50,000 words!!!

I have done it.  I have crossed the 50,000 word threshold for my upcoming book, Midnight Playground.  I am writing daily and am getting close to having it finished.  I am so excited and nervous all at the same time. I really feel like this book will be my "gateway book" (insert smiley face emoticon here) so that I can write full time and finish the Transporter series and Purgatory and write whatever else comes to mind.  But for right now, at this very moment, I am so excited that I crossed that milestone of 50,000 words.  Onward!

I am Titanium...

Rockstar is having his ACL reconstructed as I write this post.  I am sitting in the hospital waiting room sending positive thoughts and energy his way.  He was so sweet to me while in the holding room and under the effects of the first batch of "happy drugs".  He was holding my hand and telling me how glad he was that I was there with him, that he felt better and more calm because it was me standing there next to him and not his dad or his best friend.  That made my heart swell.  I know he was under the influence and probably won't remember it but at least I know that deep in his heart he really does love his mom.

He is facing six months of recovery and rehab.  It is going to be an interesting time for the whole family but I feel we will make it.  We survived my six months of chemo; we will get through this too.

I feel blessed that we have great doctors and great technology and that he is young and healthy.

Revisiting and remembering

Below is a link to a post from from the start of school six years ago ... oh how times have changed...
My Ladybug is a hipster, living and loving life and learning to navigate adulthood over in Portland.  My Rockstar is a junior now and my Sage, a seventh grader.  I dropped the boys off at school today per my usual start of the school year routine but there were no pictures, no hugs or kisses goodbye, simply well wishes for a great day.  And we were all okay with that. My role and importance to my children has continued to evolve.  And I'm okay with that.

Wishing everyone out there a great school year!

http://minivanphilosopher.blogspot.com/2009/08/congratulations-youve-been-promoted-to.html

My Journey, His Journey, Your Journey, Our Journey

And I'm not talking about the band Journey although the title of this blog post could easily be on a flyer for any karaoke bar here in St. Louis...

No I'm talking about that path we all march on from birth to death... our journey.

Sometimes it crosses others, sometimes it merges, sometimes it veers right when others go left.  The only consistent part is that you are still on it, on your path.  Only you can walk it, dance it, run it, drive it.  Sometimes we want to keep our journeys merged with other people's because it is more fun, more interesting, we love them or we are afraid to be alone on our own journey.  But what do you do, how do you cope when the paths diverge and you weren't ready yet?  Or you thought you weren't ready?

TRUST.  Yep that little word.  You must surrender to trust in your path. Sure, you can be sad that you won't be walking, dancing or running together anymore.  Please, shed some tears too.  Those are all good and necessary to healing and to seeing your way clearly on your own path again.  Try your best to fight the urge to analyze under a microscope every step you made while on the merged path.  Try your best to not be angry at your fellow sojourner who took the fork in the road which was only evident on his/her map.  If you can allow yourself to trust that you are walking down the path exactly as it is supposed to be, you can look forward to all that you are about to encounter, and you can be grateful for all that you have already walked.  Sometimes your paths will cross again or merge again and then that section of your journey(s) is even better than the first time.  But sometimes they do not ever come into contact again, and you have to trust that that was just how it was meant to be.

I walk mine.  You walk yours.  Sometimes we walk it together.

Until our paths cross again, god speed...

-the Philosopher

Two years hence...

Wow! I went on vacation to the lake house & didn't blog once! What does that mean? And the two-year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis was last week & I didn't write  about that either! What does this say about me & where I am right now in my life? Should I be concerned?

I don't think so. I'm very busy writing & editing my first book that I'm publishing hopefully around valentines day. I'm dealing with a lot on that project which will explain the blogging deficit. But the cancer thing, that is weird especially since my quarterly blood test is Wednesday and I'm nervous as usual. Can't sleep well & get the night sweats frequently now. I'm hoping it's only menopause (early onset, chemo-induced you know)... I'll know more Wednesday. Until then, I'll keep busy moving forward with life. I won't make mountains out of a mole hill, at least not this mole hill.

Cheers xx
-the Philosopher

Update: Good visit with oncologist.  All blood tests came back great.  My CEA levels are 1.1 lowest in a year (not that 1.3 and 1.4 are very high mind you especially when anything under 5 is considered normal).  They think the pain I'm feeling in my upper left abdomen is merely functional and related to the healing process from the colon resection surgery from almost two years ago.  In addition, I don't have to go back until January.  I am now on the six-month rotation instead of every three months... NICE!!!

