I have wanted to write about this for a while now and have been mulling over and over what's the best way to get this across. I don't know if this is it, but what comes next will surprise you...
it will move you to tears....
it will make you jump with joy
it will make you grow taller and become more handsome...
it will make you lose weight...
it will make, it will make, it will make!!!!
I am completely done with those headlines on Facebook and around the internet. You know the ones that say things like "this group of middle schoolers were complete brats but what they did next will shock you" or "this group of snotty, bratty, real housewives of _____ were moved to tears by what will surprise you" or "this poor child who has been suffering from (insert rarest form of cancer you can find) shocks the world by what comes next"... It's the classic 'selfish soul finds redemption and goodness through the actions of others' type of stuff. It's the feel-good story of the century. Every single one.
Yet it all feels so manufactured. So shallow. Right down to how we are supposed to feel and react to whatever we are reading or watching. How could all these impromptu, amateur videos etc have such high quality editors right there to capture the moment from several angles? Is everyone else in the world walking around with a 3-4 camera crew documenting their lives and I'm not? If so, how are they paying for it? Oh , perhaps ever so subtle product placement?
Thankfully I do not have a camera crew, because who would want me to post daily "I was too tired after work to think about what to cook for dinner but what I did next will surprise you!" Or "watch how the Quik Trip crew quickly gave me my change and made my day while they performed a flash mob dance to my favorite song ever on my unsuspecting, quiet and reserved self." Oh puh-lease!!! Enough already.
Unfortunately for me this catchphrase has become just as irritating as when you notice during someone's speech their excessive use of "ums" and then that's all you hear and then you start making hash marks for every time they say it. Yes, I am extremely sensitive to it now. Like nails on a chalkboard sensitive. So much so, that I consciously try to reduce the amount of time I use Facebook or other social media. (Exception! When using it to post this link to tell you about this posting...)
Yet I worry for those who are vulnerable to such messages dictating their reactions, their feelings. I worry that we are manipulating people into not trusting their own feelings and their own guts. If we don't trust them to make up their own minds about what they read or see, they won't either. What happens then? I don't know but what comes next won't surprise me.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Monday, December 8, 2014
No longer "A Dozen" but "My Dozen".
Hardboiled
Scrambled
Organic
Cracked
Raw
Over Easy
Sunny Side Up
Poached
2003. January. Cold. Big Belly. Pregnant with apprehension. Pregnant with resentment. Pregnant with anxiousness. Just go. Quit making your children cry. Empty heart.
2003. June. Hot. Big Belly. Baby (the Sage) sleeping in my arms. Ladybug & Rockstar by my side holding my hands. Just go. Quit making your children cry. Empty heart.
2003. August. Hot. Just go. Quit making me cry. Empty heart.
Present day. Cold. Windy. Not so big belly anymore. Ladybug living in Portland. Rockstar &
Sage by my side holding my hands. How is my heart?
Hardboiled
Scrambled
Organic
Cracked
Raw
Over Easy
Sunny Side Up
Poached
A dozen years have almost gone by. A dozen to match the number of years I was married.
For a long time, I dwelled on the fact that I have been alone without a significant other during these last 12 years. Yes, I've had 'relationships'. Some have been more heartbreaking than others. Some have been fleeting. Some were good. Some started good. Some ended good. Some did not. I kept thinking there must be something wrong with me. I kept asking the universe why was I still alone? If I'm going to be alone and single the rest of my life, please make it very clear so I can quit hoping. This was the sort of message I had been internalizing or verbalizing when stuck in traffic. But I'm trying to change.
A good friend of mine that I met through shaking meditation once said to me to change my perspective & to change the statements from focusing on what you want less of to what you want more of. For instance, "I want to cuss less" re-worded "I want to have more loving words come from my mouth." "I want to quit being fat," re-worded "I want to be more healthy." Pretty simple.
Today while stuck in traffic, and after a particularly melancholy evening dwelling on my 12 years of aloneness, I thought that perhaps my dwelling on being alone has perpetuated it. I decided to shift my messages from the negative and focus on the positive of being the leader of my own single life.
I have enjoyed personal freedom. I spend my money as I want. I sleep in the middle of my bed. I go where I want when I want. I say yes when it benefits me and no when it doesn't. I have met some of the most amazing people. I have not had to live in a house with someone who did not want to be my partner. My heart is free to love and to be hurt and to love again. I have proven that I can survive. I make my own happy
There have been many more positive things about being single these last 12 years than cons. And I am hopeful that one day there will be someone who will come into my life and continue to add to those positive aspects.
My dozen, when perspectives shift, is a beautiful rainbow of colors, butterflies, and twirling swirls repeating as often as happiness can. Sunny Side Up.
Scrambled
Organic
Cracked
Raw
Over Easy
Sunny Side Up
Poached
2003. January. Cold. Big Belly. Pregnant with apprehension. Pregnant with resentment. Pregnant with anxiousness. Just go. Quit making your children cry. Empty heart.
