there is a girl
she called me a whore
and
old;
I smiled
and
asked
when did you find time
to get off your back?
Friday, June 6, 2014
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Sparky 2006-2014
The first time I saw him I knew he would become a part of our family. I was sitting in the minivan with the kids just after church and I spotted two young beagle/lab(?) mix puppies sauntering back and forth across the street having so much fun. I could almost hear their laughter from the smiles across their faces.
The children and I worked with another family to corral the two dogs and put them in their backyard. We fell in love with both dogs immediately but I knew I wouldn't have the stamina to have two puppies. We left both dogs with the other family for our weekend trip to my brother's place in Oklahoma. When we came back, the other family asked if we wanted one of the puppies. We jumped at the chance and crossed our fingers that we could have the one they had named Sparky. We brought him home that hot August day in 2006. We were all thrilled. I was thinking I must be crazy to take on a dog along with raising three children (11, 7 and 3) by myself. But somehow I knew he belonged with us.
He fit right in. He bonded with my ladybug and became truly HER dog. Whenever she was around, he preferred her. He would tolerate the rest of us but his heart was glued tightly and forever to her. They played together. She nursed him through his recovery from the neutering procedure. (He was approximately 9 months old when he joined our family). He followed her wherever she went. He was her best friend.
Ladybug started playing the saxophone in 6th grade that year. She would sit on the back porch practicing her scales and her lessons while Sparky sat beside her, howling and singing right along with her. They were my very own lounge act. I loved it. She loved it. And Sparky loved it.
He also loved to hide his prized possessions. One time my sister gave Sparky (and our other dog Toby - we got him a year after Sparky & that was when I KNEW I was crazy) some chew toys. Sparky loved getting chew toys and going to work immediately on them. However chew toys that resembled a bone were like gold to Sparky and he would set out to find the best hiding spot for it. The scene would go like this:
Sparky would lurk around with the 'bone' in his mouth casting sideways glances at the two-legged and four-legged inhabitants, assessing who was watching, was it safe to hide it. When he felt it was, he'd 'hide' it (maybe under a shoe or next to a back pack or under his sock collection). And he'd walk back to the living room with the rest of us. Toby would go 'find' the bone, retrieve it, bring it to the center of the room and start chewing on it. Sparky would look at him with disbelief that it was found. He would be thinking "How does he know? Every. Single. Time?" Sometimes Sparky would go so far as to hide it outside. Toby would go out a few minutes later and bring the bone back inside. Toby would chew on it for a few minutes and then abandon it to sit in the picture window barking at the falling leaves or two-legged creatures who might be breathing one street over.
Once abandoned Sparky would tip toe back to the bone, pick it up in his mouth and start looking for a better place to hide it. As long as you were watching him, he'd act like it was no big deal having a bone in his mouth. Once he thought you weren't watching him, he'd hide it again. Maybe this time in between shoes or besides the foot of the couch always making sure to creep away from it in order to not draw attention to it. Within seconds of Sparky hiding it, Toby would be picking it up again. This would go on for hours. Watching this dynamic would leave us in stitches.
He loved going on walks around Carondelet Park. He had to put up with being on a tandem leash and having Toby pull and bark the whole time. When he did get to go on walks solo, he seemed to relish in the peace and quiet and attempted to pee on every tree, bush, fire hydrant, and mulch pile. One time Ladybug had him on a walk and when they returned home, Sparky was sopping wet. I asked what had happened and Ladybug told me through her tears and laughter that he just fell in Boat Lake. Walking along minding his own business and not paying attention, splash! he went into the water.
He loved his sleep and especially on the big bed in Ladybug's room. If you entered the room after they had retired for the night, he growled and barked so ferociously that if you didn't know better, you'd be concerned he'd bite your head off. He was simply being protective.
