Midnight Playground is Available for ordering or downloading!!!

Archway: http://bookstore.archwaypublishing.com/Products/SKU-001038918/Midnight-Playground.aspx

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Midnight-Playground-Simone-M-Richards/dp/1480836672/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1478548467&sr=8-1&keywords=%09Midnight+Playground

Barnes & Noble: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/midnight-playground-simone-m-richards/1125041350?ean=9781480836679

BookFinder4u (shows all current online links):http://www.bookfinder4u.com/IsbnSearch.aspx?isbn=1480836672&mode=direct

Here it is... my debut novel! Happy reading! 

So long, farewell!

I have believed, and have been proven correct in my belief time and time again,  that most men end up eliminating themselves from consideration or inclusion in my life all by their lonesomes. Some do it in a more spectacularly disastrous manner than others. The last one takes the cake. #hiddenracist, #stupidracistcommentcostmemygirlfriend, and #secretlyrelievedhesgone. Still processing what I'm gonna say to him the next time I have the chance.

I have NO room in my life or soul for hidden or out in the open bigots.

Goodbye.

Don't
Call.

My Journey, His Journey, Your Journey, Our Journey

And I'm not talking about the band Journey although the title of this blog post could easily be on a flyer for any karaoke bar here in St. Louis...

No I'm talking about that path we all march on from birth to death... our journey.

Sometimes it crosses others, sometimes it merges, sometimes it veers right when others go left.  The only consistent part is that you are still on it, on your path.  Only you can walk it, dance it, run it, drive it.  Sometimes we want to keep our journeys merged with other people's because it is more fun, more interesting, we love them or we are afraid to be alone on our own journey.  But what do you do, how do you cope when the paths diverge and you weren't ready yet?  Or you thought you weren't ready?

TRUST.  Yep that little word.  You must surrender to trust in your path. Sure, you can be sad that you won't be walking, dancing or running together anymore.  Please, shed some tears too.  Those are all good and necessary to healing and to seeing your way clearly on your own path again.  Try your best to fight the urge to analyze under a microscope every step you made while on the merged path.  Try your best to not be angry at your fellow sojourner who took the fork in the road which was only evident on his/her map.  If you can allow yourself to trust that you are walking down the path exactly as it is supposed to be, you can look forward to all that you are about to encounter, and you can be grateful for all that you have already walked.  Sometimes your paths will cross again or merge again and then that section of your journey(s) is even better than the first time.  But sometimes they do not ever come into contact again, and you have to trust that that was just how it was meant to be.

I walk mine.  You walk yours.  Sometimes we walk it together.

Until our paths cross again, god speed...

-the Philosopher

I love you.

I love you.

Today, I love you.

Perhaps I will still love you tomorrow.

But today, know that I love you.

And with each wake, it is still today.

And today, I love you.

My love isn’t meant to burden you.  My loving you doesn’t mean you now have to solve all my problems and ensure my happiness for the rest of eternity. My love isn’t conditional. My love isn’t a call to superhero action for you. My love is quiet.  My love is warm.  My love is fondness.  My love is tenderness. It is healing. My loving you is simply the action & reaction of my heart and soul towards you.  My love isn’t meant to shackle you.  My love isn’t designed to possess nor to suffocate you.  It simply is.  As you and I, simply, are.

True Love - A Practice

I was introduced to the book True Love: A Practice for Awakening the Heart by Thich Nhat Hanh on the website www.brainpickings.org

(In fact, I have been introduced to quite a lot via that website.  If you are interested in expanding your intellectual capacity I highly recommend giving her a visit.)

Anyway, my interest was piqued reading her essay about this book and I rushed to the public library website and promptly reserved me a copy.  I have renewed it twice already.  It's a short book, 104 pages.  Written very simply but worth reading and re-reading.  I think I will end up just buying my own copy.  I can only renew it one more time before I have to return it.  I wanted to share with you my readers an extremely brief synopsis of the four aspects of love as described in the book.  For a much more in depth and beautifully written essay, go to brainpickings and read hers.

Here is my summary...

