"Hello? You left a message for me to call you back? This is the minivan philosopher." I offered to the woman on the other line.
"So we wanted you to be aware of your liability for the CT scan your oncologist has ordered for you." said the woman on the phone.
"Yes?" I replied, holding my breath.
"Okay so your liability is $2,345.00" she almost whispered as if embarrassed to say that figure to me.
"Oh?? Is that the final cost after insurance?" I gulped.
"That's your estimated liability." she replied.
"Well I don't have it. I guess you will have to bill me." I clipped.
"I will make a note of that." she replied.
"Thank you. Good bye." I said.
"Goodbye." she replied.
Click.
Yep. That's my post-cancer diagnosis, ongoing monitoring life. What am I supposed to do? I've been having butterfly sensations floating around in my abdomen for a few weeks now. I told my oncologist about it at my follow up and he said let's do a CT to make sure nothing is going on. I agreed because I want to know if there is anything I need to worry about. So I make the decision to go further into debt for peace of mind? Or do I cancel the scan because I don't have the money to pay my estimated liability and risk that there is something significant going on? And maybe die of cancer?
The ongoing financial stresses of having a cancer diagnosis and its subsequent treatment (chemo, surgery, medicines, doctor visits, blood tests etc) dishes out as much suffering as all those words contained in the parentheses. In fact, it's worse because the institutions don't give a rat's *ss about who you are, you are simply an account receivable.
I find myself feeling angry at the helplessness again. Since my cancer diagnosis in July 2013, I have shouldered the entire financial cost myself. I didn't start any gofundme campaign. I didn't ask anyone to help pay a bill. Not any friends or family. I didn't get any either. I did receive help in the form of rides, some meals for my boys and a few giftcards every now and then. But nothing to help me chip away at the $10,000 or so in bills for which I was "liable'. And now I've got another $2300 to add to it. Yippee! Wonderful! Please sir, can I have another?
I don't know what to do. I am too young for Medicare. I have a full-time, good-paying job with insurance so I can't have the state pay for my medical care. So I'm basically fucked financially for the next five years while I'm monitored by my doctors.
Sigh.
Cancer... the gift that keeps on giving even when you've said "enough!!"
Friday, April 17, 2015
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Four words
"Get your own water."
"I'm on my way."
The first sentence has scarred me with me many years of pain and confusion and feelings of worthlessness. The second sentence brought tears to my eyes because of all those years of pain and confusion and feeling worthless.
When my ex-husband and I were first dating over 22 years ago, I would ask him to fill my glass of water if he were getting up to go to the kitchen. It was one of those "hey while you're up, would you mind getting me ..." sorts of requests. I didn't think anything of it. I didn't think it was a big deal. A few months in to dating each other, he said to me that he hated when I would ask him for water and that he felt I was taking advantage of him and that I was just being lazy. I never asked him for another glass of water. It hurt when he said that. Had I known then what I know now, I would never have continued dating him nor married him but I didn't. I was young; I was a people pleaser. Those four words "get your own water" became ingrained into my psyche way down deep. The man I loved didn't think I was special enough to bring me water when I asked, so obviously I wasn't special enough to matter to anyone especially other men.
I have been divorced over ten years. Who would have thought that I would still be feeling the after effects of those four words?
But last night as I sat in 007's car tears welling up in my eyes because I was overwhelmed by his kindness towards me. A simple act that he didn't think twice about almost knocked my core being completely flat. He came to pick me up, to drive me home after an all-day pub crawl I had been on so I wouldn't have to drive home. His text "I'm on my way" brought tears to my eyes.
Not only did he drive twenty minutes to get me, he parked & came inside the bar to find me. I was expecting that he would drive up, text me he was outside & I would leave. And I would have been okay with that because that's what I was used to, how a not special-enough person is treated, always feeling that I had been too much of a burden already, I couldn't possibly ask for anything more. I didn't ask him to come get me, my girlfriend made the telephone call. It didn't take much convincing on her part. She asked, explained the situation and he said he was on his way. Why was I so afraid to ask him? Because I was afraid he'd tell me no, to get my own water, reinforcing my belief that I wasn't worthy.
But he didn't. He came. He took care of me because I am special & because he is kind.
I'm moving through new emotional waters here. It's going to be hard to undo 20+ years of negative self-talk, to realize that people (including men) will do nice things for me because they want to & because they like me, not because of what they can get from me in return. I am so grateful, so eternally grateful, that the universe is giving me this gift of growth towards acceptance & healing and that 007 is her chosen tool.
I'm on my way.
"I'm on my way."
The first sentence has scarred me with me many years of pain and confusion and feelings of worthlessness. The second sentence brought tears to my eyes because of all those years of pain and confusion and feeling worthless.
