Heartfelt Gifts

They were the loveliest red roses that I had ever seen . I was overwhelmed when they gave them to me because I knew it was a tradition in their family to mark special occasions with roses. But I never expected to receive roses; I was touched deeply.

An ornate jewelry box designed and created by The Artist and a beautiful red necklace and earrings inside the box from his wife, The Piano Teacher. I was speechless. I just shook my head "no" saying, "What generosity, oh my."

A few days after I received the ornate jewelry box and flowers, I told The Artist that I couldn't believe they had given me such lovely gifts. I told him that they had already made me so happy with just the flowers, but when I saw the box that I was overcome and then to find the jewelry simply rendered me speechless. I said to him, "You shouldn't have. It's too much."

"Why?" asked The Artist. " You don't think you're worth it?"

I stammered "Uh uh well, no... I guess I don't?"

"You are." He said and waved me off as I tried to say thank you again. He had stated his truth. There would be no more discussion about the gifts.

The Dancer met me one night at a local studio so we could dance tango uninterrupted for a few hours before he moved away. It was beautiful, lyrical, sensual, joyful and more. I kept thanking him for the generous gift of his time and his dance over and over.

The Dancer tried to thank me back for the dances, but I kept deflecting his thanks because I felt that surely he was only dancing with me as a favor, not because he wanted to as well.

"You don't think you're worth dancing with?"

I stammered, "Um, well no I guess not?"

"You are. You are a lovely follow and very fun to dance with. It was my pleasure too."

I blushed. This was the second time in as many weeks when I admitted that I didn't think I was worthy of the gifts people were giving me.

In the following days, I thought about this difficulty of mine to accept that people would want to do things for me just because I am me. Why was it so hard? Was I always this way? I tried to remember a time in my childhood when I didn't think I deserved any of my birthday or Christmas presents. Fortunately, I could not find one time. As far as I can recall, I deserved them all.

So what happened between then and now? Was it the years of being married to someone who only gave me something when I either asked for it or he wanted something from me? Was it the years of constantly giving to others who just continued to take and take? Was it because after living as a non-significant other, I internalized that I was not worthy of kindness from friends or strangers? Was it a result of being divorced with three children and having to do everything for my family, that made me feel uncomfortable receiving help from others for fear they might judge me? I suspect it is all of these and more.

The Artist, the Piano Teacher and the Dancer – who knew that their gifts would be me?