Hi. I’m the Minivan Philosopher and I have Relationship PTSD.
Yep that’s what I wrote.
Relationship PTSD (R-PTSD). The
first step towards healing is admitting it.
It started this way…
I have been seeing 007 for about six weeks. We have had a lot of fun together. He is smart, kind, tall, handsome, funny,
divorced with three children, and lives in my neighborhood (not too close as to
interfere with our daily lives but close enough that snow and ice won’t impede
the ability to see each other). We have had lunch dates almost weekly, we have
had two great four-day weekends when my children were out of town or with their
father and his were with their mother.
We see each other at least 3 times per week. We don’t text incessantly or call each other
unless we have something important to ask or say. I have met some of his
college friends and he has met some of my girlfriends. It’s the most normal relationship I have been
in, in a long time. It is good.
Because it is normal and good, I have realized even more clearly how
NOT normal my earlier relationships have been and how much letting go of
dysfunctional behaviors and expectations I need to do. Of course, this discussion occurs in my head,
with my best girlfriends and here on my blog.
I have not mentioned ANY of this to 007.
I don’t desire to “go there” with him.
He was married to “crazy”, no need to have him think he’s also dating
“crazy”. These are my issues and I am
strong enough to work through them.
In a way, (and I chuckle as I write this) I feel as if I’m going through
some sort of internal psychological symptom die-off. You know, like when you are clearing your
body of toxins, you may experience physical discomfort as those toxins
“die-off” but eventually you start to feel really good again. Yeah, I’m going through my own R-PTSD die
off. These are my toxins. I am looking forward to when I no longer feel
handicapped nor afraid of them and I can truly be comfortable within a
relationship because it’s not going to be fucked up like the ones before.
That need or requirement has disappeared. When I was seeing Mike, I would be upset if I didn’t receive those sorts of messages from him. I would question, indignantly, how hard is it to spend 10 seconds or less to text me? So when my girlfriends ask, does 007 tell you ‘good morning’ and ‘good night’ and I reply “no,” they are shocked that I’m not upset. And initially, I, too, was shocked at that. Did I have a double standard and expect more from Mike than from 007? When, as I reflected on it some more, it was because I knew I would be seeing 007 that Friday or Sunday or lunch Thursday or whenever. I knew we would be together soon and I didn’t need to have an acknowledgement that I was on his mind daily. With Mike, I never knew when the next time I would see him because that was a symptom of his situation. I never knew if the last time we were together would be the last time ever. That sucked.
2) Over analyzing his motives. Also known as “is this the end of a good thing?” When 007 texted to say he couldn’t do lunch the next day because work was “crazy busy”, my R-PTSD flared up. Of course, I told him that I understood; that it was no problem; there would be other lunches when work was not as “crazy busy”. And then I went into mental breakdown mode. Had I jinxed this relationship 12 hours earlier when I told my dad about 007? Had I caused it to be over because I was excited about it and had stated that if it ended at that moment that I would have no regrets? Oh no! What was he trying to tell me by cancelling the lunch? Surely it was something more than work was busy?? After picking up my internal out of control psyche from the floor, I said to it and the R-PTSD voices that he was not like those that came before him and to knock it off. If he said work was busy, then that is it. Oh they pouted for a little bit and chimed in every now and then with a “why don’t you text him to make sure?” or “go ahead and ask him if he is meaning to end it” prompt. I just took even deeper breaths and told them to shut up. And it paid off because later that same day, 007 suggested that we get together after work instead on the cancelled lunch day. Huge.Sigh.of.Relief. 007 is a man who says what he thinks and does what he says. I am learning to trust that part of his personality. When I was married my ex used to preach at me that I needed to take his words at face value. However, I had learned over and over that, with him and with subsequent relationships, which weren’t all truthful nor trustworthy, it wasn’t true. .
3)
The need to define what we are or where we are headed. This is a tricky one. When my R-PTSD flares up some of the
questions which run through my head include: Are we boyfriend/girlfriend? Are
we a couple? Are we just neighbors? Are we ‘hanging out together’? Is it just a
booty call? Will it become just a booty
call? What does he think we are? Should I ask for clarification of how he feels
about me? Some ‘advice’ from my “issues”
include: You should text him a picture so he doesn’t forget what you look like
even though it’s only been three days since you saw him. Send him a ‘hello sexy’ text, no wait! Not
that because that might make him think of you as only a booty call. I could go on and on about the crazy little
messages from my R-PTSD but I won’t. I
think you get the picture.
In spite of all the middle school antics being played out internally, the more calm and peaceful me prevails because I am in no hurry to define what we are. I truly enjoy being with him and probably for the first time in my life I have turned over ‘control’ to the universe. Whatever is supposed to happen is going to happen. If nothing else, being with 007 is giving me the opportunity to process my R-PTSD and to become more fully who I am which will naturally enhance and strengthen any relationship I have.
It’s good. I am stronger than my R-PTSD and I am ready.
I would love to hear how you have survived your own R-PTSD. Leave a comment here or send an email to minivanphilosopher@gmail.com
-The Philosopher
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