According to Buddhism, there are four aspects of true love:

1) Maitri meaning loving-kindness or benevolence.  It's the desire AND the ability to bring joy and happiness to the person you love.  "Because even if your intention is to love this person, your love might make him or her suffer."

2) Karuna meaning compassion.  This is the desire AND the ability to ease the pain of another person. 

To bring joy and compassion you must practice "deep-looking" or searching for understanding of your love.  Because when you know and understand his or her aspirations and his or her sufferings, you can bring joy and ease pain.  How often do we actually practice "deep-looking" with the people we love (including our family and friends)?

3) Mudita meaning joy.  "If there is no joy in love, it is not true love.  If you are suffering all the time, if you cry all the time, and if you make the person you love cry, this is not really love -- it is even the opposite.  If there is no joy in your love, you can be sure it is not true love."

and

4) Upeksha meaning equanimity or freedom.  "In true love, you attain freedom.  When you love, you bring freedom to the person you love.  If the opposite is true, it is not true love.  You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free, not only outside but also inside.  'Dear one, do you have enough space in your heart and all around you?'  This is an intelligent question for testing out whether your love is something real."

Hanh goes on to say that to love in the context of buddhism is to be there. To bring your true presence to your loved one, not only your body but your mind too.  He suggests this mantra to say to help you stay truly present, "Dear one, I am really here for you." 

I had several ah-ha moments while reading True Love.  And each time I re-read a passage or paragraph or dwell on a definition, I gain more insight into what was preventing earlier relationships from being true love.  I am definitely more at peace in my current relationship with 007 than earlier ones (especially Mike and my fox).  I am practicing deep-looking and being present.  I am learning what it feels like to love according to Buddha.  It is different, scary at times but there is no suffering like before.  I like that.  I will continue practicing true love and awakening my heart to it.

Thanks for stopping by and I hope you have true love already.  If not, may you find each other and enjoy it for the rest of your days.

"Dear one, I am here for you."
~The Philosopher

Four words

"Get your own water."

"I'm on my way."

The first sentence has scarred me with me many years of pain and confusion and feelings of worthlessness. The second sentence brought tears to my eyes because of all those years of pain and confusion and feeling worthless.

When my ex-husband and I were first dating over 22 years ago, I would ask him to fill my glass of water if he were getting up to go to the kitchen. It was one of those "hey while you're up, would you mind getting me ..." sorts of requests. I didn't think anything of it. I didn't think it was a big deal. A few months in to dating each other, he said to me that he hated when I would ask him for water and that he felt I was taking advantage of him and that I was just being lazy. I never asked him for another glass of water. It hurt when he said that. Had I known then what I know now, I would never have continued dating him nor married him but I didn't. I was young; I was a people pleaser. Those four words "get your own water" became ingrained into my psyche way down deep. The man I loved didn't think I was special enough to bring me water when I asked, so obviously I wasn't special enough to matter to anyone especially other men.

I have been divorced over ten years.  Who would have thought that I would still be feeling the after effects of those four words?

But last night as I sat in 007's car tears welling up in my eyes because I was overwhelmed by his kindness towards me. A simple act that he didn't think twice about almost knocked my core being completely flat.  He came to pick me up, to drive me home after an all-day pub crawl I had been on so I wouldn't have to drive home.  His text "I'm on my way" brought tears to my eyes.

Not only did he drive twenty minutes to get me, he parked & came inside the bar to find me. I was expecting that he would drive up, text me he was outside & I would leave. And I would have been okay with that because that's what I was used to, how a not special-enough person is treated, always feeling that I had been too much of a burden already, I couldn't possibly ask for anything more. I didn't ask him to come get me, my girlfriend made the telephone call. It didn't take much convincing on her part. She asked, explained the situation and he said he was on his way. Why was I so afraid to ask him? Because I was afraid he'd tell me no, to get my own water, reinforcing my belief that I wasn't worthy.

But he didn't. He came. He took care of me because I am special & because he is kind.

I'm moving through new emotional waters here. It's going to be hard to undo 20+ years of negative self-talk, to realize that people (including men) will do nice things for me because they want to & because they like me, not because of what they can get from me in return. I am so grateful, so eternally grateful, that the universe is giving me this gift of growth towards acceptance & healing and that 007 is her chosen tool.

