24 hours

That's all that's left till I start my 12th & final chemo treatment. I honestly never thought I'd get here in one piece with any sanity left. But I am and there's a few marbles still rattling about my brain, thankfully.

One more set of days where I feel physically awful. Just one more. Then you, my readers, will get to read about my wonderful recovery journey. Can't wait? Me neither.

Cheers!

9 days! and a few other thoughts

Nine days left... can't believe it.  Feeling almost euphoric about it that my chemo side effects, although still very annoying, are not bringing me down.  I have been dealing with chemo hot flashes the last few days and the sneezing has started too.  All part and parcel with a human body working to heal itself.  I have been sooo amazed at the resilience that is inherent in each of us.  I have worked hard to give my body the best shot too taking multitudes of vitamins, supplements, rest, exercise (when possible) and avoiding foods that will cancel out all the good things I'm doing.  I heard from a 10-year colon cancer survivor that eating an egg (complete with the yolk) each day was a great way to combat chemo brain.  So in addition to my daily banana I added a hard-boiled egg.  Not sure if I'm simply enjoying the placebo effect or if it really works but through these last six (number seven and final next week) treatments, I have not felt the fogginess or lacked the ability to concentrate.  The emotions still ebb and flow but they, too, don't seem out of control.  However, I do have a funny recent (and I'm going to say chemo brain related) incident that happened that I want to share.

I prefer to eat a hard-boiled egg every day but I had run out.  So on Sunday last, I had to boil some to restock my stash.  I put a dozen in a pot on the stove and went back to lay down on the couch.  I got seriously distracted because 30 minutes later when I remembered the eggs on the stove, all the water had boiled away and my little eggs were cracking up!  I rolled my eyes at the irony.  I was able to salvage them all and they weren't burnt (thankfully!).  I still laugh at it.  Note to self: boil eggs while remaining in the kitchen. 

Tonight I get to see the Avett Brothers in concert.  I am very excited.  I have included a link to one of their songs from the last time they were here.  I hope you enjoy it too.  It's got a powerful message.

Souls like Wheels

Anyway thanks for stopping by and reading.  Next time I will tell you about the absolutely surreal valentine's day and weekend... still trying to wrap my head around it!
More later :-)

14 & counting

Fourteen days from now I will have finished 12 chemo treatments over seven months. I pray that means I will be done with cancer too! I will celebrate cautiously as to not jinx my first CT scan results post chemo. My oncologist said I've done very well, better than a lot of people he sees. I just shake my head because I can't imagine how I would have gotten through if I felt any worse. So this weekend, it's about resting & flushing these toxins from my body. My body has been a workhorse through this thing; I just ask her to get through one more.

Now let's see what's available on Netflix....

Number 11 done!!

Home from chemo treatment 11. Tired, feeling a little nauseated, having chemo hot flashes & my legs are tingling from the brief time I was outside. It's a gorgeous day but I think I gotta miss it. Oh well only 16 more days!!!

Talk to you later, dear readers!

The wonderful world of a cancer patient's medical bills

Dear readers:
Below is a copy of the letter I sent to SLUCare... we'll see if I get any response.
******

2/12/14

An Open Letter to SLUCare CEO, Gary Van House:

Dear Mr. House:

You don’t know me but I am currently a cancer patient receiving chemotherapy treatment for stage 3A colon cancer at St. Louis University Cancer Center.   Why does this matter to you , you ask,  and why am I writing you?

I am writing because your company, outside of its doctors and nurses, seems more interested in me as a profit center than as a human being working to survive my cancer diagnosis and treatment.  No one wakes up deciding to get cancer so they can ‘enjoy’ undergoing chemotherapy, radiation, and/or surgery.  No one decides to get cancer because they want to have thousands of dollars of additional medical bills to pay.  No one chooses to experience any of these things.  But for those of us ‘lucky people’ who get the cancer diagnosis and are told we need surgery and after that chemotherapy for six months and that none of it is a guarantee that we will be cured, we get put on the cancer/chemotherapy conveyor belt and our lives are never the same.

There are physical, emotional and financial stresses of going through treatment and living with cancer. 

Do you know what it’s like to have your hands and feet hurt constantly with prickly, stabbing pain?  That it’s something you just have to endure because it’s one of the side effects of the most expensive chemo drug ($10K a treatment) being pumped into your body (which only promises a 5% increase in the likelihood of a cure)?  Do you know what it’s like to not be able to swallow without feeling like someone has scraped your mouth with broken pieces of glass? Do you know what it’s like to have handfuls of your hair fall out daily? Do you know what it’s like to worry that every new ache or pain could be a sign that the cancer is back or growing or not reacting to treatment?  Do you know what it’s like to worry how you are going to pay for all the bills in your quest to stay alive? Do you know what it’s like to end up in the ER five times in six months because your immune system is compromised? Do you know what it’s like to only be able to muster up the energy to go from bed to couch to back to bed for days on end?  Do you know what it’s like to tell your children you have cancer?  Do you know what it’s like to keep working through all this because you have to keep your income and insurance?  Do you know what it’s like to do all this as a single parent on a single income?

