How is this better?

The Philosopher is grieving.  24 hours has gone by and no word from the Multinational Special Agent. I have reread all our conversations since we met.  I had emailed them to myself over the months so I could always have a record of our exchanges.  There are some tough dialogues where we fought and got frustrated because messages were being received out of sync.  There were tough dialogues because not only are we 4,000 miles apart and even though we speak the same language, we do have cultural differences to bridge as well.  There were tough dialogues because we simply were frustrated that we could not crawl into each other's arms at that very moment and reassure each other that our love trumped all our frustrations.  However surrounding those tough dialogues multiple times over were the declarations of love and kindness and magic and passion and hope and gratitude for each other that touched my heart and made me soar.

For 119 days, my Multinational Special Agent, my Fox, was present in my life. He told me that there had been so many times when something would get him down, whether it was work or home-related didn't matter, and that the only thing that made him feel better was being able to talk to me.  For him, my love, made the rest of it worth dealing with.

I miss him.  Terribly. I miss being able to reach out to tell him I am thinking of him.  I miss being able to 'drive by kiss' him via text.  I miss having my Fox there to make my own life worth dealing with.  For 119 days, I knew I only had to reach out and from across the miles I would have a hug or a kiss that would come back to me.  Now, I have nothing.  How is this better for us?

I have replayed over and over the moment we were reunited after 107 days.  He walked into our room, my heart exploded with excitement and love.  My smile leaped off my face it was that big. I couldn't crawl off the bed fast enough to get straight into his arms.  And when I did, I was home, once again.  He held me so tight making us one body. It was beautiful.  It was magical.  It was love. Now every time I close my eyes, I see him, I feel him. And I go deep into my memories so I can see or feel something new each time.

Is this how I should be coping?  I don't know.  I don't want to push him out of my heart or brain.  I simply want to be walking hand in hand with him again. Kissing his cheeks because I am so deeply in love with him.  He knows I feel so safe when I am with him.  My Multinational Special Agent knows exactly how to care for and how to protect me.  And I miss him, dreadfully.

Was I supposed to have pleaded more and begged him not to leave me?  Had he wanted me to fight for him more?  What was I supposed to have done?  If so, let me have those days back and I will beg and I will plead.  I will put my arms around him and never let him go, never let him walk away from me leaving me to sob uncontrollably in our bed alone.

I think about him every moment just as I have since we met.  But there is no familiar vibration from my phone telling me he is thinking of me too.  I wonder how he is doing.  Is he happy to be rid of me?  Or is he sad and gutted and hurting and grieving like me?  Does he wish his phone would vibrate with kisses from me?

And I ask the universe over and over, how is all this pain really better for us than what we had?  How is all this pain and longing and tears and loneliness necessary?  Isn't there some other way to manage & to grow our love until we can be together again and together permanently?

I ask her to keep him safe, to protect his heart, to have my loving spirit envelop him daily and to bring me back into his arms and his world sooner rather than later.

And even though I know I shouldn't, I keep my phone close by, looking at his pictures, reading his texts, listening to his voicemail messages.  He is still my escape, my go-to guy and he always will be.

I miss my Fox.  I love my Fox, simply, madly and truly.  

This is definitely not better.