True Love - A Practice

I was introduced to the book True Love: A Practice for Awakening the Heart by Thich Nhat Hanh on the website www.brainpickings.org

(In fact, I have been introduced to quite a lot via that website.  If you are interested in expanding your intellectual capacity I highly recommend giving her a visit.)

Anyway, my interest was piqued reading her essay about this book and I rushed to the public library website and promptly reserved me a copy.  I have renewed it twice already.  It's a short book, 104 pages.  Written very simply but worth reading and re-reading.  I think I will end up just buying my own copy.  I can only renew it one more time before I have to return it.  I wanted to share with you my readers an extremely brief synopsis of the four aspects of love as described in the book.  For a much more in depth and beautifully written essay, go to brainpickings and read hers.

Here is my summary...

According to Buddhism, there are four aspects of true love:

1) Maitri meaning loving-kindness or benevolence.  It's the desire AND the ability to bring joy and happiness to the person you love.  "Because even if your intention is to love this person, your love might make him or her suffer."

2) Karuna meaning compassion.  This is the desire AND the ability to ease the pain of another person. 

To bring joy and compassion you must practice "deep-looking" or searching for understanding of your love.  Because when you know and understand his or her aspirations and his or her sufferings, you can bring joy and ease pain.  How often do we actually practice "deep-looking" with the people we love (including our family and friends)?

3) Mudita meaning joy.  "If there is no joy in love, it is not true love.  If you are suffering all the time, if you cry all the time, and if you make the person you love cry, this is not really love -- it is even the opposite.  If there is no joy in your love, you can be sure it is not true love."

and

4) Upeksha meaning equanimity or freedom.  "In true love, you attain freedom.  When you love, you bring freedom to the person you love.  If the opposite is true, it is not true love.  You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free, not only outside but also inside.  'Dear one, do you have enough space in your heart and all around you?'  This is an intelligent question for testing out whether your love is something real."

Hanh goes on to say that to love in the context of buddhism is to be there. To bring your true presence to your loved one, not only your body but your mind too.  He suggests this mantra to say to help you stay truly present, "Dear one, I am really here for you." 

I had several ah-ha moments while reading True Love.  And each time I re-read a passage or paragraph or dwell on a definition, I gain more insight into what was preventing earlier relationships from being true love.  I am definitely more at peace in my current relationship with 007 than earlier ones (especially Mike and my fox).  I am practicing deep-looking and being present.  I am learning what it feels like to love according to Buddha.  It is different, scary at times but there is no suffering like before.  I like that.  I will continue practicing true love and awakening my heart to it.

Thanks for stopping by and I hope you have true love already.  If not, may you find each other and enjoy it for the rest of your days.

"Dear one, I am here for you."
~The Philosopher

Relationship PTSD

Hi. I’m the Minivan Philosopher and I have Relationship PTSD. 

Yep that’s what I wrote.  Relationship PTSD (R-PTSD).  The first step towards healing is admitting it.

 Most people suffer from R-PTSD but they call it ‘baggage’ or ‘issues’ or ‘acting crazy’.  When it is in actuality all of those things wrapped up together that form R-PTSD.  (Appropriately the acronym reads Re-PeaTing Stupid Dynamics.  Lord knows I repeated enough stupid dynamics in my relationships.)

 Why did I coin this term?  What is happening in my life that brought it to the forefront?  Am I in a difficult relationship? No. There is no relationship chaos.  It’s going just fine. And I’ve realized because of the absence of chaos, my baggage, my issues, my R-PTSD tendencies are flaring up and have nowhere to go except to sit right in front of my face making me name them and process through them. I am very uncomfortable.  It’s as if the tendencies or habits want me to give life to them, bring them out of the dark, damp place they’ve been resting since the end of my last relationship so they can assume their rightful and normal place in this new relationship.  This is the first time in my life though that I can see those tendencies with clarity and more insight than ever before.  I don’t want them to intrude upon my happiness or peacefulness.  But I can’t ignore them.  That is more dangerous.   If ignored, they will manifest in different ways and probably be very ugly too.  Nope, I must look each of them in the face as they stir to life and acknowledge where they came from, the hurt that created them and free them of feeling that they must protect me.  I need to forgive.  Forgive those that came before and forgive myself.

It started this way…

Love, it's what life's about.

Remembering...