When Ladybug went off to college and I started my chemo treatments, he followed me around. He laid on the flokati rug beside my bed; he snuggled next to me on the couch in the basement; he laid beside the couch in the living room. Wherever my tired, cancer-fighting body was laying he was there. He would follow me to the kitchen, to the bathroom, outside, to the laundry room. He became my shadow. But his heart was still betrothed to Ladybug. Sometimes when we would Facetime, Sparky would hear her voice and spend the whole convo trying to find her. We thought it so cute and endearing at the time not thinking that maybe his heart was hurting with her absence.
I thanked Sparky last night for helping me through my chemo treatments, for being there when I couldn't breathe (a side effect of one of the drugs) and giving me a calm, loving face to focus on as I attempted to relax and get air back in my lungs. I thanked him for keeping me warm all those fucking cold winter days/nights when the cold sensitivity made being anywhere painful. I apologized to him that I couldn't help him get better. And I thanked him for staying alive long enough to let Ladybug hold him close and kiss his face while he was put to sleep.
Our hearts are breaking. Our grief is real. We loved him so.
The children and I worked with another family to corral the two dogs and put them in their backyard. We fell in love with both dogs immediately but I knew I wouldn't have the stamina to have two puppies. We left both dogs with the other family for our weekend trip to my brother's place in Oklahoma. When we came back, the other family asked if we wanted one of the puppies. We jumped at the chance and crossed our fingers that we could have the one they had named Sparky. We brought him home that hot August day in 2006. We were all thrilled. I was thinking I must be crazy to take on a dog along with raising three children (11, 7 and 3) by myself. But somehow I knew he belonged with us.
He fit right in. He bonded with my ladybug and became truly HER dog. Whenever she was around, he preferred her. He would tolerate the rest of us but his heart was glued tightly and forever to her. They played together. She nursed him through his recovery from the neutering procedure. (He was approximately 9 months old when he joined our family). He followed her wherever she went. He was her best friend.
Ladybug started playing the saxophone in 6th grade that year. She would sit on the back porch practicing her scales and her lessons while Sparky sat beside her, howling and singing right along with her. They were my very own lounge act. I loved it. She loved it. And Sparky loved it.
He also loved to hide his prized possessions. One time my sister gave Sparky (and our other dog Toby - we got him a year after Sparky & that was when I KNEW I was crazy) some chew toys. Sparky loved getting chew toys and going to work immediately on them. However chew toys that resembled a bone were like gold to Sparky and he would set out to find the best hiding spot for it. The scene would go like this:
Sparky would lurk around with the 'bone' in his mouth casting sideways glances at the two-legged and four-legged inhabitants, assessing who was watching, was it safe to hide it. When he felt it was, he'd 'hide' it (maybe under a shoe or next to a back pack or under his sock collection). And he'd walk back to the living room with the rest of us. Toby would go 'find' the bone, retrieve it, bring it to the center of the room and start chewing on it. Sparky would look at him with disbelief that it was found. He would be thinking "How does he know? Every. Single. Time?" Sometimes Sparky would go so far as to hide it outside. Toby would go out a few minutes later and bring the bone back inside. Toby would chew on it for a few minutes and then abandon it to sit in the picture window barking at the falling leaves or two-legged creatures who might be breathing one street over.
Once abandoned Sparky would tip toe back to the bone, pick it up in his mouth and start looking for a better place to hide it. As long as you were watching him, he'd act like it was no big deal having a bone in his mouth. Once he thought you weren't watching him, he'd hide it again. Maybe this time in between shoes or besides the foot of the couch always making sure to creep away from it in order to not draw attention to it. Within seconds of Sparky hiding it, Toby would be picking it up again. This would go on for hours. Watching this dynamic would leave us in stitches.
He loved going on walks around Carondelet Park. He had to put up with being on a tandem leash and having Toby pull and bark the whole time. When he did get to go on walks solo, he seemed to relish in the peace and quiet and attempted to pee on every tree, bush, fire hydrant, and mulch pile. One time Ladybug had him on a walk and when they returned home, Sparky was sopping wet. I asked what had happened and Ladybug told me through her tears and laughter that he just fell in Boat Lake. Walking along minding his own business and not paying attention, splash! he went into the water.