2003. June. Hot. Big Belly. Baby (the Sage) sleeping in my arms. Ladybug & Rockstar by my side holding my hands. Just go. Quit making your children cry. Empty heart.
2003. August. Hot. Just go. Quit making me cry. Empty heart.
Present day. Cold. Windy. Not so big belly anymore. Ladybug living in Portland. Rockstar &
Sage by my side holding my hands. How is my heart?
Hardboiled
Scrambled
Organic
Cracked
Raw
Over Easy
Sunny Side Up
Poached
A dozen years have almost gone by. A dozen to match the number of years I was married.
For a long time, I dwelled on the fact that I have been alone without a significant other during these last 12 years. Yes, I've had 'relationships'. Some have been more heartbreaking than others. Some have been fleeting. Some were good. Some started good. Some ended good. Some did not. I kept thinking there must be something wrong with me. I kept asking the universe why was I still alone? If I'm going to be alone and single the rest of my life, please make it very clear so I can quit hoping. This was the sort of message I had been internalizing or verbalizing when stuck in traffic. But I'm trying to change.
A good friend of mine that I met through shaking meditation once said to me to change my perspective & to change the statements from focusing on what you want less of to what you want more of. For instance, "I want to cuss less" re-worded "I want to have more loving words come from my mouth." "I want to quit being fat," re-worded "I want to be more healthy." Pretty simple.
Today while stuck in traffic, and after a particularly melancholy evening dwelling on my 12 years of aloneness, I thought that perhaps my dwelling on being alone has perpetuated it. I decided to shift my messages from the negative and focus on the positive of being the leader of my own single life.
I have enjoyed personal freedom. I spend my money as I want. I sleep in the middle of my bed. I go where I want when I want. I say yes when it benefits me and no when it doesn't. I have met some of the most amazing people. I have not had to live in a house with someone who did not want to be my partner. My heart is free to love and to be hurt and to love again. I have proven that I can survive. I make my own happy
There have been many more positive things about being single these last 12 years than cons. And I am hopeful that one day there will be someone who will come into my life and continue to add to those positive aspects.
My dozen, when perspectives shift, is a beautiful rainbow of colors, butterflies, and twirling swirls repeating as often as happiness can. Sunny Side Up.
Monday, November 24, 2014
Monday, September 29, 2014
30 days hath September...
And a busy thirty days it has been!
Lots of tests, procedures, doctor visits and more. Mostly brought about because my insurance resets on October 1 and I have to climb that steep deductible hill all over again. So instead I pushed to get as much done before October 1 as possible all with good results, too! My PET scan came back all clear again - "grossly unremarkable" said the doctor. Then my blood tests came back all normal. So my port was successfully removed on the 22nd. Saying I am so happy to have it out is an understatement. (I am thinking that perhaps when I pass the five year mark, I will get a tattoo over the scar.) And then finally today I had my one year follow up colonoscopy and it too came back clear! They want to see me again in three years!
The monitoring/maintenance plan will consist of blood work every three months for four years and a CT scan every six months for the next two years.
I have also cut my hair short with great results. My post chemo hair is so wavy. I used to have straight straight (did I mention straight?) hair. So having all this wave is quite interesting. Friday night I was told I looked like Katie Couric (which I have heard before) and also Princess Diana which was a new one for me. Then this morning's nurse also said Princess Diana. I am very much flattered.
It seems I've been struck by Paco Rabanne's Million again at Café Eau but this time he's an Italian pilot. Stay tuned, the philosopher's phase 2 could be really really interesting.
Lots of tests, procedures, doctor visits and more. Mostly brought about because my insurance resets on October 1 and I have to climb that steep deductible hill all over again. So instead I pushed to get as much done before October 1 as possible all with good results, too! My PET scan came back all clear again - "grossly unremarkable" said the doctor. Then my blood tests came back all normal. So my port was successfully removed on the 22nd. Saying I am so happy to have it out is an understatement. (I am thinking that perhaps when I pass the five year mark, I will get a tattoo over the scar.) And then finally today I had my one year follow up colonoscopy and it too came back clear! They want to see me again in three years!
The monitoring/maintenance plan will consist of blood work every three months for four years and a CT scan every six months for the next two years.
I have also cut my hair short with great results. My post chemo hair is so wavy. I used to have straight straight (did I mention straight?) hair. So having all this wave is quite interesting. Friday night I was told I looked like Katie Couric (which I have heard before) and also Princess Diana which was a new one for me. Then this morning's nurse also said Princess Diana. I am very much flattered.
It seems I've been struck by Paco Rabanne's Million again at Café Eau but this time he's an Italian pilot. Stay tuned, the philosopher's phase 2 could be really really interesting.
Monday, September 22, 2014
Why have I been spared?
In the last 8 days, death has impacted me 5 times. I am so humbled to still be walking this great earth. I don't know why. My heart breaks for all the families. I don't understand why this is happening, but am continually being transformed by it. My life will never ever be the same. Sigh.
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