365 days ago I couldn't sleep; I packed & rechecked my bags; I looked at the special gifts I had selected just for my Fox (special chocolates like no other in the world, a beautiful blue tie, a USB filled with special songs, cards with my heart written on every spare inch); I was so ready to be back in his arms & feel his kisses. And I was nervous because it was snowing steadily, would my plane even make it out?

Yep that was then. This is now.

In the morning I met realtors at my grandparents' condo. I packed up grandma's crystal serving dishes & candy jars wondering how I'm going to be able to get rid of it all. In the afternoon I put the second coat of paint on the trim in the Sage's room and thought and thought. There's something about the repetitive motion of painting that lets me trip through my memories undisturbed.  And then Fox and I facetimed. I haven't spoken with him in over a month. Although we talked for nearly an hour, I'm always left feeling like there's so much more I wanted to tell him. I'm still disappointed as I wrote in my previous posting, but I don't let it get to me.   Life is too short to dwell.

He said I still make his stomach flip. He said he wished he could be here with me cuddling. I agreed but told him the cuddle would come after a few well-placed & well-deserved smacks on his arms. He laughed. He got the gist.

After lamenting that time & distance had impeded us (& other things/people too I might add), I reminded him that the Universe has her plans & time frames and we never know what's in store. So don't give up hope, someday it could come true. But don't put your life on hold, because again it's too short. Way. Too. Short.

It was nice to see him, hear his voice, watch him toss his head back when laughing and catch the twinkle in his eyes that entranced me right off my barstool and into his arms.

We're both different from when we first met, yet the same too. I like that. The link above recorded how I felt on the anniversary of our meeting... Even with all the ups, downs, sideways and 360degree rotations, there is still a Fox print engraved on my heart & soul. Don't worry dear readers, I'm still moving forward with my life. Just letting the Universe do her thing... and thanking her for the beauty & love that surrounds me even if it's 4199 miles away.

Okay enough of the mushy stuff, here's the latest cancer update:
23 days post chemo... Hair not falling out, actually have wisps of new growth; still get fatigued but been going to Zumba twice/week & trying to move more so my muscles gain strength back; numbness & tingling continue in fingers & balls of feet accompanied by annoying spasms of my ankle tendons... Let's just say WEIRD!!!

PET scan April 23, see oncologist April 29. First port flush on April 7.

Sad news: one of my support group buddies died from pancreatic cancer last week. He fought it for 2.5 years. I hope he was able to get all the family home movies transferred to DVD like he wanted.

Sad news 2.0: met a woman diagnosed jan 2013 w gallbladder cancer. She had surgery, did preventative chemo (adjuvant like I did) & her cancer came back in January 2014 & this time docs have given her 6 months to live. Ugh my heart just breaks for her. She's 42 & has two boys 8 & 10!
I have so many thoughts that race through my mind regarding cancer but it will have to be another post.

And finally sad news 3.0: my former exercise instructor (not Zumba) at the Y was recently diagnosed with leukemia. She is 41, in TOP NOTCH physical shape, has no insurance & two young kids (under 5 years old).... Why oh why oh why?

Did I mention that life is too short?

Hug your loved ones, call those friends on your mind, make & keep lunch/dinner dates, laugh as often as possible, put love first... In other words LIVE while you can.

Peace, love & hugs to all of you my dear readers wherever you are in our Universe.
-the Philosopher

Out of the Fox hole finally...

 

 

 

It is very clear to me where I stand with the Fox. I have distanced myself and he has not noticed at all.  I have finished my chemo treatment and he was the only one of my friends who did not say anything about it.  I asked him for one thing, a playlist, for me to listen to during my 12 treatments of chemotherapy.  He did not deliver.  He had over six months and the only thing he did was send me a link to one song that was going to be on the list.  As I reflect back on our time together, his actions rarely matched his words. (I wrote about this in my post All I Ever Wanted.)

 

I don't miss the emotional rollercoaster that I was on with him.  I don't miss the way he would spin everything to suit him. I don't miss the way he would latch on to personal things I would share with him that he would then use against me at every opportunity to make himself feel superior or to justify his actions.  I don't miss being accused of snogging or shagging every single man who said hello to me.  I don't miss that jealousy. I don't miss his chimp-on-the-loose.

 

I do miss our funny banter and our passion and our intellectual compatibility.  And I do grieve the loss of the fantasy that he promised. But his issues and his problems are too toxic for me.  I am disappointed that he could not be the sort of friend that I had hoped he could be and that I had witnessed during my surgical recovery. 