I'm on my way.

Timing is everything...

"Dear Minivan Philosopher,

The right people always find each other at the right time.

Relax,
The Universe"


This message appeared in my email inbox at exactly the right time. I had been dealing with some festering anxiety (R-PTSD symptom flareups) about the upcoming lack of time with 007 due to school schedules and family vacations.  I have been so happily spoiled these last six weeks; how was I going to make 10 days without being with him? I tried to stay awake as long as possible last night so I could create a memory map of him to recall when I really started to miss him. The little anxiety voice was getting louder and at 5:15 a.m. it was downright obnoxious.  So when the alarm went off and I checked my email, there was that message from the Universe.  I said "thank you" and sighed the anxiety out of me. I became calm and peaceful, again.

The old wise men and women all say that timing is everything.  And I truly believe it! I don't think I would have been ready for 007 a few years ago or even last year during my cancer treatment (although he would have been a great partner to have by my side).  Nor do I think he would have been ready for me before now.  Even though we have been attracted to each other since we met and friends before now, we each had to continue on our separate journeys, to make mistakes, to learn and to grow, to forgive and to let go.

We are still navigating our own journeys but they are made a little nicer and a little sweeter because part of our respective journeys now includes each other.

And although ten days will feel like an eternity compared to how much we have been seeing each other, it's not forever.  I'm definitely looking forward to the "reunion".

007 is the right person for me at this time.  I am thankful. And dear Universe, I am relaxing.

Relationship PTSD

Hi. I’m the Minivan Philosopher and I have Relationship PTSD. 

Yep that’s what I wrote.  Relationship PTSD (R-PTSD).  The first step towards healing is admitting it.

 Most people suffer from R-PTSD but they call it ‘baggage’ or ‘issues’ or ‘acting crazy’.  When it is in actuality all of those things wrapped up together that form R-PTSD.  (Appropriately the acronym reads Re-PeaTing Stupid Dynamics.  Lord knows I repeated enough stupid dynamics in my relationships.)

 Why did I coin this term?  What is happening in my life that brought it to the forefront?  Am I in a difficult relationship? No. There is no relationship chaos.  It’s going just fine. And I’ve realized because of the absence of chaos, my baggage, my issues, my R-PTSD tendencies are flaring up and have nowhere to go except to sit right in front of my face making me name them and process through them. I am very uncomfortable.  It’s as if the tendencies or habits want me to give life to them, bring them out of the dark, damp place they’ve been resting since the end of my last relationship so they can assume their rightful and normal place in this new relationship.  This is the first time in my life though that I can see those tendencies with clarity and more insight than ever before.  I don’t want them to intrude upon my happiness or peacefulness.  But I can’t ignore them.  That is more dangerous.   If ignored, they will manifest in different ways and probably be very ugly too.  Nope, I must look each of them in the face as they stir to life and acknowledge where they came from, the hurt that created them and free them of feeling that they must protect me.  I need to forgive.  Forgive those that came before and forgive myself.

It started this way…

No longer "A Dozen" but "My Dozen".

Hardboiled
Scrambled
Organic
Cracked
Raw
Over Easy
Sunny Side Up
Poached

2003. January. Cold. Big Belly.  Pregnant with apprehension.  Pregnant with resentment.  Pregnant with anxiousness.  Just go.  Quit making your children cry. Empty heart.

2003.  June.  Hot.  Big Belly. Baby (the Sage) sleeping in my arms.  Ladybug & Rockstar by my side holding my hands. Just go.  Quit making your children cry. Empty heart.

2003. August.  Hot. Just go. Quit making me cry. Empty heart.

Present day.  Cold. Windy.  Not so big belly anymore.  Ladybug living in Portland.  Rockstar &
Sage by my side holding my hands.  How is my heart?

Hardboiled
Scrambled
Organic
Cracked
Raw
Over Easy
Sunny Side Up
Poached

A dozen years have almost gone by.  A dozen to match the number of years I was married.