There were no molehills nor mountains, it's all good.

I love you.

I love you.

Today, I love you.

Perhaps I will still love you tomorrow.

But today, know that I love you.

And with each wake, it is still today.

And today, I love you.

My love isn’t meant to burden you.  My loving you doesn’t mean you now have to solve all my problems and ensure my happiness for the rest of eternity. My love isn’t conditional. My love isn’t a call to superhero action for you. My love is quiet.  My love is warm.  My love is fondness.  My love is tenderness. It is healing. My loving you is simply the action & reaction of my heart and soul towards you.  My love isn’t meant to shackle you.  My love isn’t designed to possess nor to suffocate you.  It simply is.  As you and I, simply, are.

True Love - A Practice

I was introduced to the book True Love: A Practice for Awakening the Heart by Thich Nhat Hanh on the website www.brainpickings.org

(In fact, I have been introduced to quite a lot via that website.  If you are interested in expanding your intellectual capacity I highly recommend giving her a visit.)

Anyway, my interest was piqued reading her essay about this book and I rushed to the public library website and promptly reserved me a copy.  I have renewed it twice already.  It's a short book, 104 pages.  Written very simply but worth reading and re-reading.  I think I will end up just buying my own copy.  I can only renew it one more time before I have to return it.  I wanted to share with you my readers an extremely brief synopsis of the four aspects of love as described in the book.  For a much more in depth and beautifully written essay, go to brainpickings and read hers.

Here is my summary...

According to Buddhism, there are four aspects of true love:

1) Maitri meaning loving-kindness or benevolence.  It's the desire AND the ability to bring joy and happiness to the person you love.  "Because even if your intention is to love this person, your love might make him or her suffer."

2) Karuna meaning compassion.  This is the desire AND the ability to ease the pain of another person. 

To bring joy and compassion you must practice "deep-looking" or searching for understanding of your love.  Because when you know and understand his or her aspirations and his or her sufferings, you can bring joy and ease pain.  How often do we actually practice "deep-looking" with the people we love (including our family and friends)?

3) Mudita meaning joy.  "If there is no joy in love, it is not true love.  If you are suffering all the time, if you cry all the time, and if you make the person you love cry, this is not really love -- it is even the opposite.  If there is no joy in your love, you can be sure it is not true love."

and

4) Upeksha meaning equanimity or freedom.  "In true love, you attain freedom.  When you love, you bring freedom to the person you love.  If the opposite is true, it is not true love.  You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free, not only outside but also inside.  'Dear one, do you have enough space in your heart and all around you?'  This is an intelligent question for testing out whether your love is something real."

Hanh goes on to say that to love in the context of buddhism is to be there. To bring your true presence to your loved one, not only your body but your mind too.  He suggests this mantra to say to help you stay truly present, "Dear one, I am really here for you." 

I had several ah-ha moments while reading True Love.  And each time I re-read a passage or paragraph or dwell on a definition, I gain more insight into what was preventing earlier relationships from being true love.  I am definitely more at peace in my current relationship with 007 than earlier ones (especially Mike and my fox).  I am practicing deep-looking and being present.  I am learning what it feels like to love according to Buddha.  It is different, scary at times but there is no suffering like before.  I like that.  I will continue practicing true love and awakening my heart to it.

Thanks for stopping by and I hope you have true love already.  If not, may you find each other and enjoy it for the rest of your days.

"Dear one, I am here for you."
~The Philosopher

Liability

"Hello?  You left a message for me to call you back? This is the minivan philosopher." I offered to the woman on the other line.

"So we wanted you to be aware of your liability for the CT scan your oncologist has ordered for you." said the woman on the phone.

"Yes?" I replied, holding my breath.

"Okay so your liability is $2,345.00" she almost whispered as if embarrassed to say that figure to me.

"Oh??  Is that the final cost after insurance?" I gulped.

"That's your estimated liability." she replied.

"Well I don't have it.  I guess you will have to bill me." I clipped.

"I will make a note of that." she replied.

"Thank you. Good bye."  I said.

"Goodbye." she replied.

Click.

Yep.  That's my post-cancer diagnosis, ongoing monitoring life.  What am I supposed to do?  I've been having butterfly sensations floating around in my abdomen for a few weeks now.  I told my oncologist about it at my follow up and he said let's do a CT to make sure nothing is going on.  I agreed because I want to know if there is anything I need to worry about.  So I make the decision to go further into debt for peace of mind?  Or do I cancel the scan because I don't have the money to pay my estimated liability and risk that there is something significant going on?  And maybe die of cancer?