 

He has his new girlfriend.  They have their plans.  Good for them. He has a BUNCH of baggage and has left holes in quite a few hearts along the way.  But this girl, former "love of his life" has worked hard to patch the holes he left in mine and it is stronger than ever.  That is the most important thing.

Look at it with me.

She whispered to me, "Are you looking at the moon?"  I shook my head no. 

She said "Look at it.  Look at it with me." 

I didn't want to look at the moon.  I didn't want to be reminded of the distance between us.  "I'm in bed already," I replied.  And I was. I was snuggled up with my duvet around my neck.  If I got out of bed, the cold air would hit me, another sharp reminder of our distance.  I had had too many reminders of that lately.

"I love looking at the moon," She replied smiling at me.  "It is so beautiful and full tonight.  I can't keep my eyes off it."   "Please, Fox, just come to the window and look at it quickly.  You will be blown away."

"Okay," I replied hesitantly. "But it's gonna be quick. It's so cold."

"Thank you," she whispered.  She looked at me with her big blue eyes and wrinkled her nose like an excited young girl. "Come now, come. Look.  What do you think?"

I got out of bed, hurried to my window.  I pushed back the curtains and twisted my head upwards.  There it was shining brightly against the black sky, the moon.  And it was full. I stood there looking at it for minutes.  I tried to look away but my eyes wanted to see more of it.  My heart wanted to gaze on it forever.  My soul warmed under the light of the moon.  I didn't notice the cold.

"What do you think?" She asked again.  "Isn't it beautiful?"

"Yes, it is. So very much." I replied. 

"You know, when I look at the moon, I see love.  It's like my love for you flows up to the moon and then she beams it back down on you and vice versa.  And for a while, I am bathed in your shining love." she said.

"But we are so distant and have been.  How can you feel my love?" I asked her without taking my gaze off the moon.

"I just do.  I don't know how to explain it other than love is one of those wondrous gifts of the universe and the moon makes sure lovers feel it.  We can be miles and miles apart but we always see the same moon."  She paused while she returned her gaze upward.

"And," she continued, "when we look at the moon at the same time, our love is shared instantly.  No waiting till it gets dark or adjusting for time differences.  It's right then, right there, the moon beaming to each of us."  She smiled and wiped a tear.

I looked at her.  I looked at the moon.  It was shining so bright, I could see for miles in the dark.  I hadn't ever thought of the moon as beaming love to the world, much less her love for me being beamed straight to me.  I liked it.  I smiled.  I reached my hand up to the moon and touched the window pane.  "I'm touching her with my love," I thought.  "She feels it."

"Thank you for looking at the moon with me tonight, for listening and for beaming your love to me," she said with a toss of her head and a smile.  "I have gathered it up and am storing it for the future."

I looked at her smiling face and kissed it.  I didn't know what else to say; I just gazed at her.  I didn't notice the distance.  For this moment it was gone.  There was just her, myself, the moon and our love.

"Let's look again tomorrow, yes?" I said.

"And every night." she whispered.

S-P-L-A-T!!! Part one...

Readers,
I wasn't sure how to start this posting... what a two week period!  I was so excited that I thought I had found the magical formula for my chemo recovery.  I didn't get my acupuncture until a week after my chemo dose and my hands/feet were really in pain this time.  I informed my acupuncturist that she could take no more vacations until after I am finished with treatment.

There's so much to say that I'll try to hit bullet points:
1) Removed any remaining links to Mike when I switched phone/cable companies.  And saving $1,000/year in the process.  That made me happy. 
2) Got a call on a Saturday from Slucare complaining that I had let my bill get out of hand and I wasn't paying them enough.  I was so angry at them.  I told them they charged too much and reminded them that I write a check each time I go to chemo.  They said "yeah but it's not enough and that they can't guarantee that it won't go to collections."  I told them I wasn't paying any more than I already was and if they wanted me to survive chemo to quit adding stress to my life.

3) Sent letter to my Fox telling him I needed a break. 

Words, time, opportunities..

What showed up in my newsfeed... how timely & appropriate...
oh how the universe recognizes my struggles...

I think I can... I think I can..

I feel like I've ignored my readers because I haven't blogged lately.  But the tingling and random paralysis in my hands from the freaking chemo treatment has made it difficult to type much less cook, wash dishes, open doors, zip zippers, drive the car etc...  And with the onset of autumn and winter just around the corner it's not going to get any easier.

