I need to be touched. I know this. I accept this. Everyday I need to have physical contact; it is essential to my survival. Sometimes it is satisfied while cuddling on the couch with my children as we watch our favorite television show or movie together. I wrap my arms around them and bring them close to my heart. There is a sense of peace and comfort that envelops all of us. Occasionally I will fall asleep while my kids remain awake. And sometimes, they drop off while encased in my arms. Whichever it is, it is good.
We kiss each other hello, goodbye and good night. It is just how we are and how we operate. In the morning, if we are rushing and don't get in that kiss goodbye, a frantic "I love you" is hollered as they run to catch to the school bus and a "I love you too!" hollered in return. I am comforted in knowing that if today were our last day together, the last words spoken were of love. Same at bed time, the last gesture towards each other no matter how stressful the day is one of love.
For the last several years, this contact with my children has sustained me. However, a few years ago, I began to realize that I needed more physical contact than my children are capable of giving. It really came to the surface when I began swing dancing. I found myself energized instead of exhausted after a night of swing dancing. I sought out more opportunities to dance, to experience that exchange of positive energy between me and my dance partner. I added Argentine Tango to my dance repertoire about a year later. I naively believed that I danced it because I loved the music and the dance. But I quickly began to understand that it was the touch, the embrace, the intimacy that I craved and that I loved in the dance. It became very important for me to find ways to satisfy the craving. A blissful week was when I could dance tango three to four times!
I'm not referring to this need to be touched as a sexual desire. Sure, I have those too, but this was more basic, more integral to my well-being than the occasional romp in the sack. It is the fulfillment of connecting with another human being without words - through movement and music. I am happy when wrapped in my lead's arms with my head resting on his; my soul fills with peace and calm. Energy is exchanged and I feel refreshed. But I also know that dancing tango is just one avenue for me to satisfy my need for touch.
Touch is very important to me in my romantic relationships as well. And this has been the most difficult need for me to reconcile. My experiences have consisted of wanting more touch than my partner either knows I want or is capable of giving. And again, I'm not talking about sex, necessarily, but rather, the small everyday touches: holding hands, light touch on the cheek, a caress of the arm, a hug that lasts 60 seconds or more, gently stroking the hair. These touches say to me that everything is okay. It is a subtle yet extremely powerful reassurance to me that I am loved and desired. And I find that I want to give those touches to my partner. I want to give him the assurance that he is loved and all is okay and there is a sense of peace between us.
Just like I cannot dance swing nor tango by myself, I know that I cannot be satisfied with being the only one to give the physical touches or assurances. I need it back. And I can't compromise on this - it is as vital to my well-being as oxygen. And until I have the lover who can give this to me, I will keep dancing.
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