Dream Weaver

So last night I had the strangest dream... I was in college, again, and had my schedule sorted but I was there with my kids, living in the dorm and my ex was there too (although he was in a different dorm).  Naturally, in my dream I was not able to make it to my honors English class because I had to deal with some situation regarding my children.  It was all entirely believable and real... in my dream that is!

I have had the college-themed dream before but this was the first time my children were involved.  And usually the dream revolves around an exam that I'm supposed to take but that I haven't studied for or have never been to the class the whole term and am scrambling to drop the class or to find the class to fake my way through the test.  (BTW, I graduated from college over 20 years ago!)  I have realized over the years that these college-themed dreams usually happen when I'm am feeling some sort of stress in my life.

And when I have these dreams, I try to take a moment to address whatever is stressing me.  In this instance I believe I am stressed over a few things.  Here is what I think they are (in no particular order):
1) My Ladybug heading off to college in less than two months AND the college bill arriving in one month;
2) Acting as my infirm grandfather's power of attorney, waiting for his death and dealing with my extended family who just want to get their hands on their inheritance now;
3) Having to make repairs around the house that if I weren't single, a husband would handle.  But since I am, it's going to cost me $$ and contractors & repairmen always seem to jack the price up when they know it's a single lady... so I'm worried about the cost;

and

4) Latest bombing in Kabul... makes me worry about my Fox and his safety as he keeps the world safe for all of us.  I hate that the human race, even with centuries of precedents that intolerance and hatred are not the best course of action for our species, continues to perpetuate that cycle, leaving men (like my Fox) and women having to put their lives on the line to rein in that intolerance and hatred.

So, hopefully, in acknowledging what is causing me stress I can address them and/or eliminate them.  It certainly does me no good to ignore them.  I will simply have a dream where not only am I late for the exam but I will be naked too!  Wait that's not a dream that is a nightmare!!!

What sort of dreams do you have when you're stressed?  Feel free to share.

Before midnight - Updated with my reactions

Headed out to finally see this movie. It's only playing on two screens here, but at least it's playing.  I will share my opinions when I return.  But until then here is a link to my favorite song to sing karaoke... What are yours?

Paradise by the Dashboard Light by Meatloaf

Update:
I thoroughly enjoyed Before Midnight.  Thoroughly. The dialogue, the writing was just amazing.  I loved how real and raw the conversations were between Jesse and Celine.  They said things that so many people in relationships are afraid to say but that they think all the time.  The vulnerability they portrayed was so real and so refreshing.  I have read a few reviews in the blog-o-sphere and by far every one has raved about how great this movie is.  But there are a few who feel let down because the glittery-hopeful-romantic-fairy magic that was present in the first two movies is not there this time.  Maybe it's the age of the reviewers that lead to their disappointment.  I am the age of Celine and Jessie.  I am the "middle aged woman with a fat ass losing her hair" as Celine described herself.  I have been divorced.  I know the pain of ending relationships.  And I welcomed the complete honesty & vulnerability that these characters portrayed.  Seeing them struggle to stay sane, to stay passionate, to find a personal balance, to strike hard and fast with their words and to see them not abandon ship as a first reaction to those words fits in with my seasoned and 'wiser?' romantic view of life. 

I applaud the lowest grossing trilogy of all time in their pursuit of showing what life became for Celine and Jesse... for being willing to disappoint our romantic notions of a movie couples' "happily ever after" but at the same time giving hope that love can endure.  I hope they keep talking and bringing us their insightful, clever dialogue in future installments.  I hope Celine and Jesse keep fighting for their love and not become the lyrics in the Meatloaf song referenced above in this post... "So now I'm praying for the end of time so I can end my time with you..."  I believe Celine & Jesse will prevail.

So glad I finally got to see it.  Happy girl here.

If only my premonitions were useful...

Today I woke up to a Facebook posting by The Rockstar that, lately, he has been faced with making all sorts of decisions, that it has been tough and that he might be moving.

I sat straight up and stared at my little iPhone screen, shocked.  WTF?! 

I called his father.  No answer.

I called him.  No answer.

I ran into Ladybug's room and woke her up demanding if she knew about Rockstar's plan to move.  She groggily denied any knowledge.  I fluttered from room to room.  I texted his father.

I called Rockstar again.  He called back.

I told him what I saw on Facebook.  I asked him WTF is he thinking? He said he wants to grow up with his dad.  I reminded him that his father due to his job is only there for two weeks every thirty days.  Rockstar replied that he knew that but if he were living out there, he wouldn't have to wait a week to see his dad.  I was hurt.  I still am. Hours after this conversation, the bleeding hasn't stopped.

I told him that I shouldn't have found out via Facebook and that this was a conversation between his father and me and to tell his dad to call me when he woke up.