However... Three things I have done for myself: 1) joined the Missouri Botanical Gardens and have gone to sit in the Climatron just to breathe in all that great oxygen from the living, healing plants; 2) incorporated hot Epsom salt tub soaks to try to pull the chemo toxins out of my body through the skin; and 3) started drinking the "life changing smoothie" each day.  Still too early to tell the results but at least I feel like I'm doing something or in control just a wee tiny bit. (A friend also recommended that I use amber to help keep my hands warm.  She located a place nearby that sells it and I have added it to my list of 'things to do'.)

I am feeling more tired towards the end of the workday than before.  My body just wants to rest.  And the thought of crawling into my warm bed and drifting off to dreamland where there is no chemotherapy, there are no medical bills, no home repairs to make, my Fox isn't a million miles away, and my book is done and sold is so tempting and inviting.  However, the boys have after school and evening activities that they need taxiing to/fro that makes me stay up, stay awake and stay in my reality.

It is what it is right now.  I only have 16 more weeks of treatment.  Just 16, I can make it.  I'll be the little engine that could.  Thanks for riding along with me.

Koi No Yokan...

Why I love languages...

Koi No Yokan is Japanese for:

"The sense upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall in love"
(I can tell you exactly where I was, what I was doing, what I was wearing, and what he was doing when koi no yokan happened to me.)

Lots more linguistic treasures in the link above... enjoy.  If you feel like it, come back and put in the comments your favorite word from the article or another word that should be included.

Thanks for stopping by and reading!

Five regrets

Five regrets people confess on their deathbed


I like to read the blog in the link above. I find the postings to be insightful and so refreshing to read such posts from the male perspective. However, the link above is not gender specific; it is universal and I knew I had to share it with my readers.

I've been given a second chance at life because the cancer was found early, removed and now with the extra whammy of chemo, I can be cured of it.  And I'm resolved to not have any of these five regrets when I'm at my deathbed many many decades from now. I'm not going to waste this gift of life.  It is too precious.

I encourage you to click on the link and read it, reflect on it. How we live our lives is completely in our control and reflect our choices.  I choose to be happy.  Do you?

Top five regrets rewritten to be top five actions to live with no regrets...
1. Courage to live a life true to myself
2. Not work so hard.
3. Express my feelings
4. Stay in touch with my friends
5. Let myself be happier

Peace.

O-R-I-S-T-O-E-T & R-A-E-H

How I feel when playing Words with Friends with my Fox...

What she said....

This poem was written by a friend of mine from high school.  She had posted it to her Facebook page and it resonated deeply, to my core,  with me.  I couldn't have written it any better.  I'm putting it here so I can always have a copy and so you can read it too.  Let's discuss, let's explore, let's decide.

Move Me - by Melanie H.

I want to be moved
dammit,
so move me
move me
make me
feel
push me past
my resistance
into that wide open space
give me something
beyond
the ordinary
beyond what you give
to the rest of the world
show me your naked soul
and I will gasp at your beauty
show me your unveiled eyes
and I will weep at your truth
show me your heart
cracked and broken
and I will hold it
with more tenderness
than you could ever possibly
imagine
and if you trust me
if you give me time
I will show you how
those very cracks
make you whole
I crave a depth
uncommon
I crave a meaning
deeper than
surface
I crave a glimpse
of spirit
divine
and I crave a touch
so primal and
earthly that it brings me
to my knees.
you bring me
to my knees.
I want transcendence
I want to be shattered
I want to gasp at the
brilliance of
ordinary moments
and extraordinary times
and these are the most
ordinary
extraordinary times
so shatter me
I want to know the secrets
your bones hold
I want to see drums of passion
beat
behind your fluttering
eyelids
I want to know what moves
you
Where your center lies
and just how far I can go before
I reach the edge
of you.
I want to feel
everything
push myself to feel
more
push myself past the pain
lean hard against discomfort
fight numbness
and complacency and
comfort
in search of
more
in search of this
in search of that blinding
searing
goddess power
to touch the
muse
to break the spell
to move the world
I want to be moved
dammit
so move me.

Celibate, sober & toxic

Bullet points:

IV port to be put in me sometime this week (probably Thursday or Friday, I'm guessing.)  It will be an all day affair and I will be sedated (not intubated, but sedated) so I've got to have someone drive me and stay with me; I'm trying to line that up. 

