The Rollercoaster

For some time now I've been on a roller coaster.  From the first moment I met my Fox, to when he kissed me the first time and the last time, to when he asked me to marry him the first time and the last time, to when he declared he had not felt this way about anyone in his life for well over twenty years to when he said goodbye, it has been a rollercoaster.

On this ride I have felt such joy lying in his arms, gazing into his sparkling blue eyes, kissing his dimples, watching him toss his head back when he laughed and hearing his voice from 4,000 miles away tell me everything would be all right because he loved me and he wanted only me.  On this ride I have felt such sadness during my Fox's prior attempts to withdraw from me.  That sadness immediately washed away at the first text or facetime or phone call and I would begin the joyful climb upwards again on this rollercoaster.

Then on March 30, 2013 the rollercoaster careened downwards slamming into the wall of sadness and emptiness, interspersed with frustration and anger, shattering our hearts into a million pieces. And I fight every urge to reach out to my Fox to tell him how much I love him and miss him, to ask him to love me again, to see his smile, to hear his voice, to feel his presence in my life.  But I don't because he asked me not to and I love and respect him.  He said he had to prove to himself and to me that this was for the best.  (Funny though, I never asked him to prove it to me.)

Now my rollercoaster ride has no upward hill of joy, it is simply stuck in sadness (and anger and emptiness and confusion and sorrow and pain).  I try to stay busy but my Fox occupies my thoughts as he has done every day since we met, only now there are many more tears than smiles.  The rollercoaster creeps along slowly, weakening the joists which hold me together. 

I know this ride will end and one day I won't be sad anymore (nor angry nor empty nor confused) but I suspect it will be because I will be numb.  I hold on to my memories, though, and go to him in my dreams to relive the love and joy that once permeated my entire existence.  And I pray that one day, if the universe allows it, my Fox will kiss my tears away, hold my hand and ask me back on the journey with him only this time it won't be on a rollercoaster.