Hardboiled
Scrambled
Organic
Cracked
Raw
Over Easy
Sunny Side Up
Poached
2003. January. Cold. Big Belly. Pregnant with apprehension. Pregnant with resentment. Pregnant with anxiousness. Just go. Quit making your children cry. Empty heart.
2003. June. Hot. Big Belly. Baby (the Sage) sleeping in my arms. Ladybug & Rockstar by my side holding my hands. Just go. Quit making your children cry. Empty heart.
2003. August. Hot. Just go. Quit making me cry. Empty heart.
Present day. Cold. Windy. Not so big belly anymore. Ladybug living in Portland. Rockstar &
Sage by my side holding my hands. How is my heart?
Hardboiled
Scrambled
Organic
Cracked
Raw
Over Easy
Sunny Side Up
Poached
A dozen years have almost gone by. A dozen to match the number of years I was married.
For a long time, I dwelled on the fact that I have been alone without a significant other during these last 12 years. Yes, I've had 'relationships'. Some have been more heartbreaking than others. Some have been fleeting. Some were good. Some started good. Some ended good. Some did not. I kept thinking there must be something wrong with me. I kept asking the universe why was I still alone? If I'm going to be alone and single the rest of my life, please make it very clear so I can quit hoping. This was the sort of message I had been internalizing or verbalizing when stuck in traffic. But I'm trying to change.
A good friend of mine that I met through shaking meditation once said to me to change my perspective & to change the statements from focusing on what you want less of to what you want more of. For instance, "I want to cuss less" re-worded "I want to have more loving words come from my mouth." "I want to quit being fat," re-worded "I want to be more healthy." Pretty simple.
Today while stuck in traffic, and after a particularly melancholy evening dwelling on my 12 years of aloneness, I thought that perhaps my dwelling on being alone has perpetuated it. I decided to shift my messages from the negative and focus on the positive of being the leader of my own single life.
I have enjoyed personal freedom. I spend my money as I want. I sleep in the middle of my bed. I go where I want when I want. I say yes when it benefits me and no when it doesn't. I have met some of the most amazing people. I have not had to live in a house with someone who did not want to be my partner. My heart is free to love and to be hurt and to love again. I have proven that I can survive. I make my own happy
There have been many more positive things about being single these last 12 years than cons. And I am hopeful that one day there will be someone who will come into my life and continue to add to those positive aspects.
My dozen, when perspectives shift, is a beautiful rainbow of colors, butterflies, and twirling swirls repeating as often as happiness can. Sunny Side Up.
