Midnight Playground is Available for ordering or downloading!!!

Archway: http://bookstore.archwaypublishing.com/Products/SKU-001038918/Midnight-Playground.aspx

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Midnight-Playground-Simone-M-Richards/dp/1480836672/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1478548467&sr=8-1&keywords=%09Midnight+Playground

Barnes & Noble: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/midnight-playground-simone-m-richards/1125041350?ean=9781480836679

BookFinder4u (shows all current online links):http://www.bookfinder4u.com/IsbnSearch.aspx?isbn=1480836672&mode=direct

Here it is... my debut novel! Happy reading! 

Two years hence...

Wow! I went on vacation to the lake house & didn't blog once! What does that mean? And the two-year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis was last week & I didn't write  about that either! What does this say about me & where I am right now in my life? Should I be concerned?

I don't think so. I'm very busy writing & editing my first book that I'm publishing hopefully around valentines day. I'm dealing with a lot on that project which will explain the blogging deficit. But the cancer thing, that is weird especially since my quarterly blood test is Wednesday and I'm nervous as usual. Can't sleep well & get the night sweats frequently now. I'm hoping it's only menopause (early onset, chemo-induced you know)... I'll know more Wednesday. Until then, I'll keep busy moving forward with life. I won't make mountains out of a mole hill, at least not this mole hill.

Cheers xx
-the Philosopher

Update: Good visit with oncologist.  All blood tests came back great.  My CEA levels are 1.1 lowest in a year (not that 1.3 and 1.4 are very high mind you especially when anything under 5 is considered normal).  They think the pain I'm feeling in my upper left abdomen is merely functional and related to the healing process from the colon resection surgery from almost two years ago.  In addition, I don't have to go back until January.  I am now on the six-month rotation instead of every three months... NICE!!!

There were no molehills nor mountains, it's all good.

Four words

"Get your own water."

"I'm on my way."

The first sentence has scarred me with me many years of pain and confusion and feelings of worthlessness. The second sentence brought tears to my eyes because of all those years of pain and confusion and feeling worthless.

When my ex-husband and I were first dating over 22 years ago, I would ask him to fill my glass of water if he were getting up to go to the kitchen. It was one of those "hey while you're up, would you mind getting me ..." sorts of requests. I didn't think anything of it. I didn't think it was a big deal. A few months in to dating each other, he said to me that he hated when I would ask him for water and that he felt I was taking advantage of him and that I was just being lazy. I never asked him for another glass of water. It hurt when he said that. Had I known then what I know now, I would never have continued dating him nor married him but I didn't. I was young; I was a people pleaser. Those four words "get your own water" became ingrained into my psyche way down deep. The man I loved didn't think I was special enough to bring me water when I asked, so obviously I wasn't special enough to matter to anyone especially other men.

I have been divorced over ten years.  Who would have thought that I would still be feeling the after effects of those four words?

But last night as I sat in 007's car tears welling up in my eyes because I was overwhelmed by his kindness towards me. A simple act that he didn't think twice about almost knocked my core being completely flat.  He came to pick me up, to drive me home after an all-day pub crawl I had been on so I wouldn't have to drive home.  His text "I'm on my way" brought tears to my eyes.

Not only did he drive twenty minutes to get me, he parked & came inside the bar to find me. I was expecting that he would drive up, text me he was outside & I would leave. And I would have been okay with that because that's what I was used to, how a not special-enough person is treated, always feeling that I had been too much of a burden already, I couldn't possibly ask for anything more. I didn't ask him to come get me, my girlfriend made the telephone call. It didn't take much convincing on her part. She asked, explained the situation and he said he was on his way. Why was I so afraid to ask him? Because I was afraid he'd tell me no, to get my own water, reinforcing my belief that I wasn't worthy.

But he didn't. He came. He took care of me because I am special & because he is kind.