When my ex-husband and I were first dating over 22 years ago, I would ask him to fill my glass of water if he were getting up to go to the kitchen. It was one of those "hey while you're up, would you mind getting me ..." sorts of requests. I didn't think anything of it. I didn't think it was a big deal. A few months in to dating each other, he said to me that he hated when I would ask him for water and that he felt I was taking advantage of him and that I was just being lazy. I never asked him for another glass of water. It hurt when he said that. Had I known then what I know now, I would never have continued dating him nor married him but I didn't. I was young; I was a people pleaser. Those four words "get your own water" became ingrained into my psyche way down deep. The man I loved didn't think I was special enough to bring me water when I asked, so obviously I wasn't special enough to matter to anyone especially other men.
I have been divorced over ten years. Who would have thought that I would still be feeling the after effects of those four words?
But last night as I sat in 007's car tears welling up in my eyes because I was overwhelmed by his kindness towards me. A simple act that he didn't think twice about almost knocked my core being completely flat. He came to pick me up, to drive me home after an all-day pub crawl I had been on so I wouldn't have to drive home. His text "I'm on my way" brought tears to my eyes.
Not only did he drive twenty minutes to get me, he parked & came inside the bar to find me. I was expecting that he would drive up, text me he was outside & I would leave. And I would have been okay with that because that's what I was used to, how a not special-enough person is treated, always feeling that I had been too much of a burden already, I couldn't possibly ask for anything more. I didn't ask him to come get me, my girlfriend made the telephone call. It didn't take much convincing on her part. She asked, explained the situation and he said he was on his way. Why was I so afraid to ask him? Because I was afraid he'd tell me no, to get my own water, reinforcing my belief that I wasn't worthy.
But he didn't. He came. He took care of me because I am special & because he is kind.
I'm moving through new emotional waters here. It's going to be hard to undo 20+ years of negative self-talk, to realize that people (including men) will do nice things for me because they want to & because they like me, not because of what they can get from me in return. I am so grateful, so eternally grateful, that the universe is giving me this gift of growth towards acceptance & healing and that 007 is her chosen tool.
I'm on my way.
Friday, March 13, 2015
Timing is everything...
"Dear Minivan Philosopher,
The right people always find each other at the right time.
Relax,
The Universe"
This message appeared in my email inbox at exactly the right time. I had been dealing with some festering anxiety (R-PTSD symptom flareups) about the upcoming lack of time with 007 due to school schedules and family vacations. I have been so happily spoiled these last six weeks; how was I going to make 10 days without being with him? I tried to stay awake as long as possible last night so I could create a memory map of him to recall when I really started to miss him. The little anxiety voice was getting louder and at 5:15 a.m. it was downright obnoxious. So when the alarm went off and I checked my email, there was that message from the Universe. I said "thank you" and sighed the anxiety out of me. I became calm and peaceful, again.
The old wise men and women all say that timing is everything. And I truly believe it! I don't think I would have been ready for 007 a few years ago or even last year during my cancer treatment (although he would have been a great partner to have by my side). Nor do I think he would have been ready for me before now. Even though we have been attracted to each other since we met and friends before now, we each had to continue on our separate journeys, to make mistakes, to learn and to grow, to forgive and to let go.
We are still navigating our own journeys but they are made a little nicer and a little sweeter because part of our respective journeys now includes each other.
And although ten days will feel like an eternity compared to how much we have been seeing each other, it's not forever. I'm definitely looking forward to the "reunion".
007 is the right person for me at this time. I am thankful. And dear Universe, I am relaxing.
The right people always find each other at the right time.
Relax,
The Universe"
This message appeared in my email inbox at exactly the right time. I had been dealing with some festering anxiety (R-PTSD symptom flareups) about the upcoming lack of time with 007 due to school schedules and family vacations. I have been so happily spoiled these last six weeks; how was I going to make 10 days without being with him? I tried to stay awake as long as possible last night so I could create a memory map of him to recall when I really started to miss him. The little anxiety voice was getting louder and at 5:15 a.m. it was downright obnoxious. So when the alarm went off and I checked my email, there was that message from the Universe. I said "thank you" and sighed the anxiety out of me. I became calm and peaceful, again.
The old wise men and women all say that timing is everything. And I truly believe it! I don't think I would have been ready for 007 a few years ago or even last year during my cancer treatment (although he would have been a great partner to have by my side). Nor do I think he would have been ready for me before now. Even though we have been attracted to each other since we met and friends before now, we each had to continue on our separate journeys, to make mistakes, to learn and to grow, to forgive and to let go.
