One down, 11 to go

I'm home.  Happy to be here even my yappy canines make me smile (for right now anyway, that could change, they are pretty yappy).

Anyway, I have my lovely chemo fanny pack.  I'll be modeling it at this year's Fall Fashion Week in NYC - who wants to help me bedazzle it?  Inside my black chemo fanny pack (black because it's slimming, come on ladies, stay with me) is a baby bottle sized pump that has a balloon style "membrane" which holds the 5-FU medicine.  I personally thought it looked more like a condom than a balloon

Holy Fuck Monsters Batman!

Do you know what it's like to be thrust into a hormonal imbalance?  Waiting every day for it to get better?  Not really knowing if this emotion or that emotion is a side effect of the imbalance or just how it's going to be for the rest of your life?

Well it sucks.  Big. Time.

As regular readers know, one of the unexpected outcomes of my colon cancer surgery was the removal of an ovary that was encased in an endometrial cyst.  It was simply too dangerous to leave in although it was not cancerous.  That action has impacted my life more than anyone could have told me.  The doctors all said in the hospital that the remaining ovary would pick up the slack.  Did they tell me when? 

What she said....

This poem was written by a friend of mine from high school.  She had posted it to her Facebook page and it resonated deeply, to my core,  with me.  I couldn't have written it any better.  I'm putting it here so I can always have a copy and so you can read it too.  Let's discuss, let's explore, let's decide.

Move Me - by Melanie H.

I want to be moved
dammit,
so move me
move me
make me
feel
push me past
my resistance
into that wide open space
give me something
beyond
the ordinary
beyond what you give
to the rest of the world
show me your naked soul
and I will gasp at your beauty
show me your unveiled eyes
and I will weep at your truth
show me your heart
cracked and broken
and I will hold it
with more tenderness
than you could ever possibly
imagine
and if you trust me
if you give me time
I will show you how
those very cracks
make you whole
I crave a depth
uncommon
I crave a meaning
deeper than
surface
I crave a glimpse
of spirit
divine
and I crave a touch
so primal and
earthly that it brings me
to my knees.
you bring me
to my knees.
I want transcendence
I want to be shattered
I want to gasp at the
brilliance of
ordinary moments
and extraordinary times
and these are the most
ordinary
extraordinary times
so shatter me
I want to know the secrets
your bones hold
I want to see drums of passion
beat
behind your fluttering
eyelids
I want to know what moves
you
Where your center lies
and just how far I can go before
I reach the edge
of you.
I want to feel
everything
push myself to feel
more
push myself past the pain
lean hard against discomfort
fight numbness
and complacency and
comfort
in search of
more
in search of this
in search of that blinding
searing
goddess power
to touch the
muse
to break the spell
to move the world
I want to be moved
dammit
so move me.

Port coming soon

The port will be inserted Monday afternoon.  Still waiting on approval from insurance company for chemotherapy treatment which is why I don't have an actual chemo start date yet.  Can you see me rolling my eyes?  Look closely, now can you?

This waiting game is worse than what I used to call "TV time"... the hurry up, get ready, get on set, get mic'd up, seated, adjust the seat, adjust the lighting, okay ready to go.... five mins....... four..... three.... two.... one.... ten seconds down to the floor director just pointing his finger and the red light illuminating on Camera 1...

Celibate, sober & toxic

Bullet points:

IV port to be put in me sometime this week (probably Thursday or Friday, I'm guessing.)  It will be an all day affair and I will be sedated (not intubated, but sedated) so I've got to have someone drive me and stay with me; I'm trying to line that up. 

 

Chemo to start most likely next Tuesday.  They prefer to do chemo Mon or Tues and I have dental appointment Mon, so there you have it.  But Dr.'s assistant will call me with the actual dates. 

 

Lengthy explanation: