Boys to Men

There was a small pile in the hall outside the Sage's room. I asked him what the pile was for, why was it there? He replied, "To donate to Goodwill, Mom."  I said "Oh that's right, Thursday, yes."

I looked closely at what he was giving away. It was clearly things he didn't need anymore. I got a little choked up when I saw the Spider-man sheets & the Scooby-Doo pillowcases. I don't have any more little boys in the house. Ones who would run & jump from couch to chair or who would fly from room to room with action figures in their hands & superhero capes fastened to their Jammie's. No more little boys asking to watch Shrek or Monster House for the millionth time. Or who would stand atop their red wagon outside belting out Sonia Dada's "lover lover you don't treat me no good no more" because I played it too many times while driving the minivan. No more little boys who were thrilled to receive a balloon for no reason or who collected Yu-Gi-Oh cards or built elaborate cities first with their Thomas the Train sets and then next with their Legos.  No more little boys who instinctually held my hand when walking with me or who didn't think twice about kissing me good night.  And who very innocently declared that I must have been the girl James Blunt was singing about in his song, "You're Beautiful".

No somehow, someway when my head was turned or I was napping on the couch, my little boys grew up. They have bigger beds now to hold their bigger feet. They watch MTV2 & laugh uncontrollably. They Facebook & Twitter & Instagram. They play hard and sing loudly "their songs" not mine.

But even though they're growing up, they still hug me, still talk to me about everything (and I mean EVERYTHING!). They don't hold my hand when crossing the street but they put their arms out to stop me from getting hit by the car "that just appeared out of nowhere." They listen to me as I go through chemo & do what they can to ease my pain or discomfort. We laugh & joke & cry together.  But instead of them only leaning on my shoulders, we lean on each other's.

Yes I am a bit sad that my little boys are gone, but I love the men they are becoming.  And so I move the donation pile to the front door for Thursday. It's okay. It's all okay.

2/3 of the way there - #9 done, 3 more.

Just a cancer update for my readers....
Still cold as a mother here in St. Louis.  I've gotten used to wearing a million layers of clothing and hats and gloves and jackets and on and on...  I am looking forward to this all being done and seeing warmer weather come springtime.

My last chemo session knocked me out for two days.  I expected it to though.  A positive for me though was they reduced the amount of oxiliplantin drug that I get.  This was done to reduce the neuropathy side effects.  My doctor said that I receive the most benefit from the drug during the earlier treatments; that it is most effective then that it is okay to reduce it now with only 3 left to go.  He is looking at minimizing the long-term effects of the neuropathy.  I say "Amen to that!"

All my blood work was good and my potassium levels were up too.  I have been really diligent about eating a banana every morning.  My doctor said I should eat two!  I said okay.  And picked up two more bunches today.

I also increased the amount of B vitamins I'm taking.  I didn't know they were good for mood stabilization too; helps fight off chemo-induced depression.  It's too early to tell but I seem to have a better sense of emotional well-being right now.

I'm thrilled at the response to my call for walkers and donations for the Cancer Support Community's walk.  It warms my soul.  I look forward to walking with such great friends on Saturday, May 17th!

Anyway, I'm watching the weather, watching my side effects, counting down the days (more exciting than waiting for Christmas day!), buying smaller and smaller clothes (yeah!!!) and trying my best to stay sane throughout it all.  Doing. My. Best.

Look at it with me.

She whispered to me, "Are you looking at the moon?"  I shook my head no. 

She said "Look at it.  Look at it with me." 

I didn't want to look at the moon.  I didn't want to be reminded of the distance between us.  "I'm in bed already," I replied.  And I was. I was snuggled up with my duvet around my neck.  If I got out of bed, the cold air would hit me, another sharp reminder of our distance.  I had had too many reminders of that lately.

"I love looking at the moon," She replied smiling at me.  "It is so beautiful and full tonight.  I can't keep my eyes off it."   "Please, Fox, just come to the window and look at it quickly.  You will be blown away."

"Okay," I replied hesitantly. "But it's gonna be quick. It's so cold."

"Thank you," she whispered.  She looked at me with her big blue eyes and wrinkled her nose like an excited young girl. "Come now, come. Look.  What do you think?"

I got out of bed, hurried to my window.  I pushed back the curtains and twisted my head upwards.  There it was shining brightly against the black sky, the moon.  And it was full. I stood there looking at it for minutes.  I tried to look away but my eyes wanted to see more of it.  My heart wanted to gaze on it forever.  My soul warmed under the light of the moon.  I didn't notice the cold.

"What do you think?" She asked again.  "Isn't it beautiful?"

"Yes, it is. So very much." I replied. 

"You know, when I look at the moon, I see love.  It's like my love for you flows up to the moon and then she beams it back down on you and vice versa.  And for a while, I am bathed in your shining love." she said.

"But we are so distant and have been.  How can you feel my love?" I asked her without taking my gaze off the moon.

"I just do.  I don't know how to explain it other than love is one of those wondrous gifts of the universe and the moon makes sure lovers feel it.  We can be miles and miles apart but we always see the same moon."  She paused while she returned her gaze upward.

"And," she continued, "when we look at the moon at the same time, our love is shared instantly.  No waiting till it gets dark or adjusting for time differences.  It's right then, right there, the moon beaming to each of us."  She smiled and wiped a tear.

I looked at her.  I looked at the moon.  It was shining so bright, I could see for miles in the dark.  I hadn't ever thought of the moon as beaming love to the world, much less her love for me being beamed straight to me.  I liked it.  I smiled.  I reached my hand up to the moon and touched the window pane.  "I'm touching her with my love," I thought.  "She feels it."

"Thank you for looking at the moon with me tonight, for listening and for beaming your love to me," she said with a toss of her head and a smile.  "I have gathered it up and am storing it for the future."

I looked at her smiling face and kissed it.  I didn't know what else to say; I just gazed at her.  I didn't notice the distance.  For this moment it was gone.  There was just her, myself, the moon and our love.

"Let's look again tomorrow, yes?" I said.

"And every night." she whispered.

Good days...

How should we like it were stars to burn

With a passion for us we could not return?

If equal affection cannot be,

Let the more loving one be me.

~Wystan Hugh Auden

Black and white, shades of grey.  Faded greens, red fires burning.  Deepest blue, steps into the soul.

A million lights of love fill us from the moment we are born until death.  Every act of love keeps a light burning, every smile, every laugh, every squeeze-kiss-hug.  Every hurt, instilled or received, snuffs one light.  How do you want your last days to be?  Full of light shining forth brightly overflowing with love?  Or void of that light, shuffling, muttering, scowling, the human vacuum, no peace till death?  I ask because no one knows when their time is up.  We are living our last days every day.

Super weird, new normal or an anomaly?

Nine weeks left. 
I have managed to survive this week's polar vortex (for those not in St. Louis - 12 inches of snow, 20 below zero wind chills, more snow, more freezing temps and now 7 hours of rainfall...).  I have worn lots of layers, got me some fancy silk long underwear that has really been worth the $$ I spent.  I used up almost all of my "toe warmers" as I couldn't leave the house without them.

Thankfully, I have three able-bodied children who did shovel the snow so we could get out of the house.  There was no way I was picking up a shovel!