He loved his sleep and especially on the big bed in Ladybug's room. If you entered the room after they had retired for the night, he growled and barked so ferociously that if you didn't know better, you'd be concerned he'd bite your head off. He was simply being protective.
When Ladybug went off to college and I started my chemo treatments, he followed me around. He laid on the flokati rug beside my bed; he snuggled next to me on the couch in the basement; he laid beside the couch in the living room. Wherever my tired, cancer-fighting body was laying he was there. He would follow me to the kitchen, to the bathroom, outside, to the laundry room. He became my shadow. But his heart was still betrothed to Ladybug. Sometimes when we would Facetime, Sparky would hear her voice and spend the whole convo trying to find her. We thought it so cute and endearing at the time not thinking that maybe his heart was hurting with her absence.
I thanked Sparky last night for helping me through my chemo treatments, for being there when I couldn't breathe (a side effect of one of the drugs) and giving me a calm, loving face to focus on as I attempted to relax and get air back in my lungs. I thanked him for keeping me warm all those fucking cold winter days/nights when the cold sensitivity made being anywhere painful. I apologized to him that I couldn't help him get better. And I thanked him for staying alive long enough to let Ladybug hold him close and kiss his face while he was put to sleep.
Our hearts are breaking. Our grief is real. We loved him so.
Sparky
2006-2014
RIP
Friday, April 25, 2014
Post chemo PET Scan results
I know I am breathing easier, dear readers, as you are too. I meet with my oncologist next week for my first follow up visit. I envision our conversation will be just as interesting as it was during our bi-weekly visits the last seven months:
Doc: "how are you feeling"
Me: rambling on and on about this side effect and that side effect and giving unsolicited advice on how to better interact with his patients and asking to be prescribed something to relieve the pain in my hands/feet...
Doc: "okay see you in 3 months, bye."
But all that won't bother me because for now (and hopefully forever) I do not have any evidence of cancer. I do have lingering and painful side effects. It will be so nice when my nerves have healed and my skin is no longer sensitive to everything. Certain fabrics feel like sandpaper against my skin! (perfect excuse to purchase a set of 1500 thread count sheets from Amazon... they are A-MAZ-ING!).
I'm also dealing with arthritis in my hands and elbows but my taste buds have rejoined the living world. Thankfully my hands tire out quickly so holding a fork for a long time is not possible therefore I am not able to overeat and regain all the weight I lost.
Anyway, I am happy. The sun is shining. The weather is warmer. And I am healthy. Tons to be thankful for!!! ((Hugs))
Monday, March 31, 2014
What you need is just a little adjustment...
It's been 30 days since I was disconnected from chemotherapy... and a few of the side effects have waned but the numbness in my fingertips and the balls of my feet along with the electrical spasms in my ankle tendons are still happening. I did a little research online and some colon cancer survivors report that their chemo side effects peaked at one month, then dissipated; others report that it was 2 months or 3 months. And one reported that it had not gone away at all and that her fingerprints had also disappeared. Well I immediately checked out my finger tips and guess what, my prints are disappearing too! I pray this does not mean the neuropathy is here to stay (pray with me dear readers, pray with me). I'm continuing my supplements and hope after my PET scan later this month that my oncologist will let me also add the Methyl folate supplement to my regimen.
This morning I saw my chiropractor for my usual acupuncture appointment. I told her of my continuing side effects and she said she wanted to try something different... she adjusted my back, my neck, my hands... did a little massage on my neck and spine/back and then put the electrical stimulus on my neck and upper back. Boy that was interesting feeling my right arm and shoulder twitch (a reflex to the stimulus) while the left did not. She said that the neck area controlled so many of the nerves in the hands that she hoped I would get some relief. I will see her again in two weeks and said if it's the same, then I want her to put acupuncture needles ALL over my body... make me look like a porcupine for 20 minutes.