Ten years!  Ten years!  I said to myself in the mirror.  I have taken care of him when his father left.  I have made sure he got to school, played sports, got to the doctor/dentist/orthodontist/counselor.  I have gone to every school function I could attend, cheered loudly for him from the sidelines of every game he played in, celebrated his wins and consoled his losses.  I have laughed and cried with him.  I protected his father's reputation and made sure that he developed a relationship with him. I have put my life on hold to make sure I do what's best for him and my other two children.  His text response was:  "... more opportunities for me to grow up and become a man out here..." that it wasn't about me, that he loved me and always would.  blah blah blah

His father called.  He does not agree with Rockstar.  He thinks Rockstar should continue to live with me, not change his permanent address and when he is in town Rockstar can come stay with him.  I was relieved to know I was not being ambushed. 

My friends say for me not to take any of it personally, that it is just a function of his age (14) and that Rockstar will realize how much he does like it at home.

I replied that I try not to take it personally but after the years of many difficult conversations I have had with my children when they were extolling the virtues of being with their dad and his wife and her extended family because "that's what a family really is and we don't have that with you," it is very hard.  Christmas 2011 my children chose to leave me alone so they could spend it with their step-mom and her family even though their father was NOT going to be there due to work. That was the loneliest Christmas I have ever experienced.  I still hurt from that.  And today's Facebook posting, subsequent conversations and text message with Rockstar resurrected that hurt and tore off any bandages I had. Yes, the bleeding continues.

I have done the best I could for ten years.  I tried to have them understand that our little four-person unit was a family and that we needed to love and protect each other. 

I can't write any more on this right now.  In a day or so, when I have regained perspective, I'll continue. But for now, all I can say is I wish my gut feelings (like those referenced in the posting A new normal) could be put to use in picking out winning lottery numbers instead of predicting heartbreak. 

Tourniquet anyone?  Anyone?

Over a thousand thank yous!!

I just got word from blogger.com that my little blog here, my collection of thoughts, ramblings, perspectives, humor, and personal insights has reached over a thousand views! Wow!

So thank you to each and every one of you who has helped make that possible. I hope you come back often and enjoy what you read here helping The Minivan Philosopher reach 5, 10, 15 thousand+ views!

(Not bad for a blog that doesn't publicize itself so thank you for stumbling upon it & sticking around.)

A thousand plus thank yous!

Stereotypes

Just returned from a quick visit (1500 miles in 3 days!) down South for college orientation for my Ladybug. Saw this in the parking lot and had to share with y'all.  Some people are not helping break the southern redneck stereotype driving vehicles like this. Even with that said, it made me smile hope it does you too.

From the E to the I to the P

This post might ramble a little bit dear readers.  Please bear with me though...

I've been thinking a lot about why the Before Sunrise/Sunset/Midnight movie trilogy ranks as one of my favorites of all time (Aside... Before Midnight opens tomorrow in my town!  I must see it and soon!)  I believe it's because the connection between these characters occurs on multiple levels.  They connect emotionally and intellectually as well as physically.  But they are also not without faults - faults the other partner must learn to accept because it is part of who they love.  I believe I am drawn to this movie because this is how I see want my relationships to be.  I have to connect the E-I-P dots or its not going to work out between us.  For regular readers you know that those dots made a brilliant-shooting-star-covered-in-gold-dust connection for me and My Fox and before that with Mike.  There have been others who have floated in and out in my last ten years as a single person but they either only had the E or the P or maybe just the I but not all three.  Only my Fox and Mike have hit all three.  And since I have had that with them, I hold out for that again.  I look for it.  If it's not there then there's no use in pursuing anything further.  

I did try recently to ignore my E-I-P criteria when accepting the invitation for a dinner date.  It was a lovely meal and the conversation was good.  401K man (that is his nickname) was very nice.  He is recently divorced and well-educated and has a good heart.  But something nagged at me during the dinner and the dancing afterwards, like it wasn't a completely good fit between us.  I reflected on our interactions trying to figure out what was missing.  He asked me out again a few more times and I accepted because I thought "here is an extremely nice man, let me give it another chance; maybe I'm just being shallow."  401K did nothing wrong.  He said all the right things, texted me at the right times, took me to nice restaurants and brought me flowers.  After the third date, I revealed to him that I was getting over a broken heart and that I wasn't ready to open my heart (or my legs) to anyone at this time.  He seemed to be very understanding.  He even asked me to lunch another time after my broken heart revelation.  I reminded him at lunch that I just wasn't in a place to date seriously; that I was especially cautious of getting close to anyone.  And I apologized.  I have not heard from him since and I am okay with that.  401K and I could talk but we didn't connect on the E nor the P levels.  And my subconscious does not allow me to ignore levels nor to disregard the importance of those levels to me. 