For a long time, I dwelled on the fact that I have been alone without a significant other during these last 12 years.  Yes, I've had 'relationships'.  Some have been more heartbreaking than others.  Some have been fleeting.  Some were good.  Some started good.  Some ended good.  Some did not.  I kept thinking there must be something wrong with me.  I kept asking the universe why was I still alone?  If I'm going to be alone and single the rest of my life, please make it very clear so I can quit hoping. This was the sort of message I had been internalizing or verbalizing when stuck in traffic.  But I'm trying to change.

A good friend of mine that I met through shaking meditation once said to me to change my perspective & to change the statements from focusing on what you want less of to what you want more of.  For instance, "I want to cuss less"  re-worded "I want to have more loving words come from my mouth."  "I want to quit being fat," re-worded "I want to be more healthy."  Pretty simple.

Today while stuck in traffic, and after a particularly melancholy evening dwelling on my 12 years of aloneness, I thought that perhaps my dwelling on being alone has perpetuated it.  I decided to shift my messages from the negative and focus on the positive of being the leader of my own single life. 

I have enjoyed personal freedom.  I spend my money as I want.  I sleep in the middle of my bed.  I go where I want when I want. I say yes when it benefits me and no when it doesn't.  I have met some of the most amazing people.  I have not had to live in a house with someone who did not want to be my partner.  My heart is free to love and to be hurt and to love again.  I have proven that I can survive. I make my own happy

There have been many more positive things about being single these last 12 years than cons.  And I am hopeful that one day there will be someone who will come into my life and continue to add to those positive aspects. 

My dozen, when perspectives shift, is a beautiful rainbow of colors, butterflies, and twirling swirls repeating as often as happiness can. Sunny Side Up.

Dating at this age...

 

Dating at this age can be a roll-your-eyes-and-shake-your-fist-at-the-sky rollercoaster of interactions.  In my 11 years of singlehood, there have been a handful of knock-your-socks-off-and-sing-hallelujah experiences.  (Some of which have been chronicled here on the Minivan Philosopher.)   But mostly and especially lately it's been the former and not the latter.

Example 1:
Last week I received a cave painting (text) from a guy I had been seeing whose PTSD flared up and pretty much brought to a screeching halt any forward momentum we had been experiencing. I told him he needed to resume counseling and get on some medication to bring a balance to his life.  That he deserved to live a life that was more settled and that his children deserved that too.  I told him to call me when he felt he was "balanced."  He agreed with me and started back immediately with his doctors and therapists at the VA.  Occasionally I would message him and ask how he was doing.  Sometimes he would reply and other times, not.  But in his last cave painting after telling me what an awesome person I am and how glad he was to have met me (blah blah blah you get the gist), he said he needed to focus on himself and wasn't in any shape ready for a relationship and didn't want to make a promise to me he couldn't support (blah blah blah we've all heard this before) but then he closed his text with this... are you ready for the kicker... and R (his ex-wife) "has been absolutely amazing during this debacle, I might be getting back with my family"!

I laughed when I read the last part.  This was a first for me.  I had never sent a man BACK to his ex-wife before.  Oh well I thought, he came into my life at exactly the right time.  We had had some great fun before the PTSD episode.  He got my car fixed, tires balanced and detailed. He helped me through two chemo weekends and got me my snow boots!  I am really grateful for all that (especially the car stuff and snow boots) and accept that that was to be the extent of our 'relationship'. He is a kind, good man who just has issues bigger than I want/need in my life.  I wish him well in his quest to get balanced and, of course, good luck with the whole ex-wife not being the ex-wife anymore thing.

Example 2:
So I've been exchanging a few emails with a guy on the internet dating site.  I haven't scheduled a "meet n greet" with him yet.  We have similar likes and dislikes; he seems friendly enough.  But there's not this yearning inside me to hurry up and meet him in person.  However, this past weekend I was out with my girlfriend at our usual watering hole.  We were listening to the band, enjoying the people watching, & avoiding talking to the annoying man next to me who seemed to spray me with his spit every time he tried to talk to me and also reeked of weed. He did have a friend show up who was nice and friendly and mature and loved to dance and was married!  I saw the ring when we were dancing and I immediately backed him off and left the dance floor as soon as the song was over.  He tried to get me to dance with him a few more times and I just said no each time and looked at his wedding ring.  He got the hint.  But anyway that doesn't have anything to do with internet guy.  Back to that story.