Anyway here's hoping I get some improvement because it is so weird typing with no feeling in my fingertips. Believe me, so weird!
This morning I saw my chiropractor for my usual acupuncture appointment. I told her of my continuing side effects and she said she wanted to try something different... she adjusted my back, my neck, my hands... did a little massage on my neck and spine/back and then put the electrical stimulus on my neck and upper back. Boy that was interesting feeling my right arm and shoulder twitch (a reflex to the stimulus) while the left did not. She said that the neck area controlled so many of the nerves in the hands that she hoped I would get some relief. I will see her again in two weeks and said if it's the same, then I want her to put acupuncture needles ALL over my body... make me look like a porcupine for 20 minutes.
Anyway here's hoping I get some improvement because it is so weird typing with no feeling in my fingertips. Believe me, so weird!
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Love, it's what life's about.
Remembering...
365 days ago I couldn't sleep; I packed & rechecked my bags; I looked at the special gifts I had selected just for my Fox (special chocolates like no other in the world, a beautiful blue tie, a USB filled with special songs, cards with my heart written on every spare inch); I was so ready to be back in his arms & feel his kisses. And I was nervous because it was snowing steadily, would my plane even make it out?
Yep that was then. This is now.
In the morning I met realtors at my grandparents' condo. I packed up grandma's crystal serving dishes & candy jars wondering how I'm going to be able to get rid of it all. In the afternoon I put the second coat of paint on the trim in the Sage's room and thought and thought. There's something about the repetitive motion of painting that lets me trip through my memories undisturbed. And then Fox and I facetimed. I haven't spoken with him in over a month. Although we talked for nearly an hour, I'm always left feeling like there's so much more I wanted to tell him. I'm still disappointed as I wrote in my previous posting, but I don't let it get to me. Life is too short to dwell.
He said I still make his stomach flip. He said he wished he could be here with me cuddling. I agreed but told him the cuddle would come after a few well-placed & well-deserved smacks on his arms. He laughed. He got the gist.
After lamenting that time & distance had impeded us (& other things/people too I might add), I reminded him that the Universe has her plans & time frames and we never know what's in store. So don't give up hope, someday it could come true. But don't put your life on hold, because again it's too short. Way. Too. Short.
It was nice to see him, hear his voice, watch him toss his head back when laughing and catch the twinkle in his eyes that entranced me right off my barstool and into his arms.
We're both different from when we first met, yet the same too. I like that. The link above recorded how I felt on the anniversary of our meeting... Even with all the ups, downs, sideways and 360degree rotations, there is still a Fox print engraved on my heart & soul. Don't worry dear readers, I'm still moving forward with my life. Just letting the Universe do her thing... and thanking her for the beauty & love that surrounds me even if it's 4199 miles away.
Okay enough of the mushy stuff, here's the latest cancer update:
23 days post chemo... Hair not falling out, actually have wisps of new growth; still get fatigued but been going to Zumba twice/week & trying to move more so my muscles gain strength back; numbness & tingling continue in fingers & balls of feet accompanied by annoying spasms of my ankle tendons... Let's just say WEIRD!!!
PET scan April 23, see oncologist April 29. First port flush on April 7.
Sad news: one of my support group buddies died from pancreatic cancer last week. He fought it for 2.5 years. I hope he was able to get all the family home movies transferred to DVD like he wanted.
Sad news 2.0: met a woman diagnosed jan 2013 w gallbladder cancer. She had surgery, did preventative chemo (adjuvant like I did) & her cancer came back in January 2014 & this time docs have given her 6 months to live. Ugh my heart just breaks for her. She's 42 & has two boys 8 & 10!
I have so many thoughts that race through my mind regarding cancer but it will have to be another post.
