"Get your own water."
"I'm on my way."
The first sentence has scarred me with me many years of pain and confusion and feelings of worthlessness. The second sentence brought tears to my eyes because of all those years of pain and confusion and feeling worthless.
When my ex-husband and I were first dating over 22 years ago, I would ask him to fill my glass of water if he were getting up to go to the kitchen. It was one of those "hey while you're up, would you mind getting me ..." sorts of requests. I didn't think anything of it. I didn't think it was a big deal. A few months in to dating each other, he said to me that he hated when I would ask him for water and that he felt I was taking advantage of him and that I was just being lazy. I never asked him for another glass of water. It hurt when he said that. Had I known then what I know now, I would never have continued dating him nor married him but I didn't. I was young; I was a people pleaser. Those four words "get your own water" became ingrained into my psyche way down deep. The man I loved didn't think I was special enough to bring me water when I asked, so obviously I wasn't special enough to matter to anyone especially other men.
I have been divorced over ten years. Who would have thought that I would still be feeling the after effects of those four words?
But last night as I sat in 007's car tears welling up in my eyes because I was overwhelmed by his kindness towards me. A simple act that he didn't think twice about almost knocked my core being completely flat. He came to pick me up, to drive me home after an all-day pub crawl I had been on so I wouldn't have to drive home. His text "I'm on my way" brought tears to my eyes.
Not only did he drive twenty minutes to get me, he parked & came inside the bar to find me. I was expecting that he would drive up, text me he was outside & I would leave. And I would have been okay with that because that's what I was used to, how a not special-enough person is treated, always feeling that I had been too much of a burden already, I couldn't possibly ask for anything more. I didn't ask him to come get me, my girlfriend made the telephone call. It didn't take much convincing on her part. She asked, explained the situation and he said he was on his way. Why was I so afraid to ask him? Because I was afraid he'd tell me no, to get my own water, reinforcing my belief that I wasn't worthy.
But he didn't. He came. He took care of me because I am special & because he is kind.
I'm moving through new emotional waters here. It's going to be hard to undo 20+ years of negative self-talk, to realize that people (including men) will do nice things for me because they want to & because they like me, not because of what they can get from me in return. I am so grateful, so eternally grateful, that the universe is giving me this gift of growth towards acceptance & healing and that 007 is her chosen tool.
I'm on my way.
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Friday, March 13, 2015
Timing is everything...
"Dear Minivan Philosopher,
The right people always find each other at the right time.
Relax,
The Universe"
This message appeared in my email inbox at exactly the right time. I had been dealing with some festering anxiety (R-PTSD symptom flareups) about the upcoming lack of time with 007 due to school schedules and family vacations. I have been so happily spoiled these last six weeks; how was I going to make 10 days without being with him? I tried to stay awake as long as possible last night so I could create a memory map of him to recall when I really started to miss him. The little anxiety voice was getting louder and at 5:15 a.m. it was downright obnoxious. So when the alarm went off and I checked my email, there was that message from the Universe. I said "thank you" and sighed the anxiety out of me. I became calm and peaceful, again.
The old wise men and women all say that timing is everything. And I truly believe it! I don't think I would have been ready for 007 a few years ago or even last year during my cancer treatment (although he would have been a great partner to have by my side). Nor do I think he would have been ready for me before now. Even though we have been attracted to each other since we met and friends before now, we each had to continue on our separate journeys, to make mistakes, to learn and to grow, to forgive and to let go.
We are still navigating our own journeys but they are made a little nicer and a little sweeter because part of our respective journeys now includes each other.
And although ten days will feel like an eternity compared to how much we have been seeing each other, it's not forever. I'm definitely looking forward to the "reunion".
007 is the right person for me at this time. I am thankful. And dear Universe, I am relaxing.
The right people always find each other at the right time.
Relax,
The Universe"
This message appeared in my email inbox at exactly the right time. I had been dealing with some festering anxiety (R-PTSD symptom flareups) about the upcoming lack of time with 007 due to school schedules and family vacations. I have been so happily spoiled these last six weeks; how was I going to make 10 days without being with him? I tried to stay awake as long as possible last night so I could create a memory map of him to recall when I really started to miss him. The little anxiety voice was getting louder and at 5:15 a.m. it was downright obnoxious. So when the alarm went off and I checked my email, there was that message from the Universe. I said "thank you" and sighed the anxiety out of me. I became calm and peaceful, again.
The old wise men and women all say that timing is everything. And I truly believe it! I don't think I would have been ready for 007 a few years ago or even last year during my cancer treatment (although he would have been a great partner to have by my side). Nor do I think he would have been ready for me before now. Even though we have been attracted to each other since we met and friends before now, we each had to continue on our separate journeys, to make mistakes, to learn and to grow, to forgive and to let go.
We are still navigating our own journeys but they are made a little nicer and a little sweeter because part of our respective journeys now includes each other.