On the dance floor I saw this guy who looked vaguely familiar.  I kept racking my brain, how did I know him, how did I know him?  He seemed goofy and had this grin that went on for days!  He came up to my girlfriend and I after I had sent the married man away and was trying to chat us up.  He never introduced himself or asked our names; it was all really awkward.  And I wasn't interested at all, in the least.

So the next day I was reading my dating site email and when I opened up Internet guy's profile, I did a double take... that was the smiling till the world ends dancing goofy guy from the night before.  Oh no, I thought to myself.  Ugh.

He emailed this morning asking how I am, how my weekend was, did I do anything fun.  I replied that I had spent time with girlfriends.  He asked where I went.  I haven't replied.  I think he'll figure it out.  I think he already knows that I was "the internet girl" at the bar. 

So far, the internet dating site has brought me four dates with men who are really gay but just haven't admitted it yet and one near miss.  So glad I didn't plan a meet n greet with Internet guy. 

Anyway, there's two examples of the dating "fun" I've been having.  One thing is certain, there'll be more.
Cheers!

How do I weed them out?

So I took the Sage's advice and have had a profile up on an internet dating site (and no it's not christianmingle.com).  Of course there has been interest.  A lot. This time when I filled out my profile, I was quick and to the point.  I know from experience in years past, that men don't really respond to the words you've written but more to the pictures you post.  And to have even more fun with it, I posted a few pics of my dog because most of the male profiles included at least one pic of their dog.  And I have gotten positive comments on those pictures too.

The response is incredible.  But more in a quantity not a quality way.  I have also posted my desired age range which 75% of the responders have completely ignored.  I am not ready nor interested in dating 10-15 years above my own age.  I even had a 73 year old send me a wink.  Seriously? (I doubt he was a billionaire b/c he wouldn't be needing an internet dating site to find suitable women.) I thought if I would make a note about my age preferences, those not falling into that category would leave me alone.  I was wrong.  However, I do not bother to reply to their messages or likes or winks or nudges or offers of marriage, because if they can't respect my one simple boundary of 'age preference' what other boundaries of mine will they ignore or dismiss? 

Don't get me wrong.  It's been more entertaining than a bother or a burden.  And who doesn't need something to entertain them when they're connected to a chemo bottle for 3 days out of every 14?  However, that part of my life will be over soon and I am looking forward to "Life After Cancer/Chemo" (or LAC/C if you want to shorten it.) Because as I heal, feel better, and the earth warms up I am going to want to be a social creature again.  And by using the internet dating site, I do expand my search of what's available and on offer.

However, what I haven't been able to figure out is how to weed out the effeminate men and to avoid even going on one date with them.  I have had three such lunch dates and each time, I'm thinking "how does he know he's not gay??"  I know, I know there are straight men who are effeminate but they are not my type.  I need, want, and desire a man. One whose balls are bigger than mine! One who when he looks at me there is such a passion and desire on his face and I can tell he's thinking about what he's going to do to me later versus he really likes my outfit.  I'm a strong woman and I need to be matched with a strong man.  I know that.  But somehow I haven't asked the right questions beforehand or something...

And I don't wish to be rude when we are at lunch or coffee or having a quick drink by blurting out "are you sure you're not gay?"  Fortunately, I have been able to control my chemo brain in those instances.

So what do I ask?  How can I weed them out?  Any and all suggestions are welcome.


1/27/14 Hilarious update: Went to a first date brunch yesterday and yet again, another man who gave me the gay vibes.  This one though wasn't effeminate but he goes to the gym 5 days a week - no other "hobbies", had an earring in one ear and although attractive, it just felt like he was covering up his gayness by going on dates with women.  He was nice but I won't see him again.  So the saga and the search continues... at least it's fun and entertaining (for my readers as well!).