We are still navigating our own journeys but they are made a little nicer and a little sweeter because part of our respective journeys now includes each other.
And although ten days will feel like an eternity compared to how much we have been seeing each other, it's not forever. I'm definitely looking forward to the "reunion".
007 is the right person for me at this time. I am thankful. And dear Universe, I am relaxing.
Friday, March 6, 2015
Relationship PTSD
Hi. I’m the Minivan Philosopher and I have Relationship PTSD.
Yep that’s what I wrote.
Relationship PTSD (R-PTSD). The
first step towards healing is admitting it.
It started this way…
Thursday, January 22, 2015
What comes next...
I have wanted to write about this for a while now and have been mulling over and over what's the best way to get this across. I don't know if this is it, but what comes next will surprise you...
it will move you to tears....
it will make you jump with joy
it will make you grow taller and become more handsome...
it will make you lose weight...
it will make, it will make, it will make!!!!
I am completely done with those headlines on Facebook and around the internet. You know the ones that say things like "this group of middle schoolers were complete brats but what they did next will shock you" or "this group of snotty, bratty, real housewives of _____ were moved to tears by what will surprise you" or "this poor child who has been suffering from (insert rarest form of cancer you can find) shocks the world by what comes next"... It's the classic 'selfish soul finds redemption and goodness through the actions of others' type of stuff. It's the feel-good story of the century. Every single one.
Yet it all feels so manufactured. So shallow. Right down to how we are supposed to feel and react to whatever we are reading or watching. How could all these impromptu, amateur videos etc have such high quality editors right there to capture the moment from several angles? Is everyone else in the world walking around with a 3-4 camera crew documenting their lives and I'm not? If so, how are they paying for it? Oh , perhaps ever so subtle product placement?
Thankfully I do not have a camera crew, because who would want me to post daily "I was too tired after work to think about what to cook for dinner but what I did next will surprise you!" Or "watch how the Quik Trip crew quickly gave me my change and made my day while they performed a flash mob dance to my favorite song ever on my unsuspecting, quiet and reserved self." Oh puh-lease!!! Enough already.
Unfortunately for me this catchphrase has become just as irritating as when you notice during someone's speech their excessive use of "ums" and then that's all you hear and then you start making hash marks for every time they say it. Yes, I am extremely sensitive to it now. Like nails on a chalkboard sensitive. So much so, that I consciously try to reduce the amount of time I use Facebook or other social media. (Exception! When using it to post this link to tell you about this posting...)
Yet I worry for those who are vulnerable to such messages dictating their reactions, their feelings. I worry that we are manipulating people into not trusting their own feelings and their own guts. If we don't trust them to make up their own minds about what they read or see, they won't either. What happens then? I don't know but what comes next won't surprise me.
it will move you to tears....
it will make you jump with joy
it will make you grow taller and become more handsome...
it will make you lose weight...
it will make, it will make, it will make!!!!
I am completely done with those headlines on Facebook and around the internet. You know the ones that say things like "this group of middle schoolers were complete brats but what they did next will shock you" or "this group of snotty, bratty, real housewives of _____ were moved to tears by what will surprise you" or "this poor child who has been suffering from (insert rarest form of cancer you can find) shocks the world by what comes next"... It's the classic 'selfish soul finds redemption and goodness through the actions of others' type of stuff. It's the feel-good story of the century. Every single one.
Yet it all feels so manufactured. So shallow. Right down to how we are supposed to feel and react to whatever we are reading or watching. How could all these impromptu, amateur videos etc have such high quality editors right there to capture the moment from several angles? Is everyone else in the world walking around with a 3-4 camera crew documenting their lives and I'm not? If so, how are they paying for it? Oh , perhaps ever so subtle product placement?
Thankfully I do not have a camera crew, because who would want me to post daily "I was too tired after work to think about what to cook for dinner but what I did next will surprise you!" Or "watch how the Quik Trip crew quickly gave me my change and made my day while they performed a flash mob dance to my favorite song ever on my unsuspecting, quiet and reserved self." Oh puh-lease!!! Enough already.
Unfortunately for me this catchphrase has become just as irritating as when you notice during someone's speech their excessive use of "ums" and then that's all you hear and then you start making hash marks for every time they say it. Yes, I am extremely sensitive to it now. Like nails on a chalkboard sensitive. So much so, that I consciously try to reduce the amount of time I use Facebook or other social media. (Exception! When using it to post this link to tell you about this posting...)
Yet I worry for those who are vulnerable to such messages dictating their reactions, their feelings. I worry that we are manipulating people into not trusting their own feelings and their own guts. If we don't trust them to make up their own minds about what they read or see, they won't either. What happens then? I don't know but what comes next won't surprise me.
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