I'm moving through new emotional waters here. It's going to be hard to undo 20+ years of negative self-talk, to realize that people (including men) will do nice things for me because they want to & because they like me, not because of what they can get from me in return. I am so grateful, so eternally grateful, that the universe is giving me this gift of growth towards acceptance & healing and that 007 is her chosen tool.

I'm on my way.

Timing is everything...

"Dear Minivan Philosopher,

The right people always find each other at the right time.

Relax,
The Universe"


This message appeared in my email inbox at exactly the right time. I had been dealing with some festering anxiety (R-PTSD symptom flareups) about the upcoming lack of time with 007 due to school schedules and family vacations.  I have been so happily spoiled these last six weeks; how was I going to make 10 days without being with him? I tried to stay awake as long as possible last night so I could create a memory map of him to recall when I really started to miss him. The little anxiety voice was getting louder and at 5:15 a.m. it was downright obnoxious.  So when the alarm went off and I checked my email, there was that message from the Universe.  I said "thank you" and sighed the anxiety out of me. I became calm and peaceful, again.

The old wise men and women all say that timing is everything.  And I truly believe it! I don't think I would have been ready for 007 a few years ago or even last year during my cancer treatment (although he would have been a great partner to have by my side).  Nor do I think he would have been ready for me before now.  Even though we have been attracted to each other since we met and friends before now, we each had to continue on our separate journeys, to make mistakes, to learn and to grow, to forgive and to let go.

We are still navigating our own journeys but they are made a little nicer and a little sweeter because part of our respective journeys now includes each other.

And although ten days will feel like an eternity compared to how much we have been seeing each other, it's not forever.  I'm definitely looking forward to the "reunion".

007 is the right person for me at this time.  I am thankful. And dear Universe, I am relaxing.

No longer "A Dozen" but "My Dozen".

Hardboiled
Scrambled
Organic
Cracked
Raw
Over Easy
Sunny Side Up
Poached

2003. January. Cold. Big Belly.  Pregnant with apprehension.  Pregnant with resentment.  Pregnant with anxiousness.  Just go.  Quit making your children cry. Empty heart.

2003.  June.  Hot.  Big Belly. Baby (the Sage) sleeping in my arms.  Ladybug & Rockstar by my side holding my hands. Just go.  Quit making your children cry. Empty heart.

2003. August.  Hot. Just go. Quit making me cry. Empty heart.

Present day.  Cold. Windy.  Not so big belly anymore.  Ladybug living in Portland.  Rockstar &
Sage by my side holding my hands.  How is my heart?

Hardboiled
Scrambled
Organic
Cracked
Raw
Over Easy
Sunny Side Up
Poached

A dozen years have almost gone by.  A dozen to match the number of years I was married.

For a long time, I dwelled on the fact that I have been alone without a significant other during these last 12 years.  Yes, I've had 'relationships'.  Some have been more heartbreaking than others.  Some have been fleeting.  Some were good.  Some started good.  Some ended good.  Some did not.  I kept thinking there must be something wrong with me.  I kept asking the universe why was I still alone?  If I'm going to be alone and single the rest of my life, please make it very clear so I can quit hoping. This was the sort of message I had been internalizing or verbalizing when stuck in traffic.  But I'm trying to change.

A good friend of mine that I met through shaking meditation once said to me to change my perspective & to change the statements from focusing on what you want less of to what you want more of.  For instance, "I want to cuss less"  re-worded "I want to have more loving words come from my mouth."  "I want to quit being fat," re-worded "I want to be more healthy."  Pretty simple.

Today while stuck in traffic, and after a particularly melancholy evening dwelling on my 12 years of aloneness, I thought that perhaps my dwelling on being alone has perpetuated it.  I decided to shift my messages from the negative and focus on the positive of being the leader of my own single life. 

I have enjoyed personal freedom.  I spend my money as I want.  I sleep in the middle of my bed.  I go where I want when I want. I say yes when it benefits me and no when it doesn't.  I have met some of the most amazing people.  I have not had to live in a house with someone who did not want to be my partner.  My heart is free to love and to be hurt and to love again.  I have proven that I can survive. I make my own happy

There have been many more positive things about being single these last 12 years than cons.  And I am hopeful that one day there will be someone who will come into my life and continue to add to those positive aspects. 

