Untitled for now

I reached out to find a cool spot where he once laid his head.  My hand patted the sheet and stroked the empty pillow.  My eyes still closed, I breathed in through my nose and his scent lingered about me.  I smiled, a satisfied and happy woman.  Sometimes I would just pinch myself to make sure it was all real and not just my imagination.  Yep that hurt.  It’s real.  He’s real. We’re real. Many had questioned me why I was involved with him, wasn’t I afraid of getting hurt, wasn’t I afraid of him leaving me at some point?  Wasn’t it easier to be alone and not love than to risk all the pain that comes with loving?  I used to think like they did.  I used to have high concrete barriers built around my heart.  Those barriers had served me well, too, for many years.  I did not allow myself to get close to any man longer than a couple of hours at a time.  Men served a purpose but not in any sense of growing my heart and my capacity to love others.  I had been in love once before.  Or rather, I thought I had been in love but now with the power of hindsight vision, I had been in love with the idea of being in love.  I had married young.  I had children.  I had made a home but was empty inside for many years.  I busied myself with my work, my children and their needs, my home; I kept busy so I didn’t have to answer that nagging voice inside me that kept saying “There’s got to be more to living and loving than this.  Come on, this isn’t what you signed up for.  How much longer are you going to ignore me and how miserable you are?”  I had gotten quite good at ignoring my misery.  I managed to suppress it for seven years.  But one day, it was all over.  My husband left.  That was it.  Twelve years together all came down to the simple act of taking the house key off his key ring and placing it on the entry hall table.  His wedding ring had come off many months earlier.  I had been too busy to notice that.  But watching him place the house key on the table, I noticed everything.  Through my tears I started to see the vibrant colors around me, I breathed deeply and felt the cool air enter through my nostrils and fill my lungs to capacity. I exhaled, tears streaming down my face, and the weight of so many years of resignation lifted off me like magic.  My heart was filled with hope again.  The last time I had this much hope and excitement for my future, I was 10 years old and dreaming with my best friend about what we would be when we grew up.  I began to dream again.  It was a bittersweet moment when he put his key down and walked out of the house.  I was sad that it hadn’t worked out for us like we thought it was going to but was also relieved that it was over.  No longer did we have to suffer under the weight of a marriage that was not meant to be. We had given each other the best gift that day, the opportunity to love and be loved.

I didn’t know then how much work I would have to do on myself before being capable of loving and being loved again.  I didn’t realize then how many memories from the past I had to let go of and to forgive myself for.  I didn’t realize then how much damage I had done to myself by suppressing my identity, my passion and my soul.  It had not been an easy journey.  I had been cautious.  I clung to past hurts with two clenched fists.  I got angry at the world for putting me in this tough predicament.  I moaned and complained about how hard my life was and how it was not fair but at the same time I could not even fathom the idea of returning to my previous existence.  I just wanted the healing to be done and over quickly.  I didn’t want to face the darkness and the sadness inside me.  I wanted to busy myself with someone else like I had done for all the years of my marriage.  But there was no one else to take the focus off the work I had to do.  So I plodded through it.  I cried, I laughed, I prayed, I “offered it up” time and time again.  I never thought I'd see the light again; I never believed I would ever be happy again.   However slowly and steadfastly, with every little step forward, I shed pieces of my iron armor that had held captive my soul and my passion.  And that hope I felt the day he put the key down came rushing back in and filled my heart.  I began to smile more.  I took deep breaths.  I found myself enjoying life.  I had embraced myself and finally understood the necessity behind the journey I had to make on my own.  My heart was now ready to love and to be loved.  It was just a matter of time.  And then he entered my life.