What a fortnight this has been!
I had a wonderful visit with my mother and her companion (#teamgary) in Florida. Four days of bliss at the beach watching the waves slow dance with the shore, lounging by the swimming pool, attending a University of Florida football game and sipping rumchata nightly. It was my first trip to Florida without children in nine years. It was soul restoring. It was long overdue.
Initially I started this blog posting out of a need to get on paper all that has happened in the last two weeks. I started writing but it felt too juvenile. So I started editing it, then it felt too restricted and self-censored. I was staring at the screen frustrated at the problems I was having at writing this post. So I walked away and did other things still mulling about which approach would be best, what words should I use and more. And I realized that my frustration was self-induced. No matter what I write or how I write it, I will always think it could have been better. And that self-criticism and self-judgment was impeding my writing today. So I said to just fuck it, write it - whether it rambles, is in bullet points, whatever just get it out.
So here goes.....
(two hours, one pot of tea, five "likes" four comments and one photo upload on Facebook, a half bag of cheez-its and an entire Leonard Cohen album later)....
On my trip I was overwhelmed with how just by sitting and watching the ocean I could start crying. I was crying for myself, for my friends whom I have lost this year, for my town and for things buried so deep in my subconscious they don't have any word assigned to them. I was crying because of all I had been through and for all that I have still to face. But my crying wasn't the sobbing or crippling type of cry but more of a release and a liberation. Over my lifetime I have buried too much too deep and my body isn't going to hold on to it anymore. So I let the tears flow and I let myself say the words that were knotted up with the tears. I spoke them to the ocean who like a beautiful friend let them land on her waves and then after dissipating and dissolving them took it all back out to sea with her. They might have reigned in terror over my body but they weren't mighty enough to fight the ocean. I needed the ocean to help me heal. I needed her to help me lighten my load.
I am working to lighten my load. I am seeing a myofacial release therapist who has helped me fix my tailbone issue. For 2.5 years I have been in incredible pain (it felt like I was sitting on a spike and I couldn't get away from it no matter which way I moved or sat or walked.). After five sessions, we were able to solve my tailbone issue. Mind you, I have been to the orthopedic doctor, the pain management doctor, had a bone scan, had cortisone shots, been given prescription pain meds but nothing worked until this therapy. And since my body had been dealing with this intense tail bone pain, it was unsure how to function in the absence of it. So everything else that had been overcompensating or picking up the slack because of the pain started to hurt. When we were working on my neck and shoulders, I said to my therapist that I felt that I have carried the world on my shoulders for years (at least 11). She replied kindly, "how is that working out for you?" I answered, "not so good." She replied, "you've been through so much physically that it is going to take some time to reclaim your body, but you are making amazing progress." I am grateful to her for her kind words, her wisdom and willingness to work with me. And for the box of tissues.
I am waiting for the results of my PET scan from this morning. A good result means I can get my port removed next week. I don't want to think of any other result.
My friend from my cancer support group passed away last Monday night. Yesterday was her visitation, today her funeral. She lived with so much grace and faced her prognosis with an unbelievable amount of courage. I am overwhelmed with sadness at her death because she was a bright light of love that should still be here. The impact of her on my life is profound. I am richer for knowing her and resentful our time was so short. I have said this before so I'm sure it's no surprise when I say in big capital letters with exclamation points I HATE CANCER!!!!!!!!
My city has been in turmoil since the Michael Brown shooting. We've had riots, protests, looting, blatant hatred and intolerance and a lack of compassion no matter what "side" you are on. It is difficult to exist day to day under this cloud of negativity. It injures the soul. I know we won't ever go back to "normal" but we've got to get to "better" and we've got to get there together.
Everything just feels out of whack. Friends and brothers of friends and children of friends dying, friends being hospitalized, random highway shootings, not to even mention the crazy shit with ISIS.
Maybe all this turmoil is symbolic of what happens in the chrysalis before a beautiful butterfly emerges. I am hopeful I will see beautiful butterflies everywhere and soon.
That's about all I've got in me to write about today. And it still didn't even scratch the surface of what I wanted to say but it's a start. And better to start than not write at all.
Thanks for reading.
-the philosopher
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