And finally sad news 3.0: my former exercise instructor (not Zumba) at the Y was recently diagnosed with leukemia. She is 41, in TOP NOTCH physical shape, has no insurance & two young kids (under 5 years old).... Why oh why oh why?
Did I mention that life is too short?
Hug your loved ones, call those friends on your mind, make & keep lunch/dinner dates, laugh as often as possible, put love first... In other words LIVE while you can.
Peace, love & hugs to all of you my dear readers wherever you are in our Universe.
-the Philosopher
365 days ago I couldn't sleep; I packed & rechecked my bags; I looked at the special gifts I had selected just for my Fox (special chocolates like no other in the world, a beautiful blue tie, a USB filled with special songs, cards with my heart written on every spare inch); I was so ready to be back in his arms & feel his kisses. And I was nervous because it was snowing steadily, would my plane even make it out?
Yep that was then. This is now.
In the morning I met realtors at my grandparents' condo. I packed up grandma's crystal serving dishes & candy jars wondering how I'm going to be able to get rid of it all. In the afternoon I put the second coat of paint on the trim in the Sage's room and thought and thought. There's something about the repetitive motion of painting that lets me trip through my memories undisturbed. And then Fox and I facetimed. I haven't spoken with him in over a month. Although we talked for nearly an hour, I'm always left feeling like there's so much more I wanted to tell him. I'm still disappointed as I wrote in my previous posting, but I don't let it get to me. Life is too short to dwell.
He said I still make his stomach flip. He said he wished he could be here with me cuddling. I agreed but told him the cuddle would come after a few well-placed & well-deserved smacks on his arms. He laughed. He got the gist.
After lamenting that time & distance had impeded us (& other things/people too I might add), I reminded him that the Universe has her plans & time frames and we never know what's in store. So don't give up hope, someday it could come true. But don't put your life on hold, because again it's too short. Way. Too. Short.
It was nice to see him, hear his voice, watch him toss his head back when laughing and catch the twinkle in his eyes that entranced me right off my barstool and into his arms.
We're both different from when we first met, yet the same too. I like that. The link above recorded how I felt on the anniversary of our meeting... Even with all the ups, downs, sideways and 360degree rotations, there is still a Fox print engraved on my heart & soul. Don't worry dear readers, I'm still moving forward with my life. Just letting the Universe do her thing... and thanking her for the beauty & love that surrounds me even if it's 4199 miles away.
Okay enough of the mushy stuff, here's the latest cancer update:
23 days post chemo... Hair not falling out, actually have wisps of new growth; still get fatigued but been going to Zumba twice/week & trying to move more so my muscles gain strength back; numbness & tingling continue in fingers & balls of feet accompanied by annoying spasms of my ankle tendons... Let's just say WEIRD!!!
PET scan April 23, see oncologist April 29. First port flush on April 7.
Sad news: one of my support group buddies died from pancreatic cancer last week. He fought it for 2.5 years. I hope he was able to get all the family home movies transferred to DVD like he wanted.
Sad news 2.0: met a woman diagnosed jan 2013 w gallbladder cancer. She had surgery, did preventative chemo (adjuvant like I did) & her cancer came back in January 2014 & this time docs have given her 6 months to live. Ugh my heart just breaks for her. She's 42 & has two boys 8 & 10!
I have so many thoughts that race through my mind regarding cancer but it will have to be another post.
And finally sad news 3.0: my former exercise instructor (not Zumba) at the Y was recently diagnosed with leukemia. She is 41, in TOP NOTCH physical shape, has no insurance & two young kids (under 5 years old).... Why oh why oh why?
Did I mention that life is too short?
Hug your loved ones, call those friends on your mind, make & keep lunch/dinner dates, laugh as often as possible, put love first... In other words LIVE while you can.
Peace, love & hugs to all of you my dear readers wherever you are in our Universe.
-the Philosopher
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