I ran to my room and grabbed my journal. I had to write down my feelings and thoughts regarding Mike again. He had called to say goodbye, that he couldn't do it any more. I wanted to record my pain, yet again. And I flipped through the pages, pen in hand ready to write, when I got all the way to the end of the journal and I had less than 1/4 page available for ALL my thoughts! I sat there shocked because how could I possibly put everything I was feeling down in such a small space? I didn't have another journal available and I really didn't want to continue this story into a new, fresh one. So I thought and thought and finally wrote: "he called, he can't do it anymore. He said goodbye" There was no room left for me to write my endless speculations about whether he will come back to me for the fourth time. There was no room left for me to moan and complain about my "situation." The journal was done. It had run out of pages. No more am I to write about this, it seemed. This journal has patiently recorded and held for me the last 8 years of heartaches, betrayals, hurts, longings, tears, frustrations and epiphanies. It is now time for a new journal and a new journey to start for me. If Mike comes back again, it can only be as a single, divorced man because there is no room for the old re-hashed story of loving me and leaving me in my new journal and my new life.
If feels good to close the old one, lock it up and put it away. It feels good to move past all those hurts and heartaches that continually wove itself through the journal's pages. It feels good to look at a fresh blank page. I am not naive; I know there will be some hurts and more as I continue on my journey but the weight of the last 8 years has been lifted with the last entry on the page: "Thank you for being in my life. I love you and I will miss you. I wish you peace."
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