My dozen, when perspectives shift, is a beautiful rainbow of colors, butterflies, and twirling swirls repeating as often as happiness can. Sunny Side Up.

Numb3rs

Numbers.
365 days.
1 surgery
2 colonoscopies
2 MRIs
2 CT scans
3 PET scans
5 ER visits
12 chemo treatments
25 pounds gone (10 jumped right back on)
150 hot flashes
-20 wind chill
1 weekly support session
47 Caringbridge entries
5 pairs of gloves
3 hats
2 wool socks
1 chemo blanket
1 chemo fanny pack (burned)
1 grey hoodie.
$252,000+ billed to insurance companies
And a million prayers said!
All this in the one year since I received my colon cancer diagnosis.  One more number that really takes the cake – two weeks ago at my latest blood test, my tumor marker (CEA level) test came back…  <=5 of whatever units they measure is considered normal or good…  my number…. 1.4!!!
I feel pretty amazing.  Hands and feet getting better every day (love my B vitamins!), muscles stronger, taste buds back (hence the 10 pounds), hair growing (I’ve got bangs!  I haven’t had bangs since 4th grade!).  There are days when the memory of my cancer journey seems like a dream that someone else lived.  Then there are days when I remember every gut-wrenching side effect and am thankful they are, simply, a memory now.  (Especially those clear the room chemo farts!!!)
Thanks for being along for the ride, for your words of support and encouragement, for the meals, the rides, the “sure, we can talk about this cancer thing some more” patience and for the love.  It’s what makes everything bearable. 
Love you.  Thank you. 

Dating at this age...

 

Dating at this age can be a roll-your-eyes-and-shake-your-fist-at-the-sky rollercoaster of interactions.  In my 11 years of singlehood, there have been a handful of knock-your-socks-off-and-sing-hallelujah experiences.  (Some of which have been chronicled here on the Minivan Philosopher.)   But mostly and especially lately it's been the former and not the latter.

Example 1:
Last week I received a cave painting (text) from a guy I had been seeing whose PTSD flared up and pretty much brought to a screeching halt any forward momentum we had been experiencing. I told him he needed to resume counseling and get on some medication to bring a balance to his life.  That he deserved to live a life that was more settled and that his children deserved that too.  I told him to call me when he felt he was "balanced."  He agreed with me and started back immediately with his doctors and therapists at the VA.  Occasionally I would message him and ask how he was doing.  Sometimes he would reply and other times, not.  But in his last cave painting after telling me what an awesome person I am and how glad he was to have met me (blah blah blah you get the gist), he said he needed to focus on himself and wasn't in any shape ready for a relationship and didn't want to make a promise to me he couldn't support (blah blah blah we've all heard this before) but then he closed his text with this... are you ready for the kicker... and R (his ex-wife) "has been absolutely amazing during this debacle, I might be getting back with my family"!

I laughed when I read the last part.  This was a first for me.  I had never sent a man BACK to his ex-wife before.  Oh well I thought, he came into my life at exactly the right time.  We had had some great fun before the PTSD episode.  He got my car fixed, tires balanced and detailed. He helped me through two chemo weekends and got me my snow boots!  I am really grateful for all that (especially the car stuff and snow boots) and accept that that was to be the extent of our 'relationship'. He is a kind, good man who just has issues bigger than I want/need in my life.  I wish him well in his quest to get balanced and, of course, good luck with the whole ex-wife not being the ex-wife anymore thing.