I dated another man several years ago between Mike vers 1.0 and 2.0; I call him the Chef.  The Chef was a great boyfriend.  Even though we connected on the E & the P we did not on the I.  This was evident early on in our relationship and I knew that the Chef was not going to be a long-term boyfriend for me.  We had a great summer but when he wanted to introduce me to his children, I told him that I couldn’t do that.  I ended our relationship then because I didn’t want to hurt his kids along with hurting him when I moved on and I knew I would be moving on because we were not matched intellectually and that would always be a strike against him.  (that’s one hell of a run-on sentence for such a bright girl!)

There were a few more but I’m not going to go into all of the examples or reasons for each one.  Suffice it to say they did not hit the E-I-P hat trick with me.

Mike and My Fox both hit the hat trick which makes their absence from my life harder but it also holds the standard for any future relationship.

I want to be able to always talk to my partner, to find him fascinating and intriguing and funny and Intellectually compatible with me.  I want to be able to share my Emotions, be vulnerable in my heart and soul knowing my partner is holding it all gently and cradling them in his own heart and soul and vice versa.  I want to always have the passion to kiss my partner deeply, to be flirty and to be sexually compatible in our desires, fantasies, kinks and explorations.  Physically, we just have to fit. 

So my quest for the E-I-P continues.  I’m grateful that I know what I’m looking for and am no longer just flapping in the wind.  Until all the pieces come together, you can find me at the movies reveling in two characters whose pieces fit and fit well. 

Readers, feel free to share your own examples of when it worked and/or didn’t work for you. 

Music to a writer's ears...

Sometimes a little encouragement goes a long way...

I recently sent to a respected colleague and friend what I have written so far on my book (current working titles: 4199 or Travel by M.A.P.) and he responded quite favorably. 

Respected colleague: Hey - excellent story.
Respected colleague: Sorry for delay.
Respected colleague: You are real talent. This is as good or better as any I've seen
The Philosopher: You're not just saying that because you are my friend?
Respected colleague: No. This is really good.
.....
followed by:
The Philosopher: glad you liked it on a cerebral as well as physical level lol
Respected colleague: yeah. no flattery, this is just good.
The Philosopher: well if you ever want to read just my random blog postings about my life etc... you can visit minivanphilosopher.blogspot.com
Respected colleague: One of things i like is a very, very good flow. No stall-outs. It has a really good pace, but still gives good detail.
.....
followed by:
Respected colleague: When did you start?
The Philosopher: thinking about this idea? last summer
The Philosopher: really writing it - mid-april
Respected colleague: ok
Respected colleague: well you a serious talent, for sure.
The Philosopher: thanks - it's good to hear that
Respected colleague: Reading it, it's like you've had it inside you for a while and you're relieved to release it. Does that make sense? When I read it, it kind of felt like it had been shot out of a cannon
Respected colleague: Like it had been waiting for a long time
....
then a few more quick exchanges about the writing process and then on to a general discussion about life.

BUT I am so excited to receive this encouragement to continue and that it really is that good.  It has re-energized me because I haven't written anything additional in about a week.  I was experiencing a bit of a block which feels remarkably like it has evaporated!

You know, dear readers, encouraging words are oftentimes the kindest words in the universe!

Thank you respected colleague and dear friend, thank you!
I will continue.

Seeing Red

I saw red.  It made me smile. 
I liked it. A lot. 
You knew I would.

A new normal is coming our way... can I cope?

So I've been single for over 10 years now raising my three kids practically on my own.  (However, I have been blessed to have had a great support system and 'village' that has kept me sane and been positive influences on my kids.)  Their father moved a few states away when he left and has a job that keeps him away from his home 30 days at a time.  Therefore, my children have not spent a whole lot of time with their dad in the last ten years.  But that's all about to change.

He and his wife have recently bought a home 45 minutes away from me.  Circumstances with his wife's ex have made it possible for them to come live here.  My kids are super excited.  I am mixed emotionally.

What is pleasing about their move:
1) Having more regular breaks from parental responsibility.  The last ten years I have had the children 99.9999% of the time.  And it wasn't easy having a newborn, 4-year old and 8-year old with no regular breaks.  Of course now they are 10, 14 and 18 so things are remarkably different and 'easier' (I say that in quotes because although it is physically easier, it is emotionally/mentally just as tough.)

2) Children get to see their father more frequently.  Because now he will be spending his time off work with his kids in the same state.  And during the summer time, the kids can be with him the whole time he is home and he can run them to their ball games and practices and dental appointments and doctor visits and buy their shoes and feed them.  (Oh my it will be nice to save a few dollars!!!)  And they can build memories together and strengthen their bonds by more frequent visits that last longer than 48 hours over random weekends.

3) Saving money.  Because they will be with their dad more, I will spend less on food, gas, shampoo, soap, toothpaste, laundry detergent and toilet paper (and significantly reduce the amount of times I find myself staring at an empty toilet paper holder because the children don't EVER change the roll! That, my dear readers, is going to end up a blog posting all it's own!!!)