The ongoing financial stresses of having a cancer diagnosis and its subsequent treatment (chemo, surgery, medicines, doctor visits, blood tests etc) dishes out as much suffering as all those words contained in the parentheses.  In fact, it's worse because the institutions don't give a rat's *ss about who you are, you are simply an account receivable.

I find myself feeling angry at the helplessness again.  Since my cancer diagnosis in July 2013, I have shouldered the entire financial cost myself.  I didn't start any gofundme campaign.  I didn't ask anyone to help pay a bill.  Not any friends or family.  I didn't get any either.  I did receive help in the form of rides, some meals for my boys and a few giftcards every now and then.  But nothing to help me chip away at the $10,000 or so in bills for which I was "liable'.  And now I've got another $2300 to add to it.  Yippee! Wonderful!  Please sir, can I have another?

I don't know what to do.  I am too young for Medicare.  I have a full-time, good-paying job with insurance so I can't have the state pay for my medical care.  So I'm basically fucked financially for the next five years while I'm monitored by my doctors.

Sigh. 

Cancer... the gift that keeps on giving even when you've said "enough!!"

Four words

"Get your own water."

"I'm on my way."

The first sentence has scarred me with me many years of pain and confusion and feelings of worthlessness. The second sentence brought tears to my eyes because of all those years of pain and confusion and feeling worthless.

When my ex-husband and I were first dating over 22 years ago, I would ask him to fill my glass of water if he were getting up to go to the kitchen. It was one of those "hey while you're up, would you mind getting me ..." sorts of requests. I didn't think anything of it. I didn't think it was a big deal. A few months in to dating each other, he said to me that he hated when I would ask him for water and that he felt I was taking advantage of him and that I was just being lazy. I never asked him for another glass of water. It hurt when he said that. Had I known then what I know now, I would never have continued dating him nor married him but I didn't. I was young; I was a people pleaser. Those four words "get your own water" became ingrained into my psyche way down deep. The man I loved didn't think I was special enough to bring me water when I asked, so obviously I wasn't special enough to matter to anyone especially other men.

I have been divorced over ten years.  Who would have thought that I would still be feeling the after effects of those four words?

But last night as I sat in 007's car tears welling up in my eyes because I was overwhelmed by his kindness towards me. A simple act that he didn't think twice about almost knocked my core being completely flat.  He came to pick me up, to drive me home after an all-day pub crawl I had been on so I wouldn't have to drive home.  His text "I'm on my way" brought tears to my eyes.

Not only did he drive twenty minutes to get me, he parked & came inside the bar to find me. I was expecting that he would drive up, text me he was outside & I would leave. And I would have been okay with that because that's what I was used to, how a not special-enough person is treated, always feeling that I had been too much of a burden already, I couldn't possibly ask for anything more. I didn't ask him to come get me, my girlfriend made the telephone call. It didn't take much convincing on her part. She asked, explained the situation and he said he was on his way. Why was I so afraid to ask him? Because I was afraid he'd tell me no, to get my own water, reinforcing my belief that I wasn't worthy.

But he didn't. He came. He took care of me because I am special & because he is kind.

I'm moving through new emotional waters here. It's going to be hard to undo 20+ years of negative self-talk, to realize that people (including men) will do nice things for me because they want to & because they like me, not because of what they can get from me in return. I am so grateful, so eternally grateful, that the universe is giving me this gift of growth towards acceptance & healing and that 007 is her chosen tool.

I'm on my way.

Timing is everything...

"Dear Minivan Philosopher,

The right people always find each other at the right time.

Relax,
The Universe"


This message appeared in my email inbox at exactly the right time. I had been dealing with some festering anxiety (R-PTSD symptom flareups) about the upcoming lack of time with 007 due to school schedules and family vacations.  I have been so happily spoiled these last six weeks; how was I going to make 10 days without being with him? I tried to stay awake as long as possible last night so I could create a memory map of him to recall when I really started to miss him. The little anxiety voice was getting louder and at 5:15 a.m. it was downright obnoxious.  So when the alarm went off and I checked my email, there was that message from the Universe.  I said "thank you" and sighed the anxiety out of me. I became calm and peaceful, again.