I didn’t think so.

Because if you had, you certainly wouldn’t have your billing department call me on a Saturday morning to complain that I have let my bill get out of hand and that I wasn’t paying enough money every month.  You wouldn’t have your billing department ignore the fact that I was paying twice as much as the agreed budgeted amount every month and that I had never missed a payment.  Even after I told your billing representative that I didn’t set the prices of the chemotherapy drugs, that I was simply following my oncologist’s directives for beating this wretched disease and that I didn’t have any control over what was being billed, she replied that my bill was simply too much anymore.  I asked the representative if she wanted me to survive my cancer treatment, she said that, of course, she did. 

Do you want me to beat this cancer?  It seems not.

Yesterday, two weeks after my latest SLUCare bill (and one week after my last payment) which includes the statement about the agreed budgeted amount, I received a collection notice from Consumer Collection Management in Maryland Heights telling me that my account has been listed with their office for collection.  Yes, that is correct, your company listed me as a bad debt.

Stress.  Stress negates any positive benefit that one can get from chemotherapy.  Your company’s aggressive tactics have only added more stress to an already over-the-top-maxed-out stressful situation.  Your practices infer to me that you don’t have a lot of confidence that those receiving cancer treatment from your company will survive long enough to pay you, so you better get those dollars now, today, pronto.  Your company’s policies treat me as if I have been neglectful towards my medical bill with you, when in fact, I haven’t.

I have paid the agreed budgeted amount every two weeks.  Yes the bill increased, I couldn’t control that.  Insurance calendar years and resetting high deductibles and out of pocket amounts are not things I can control.  But your company’s unwarranted punitive actions are heartless, uncaring and tell me that greed is SLUCare’s motivation not patient survival and health. 

As your practices and policies currently stand, I cannot and will not in good conscience recommend to anyone facing a cancer diagnosis to come to SLU Cancer Center.  And it’s not because the care has been inadequate but because compassion, understanding, flexibility and a sense of humanity is not present beyond the patient care team.  It appears, if one receives treatment from your organization, the only guarantee is they will be harassed by your billing department.

As the Chief Executive Officer, don’t you think you can do better, be better? Don't you want to?

I have included my contact information should you have a desire to talk further with me.

And I hope, sir, you never have to face cancer.

Sincerely,

The Philosopher

Dating at this age...

 

Dating at this age can be a roll-your-eyes-and-shake-your-fist-at-the-sky rollercoaster of interactions.  In my 11 years of singlehood, there have been a handful of knock-your-socks-off-and-sing-hallelujah experiences.  (Some of which have been chronicled here on the Minivan Philosopher.)   But mostly and especially lately it's been the former and not the latter.

Example 1:
Last week I received a cave painting (text) from a guy I had been seeing whose PTSD flared up and pretty much brought to a screeching halt any forward momentum we had been experiencing. I told him he needed to resume counseling and get on some medication to bring a balance to his life.  That he deserved to live a life that was more settled and that his children deserved that too.  I told him to call me when he felt he was "balanced."  He agreed with me and started back immediately with his doctors and therapists at the VA.  Occasionally I would message him and ask how he was doing.  Sometimes he would reply and other times, not.  But in his last cave painting after telling me what an awesome person I am and how glad he was to have met me (blah blah blah you get the gist), he said he needed to focus on himself and wasn't in any shape ready for a relationship and didn't want to make a promise to me he couldn't support (blah blah blah we've all heard this before) but then he closed his text with this... are you ready for the kicker... and R (his ex-wife) "has been absolutely amazing during this debacle, I might be getting back with my family"!

I laughed when I read the last part.  This was a first for me.  I had never sent a man BACK to his ex-wife before.  Oh well I thought, he came into my life at exactly the right time.  We had had some great fun before the PTSD episode.  He got my car fixed, tires balanced and detailed. He helped me through two chemo weekends and got me my snow boots!  I am really grateful for all that (especially the car stuff and snow boots) and accept that that was to be the extent of our 'relationship'. He is a kind, good man who just has issues bigger than I want/need in my life.  I wish him well in his quest to get balanced and, of course, good luck with the whole ex-wife not being the ex-wife anymore thing.

Example 2:
So I've been exchanging a few emails with a guy on the internet dating site.  I haven't scheduled a "meet n greet" with him yet.  We have similar likes and dislikes; he seems friendly enough.  But there's not this yearning inside me to hurry up and meet him in person.  However, this past weekend I was out with my girlfriend at our usual watering hole.  We were listening to the band, enjoying the people watching, & avoiding talking to the annoying man next to me who seemed to spray me with his spit every time he tried to talk to me and also reeked of weed. He did have a friend show up who was nice and friendly and mature and loved to dance and was married!  I saw the ring when we were dancing and I immediately backed him off and left the dance floor as soon as the song was over.  He tried to get me to dance with him a few more times and I just said no each time and looked at his wedding ring.  He got the hint.  But anyway that doesn't have anything to do with internet guy.  Back to that story.

