Almost Lover

Sometimes I don’t know what is expected of me.  Or what I should do?  How is it that two times now I have loved men who say they can’t give me what I need right now?  But that in the future they can?  How is it that they want to walk away from me and come get me later? 

 

Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life? – A Fine Frenzy, Almost Lover

Is it all an illusion?  Is it all a heartless trick?  How can it seem that, over and over, I am left alone?  I wish I knew the answers.  I wish I could be told to “hold on for another six months and you’ll find that it will all work out for you.”  And I wish I would believe it if I were told that.

One morning I was driving along Kingshighway and had stopped at the red light at Chippewa.  I noticed and watched a middle-aged couple (I assumed they were a couple by the way they were standing close to each other and walking.  I assumed they were somewhere between 30 and 50 based on the way their skin looked.  I do not know for a fact that they were a couple but by all outward appearances and behaviors it registered in my brain as though they were.)

I watched this man and woman venture into the crosswalk.  He was pushing the shopping cart which appeared to have their belongings in it and she was walking next to it.  She did not look healthy.  It could have been from years of drug and/or alcohol abuse.  But who really knows?  They crossed the street and the man kept his focus on making sure she got across safely.  Once across, they walked to the Jack in the Box parking lot.  The man tenderly took the woman’s hand and led her to a bench and put the cart next to her.  It appeared he was telling her to stay right there as he was going to go inside.  She nodded her head and he went inside. 

My light turned green and I had to continue my journey north on Kingshighway.  I finished their story in my mind.  He went inside and took what little money he could spare and bought her a meal.  He didn’t have enough for both of them but he didn’t care because he knew she’d offer him a bite or two of the burger, some of the fries and of course a few swallows of the soda.  They sat on the bench outside with the sun’s warmth on their faces eating their meal enjoying the fleeting moments of relaxation before they needed to continue walking to find a place to sleep for the night.  And when they got up to go, he held his hand out to her, she clasped it and they continued up the hill together.

I was touched by the scene I witnessed and more touched by the finished story in my mind.  But what hit me most was that here were two people who by all material ‘standards’ were not doing well but yet they still had each other.  They had love.  They had companionship.  They had each other.  She had someone who cared for her, who wanted to make sure she was all right.  And I was envious.  I cried out, frustrated, to the Universe and said “even the homeless people have partners!” 

It seems unfair at times that no matter what I do, say, look like or how high I jump, I still sleep alone.  I push my own shopping cart across the street.  I eat alone and enjoy the sun’s radiance alone.  And when I get soooo close to the reality of being loved again by another person (another adult that is), it seems to dissolve right before my eyes.  And I’m left shaking my head wondering what is the matter with me?

I have a male friend whom I have watched have several girlfriends since his divorce.  His latest one has thrown my confusion about relationships into an even bigger spin.  He met Girlfriend B after breaking up with Girlfriend A.  Girlfriend A seemed to restrict her time with him to when neither of them had their children.  Girlfriend B came along and within weeks of meeting him took his spare key and after the fact said, “I hope you don’t mind.” And then she started to stay at his house a few days a week, then a few weeks a month and then she was never gone.  When he told me this, I was floored.  How was this even acceptable?  He told me that Girlfriend B didn’t have a place of her own right now and was tired of living with her mom.  That was a year ago.  She is still there.  They have updated their Facebook statuses to reflect being “in a relationship”. 

When I see them, I shake my head internally because I can’t believe my friend just let her move in and take over his life.  I know that part of my disappointment is that he and I no longer get to talk like we used to.  He was a good friend and I miss him.  But there’s nothing I can do because those are his choices.  I also couldn’t imagine how a woman could feel good about herself when she was using a man like that.  But in the end, she got what she wanted.

I have a job that supports my three children and me.  I have a home.  I have friends.  I am in control and independent because I have had to for survival. I am not a basket case or homeless.  But my heart aches and I sleep alone.

Basket case… yes, the first man to whom I gave my heart, years after my ex-husband left, chose to remain married to his basket case, alcoholic wife.  He resurfaced about a year later and said that this time he was going to go through with the divorce.  I wanted to believe him.  I did for a while.  I had even let myself dream of our life together, post his divorce.  Yet it became ever more apparent that he wouldn’t be able to go through with it.  He fell for every manipulative trick she employed.  The basket case and alcoholic who can’t keep a job and has minimal friends will remain partnered and will have a companion who will take care of her.  She got what she wanted.

And yet, I believed that surely someone must love me.  If the homeless people can be a couple, if my friend can be a couple with the girl who moved in, if the basket case/alcoholic & the first man who took my heart post my divorce can remain a couple, surely there’s got to be someone for me.

And then I thought it had happened for me, for real, this time.

And it is good and it is beautiful and it is magical.  And it has its challenges.  And it has been growing and morphing and solidifying. 

And I dream of our life together.  I talk about him with my friends.  I am genuinely excited about him and in love with him.  I am willing to be exclusive with him.  To take that step of showing my commitment to developing our relationship, that I’m not keeping “one eye open” for someone else to come along.  That I’m ready to be a couple in the crazy challenged situation that we are in…

And he says, “I’m sorry I can’t be the BF you want right now.  I need to sort out my life like we discussed and then track you down.”

So again, whatever it is about me, is not enough to have someone want to be with me and to share his life with me through whatever those challenges are, to get to the point where there are no obstacles and it’s just us.  It seems that the prospect of living without me isn’t all that heartbreaking.

Somehow I missed the lecture on being a homeless, manipulative basket case/alcoholic, who just moves her stuff in… and therefore, I sleep alone.