Good days...

How should we like it were stars to burn

With a passion for us we could not return?

If equal affection cannot be,

Let the more loving one be me.

~Wystan Hugh Auden

Black and white, shades of grey.  Faded greens, red fires burning.  Deepest blue, steps into the soul.

A million lights of love fill us from the moment we are born until death.  Every act of love keeps a light burning, every smile, every laugh, every squeeze-kiss-hug.  Every hurt, instilled or received, snuffs one light.  How do you want your last days to be?  Full of light shining forth brightly overflowing with love?  Or void of that light, shuffling, muttering, scowling, the human vacuum, no peace till death?  I ask because no one knows when their time is up.  We are living our last days every day.

As regular readers know, I have had an emotional as well as physical struggle during my cancer diagnosis, surgery and chemotherapy treatment.  Some days, when I am feeling more normal, I can see the 'good side' of my cancer journey.  Of course, days when I don't feel good or normal, it's REALLY hard to see any good side.  Those days, I stay close to home, sleep, eat what I can and count down the days/hours till I am through with this treatment.

But when I can see the good side this is how it looks to me:
Cancer has made me slow down.  Cancer cannot be ignored, nor delayed.  And most certainly, it cannot be denied.  It has made me take stock of relationships, self-destructive behaviors, reevaluate my purpose. 

See, I had been looking forward to my phase 2 - my life finally starting for me!  I have devoted the last 11 years to caring for my three children on my own. My time was coming soon!!!

Ladybug has gone off to college, the Rockstar and the Sage are only a few years from flying the coop too.  I was giddy with excitement over the freedom that seemed to be just around the corner.  I was going to finish my novel, publish my short stories, live in a beach house on the English shore (or down in Key West or both!!) writing prolifically and having the occasional vodka & club soda with my love by my side. I could see it; I could taste it.

Then bam!  "You've got cancer blah blah blah scans blah blah blah blood work blah blah chemo blah blah port, Ativan blah blah hair thin blah blah neuropathy blah blah stage 3 blah blah you're lucky you didn't wait and we caught it early."

I wanted to scream "I'm supposed to be having my phase 2!! Not cancer!!"  Instead, no words came out just tears.  And a lot of tears have been shed since July 16, 2013. 

But I have made changes.  I have listened to my body and my heart and my soul. Cancer made me do that.  Cancer's message, delivered as an iron skillet pummeling my head, was that I could not continue living as I was with the relationships, with the old ideas, the behaviors, the lack of true coping skills and really ever get to my Phase 2.

I know the Universe, God, Buddha, Yahweh, Mohammed, Krishna, Zeus and whatever other higher power(s) actually want me to live a long, fruitful, loving life.  So they made me get rid of the cancer in my life to ensure it. 

And they can be assured that this gift of a second chance at life will be more appreciated than ever. 

I have no regrets. I still hold love in my heart and share it with others.  And my lights will continue to shine brightly every day till my last.