Example 2:
So I've been exchanging a few emails with a guy on the internet dating site.  I haven't scheduled a "meet n greet" with him yet.  We have similar likes and dislikes; he seems friendly enough.  But there's not this yearning inside me to hurry up and meet him in person.  However, this past weekend I was out with my girlfriend at our usual watering hole.  We were listening to the band, enjoying the people watching, & avoiding talking to the annoying man next to me who seemed to spray me with his spit every time he tried to talk to me and also reeked of weed. He did have a friend show up who was nice and friendly and mature and loved to dance and was married!  I saw the ring when we were dancing and I immediately backed him off and left the dance floor as soon as the song was over.  He tried to get me to dance with him a few more times and I just said no each time and looked at his wedding ring.  He got the hint.  But anyway that doesn't have anything to do with internet guy.  Back to that story.

On the dance floor I saw this guy who looked vaguely familiar.  I kept racking my brain, how did I know him, how did I know him?  He seemed goofy and had this grin that went on for days!  He came up to my girlfriend and I after I had sent the married man away and was trying to chat us up.  He never introduced himself or asked our names; it was all really awkward.  And I wasn't interested at all, in the least.

So the next day I was reading my dating site email and when I opened up Internet guy's profile, I did a double take... that was the smiling till the world ends dancing goofy guy from the night before.  Oh no, I thought to myself.  Ugh.

He emailed this morning asking how I am, how my weekend was, did I do anything fun.  I replied that I had spent time with girlfriends.  He asked where I went.  I haven't replied.  I think he'll figure it out.  I think he already knows that I was "the internet girl" at the bar. 

So far, the internet dating site has brought me four dates with men who are really gay but just haven't admitted it yet and one near miss.  So glad I didn't plan a meet n greet with Internet guy. 

Anyway, there's two examples of the dating "fun" I've been having.  One thing is certain, there'll be more.
Cheers!

T minus 23... alternate title "Dog gets to live one more day!"

It's cold and only going to get colder this week.  Kind of irritating because this is my "good week" and I was looking forward to being social.  But when temps are going to be 0 degrees F and below with 3-5 inches of snow on the ground, it makes it hard for anyone to go out and be social, much less me - the chemo patient!

And to add insult to injury, my dog chewed the thumb off my leather gloves!!! He already chewed up the leather on my great Strength bracelet that a friend gave me the other day.  So bummed about that!  I realize the dog is dealing with anxiety, Ladybug isn't here and my other dog is being fostered at a friend's until I'm done with chemo.  But seriously, leave my shit alone!

Yesterday's group support session was sobering as we had a new person join us and she is in palliative care.  This is where they don't try to treat the disease anymore; they just provide medications to ease the pain.  She was so sad.  Her eyes were profoundly hurting.  I didn't know what to say to her;  I wanted to make her smile or laugh but she didn't.  I left group with a heaviness in my heart because I don't know what I would do or how I would be if I were in her shoes.  I am so close to being done with my treatment (23 days!!) and I see my "life" resuming and cancer never coming back.  And I shed tears that mine was caught when it was; no one truly understands the magnitude of my gratitude.  But it's not for them to understand anyway.  It's mine.

Yesterday I talked about how this journey has taught me at least one thing:  to maximize my interactions with people (friends, family and strangers who will soon be friends) because you never know when you won't be able to do that anymore.  I'm not trying to be morbid here, just realistic, and so very contemplative.  A snow day will do that to you. 

I promise, dear readers, that I do have more funny stories to write about, so don't give up.  It won't always be about cancer, cancer, cancer.  And I'm looking forward to that as well!!!

Thanks for caring!
xx- The Philosopher

Good days...

How should we like it were stars to burn

With a passion for us we could not return?

If equal affection cannot be,

Let the more loving one be me.

~Wystan Hugh Auden

Black and white, shades of grey.  Faded greens, red fires burning.  Deepest blue, steps into the soul.

A million lights of love fill us from the moment we are born until death.  Every act of love keeps a light burning, every smile, every laugh, every squeeze-kiss-hug.  Every hurt, instilled or received, snuffs one light.  How do you want your last days to be?  Full of light shining forth brightly overflowing with love?  Or void of that light, shuffling, muttering, scowling, the human vacuum, no peace till death?  I ask because no one knows when their time is up.  We are living our last days every day.