On the dance floor I saw this guy who looked vaguely familiar.  I kept racking my brain, how did I know him, how did I know him?  He seemed goofy and had this grin that went on for days!  He came up to my girlfriend and I after I had sent the married man away and was trying to chat us up.  He never introduced himself or asked our names; it was all really awkward.  And I wasn't interested at all, in the least.

So the next day I was reading my dating site email and when I opened up Internet guy's profile, I did a double take... that was the smiling till the world ends dancing goofy guy from the night before.  Oh no, I thought to myself.  Ugh.

He emailed this morning asking how I am, how my weekend was, did I do anything fun.  I replied that I had spent time with girlfriends.  He asked where I went.  I haven't replied.  I think he'll figure it out.  I think he already knows that I was "the internet girl" at the bar. 

So far, the internet dating site has brought me four dates with men who are really gay but just haven't admitted it yet and one near miss.  So glad I didn't plan a meet n greet with Internet guy. 

Anyway, there's two examples of the dating "fun" I've been having.  One thing is certain, there'll be more.
Cheers!

T minus 23... alternate title "Dog gets to live one more day!"

It's cold and only going to get colder this week.  Kind of irritating because this is my "good week" and I was looking forward to being social.  But when temps are going to be 0 degrees F and below with 3-5 inches of snow on the ground, it makes it hard for anyone to go out and be social, much less me - the chemo patient!

And to add insult to injury, my dog chewed the thumb off my leather gloves!!! He already chewed up the leather on my great Strength bracelet that a friend gave me the other day.  So bummed about that!  I realize the dog is dealing with anxiety, Ladybug isn't here and my other dog is being fostered at a friend's until I'm done with chemo.  But seriously, leave my shit alone!

Yesterday's group support session was sobering as we had a new person join us and she is in palliative care.  This is where they don't try to treat the disease anymore; they just provide medications to ease the pain.  She was so sad.  Her eyes were profoundly hurting.  I didn't know what to say to her;  I wanted to make her smile or laugh but she didn't.  I left group with a heaviness in my heart because I don't know what I would do or how I would be if I were in her shoes.  I am so close to being done with my treatment (23 days!!) and I see my "life" resuming and cancer never coming back.  And I shed tears that mine was caught when it was; no one truly understands the magnitude of my gratitude.  But it's not for them to understand anyway.  It's mine.

Yesterday I talked about how this journey has taught me at least one thing:  to maximize my interactions with people (friends, family and strangers who will soon be friends) because you never know when you won't be able to do that anymore.  I'm not trying to be morbid here, just realistic, and so very contemplative.  A snow day will do that to you. 

I promise, dear readers, that I do have more funny stories to write about, so don't give up.  It won't always be about cancer, cancer, cancer.  And I'm looking forward to that as well!!!

Thanks for caring!
xx- The Philosopher

25 days left...

25 days until my final disconnect from chemo!  I am beyond excited!!! It's getting so close.  So close, soclose!

However, whoa!  These last two treatments have knocked me out for three days each.  All I want to do is sleep, drink water (room temp or warmer) and suck on Lifesavers Spear-O-Mint candies.  It's the only thing that makes the metal taste in my mouth go away, albeit, temporarily.  I brush my teeth several times a day as well because that gives me some relief too.  I also rinse with Biotene mouthwash as it seems to help with the cotton mouth I've developed these last two treatments.  My hair is still falling out.  And I've got the bags under my eyes again.  But I am not experiencing that debilitating jaw pain or the difficulty swallowing like I had before.  Yes, you should knock on wood on my behalf too.

I do miss getting my acupuncture immediately after being disconnected.  Since the shift in treatment days, I've got to wait until Monday mornings, almost 48 hours later, to get my acupuncture.  I know it works because until I get it done, my hands (fingertips especially) feel swollen and are painful to the touch because of the swelling.  But it goes away after getting treatment... I didn't use to have to deal with the swelling but must manage it for now.

Managing.  That's pretty much all I can do.  The cold weather isn't letting up (even with my offers of virgin sacrifices, mother nature is wielding a cold and fierce attitude this winter - who pissed her off this year and would you please say you are sorry, already!!!).  The groundhog can't catch a break either.

 

 

I am grateful that my chemo clock is winding down.  I know that makes a huge difference in my "chin-up" attitude.  It feels so much more do-able than it did on September 11, 2013. 

 

My oncologist said I will keep my port for another two years and will start receiving CT scans etc. pretty much within four weeks of finishing chemo.  He also said that he has been very aggressive with the chemo because he wants me to be cured of cancer and because I was young and healthy enough to handle/withstand/make it through all the side effects.   Thank god I was young and healthy enough because I can't imagine how it would have gone otherwise!

 

So until the five year mark passes without any recurrence of cancer, my body will be closely monitored.  And I will keep all of you informed too.  Thanks for reading!