What has my heart heavy about their move:
1) Although the kids will go to their dads, I will still have the dogs to take care of...  and I have not been successful in getting my ex to take the dogs along with the kids.  So I won't be completely fancy-free when they are at their dad's because my two canines will need my attention.

2) Having to see how much 'fun' they have with their dad and how he can be entirely devoted to them because he won't have to work when he is in town.  A positive trade-off to the fact that he's gone 30 days at a time.  I try to keep it in perspective but it does sting a little when they jump around full of excitement when they get to go be with him and his wife and their stepbrother and stepsisters.  They are instantly like the Brady Bunch.  And then they come home to boring, routine mom who has to work and it's just the four of us.  I hope they realize when they are older that I did the best I could for them with the circumstances I was left. 

I know the benefits are going to outweigh my nagging insecurities.  I guess the last ten years, the kids didn't really have a choice on which parent they were going to be with so, by default, they got me.  Now with him living here, they will be with him more frequently and it's possible that they could choose him over me. 

Maybe that's what's really bothering me? Potentially, not being the one who is chosen... hmmm... now that I've figured that out, I know which insecurity to start tackling, you know, while they are at their dad's.

Waiting to Exhale

I learned today that my daughter, the Ladybug, is smoking cigarettes.  She is 18 so she can legally purchase them and smoke them.  However, I am sincerely disappointed in her.  I thought she knew better.

I used to smoke.  It has been 11 years since I smoked.  I quit each time I got pregnant. I started back up after the first two kids though because my husband smoked too.  However when the Sage was born, my husband and I were separated and I didn't resume smoking.  I didn't want my newborn baby boy to smell the cigarette smoke on my skin when I nursed him.  I didn't want him inhaling second hand smoke.  Didn't think it was fair to him.  It was easier than I expected to not smoke.  There have been a few times in the last 11 years that I have puffed on a cigarette; however the last time was about 7 years ago.  That time when I took a drag it made me physically sick.  I have not had a drag since.

My ex-husband still smokes and so does his wife.  I told Ladybug to reflect on why she started smoking and address that issue instead of continuing to smoke.  I told her I was disappointed in her, that I thought she loved herself more than that to be a smoker.  She said she started smoking last summer and that she liked the buzz it gives her (doesn't everyone, that's why we keep smoking, duh!) and that she would quit eventually but that it wasn't going to be today or tomorrow.  She then said that she believes that you only live once (YOLO in text speak) and she wasn't going to keep herself from experiencing things that are here on earth.  Then she gave me some lame excuse that at least she wasn't smoking crack, drinking or doing heroin.  She also tried to make me feel better by saying her smoking was not proof that I failed as a parent.  I laughed uncomfortably and said this was not about me, but about her choices and how disappointed I am in them.

This was not a fun conversation.  I repeated my plea that she think long and hard about this expensive path of self sabotage she was on and that she make the decision to quit now before it becomes too difficult.  She just looked at me.  I could tell by the look in her eyes that she had checked out of our conversation.  So I stood up and said to her, "well I can tell you no longer care about anything I'm saying."  She said nothing and just looked through me. 

I let her father know.  He is devastated as well.

Sigh, oh Ladybug, I hope you come to your senses before it's too late.

Sweaty Armpits!!!

Oh my gawd getting older is just one biological phenomenon after another!!!
In this post Growing Older not as much fun as it seems, I wrote a paragraph about some of the physical changes you go through as you age and I naively stated that these changes "...are not necessarily welcomed but they do not shock you."    Well I can unequivocally state that the random perspiration in my armpits is definitely shocking, not welcome and I had no clue this was even coming! 

The first time it happened was last fall.  I thought it was because it was still 100 degrees outside with humidity levels approaching 100%.  But then it continued to occur throughout the winter months (maybe I was dressing too warmly?)  I thought something was wrong with me and put it on my list of symptoms to research on the internet when I happened to be watching a rerun of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days on cable and saw a scene where Kate Hudson is talking rapidly and begins to put tissues under her arm pits.  And I said "YES!"  and pointed at the screen.   I knew exactly what she was going through.  However when I saw the movie the first time ten years ago, I did not understand or even recognize the significance of the paper towel move.  It was not on my radar screen.

Last night my son, the Rockstar, asked me if I was trying to fly somewhere when he saw me doing my interpretation of the Chicken Dance in the kitchen as I was trying to dry out my armpits.  I laughed and told him to just bring me some paper towels. 

I don't know how long this is supposed to last but when I surveyed my peer group of girlfriends, they are in the same sweaty boat.  It is nice to know I am not alone.  There are many web sites devoted to hyperhidrosis.  I'm sure the answer is in there somewhere.

I wonder what physical change I can expect next? I'm doing my best to age gracefully, sweaty armpits and all.