The old wise men and women all say that timing is everything.  And I truly believe it! I don't think I would have been ready for 007 a few years ago or even last year during my cancer treatment (although he would have been a great partner to have by my side).  Nor do I think he would have been ready for me before now.  Even though we have been attracted to each other since we met and friends before now, we each had to continue on our separate journeys, to make mistakes, to learn and to grow, to forgive and to let go.

We are still navigating our own journeys but they are made a little nicer and a little sweeter because part of our respective journeys now includes each other.

And although ten days will feel like an eternity compared to how much we have been seeing each other, it's not forever.  I'm definitely looking forward to the "reunion".

007 is the right person for me at this time.  I am thankful. And dear Universe, I am relaxing.

Relationship PTSD

Hi. I’m the Minivan Philosopher and I have Relationship PTSD. 

Yep that’s what I wrote.  Relationship PTSD (R-PTSD).  The first step towards healing is admitting it.

 Most people suffer from R-PTSD but they call it ‘baggage’ or ‘issues’ or ‘acting crazy’.  When it is in actuality all of those things wrapped up together that form R-PTSD.  (Appropriately the acronym reads Re-PeaTing Stupid Dynamics.  Lord knows I repeated enough stupid dynamics in my relationships.)

 Why did I coin this term?  What is happening in my life that brought it to the forefront?  Am I in a difficult relationship? No. There is no relationship chaos.  It’s going just fine. And I’ve realized because of the absence of chaos, my baggage, my issues, my R-PTSD tendencies are flaring up and have nowhere to go except to sit right in front of my face making me name them and process through them. I am very uncomfortable.  It’s as if the tendencies or habits want me to give life to them, bring them out of the dark, damp place they’ve been resting since the end of my last relationship so they can assume their rightful and normal place in this new relationship.  This is the first time in my life though that I can see those tendencies with clarity and more insight than ever before.  I don’t want them to intrude upon my happiness or peacefulness.  But I can’t ignore them.  That is more dangerous.   If ignored, they will manifest in different ways and probably be very ugly too.  Nope, I must look each of them in the face as they stir to life and acknowledge where they came from, the hurt that created them and free them of feeling that they must protect me.  I need to forgive.  Forgive those that came before and forgive myself.

It started this way…

What comes next...

I have wanted to write about this for a while now and have been mulling over and over what's the best way to get this across.  I don't know if this is it, but what comes next will surprise you...


it will move you to tears....

it will make you jump with joy

it will make you grow taller and become more handsome...

it will make you lose weight...

it will make, it will make, it will make!!!!

I am completely done with those headlines on Facebook and around the internet.  You know the ones that say things like "this group of middle schoolers were complete brats but what they did next will shock you" or "this group of snotty, bratty, real housewives of _____ were moved to tears by what will surprise you"  or "this poor child who has been suffering from (insert rarest form of cancer you can find) shocks the world by what comes next"...  It's the classic 'selfish soul finds redemption and goodness through the actions of others' type of stuff.  It's the feel-good story of the century.  Every single one.

Yet it all feels so manufactured. So shallow.  Right down to how we are supposed to feel and react to whatever we are reading or watching.  How could all these impromptu, amateur videos etc have such high quality editors right there to capture the moment from several angles?  Is everyone else in the world walking around with a 3-4 camera crew documenting their lives and I'm not?  If so, how are they paying for it? Oh , perhaps ever so subtle product placement?

Thankfully I do not have a camera crew, because who would want me to post daily "I was too tired after work to think about what to cook for dinner but what I did next will surprise you!" Or "watch how the Quik Trip crew quickly gave me my change and made my day while they performed a flash mob dance to my favorite song ever on my unsuspecting, quiet and reserved self."  Oh puh-lease!!!  Enough already. 

Unfortunately for me this catchphrase has become just as irritating as when you notice during someone's speech their excessive use of "ums" and then that's all you hear and then you start making hash marks for every time they say it.  Yes, I am extremely sensitive to it now.  Like nails on a chalkboard sensitive.  So much so, that I consciously try to reduce the amount of time I use Facebook or other social media.  (Exception! When using it to post this link to tell you about this posting...)

Yet I worry for those who are vulnerable to such messages dictating their reactions, their feelings.  I worry that we are manipulating people into not trusting their own feelings and their own guts.  If we don't trust them to make up their own minds about what they read or see, they won't either.  What happens then?  I don't know but what comes next won't surprise me.