And although ten days will feel like an eternity compared to how much we have been seeing each other, it's not forever. I'm definitely looking forward to the "reunion".
007 is the right person for me at this time. I am thankful. And dear Universe, I am relaxing.
Friday, March 6, 2015
Relationship PTSD
Hi. I’m the Minivan Philosopher and I have Relationship PTSD.
Yep that’s what I wrote.
Relationship PTSD (R-PTSD). The
first step towards healing is admitting it.
It started this way…
Thursday, January 22, 2015
What comes next...
I have wanted to write about this for a while now and have been mulling over and over what's the best way to get this across. I don't know if this is it, but what comes next will surprise you...
it will move you to tears....
it will make you jump with joy
it will make you grow taller and become more handsome...
it will make you lose weight...
it will make, it will make, it will make!!!!
I am completely done with those headlines on Facebook and around the internet. You know the ones that say things like "this group of middle schoolers were complete brats but what they did next will shock you" or "this group of snotty, bratty, real housewives of _____ were moved to tears by what will surprise you" or "this poor child who has been suffering from (insert rarest form of cancer you can find) shocks the world by what comes next"... It's the classic 'selfish soul finds redemption and goodness through the actions of others' type of stuff. It's the feel-good story of the century. Every single one.
Yet it all feels so manufactured. So shallow. Right down to how we are supposed to feel and react to whatever we are reading or watching. How could all these impromptu, amateur videos etc have such high quality editors right there to capture the moment from several angles? Is everyone else in the world walking around with a 3-4 camera crew documenting their lives and I'm not? If so, how are they paying for it? Oh , perhaps ever so subtle product placement?
Thankfully I do not have a camera crew, because who would want me to post daily "I was too tired after work to think about what to cook for dinner but what I did next will surprise you!" Or "watch how the Quik Trip crew quickly gave me my change and made my day while they performed a flash mob dance to my favorite song ever on my unsuspecting, quiet and reserved self." Oh puh-lease!!! Enough already.
Unfortunately for me this catchphrase has become just as irritating as when you notice during someone's speech their excessive use of "ums" and then that's all you hear and then you start making hash marks for every time they say it. Yes, I am extremely sensitive to it now. Like nails on a chalkboard sensitive. So much so, that I consciously try to reduce the amount of time I use Facebook or other social media. (Exception! When using it to post this link to tell you about this posting...)
Yet I worry for those who are vulnerable to such messages dictating their reactions, their feelings. I worry that we are manipulating people into not trusting their own feelings and their own guts. If we don't trust them to make up their own minds about what they read or see, they won't either. What happens then? I don't know but what comes next won't surprise me.
it will move you to tears....
it will make you jump with joy
it will make you grow taller and become more handsome...
it will make you lose weight...
it will make, it will make, it will make!!!!
I am completely done with those headlines on Facebook and around the internet. You know the ones that say things like "this group of middle schoolers were complete brats but what they did next will shock you" or "this group of snotty, bratty, real housewives of _____ were moved to tears by what will surprise you" or "this poor child who has been suffering from (insert rarest form of cancer you can find) shocks the world by what comes next"... It's the classic 'selfish soul finds redemption and goodness through the actions of others' type of stuff. It's the feel-good story of the century. Every single one.
Yet it all feels so manufactured. So shallow. Right down to how we are supposed to feel and react to whatever we are reading or watching. How could all these impromptu, amateur videos etc have such high quality editors right there to capture the moment from several angles? Is everyone else in the world walking around with a 3-4 camera crew documenting their lives and I'm not? If so, how are they paying for it? Oh , perhaps ever so subtle product placement?
Thankfully I do not have a camera crew, because who would want me to post daily "I was too tired after work to think about what to cook for dinner but what I did next will surprise you!" Or "watch how the Quik Trip crew quickly gave me my change and made my day while they performed a flash mob dance to my favorite song ever on my unsuspecting, quiet and reserved self." Oh puh-lease!!! Enough already.
Unfortunately for me this catchphrase has become just as irritating as when you notice during someone's speech their excessive use of "ums" and then that's all you hear and then you start making hash marks for every time they say it. Yes, I am extremely sensitive to it now. Like nails on a chalkboard sensitive. So much so, that I consciously try to reduce the amount of time I use Facebook or other social media. (Exception! When using it to post this link to tell you about this posting...)
Yet I worry for those who are vulnerable to such messages dictating their reactions, their feelings. I worry that we are manipulating people into not trusting their own feelings and their own guts. If we don't trust them to make up their own minds about what they read or see, they won't either. What happens then? I don't know but what comes next won't surprise me.
Monday, December 8, 2014
No longer "A Dozen" but "My Dozen".
Hardboiled
Scrambled
Organic
Cracked
Raw
Over Easy
Sunny Side Up
Poached
2003. January. Cold. Big Belly. Pregnant with apprehension. Pregnant with resentment. Pregnant with anxiousness. Just go. Quit making your children cry. Empty heart.
