women.) I thought if I would make a note about my age preferences, those not falling into that category would leave me alone.  I was wrong.  However, I do not bother to reply to their messages or likes or winks or nudges or offers of marriage, because if they can't respect my one simple boundary of 'age preference' what other boundaries of mine will they ignore or dismiss? 

Don't get me wrong.  It's been more entertaining than a bother or a burden.  And who doesn't need something to entertain them when they're connected to a chemo bottle for 3 days out of every 14?  However, that part of my life will be over soon and I am looking forward to "Life After Cancer/Chemo" (or LAC/C if you want to shorten it.) Because as I heal, feel better, and the earth warms up I am going to want to be a social creature again.  And by using the internet dating site, I do expand my search of what's available and on offer.

However, what I haven't been able to figure out is how to weed out the effeminate men and to avoid even going on one date with them.  I have had three such lunch dates and each time, I'm thinking "how does he know he's not gay??"  I know, I know there are straight men who are effeminate but they are not my type.  I need, want, and desire a man. One whose balls are bigger than mine! One who when he looks at me there is such a passion and desire on his face and I can tell he's thinking about what he's going to do to me later versus he really likes my outfit.  I'm a strong woman and I need to be matched with a strong man.  I know that.  But somehow I haven't asked the right questions beforehand or something...

And I don't wish to be rude when we are at lunch or coffee or having a quick drink by blurting out "are you sure you're not gay?"  Fortunately, I have been able to control my chemo brain in those instances.

So what do I ask?  How can I weed them out?  Any and all suggestions are welcome.


1/27/14 Hilarious update: Went to a first date brunch yesterday and yet again, another man who gave me the gay vibes.  This one though wasn't effeminate but he goes to the gym 5 days a week - no other "hobbies", had an earring in one ear and although attractive, it just felt like he was covering up his gayness by going on dates with women.  He was nice but I won't see him again.  So the saga and the search continues... at least it's fun and entertaining (for my readers as well!).

Boys to Men

There was a small pile in the hall outside the Sage's room. I asked him what the pile was for, why was it there? He replied, "To donate to Goodwill, Mom."  I said "Oh that's right, Thursday, yes."

I looked closely at what he was giving away. It was clearly things he didn't need anymore. I got a little choked up when I saw the Spider-man sheets & the Scooby-Doo pillowcases. I don't have any more little boys in the house. Ones who would run & jump from couch to chair or who would fly from room to room with action figures in their hands & superhero capes fastened to their Jammie's. No more little boys asking to watch Shrek or Monster House for the millionth time. Or who would stand atop their red wagon outside belting out Sonia Dada's "lover lover you don't treat me no good no more" because I played it too many times while driving the minivan. No more little boys who were thrilled to receive a balloon for no reason or who collected Yu-Gi-Oh cards or built elaborate cities first with their Thomas the Train sets and then next with their Legos.  No more little boys who instinctually held my hand when walking with me or who didn't think twice about kissing me good night.  And who very innocently declared that I must have been the girl James Blunt was singing about in his song, "You're Beautiful".

No somehow, someway when my head was turned or I was napping on the couch, my little boys grew up. They have bigger beds now to hold their bigger feet. They watch MTV2 & laugh uncontrollably. They Facebook & Twitter & Instagram. They play hard and sing loudly "their songs" not mine.

But even though they're growing up, they still hug me, still talk to me about everything (and I mean EVERYTHING!). They don't hold my hand when crossing the street but they put their arms out to stop me from getting hit by the car "that just appeared out of nowhere." They listen to me as I go through chemo & do what they can to ease my pain or discomfort. We laugh & joke & cry together.  But instead of them only leaning on my shoulders, we lean on each other's.

Yes I am a bit sad that my little boys are gone, but I love the men they are becoming.  And so I move the donation pile to the front door for Thursday. It's okay. It's all okay.

2/3 of the way there - #9 done, 3 more.

Just a cancer update for my readers....
Still cold as a mother here in St. Louis.  I've gotten used to wearing a million layers of clothing and hats and gloves and jackets and on and on...  I am looking forward to this all being done and seeing warmer weather come springtime.

My last chemo session knocked me out for two days.  I expected it to though.  A positive for me though was they reduced the amount of oxiliplantin drug that I get.  This was done to reduce the neuropathy side effects.  My doctor said that I receive the most benefit from the drug during the earlier treatments; that it is most effective then that it is okay to reduce it now with only 3 left to go.  He is looking at minimizing the long-term effects of the neuropathy.  I say "Amen to that!"

All my blood work was good and my potassium levels were up too.  I have been really diligent about eating a banana every morning.  My doctor said I should eat two!  I said okay.  And picked up two more bunches today.