 

Chemo to start most likely next Tuesday.  They prefer to do chemo Mon or Tues and I have dental appointment Mon, so there you have it.  But Dr.'s assistant will call me with the actual dates. 

 

Lengthy explanation:

That story has ended.

Just when I was worried that my life was going to become even more complicated, poof just like that, the Universe provides.

He dropped by unannounced yesterday.  He told me he had signed his divorce papers; that he had driven by my house every day for the last two weeks (never stopping or calling though); that he thought about me every day and wondered how I was doing; that he knew he had screwed up by not acknowledging my cancer; that he thought I had a new boyfriend when he saw a white truck in my driveway (uh that would be my ex's truck) that he cared about me so much; that he was there for me; and that he was scared. He held me close.  He kissed me.  I told him that I didn't know what to think anymore; that I have cancer and I will be going through chemotherapy and that I don't want to be with someone who isn't 'there for me'.  He said he was glad to see me and see that I was doing well.  He said he would call me today to tell me how it all went with the judge when they submitted their settlement to the courts.  I said okay, good luck.

I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away...

This song is one of my favorites.  It is hauntingly beautiful and timely. I posted a link to this song from youtube in an earlier post; you may have missed it. 

 

But just like with any poetry, some lyrics are relevant and others are not.  Yours to guess which ones hit home.

 

 

Hiding My Heart by Brandi Carlile

No place like home

I'm home. Happily relieved to be here. No more blood to give. No more complimentary "waxings" to receive when they rip the tape off my skin. No more bruises from shots. No more feeling like emotional sandpaper. No more green hospital gowns that wear on me like a tent. Nope, no more.

My sanity savers were my children, my family &  friends, my Fox, and Brandi Carlile's music. Without them, I wouldn't have made it through my 8 days post surgery hospitalization. And there could have very well been a prison sentence for me afterwards with the number of 'care partners' I wanted to kill. But I didn't and there isn't because of my sanity savers.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I will never forget.

Now I wait for post op visits, pathology reports & chemotherapy strategy. I'm okay with all that, because I am home.

Your Shoulders

are
for standing tall,
leaning against,
carrying others,
carrying me,
crying on,
resting on,
nuzzling,
and loving.

My heart thanks you.

To go box

Buffalo pork wings & half price sangria make the Philosopher happy on vacation.

Vacation

Dear readers,
The Philosopher, the Rockstar and the Sage (along with the Sage's best friend) are heading off to Chicago and then the lake house for vacation. We will return in a week. Internet service is sketchy at the lake house so postings will be infrequent. I will try though if something hits me that can't wait & the Internet gods comply simultaneously. However, I plan on reading & doing a lot of writing, swimming & jet skiing, long walks & napping. Below are some pictures from prior trips to the lake. You can see why we go every year.
Until next week then,
~the Philosopher

P.S. The link below is another song by Brandi Carlile that I wanted to share... The message is definitely relevant to me. If you haven't added this singer/songwriter to your music library, then do so without haste. I'm bummed that my vacation occurs at the same time as her concert in my lil' hamlet. But I will see her one day. It's on my bucket list. I will be listening to her over & over at the lake imagining  that I am at the concert too.


Hiding My Heart

On someone's mind?

Did this mean Fox was thinking of me yesterday? Was the Universe giving me a sign? I don't know, really. Could have been a coincidence or it could have been intended...

It was a beautiful night as 40-50,000 people made the arch grounds their chosen location to view the fireworks. As I maneuvered the crowd with my kids in tow vainly searching for four square feet of grass to sit on, I looked up and directly in front of me was a young military man wearing a t-shirt with the name of the location where my Fox is currently residing. I was speechless. The movement of the crowd dictated that I kept on searching for grass. And soon the t-shirt was out of sight.

Second instance was after the fireworks show as we ambled towards the light rail system, I smelled the fragrance of Fox's cologne. It came at me really light, then stronger, then faded away. I looked to see which one of the possible people around me could be wearing it. No way to tell but I was grateful to be smelling that versus the possible smells of trash, sweaty armpits & tired fair goers.

And thirdly, and this made me chuckle inside.... We came upon the light rail station and I noticed the line was getting long but was very orderly... I thought my Fox would be surprised at how nicely the brazen, independence-day-celebrating Americans were forming a civilized queue.

I don't know if he was thinking of me or not, but the Universe was & for that, I am grateful.