2003. June. Hot. Big Belly. Baby (the Sage) sleeping in my arms. Ladybug & Rockstar by my side holding my hands. Just go. Quit making your children cry. Empty heart.
2003. August. Hot. Just go. Quit making me cry. Empty heart.
Present day. Cold. Windy. Not so big belly anymore. Ladybug living in Portland. Rockstar &
Sage by my side holding my hands. How is my heart?
Hardboiled
Scrambled
Organic
Cracked
Raw
Over Easy
Sunny Side Up
Poached
A dozen years have almost gone by. A dozen to match the number of years I was married.
For a long time, I dwelled on the fact that I have been alone without a significant other during these last 12 years. Yes, I've had 'relationships'. Some have been more heartbreaking than others. Some have been fleeting. Some were good. Some started good. Some ended good. Some did not. I kept thinking there must be something wrong with me. I kept asking the universe why was I still alone? If I'm going to be alone and single the rest of my life, please make it very clear so I can quit hoping. This was the sort of message I had been internalizing or verbalizing when stuck in traffic. But I'm trying to change.
A good friend of mine that I met through shaking meditation once said to me to change my perspective & to change the statements from focusing on what you want less of to what you want more of. For instance, "I want to cuss less" re-worded "I want to have more loving words come from my mouth." "I want to quit being fat," re-worded "I want to be more healthy." Pretty simple.
Today while stuck in traffic, and after a particularly melancholy evening dwelling on my 12 years of aloneness, I thought that perhaps my dwelling on being alone has perpetuated it. I decided to shift my messages from the negative and focus on the positive of being the leader of my own single life.
I have enjoyed personal freedom. I spend my money as I want. I sleep in the middle of my bed. I go where I want when I want. I say yes when it benefits me and no when it doesn't. I have met some of the most amazing people. I have not had to live in a house with someone who did not want to be my partner. My heart is free to love and to be hurt and to love again. I have proven that I can survive. I make my own happy
There have been many more positive things about being single these last 12 years than cons. And I am hopeful that one day there will be someone who will come into my life and continue to add to those positive aspects.
My dozen, when perspectives shift, is a beautiful rainbow of colors, butterflies, and twirling swirls repeating as often as happiness can. Sunny Side Up.
Scrambled
Organic
Cracked
Raw
Over Easy
Sunny Side Up
Poached
2003. January. Cold. Big Belly. Pregnant with apprehension. Pregnant with resentment. Pregnant with anxiousness. Just go. Quit making your children cry. Empty heart.
2003. June. Hot. Big Belly. Baby (the Sage) sleeping in my arms. Ladybug & Rockstar by my side holding my hands. Just go. Quit making your children cry. Empty heart.
2003. August. Hot. Just go. Quit making me cry. Empty heart.
Present day. Cold. Windy. Not so big belly anymore. Ladybug living in Portland. Rockstar &
Sage by my side holding my hands. How is my heart?
Hardboiled
Scrambled
Organic
Cracked
Raw
Over Easy
Sunny Side Up
Poached
A dozen years have almost gone by. A dozen to match the number of years I was married.
For a long time, I dwelled on the fact that I have been alone without a significant other during these last 12 years. Yes, I've had 'relationships'. Some have been more heartbreaking than others. Some have been fleeting. Some were good. Some started good. Some ended good. Some did not. I kept thinking there must be something wrong with me. I kept asking the universe why was I still alone? If I'm going to be alone and single the rest of my life, please make it very clear so I can quit hoping. This was the sort of message I had been internalizing or verbalizing when stuck in traffic. But I'm trying to change.
A good friend of mine that I met through shaking meditation once said to me to change my perspective & to change the statements from focusing on what you want less of to what you want more of. For instance, "I want to cuss less" re-worded "I want to have more loving words come from my mouth." "I want to quit being fat," re-worded "I want to be more healthy." Pretty simple.
Today while stuck in traffic, and after a particularly melancholy evening dwelling on my 12 years of aloneness, I thought that perhaps my dwelling on being alone has perpetuated it. I decided to shift my messages from the negative and focus on the positive of being the leader of my own single life.
I have enjoyed personal freedom. I spend my money as I want. I sleep in the middle of my bed. I go where I want when I want. I say yes when it benefits me and no when it doesn't. I have met some of the most amazing people. I have not had to live in a house with someone who did not want to be my partner. My heart is free to love and to be hurt and to love again. I have proven that I can survive. I make my own happy
There have been many more positive things about being single these last 12 years than cons. And I am hopeful that one day there will be someone who will come into my life and continue to add to those positive aspects.
My dozen, when perspectives shift, is a beautiful rainbow of colors, butterflies, and twirling swirls repeating as often as happiness can. Sunny Side Up.
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