I also increased the amount of B vitamins I'm taking.  I didn't know they were good for mood stabilization too; helps fight off chemo-induced depression.  It's too early to tell but I seem to have a better sense of emotional well-being right now.

I'm thrilled at the response to my call for walkers and donations for the Cancer Support Community's walk.  It warms my soul.  I look forward to walking with such great friends on Saturday, May 17th!

Anyway, I'm watching the weather, watching my side effects, counting down the days (more exciting than waiting for Christmas day!), buying smaller and smaller clothes (yeah!!!) and trying my best to stay sane throughout it all.  Doing. My. Best.

Look at it with me.

She whispered to me, "Are you looking at the moon?"  I shook my head no. 

She said "Look at it.  Look at it with me." 

I didn't want to look at the moon.  I didn't want to be reminded of the distance between us.  "I'm in bed already," I replied.  And I was. I was snuggled up with my duvet around my neck.  If I got out of bed, the cold air would hit me, another sharp reminder of our distance.  I had had too many reminders of that lately.

"I love looking at the moon," She replied smiling at me.  "It is so beautiful and full tonight.  I can't keep my eyes off it."   "Please, Fox, just come to the window and look at it quickly.  You will be blown away."

"Okay," I replied hesitantly. "But it's gonna be quick. It's so cold."

"Thank you," she whispered.  She looked at me with her big blue eyes and wrinkled her nose like an excited young girl. "Come now, come. Look.  What do you think?"

I got out of bed, hurried to my window.  I pushed back the curtains and twisted my head upwards.  There it was shining brightly against the black sky, the moon.  And it was full. I stood there looking at it for minutes.  I tried to look away but my eyes wanted to see more of it.  My heart wanted to gaze on it forever.  My soul warmed under the light of the moon.  I didn't notice the cold.

"What do you think?" She asked again.  "Isn't it beautiful?"

"Yes, it is. So very much." I replied. 

"You know, when I look at the moon, I see love.  It's like my love for you flows up to the moon and then she beams it back down on you and vice versa.  And for a while, I am bathed in your shining love." she said.

"But we are so distant and have been.  How can you feel my love?" I asked her without taking my gaze off the moon.

"I just do.  I don't know how to explain it other than love is one of those wondrous gifts of the universe and the moon makes sure lovers feel it.  We can be miles and miles apart but we always see the same moon."  She paused while she returned her gaze upward.

"And," she continued, "when we look at the moon at the same time, our love is shared instantly.  No waiting till it gets dark or adjusting for time differences.  It's right then, right there, the moon beaming to each of us."  She smiled and wiped a tear.

I looked at her.  I looked at the moon.  It was shining so bright, I could see for miles in the dark.  I hadn't ever thought of the moon as beaming love to the world, much less her love for me being beamed straight to me.  I liked it.  I smiled.  I reached my hand up to the moon and touched the window pane.  "I'm touching her with my love," I thought.  "She feels it."

"Thank you for looking at the moon with me tonight, for listening and for beaming your love to me," she said with a toss of her head and a smile.  "I have gathered it up and am storing it for the future."

I looked at her smiling face and kissed it.  I didn't know what else to say; I just gazed at her.  I didn't notice the distance.  For this moment it was gone.  There was just her, myself, the moon and our love.

"Let's look again tomorrow, yes?" I said.

"And every night." she whispered.

Good days...

How should we like it were stars to burn

With a passion for us we could not return?

If equal affection cannot be,

Let the more loving one be me.

~Wystan Hugh Auden

Black and white, shades of grey.  Faded greens, red fires burning.  Deepest blue, steps into the soul.

A million lights of love fill us from the moment we are born until death.  Every act of love keeps a light burning, every smile, every laugh, every squeeze-kiss-hug.  Every hurt, instilled or received, snuffs one light.  How do you want your last days to be?  Full of light shining forth brightly overflowing with love?  Or void of that light, shuffling, muttering, scowling, the human vacuum, no peace till death?  I ask because no one knows when their time is up.  We are living our last days every day.

Super weird, new normal or an anomaly?

Nine weeks left. 
I have managed to survive this week's polar vortex (for those not in St. Louis - 12 inches of snow, 20 below zero wind chills, more snow, more freezing temps and now 7 hours of rainfall...).  I have worn lots of layers, got me some fancy silk long underwear that has really been worth the $$ I spent.  I used up almost all of my "toe warmers" as I couldn't leave the house without them.

Thankfully, I have three able-bodied children who did shovel the snow so we could get out of the house.  There was no way I was picking up a shovel!